The stranger stood outside the doors of the Dominion. He was dressed entirely in black, with one notable exception. Everything was set and he was as ready as he was going to be. This wasn't going to be pretty, but it would be fun.

He tried the front doors. They were unlocked. "Fools," the stranger thought to himself. The front desk was unmanned, but noises could be heard coming from the bar. He looked inside. Sabre_Edge, Sassy, Kipper222, and Slider8_ were passed out around the Table of Excess.

Darkslider and Tembi were hard at it on what looked like a stuffed Yak. Tembi was wearing a Richard Nixon mask and darkslider was moaning, "Yes Pappa Smurf, oh yeah, oh Pappa Smurf.... Hey! What the.." Thirty quick rounds from the stranger's Informant-special AK-47 ripped into darkslider briefly making his body jerk like Audrey Hepburn having an orgasm. He then slumped down into a lifeless heap.

Tembi started to take off her mask saying, "was it good for me, too?" A few more rounds and Tembi was history as well. "That's for 'The Unstuck Man'!" said the stranger.

The noise had started to awaken the group around the table. Sabre_Edge was the first to grasp the situation, after first grasping himself. "Hey! Aren't you.." The stranger got off a single round before the Informant-special jammed. Unfortunately, the round missed Sabre_Edge completely, but it did destroy the only working tap at the bar. Feeling enraged by the loss of the tap and emboldened by the uselessness of the stranger's gun, SE charged at the stranger.

Two steps before SE reached the man in black, the stranger drew his knife. Unable to stop, SE soon felt cold, hard steel enter his body. Oh, he had felt such a thing before, but that was from a decidedly different angle. The stranger jerked the knife upward, ripping through Sabre's abdomen and into his diaphragm before withdrawing. In seconds, SE lay in a pool of alcohol tinged with blood.

By now Slider8_ and Kipper2222 were on their feet. Sassy had taken to hiding behind the bar. The man looked at the two wanna-be mercs. The weren't ready to fight, in fact they looked more scared than White House interns on a Saturday night. "Go, now!" commanded the stranger. Slider8_ and Kipper2222 took off faster than McClean Stevenson's career ended after leaving MASH. The man pressed a button on a small remote and the sound of the two fleeing posters opening the front doors of the Dominion was followed quickly by the sounds of explosions, followed by screams, and then, mercifully, silence.

Sassy looked at the stranger and said, "I thought you said they could go." The man replied, "I did. They're gone." Sassy looked I'll. "You're supposed to be the funny one!" she said. "And Quinn was supposed to be the smart one, but Jerry's not Quinn, is he? Now get out of here. It's safe. I'm not here for you." Sassy ran out faster than Gary Coleman can beat an autograph seeker.

Deciding that the others must be upstairs, the man in black started up the stairs to search the rooms. On his way, he checked the status of the Rid™. It was in perfect working order. “Good, I’d hate to have to do this again.”

From behind a door he heard what sounded like the Chipmunks singing "Baby got back." Cautiously peeking in, he saw Brand_S and Sophie. They were all over each other like Ellen DeGeneres on Angela Landsbury. S was clutching a Buck Rodgers action features and yelling, "Beetee Beetee Beetee, Let's go Buck." Sophie was wearing a set of horns that would make Princess Ardala blush.

The stranger checked his backup weapon, a 9mm handgun. Brand_S had just finished saying, "next time I want to be Colonel Deering," when the man burst through the door. S was so surprised that he lost his balance and impaled himself on one of Sophie's horns. Brand_S looked at the stranger and gasped, "hey, aren't you..." and was silenced with a single bullet through his skull. Sophie started screaming hysterically. The man tried to calm her down. "Miss....miss....you can go....you....you can....miss, aw fuck it." BLAM! Sophie dropped faster than the ratings for News Radio after Phil Hartman's death.

Moving up the hall, the man found Jorge passed out in the next stairwell. He was hooked up to an IV marked 'The Drink.' The stranger opened a small case and removed a small syringe. He injected the contents into the IV and continued up the stairs toward the Presidential Suite. Before he could reach the top of the stairs, he heard Jorge howling in agony. Eventually the howls turned into whimpers and then there was silence once again. "Yep, if there's one thing a drunk can't handle, it's caffeine in the bloodstream."

The door to the Presidential Suite was slightly ajar. The man frowned. SpaceTime was no fool. This wouldn't be easy.

The man pushed through the door slowly and surveyed the room. No sign of anyone. The bed was in tatters. There was an Executive poster pasted to the ceiling. The man was creeping toward the second room when SpaceTime hit him from behind. Dazed, the man in black staggered but did not fall. He tried to raise his weapon, but ST knocked it from his hand and it slid across the floor. The stranger lunged at SpaceTime and the two went down, locked in mortal combat when someone screamed "Freeze!" The men looked up and saw Lolita holding the gun. "Get up!" She commanded.

The two stood and SpaceTime began to laugh. "That's right, baby. Now finish this 'friend' off so we can get back to some lovin'." A shot rang out. SpaceTime hit the floor harder than Alan Thick fantasizing about Tony Danza.

"About damn time you got here!" said Lolita. "If I'd had to do the Executive voice one more time, I think I would have puked!"

The man replied, "sorry, I would have come earlier, but it was too important to have the inside info. And besides, before today they were only offing clones. Let's go."

"What about BritSlider?" asked Lolita. "They've got him in a broom and they're forcing him to watch the 'Genesis' director's cut with a voiceover by Peckinpah."

"Show me," said the man, and the two found BritSlider unconscious in the broom closet. The voice of David Peckinpah was blaring from the television speaker, "and this is where we get back at that bitch, Sabrina Lloyd by sending her to be the town 'hoe for the Kro..." BLAM! The man shot the TV. "That felt good!"

They managed to bring BritSlider back to consciousness. The man looked BritSlider in the eyes and said, "I could finish this Beret War here and now by killing you. But that's not why I'm here. I just needed to finish the job these poor slobs started earlier, the elimination of all the mercs. Now it’s just BFA vs. ABL, the way it was meant to be."

Lolita and the man in black started to walk off. The man stopped at what remained of the Dominion's front doors and called back to BritSlider, "Chaser9 is the one who offed QBall79. The DRC was in with the LoB all along. I suggest that you take care of them accordingly." Mathew Perry then straightened his cobalt blue beret and exited the Dominion with Lolita, leaving BritSlider by himself.

Diesel
Mickey
Dolenz

I hereby declare this post to exist outside of the continuity of the Beret War.

There. All better.

S

If this is declared null and void in the Beret War then the same would have to apply for SpaceTime's little effort as well.

Hilarious!

Good thing I ain't dead! ;-)

SpaceTime

Just 'cuz someone hits the ground hard doesn't mean he's dead. And NO ONE takes Lolita from me, not even Matthew Perry.

Now if ST isn't dead because he only hit the ground hard, does that mean I'm not dead because I'm holding my guts in my hand right now? ;) LOL At least I went like a man, charging and fighting! Killed by the honorable blade in battle. Valhalla here I come!

Whoever you are, you are a good writer and you have "pop culture style" down nicely too. :)

Nice job man. (or woman) :)

SE

DMD:

That was WONDERFUL, you bastard. Damn you, Matthew Perry!!!

At least I got some Tembi Lovin...Mmmmmm...TEMBI.


-dead dark

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