Legion of Booze - Second Strike

Date: 4/10/2000
From: SpaceTime

"Gimme the binocs," Dark said. Space handed the binoculars to his friend and took a swig of Colonel Kwik-E-Mart's Sweet Kentucky Bourbon... brownest of the brown liquids.

"Tell me again why we're here?" Dark asked. "Tembi's wearing nothing but a smile and you pull me out of the Love Factory for night recon?"

"Shut up," Space said. "I got a tip that some serious shit was going to go down tonight, and it was gonna go down at the ABL headquarters." The words had just escaped his lips when a flare of destruction erupted from down the hill. Whoever it was had just destroyed the ABL's mess hall.

Zack eyed the damage. "Why'd the destroy the mess hall? Why can't anybody sack it up and kill someone?"

"I dunno. Let's go find out."

===
Meanwhile...
===

Brand_S poured himself another boilermaker. He was ripped. Lolita eyed him speculatively, although that was an unfortunate byproduct of being too sassy for her own good and not from actually being speculative.

"Aren't you 17?" she asked as she pimped and made herself look good for her man. She was 17. She was also sharpening her katana blade.

"Yeah, but I *LOOK* 20!" he belched out. "'Sides, I'm just gettin' revved up to go PARTY DOWN with some older chicks."

"Oh, really?"

"Yep. They don't call me Brand_S for nuthin'."

"Why *do* they call you Brand_S, then?"

S was silent. Lolita went back to wiping Jorge's blood from her blade.

===
Back to the action
===

The two shrouded figures looked pleased as the viewed the destruction of... *scoff* the mess hall.

Then they turned around and found themselves at the business end of Mark X grenade launchers.

"Why don't you drop the plastique and take off the night gear, okay?" Space asked. Dark spit on the ground.

Space and Dark kept their weapons cocked and aimed at their adversaries while they took off the cloaks they wore and threw their weapons to the side.

They weren't Jorge and Sabre.

Space was about to ask their identities, but Dark's eyes widened and he exclaimed:

"Chuckles?"

Mr. Chuckles laughed. "Good to see you again, Dark. It's been a while since I saw you at a 'Full House' convention."

"People change, Chuckles. For example, it's got to have been at least three or four *HOURS* since you last watched that bootleg tape of Danny Tanner make dirty, foul love to Joey Gladstone. And then the dog, Comet. And then Jesse Katsopolis."

"He did the dog *before* Jesse?" asked Space, his eye never leaving the other unidentified attacker.

"Bob Saget is a weird man, dude."

Space broke his attention from the grossly ill-proportioned clown and focused on the other guy. "Who the devil are you?"

The stranger grinned devilishly. "I'm Sober-Edge."

Dark and Space looked at each other. "Sober-Edge? Any relation to Sabre-Edge?"

"He's my less attractive, dimwitted, pock-covered, illegitimate half-brother. And whereas he would rather make sweet love to the remains of a Care Bear doll while wearing Garanimals socks, I'd rather go around blowing shit up and then drinking heavily after blowing up said shit. Killing things is always a nice diversion, too."

"Wait a sec," Dark interrupted. "Your name is *SOBER*-Edge but you like to get helluva drunk and blow shit up?"

"Don't you just love the irony?"

"Okay, quick question, then," Space said. "Why'd you blow up the Anti-Beret League's mess hall?"

"And more importantly," Dark added, "why the mess hall and not something a little more substantial like their taped collection of 'General Goat's Bestiality Circus'? Or just kill them outright?"

Chuckles volunteered the first answer. "We were under the impression that this was a G-Rated War."

"Hell no," Dark said. "Pull those Garbage Pail Kid cards out of your ears and listen to me: there's nothin' G-rated about what's going on, especially your love for Odie and Nermal, you sick bastard."

"We've already ritualistically murdered one set of clones of the Glory Boys," Space added, "or as they like to call themselves, the Dec-10 Boyz. One of our highly attractive female operatives beheaded one with a quick swing of her katana blade. The rest of us took out Sabre's clone with 54,000 rounds of ammunition. They would've had to blot him up, but the building they were broadcasting out of got nuked. By us."

"Sound G-rated to you?"

Chuckles and Sober looked at each other. They were impressed. They'd met the right people. "Absolutely not. Which is why we blew their mess hall. We wanted to attract your attention and join the Legion of Booze."

Space and Dark weren't terribly surprised. Afterall, they did have the most kick-ass group in the Dominion - the most booze, the most weapons, the hottest tail - it'd be crazy for a guy not to want to join.

Then Dark shot Mr. Chuckles through the forehead. Chunks of gray matter coasted through the night sky before losing the battle with gravity and landing on the cold, muddy ground. Sober looked at Dark. Space looked at Dark. Dark shrugged.

"Anyone that watches the Teletubbies because he's proud there's an androgynous purple spaz brandishing a purse running around can NEVER be part of the Legion. Understand?" Dark was emphatic.

"Hey, I don't care."

"Me, neither."

"Good," Dark said. "Let's get back to the Dominion and regroup. "I have a feeling the Glory Boys need to be taught a lesson. Again. But only after Tembi learns the joys of going Dark."

===
At the Dominion
===

Brand_S and some 24-year-old chick were making out like champs on one of the bar stools when Dark, Space and Sober walked in. "What the hell is going on here?" demanded Space. "S, get the hell in line before I sober up and can't ream you because I'm too busy getting FADED LIKE NO OTHER."

S stood at attention, at least as well as he could for someone with so much alcohol in his bloodstream that they could classify him as paint thinner.

Space inspected the woman standing before him. Very sassy, even for S... "What's your name?" he asked.

"Sassy," she replied.

Space shook his head. He couldn't believe his ears. "You're telling me your name is 'Sassy'?!"

She looked nervous, which was good, because she pouted her amazing lips and put her hands behind her back which made her solid rack stick out even more. "Yes?" she said questioningly.

"SAINTS PRESERVE US! WHAT ARE THE ODDS!" Space exclaimed. "Welcome to the Legion, Sassy!" He threw a key to S. "Head upstairs to the Love Shack. Tell Tembi, Lolita, Kipper and Slider8_ that they're needed down here right away. We'll be waiting for when you're 'done.'" S and Sassy grinned like a couple of drunk muppets and spirited themselves away.

Five minutes later, Kipper, Slider8_, Sober, Space, Dark, Tembi and Lolita sat around the Round Table, all drinking like champs except Tembi, who was sitting in Poppa Dark's lap running her fingers through his hair. It was her turn to be the designated driver so she took the opportunity to turn her full, uninebriated senses towards making her GOD as happy as possible.

"Didn't we just destroy one of the Glory Boys' bases of operations LAST night?" Lolita asked. She was impatient. It'd been almost a full day since she'd had the sweetest lovin' available, and she wanted more.

"Unfortunately, the Glory Boys have enough secret bunkers that even Hitler's jealous. Besides, when your hero is Roman Polanksi, you have to make people think you could be anywhere or they'll come and teach you a very naughty lesson," Dark said.

"We need to start destroying their clones and eventually destroy Yeontoo, who Dark and I have come to dub 'The Puppetmaster,'" Space said. "I've gotten word that the two Glory Boys are entering the Blue District tonight - Jorge because he needs to satiate his never-ending desire for Cadbury Easter eggs and Cheezits, and Sabre because his life-long ambition is to collect every pink Pokémon card and Kid Icarus Nintendo cartridge on the planet, and the Blue District is the only place on the BBoard to accomplish these goals."

"Is it any coincidence that it's also the only place on the BBoard where anyone can discreetly and anonymously buy Urkel porn and Bea Arthur's underwear?" Dark posited.

"Where do you keep getting this insider info from?" Kipper asked.

"From me."

The group turned to see Sarah, BFA turncoat. She was wearing nothing but a smile on her face, a bra and panties. She sashayed her way over to the table and sat in Space's lap, kicking up her 4-inch stiletto heels on the table and running her fingers through Space's hair. "I can't stop thinking about the other night," she whispered into Space's ear.

"No one ever does," Space whispered back, taking the opportunity to throw the mack down and start swapping spit with the sassy Brit. The scene took on a life of its own and soon Space was carrying Sarah up to the Love Bungalow (not to be confused with the Love Shack) for a session of madcap lovin'.

The others played strip poker until Space came back down, followed by Brand_S and Sassy. Tembi was the only one not fully naked, as Dark had made sure she'd lose so no one else could look at her smokin' body.

"Where's Sarah?" asked Kipper.

"She's recovering. Give her a day or two."

Slider8_ leaned over and whispered in Lolita's ear: "Doesn't it bother you that he gets it on with another chick?"

Lolita looked at him as though he'd just asked the stupidest question of all time, which he had. "You see this vacuous look in my eye?" she asked. "When you're rocked by a GOD like Space, nothing else matters. Jealousy is never an issue." Lolita got up and whispered something in Space's ear and the two went back upstairs. Space was glad that Lolita was already naked; it saved so much time.

Meanwhile, S and Sassy were looking mighty pleased with each other. There was about 45 minutes of idle chit-chat when the heavens shook and the sky was torn asunder. Five minutes later Space walked downstairs, alone, again.

"Where's Lolita?" asked Kipper.

"She's recovering. Give her a day or two." Space sat down. "All right, people. Let's hit the Blue District. And by the way, this new guy is Sober-Edge, the drunken, better looking, ironically-named older brother of Sabre-Edge. He's all about killing and he isn't above destroying his own brother."

"Pleasure to meet you all," said Sober.

"Likewise," everyone else said.

Kipper, Slider8, Space, Dark, Tembi, Sober, S and Sassy piled into the Sassmobile and tore off to the Blue District at a respectable 85 miles per hour. Upon exiting the vehicle and arming up, the LoB was immediately accosted by CharmedClass2005.

"Hey, do you mind if I ask you a bunch of retarded and completely off-topic questions designed to show everyone else how myopic and divisive each and every one of you is?" the teenybopper asked.

It was the last thing she ever asked, as Space's grenade launcher knocked her head clean from her body while the rest of them went to town emptying clip after clip into what was left. CC2005's empty skull exploded in a blaze of brimstone and sulfur.

"The night is young," Dark said.

The Legion made their way quickly down the streets, finding themselves in front of "Urkelrama," a store devoted almost entirely to Urkely, and to a lesser extent Harriet Winslow. Sabre and Jorge were inside, watching a rare bootlegged copy of "Family Matters" where Urkel makes love to Harriet. They were watching with relish.

"My God, if I didn't see it with my own eyes..." Dark commented.

"I knew I should have killed those two in the Dominion War..." Brand mumbled. Sassy consoled him by shoving her tongue down his throat.

"That gluttonous... ugh, that's so disgusting. Look." Space pointed to Jorge, demolishing a box of Cheezits simultaneously with a huge chocolate egg. "That's wrong on just about every level."

"Not as wrong as what Sabre is doing," Kipper pointed out.

Everyone looked. No one could contest Kipper's boast.

"Can we kill them now?" asked Vance454. Space turned to look. Sure enough, it was Vance.

"Jimbo, what the hell are you doing here?" Space asked.

"I'm part of the Legion! See, I've got vodka being fed to me intravenously." Vance pointed to a tube dripping precious alcohol into his veins. He also had a stinger missile launcher.

"Sweet," Space said.

The nine warriors positioned themselves around the building, one at each cardinal direction, one at NW, one at NE, one at SE and one at SW. Space climbed the roof and got close to the ventilation system. He activated a smoke bomb and threw it into the vent shaft. From below, the others watched as the room filled with smoke. Jorge and Sabre began to choke.

"Not now!" Sabre pleaded with no one in particular. "Bea Arthur is just about to get it on with Gentle Ben!"

"I think the room is filling with deadly smoke!" Jorge deduced. "Let's get out of here!"

It was at that moment that a fully automatic machine gun tore through Jorge's shoulder, severing his right arm. Then his left arm. Seconds later, a motion sensitive bomb landed on Jorge's face. When he tried to scream, the bomb detected the vibrations and calmly blew what was left of Jorge into a funky pattern on the wall.

Space jumped off the building, having just left plastique and dynamite fused to the fire prevention system.

The smoke detectors did their job and turned on the sprinkler system, which sparked the plastique and demolished the building with Sabre still alive.

Well, kind of.

Seconds before the detonation, the others had unleashed a volley of ammo that literally liquefied Sabre's body. Round after round of ammo tore through his pathetic, sickly San Diego body, but he was technically still alive when 10 tons of concrete robbed him of life.

Too bad he was a clone.

The Legion celebrated their victory with drinking, sex and more of both. It was an uneventful evening.

-=Legion of Booze=-
2,400 kick-ass words