***Disclaimer***

Since alot of you are NOT going to like this, let me tell you. There is NO outs. This one is for REAL. People are going to DIE in this post. Be prepared...

Yours
-dark

With that, let the saga of sass continue:

Dellyone yelled into her computer: "Furthermore, I DEMAND the money to be delivered by Billy D. Williams, or all of the hostages will be subjected to more of my useless banter. And to re-iterate BLAH Blah blah...." She stopped abruptly.

"You getting all that?" she asked as she made a few more corrections to her "scrambler" which consisted of an Etch a Sketch connected to a fully functioning Lite Brite. The Lite Brite spelled out the words "Secrete Scrampbler".

The computer responded, "Achenfsdkl;kI love poopy droplins dkakhrek"

"Bloody HELL!" she screamed at the Furby as it continued it's recitation of her horrid speech in it's own language.

All of the hostages continued to watch "Sweating to the Oldies" with avid interest...

........………..

Darkslider listened to all this and shook his head. First Tembi's little talk about her idea for sweet sausage lovin, and now this nonsense. He picked up his Poppaphone(tm) and called Space.

"Dude, why am I here again, instead of watching PORN? I can’t believe you stopped the lovin Tembi and I were having this morning for this..” Dark dryly asked.

"We're here to rescue the hostages and get rid of the excess mercenary teams, you retard." Space yelled back, "Jesus you're a MORON."

“Plus” Space said, “We all missed out on lovin. This morning I had Lolita, Sarah, AND the St. Paulie’s Girl all in Momma’s Love Den. Mmmm…”

"Enough, you fairy. What do we do now?” dark asked.

"Meet me out front with the others. We're gonna decide how to do this."

Outside was not far. In fact, Dark barely turned round and he was out of the mobile home that a tornado should have removed long ago. As he walked toward the LoB, Dark turned around to look at the place.

The "X Team Hideout" was a metallic mobile home on cinder blocks. Decorating the front was a puke green polyester couch and some scattered hubcaps. A pair of dirty Wonder Woman underoos christened the doorway along with the sign that told the reader "This is the Hideout for Groop X. Please knock before entering. This means you MOM.."

Dark could feel the headache coming. It was going to be a long day.

"Alright simps, listen up. You're orders are simple. Step one: go in there. Step Two: KILL EVERYONE. Step Three: go to the Dominion and make ourselves sterile and comatose on alcohol."

"You got that?" Space asked the LoB.

"What does 'listen up' mean, exactly?", Lolita asked, "I mean how do you listen...up? Is that possible? Where am I?"

Dark rubbed his temple with his left hand as he reached down and turned off the safety on his Sassblaster. He began to lift the gun when Space stopped him.

Dark sighed."I know..I know...we can only kill the OTHER factions' members.."

"No, HOMO. Do whatever you want. She just looks too damn sassy to kill right now, plus Momma needs to deliver a dose of sausage lovin soon or he's gonna burst"

Brand_S looked at the hideout and asked the logical question that had been in dark's mind.

"Why don't we just blow it up from here with a Molotov Cocktail, and get them all right now?"

"Is that a new drink? Can I have a taste?" Lolita asked.

"Dammit, will you just do what I say?" Space asked. He continued, "Look, we're going in because they have some underground catacombs that span the sewers. PLUS half the beauty of this is that we get to see who we kill and CONFIRM THAT THEY ARE DEAD. No more goddam clones, people in disguise or other idiocies. This ones for keeps."

Dark, S, and the others liked the sound of that. They were all tired of killing putty people. Plus, Dark needed to vent. Stuffed yak? What the hell did Tembi need that for?

"Alright, Poppa, you're with me. S and Sober, go around the back and take out anyone you see. Tembi, Sassy and Sophie have 'near naked hotties' duty.

"Again?" Tembi, Sassy, and Sophie simultaneously asked.

"What about us?" Vance asked.

"You, Kipper, and Slider8_ have an important job. Take Lolita and get her a book on Literacy for Dummies." Space added, "Be back in ten minutes. This will be quick."

Space and Dark walked to the front door as S' team went to the back. All of them cocked their Sassblasters.

Tembi's team slowly removed clothes, revealing LoB bathing suit thongs. They too took out their blasters and cocked them.

Vance got into the Sassmobile and began to explain to Lolita, what exactly, the metal box they were getting into was used for.

..........
Dark and Space walked to the door. Just before kicking in the door, Matt stopped.

"What's going on with you, Poppa? Are you okay?” Space worriedly asked,

"Dude, I don't want to talk about it. This day is getting worse by the minute." Dark spat as he rubbed his temple with his left hand.

"Is this about the stuffed yak lovin Tembi wants to try?” Space asked with a grimace.

"I said 'I don't want to talk about it. Now can we do this?” Dark yelled.

Dark kicked the door with the force of a semi. Unfortunately, it was too hard. The Underoos fell onto his head as he rushed in, leaving him blinder than RandomJudgement's love for Dennis the Menace. He stumbled in and fell with a thud. Matt gracefully jumped over him and fired two shots, right into the eyes of the Velvet Ike Turner that hung over the television. Behind the tin can thin walls, the GODS heard a thud and a scream.

"Groovy." Matt said as he picked up Dark.

"I'm sorry, but can you help me? I’m supposed to be at Sabrina’s house, and I’m a little lost" a voice asked from behind.

There's times to think and times to act. That time that the Midget Pole Vaulting Team paid RJ's mom to help them with an all night session of practice was a time to think before acting. The time Matt had that Hooters girl hitting on him was a time to ACT, not think. This time, there was no time to think.

Dark's aggression at the situation, the low blood alcohol level and the Rumundies Tembi had worn the night before had gotten to him. Before he could think, he turned and shot the questioner TEN times in the head and crotch before he noticed Matt telling him to stop.

TemporalFlux fell to the floor dead with the question still on his lips. His 'I Break for Seahorses' T-shirt was now soaked with blood. The map he'd been holding floated away in the breeze.

"Ooops." Dark whispered.

"Forget it. Let's go." Matt yelled as he turned and led the way down the foot long "hallway".

Matt opened the door to the room where Dark told him the hostages were.

Inside the hostages sat drooling while staring at the TV. Turns out the "'Sweating to the Oldies' was an odd porn. It was Sweating Honeys 400+. Dellyone was nowhere to be seen.

Well, the hostages basically almost crapped their pants when they realized that they were saved. Sadly though, they were FAR from the truth.

Space surveyed the room. Nothing big was in there, save the two GODS, the hostages and a table.

"Dude, I have to know. What's the story with the buffalo and Tembi?" Matt asked as he lowered his gun.

"Will you STOP ALREADY with your questions?" Zach angrily responded "It's no big thing"

Eustislider spoke up. "We're a little sore, could you possible untie us...maybe..?"

"Shut-up you snaggle toothed tea junkie" Space interjected. He turned to Poppa, "Just tell MOMMA it'll make you feel better."

"Uggghhh...fine. Tembi wants to try something new. She wants to try and make it on a stuffed animal, preferably a stuffed yak." dark said as he leaned against the wall.

"And don't EVEN get me started on where the ice machine gets involved." he added.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! You're RIDICULOUS," Space said.

"I am and you AND Tembi love it", Dark said.

"No I don't. Neither does she. You're useless", Space informed Dark.

"I'm not! I do PLENTY. I can-", Dark stated

"Use-Less. You. Are. Useless", Space sighed as he looked around the room for the body of dellyone, or for any hidden doors.

"I can shoot better than you. AND I'm better at driving a respectable 85mph in the Sassmobile. PLUS. . I’m better at delivering LOVIN"

"Prove it."

Dark looked around the room. "Dude, this is hardly the TIME nor PLACE to be doing that. Besides, I thought we were STRAIGHT."

"No, moron. A shooting contest." Space plainly stated.

"With WHAT? Everyone's shoes?" Dark asked.

"No, stupid. Here, take this tic-tac and put it into Eusti's mouth. Try to shoot it out of his teeth. I could do it because I'm a GOD. You....you are just my hoe." Space laughed as he handed the green Tic-Tac to Dark.

Placing it into a worried Eusti's mouth, Dark walked to the other end of the room and took aim. He fired with the skill of Brisco County Jr. Eusti fell dead with a hole the size of a beer can in the back of his head. The tic-tac was no longer in his mouth.

"See? I am GOD. Eat me." dark said, "Sorry Eusti".

"Dude the point was to shoot it OUT OF HIS MOUTH AND NOT KILL HIM", Matt yelled, "Lord, you're stupid".

"Fine. Show me your 'powers' you monkey", Dark answered back.

Space took another Tic-Tac and put it into Vigeant's mouth. Vigeant looked worried, but held perfectly still. Matt went to the other side of the room. With the speed of a real gunslinger, he shot once from the hip.

Vigeant fell over-dead.

The tic-tac was still in her mouth though.

Dark stared at his friend.

"Dude, she MOVED.", Matt finally spoke.

"You saw it!! .She moved at the LAST second" Space pleaded.

"Fine, try again.” Dark proposed.

Before the contest could be finished, the door swung open with a bang...

Yeontoo burst in. "This is WRONG, and you know it Matt. It's against the rules. Even if they are clones, you can't do this!!"

"Don't worry. They aren't clones. They're REAL. Eusti and Vigeant are DEAD.”, Matt said with a smile, "And now..so are you"

What happened next is by FAR the strangest thing this writer has ever seen. Space whipped out the Yeontoo Be Good Stick and swung with all he was worth.

Yeontoo didn't see it coming. One minute she was standing there, and the next, she was 6 Billion Years in the future, just before the sun went Nova. Before the dying sun's last burst of heat consumed the Earth, Yeontoo's last thoughts were "Fuck. I KNEW I should've joined the GODDAM LoB. I love those BASTARDS".

.....…………….

Brand_S and Sober were talking about S' menage-a-trois when they heard a rustling behind them. Both drew their guns and prepared to fire.

But before they could what appeared to be the only survivor of the Lollipop Guild came out from behind the bushes. He emerged from the bushes while pulling up his silver manhandler. He completed his ensemble of travesty with a pair of spurs and a Kerropi backpack.

Brand_S stared in disbelief “What the hell is THAT?”

Sober shrugged, “ I have no idea, man. What do you want to do?”

The walking Lawn Gnome spoke up, “I am a guard for Group X, and you are my prisoners. Now, reach for the sky!” He produced what appeared to be a Super Soaker and aimed as high as he could, which was about crotch level.

The little man had spunk, but like Nature, the LoB GODS, did not take him seriously.

Brand_S burst into laughter. Sober followed suit.

The little man sighed. He’d seen this all before.

The laughter continued until the “magic midget” could take it no more.

“That’s it you bastards! I’m RandomJudgement and it’s time for a few CALLS…” he screamed.

Brand_S continued to laugh. AS he did though, he aimed his Sassblaster at the man and fired twice.

Random fell to the ground (which was not that far away from him). He screamed in pain. With amazing skill, S had shot both knees out from under RJ.

S stooped down and knelt next to the midget. “Now, you listen to me, you Webster stunt double. I need answers. How many other guards are around the compound?”

“No. Neener neener, blah blech. I like young boys, “ was RJ’s reply.

Brand_S had spent time in ‘Nam back in ‘68 with Dark and Space. He KNEW how to handle the enemy. They called him Ear Lobe S. for reasons we’re not allowed to discuss for legal reasons.

He worked the magic on RJ. He squealed after one minute.

“Alright! All right! There’s about—“ he yelled out.

“You know what? I don’t want to know anymore! We’ll figure it out on our own.” S cut in as he shot three times into the malformed melon that was RJ’s skull.

“Dude, that was unnecessary,” Sober whined.

“Shut up”, was all S said to him as they went around the back of the trailer.


As soon as they turned the corner, the shit hit the fan…

“Oh My GOD” Sober whimpered.
……….

-darkslider
Poppa

----Legion of Booze ----
Made by aspiring alcoholics FOR aspiring alcoholics.

I don't have a problem with being killed. It would certainly get me out of the hole I've written myself into and very few dead people are forced to wear berets or towels. My only nit is that I was not a hostage. BritSlider was.

http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/19812

Before there's any more questions, let me say this:

Vigeant's sex is in question. It's revealed in the next chapter.

Eusti, your hostage status is also covered.

Alll DEATHS are final, though.

No Clones
No Alternate Realities.

This is the real-deal.

-darkslider

darkslider,

Dude that was hilarious. Etch a Sketch, Lite Brite, Furby. BWHAHAHAHA.

Yeah I was going to use those Furbys for my target practice since my stupid Group X team infuriated me thereby going through my supply of those 'insanely happy yellow rat' targets too fast. I have to use the regular targets for the next two weeks. Now I can't rant and rave while practicing. Then my team had the nerve to tell me that there were no more warehouses to target. I'm only doing it for the children!

Oh sorry that was the slightly off-kilter dellyone of Group X writing there.;-) I got to get her in line. She's giving me a bad name. LOL. dark, that was brilliant!:-)

dellyone

Very, very nice read man. The best writers know how to poke fun at themselves and STILL come off being cool. You do that great man. Good job!

SE

Dear Zacky the Kitten,

Ah Zack ~You hit me with a stick? Ack!

and its

Z
A
C
K

HA HA HA! Don't tear the sawdust stuffings out of the teddy bear when he gives you a saucer of milk.

Blessings,
Yeontoo

ps Nice writing!

Original URL http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/19985