Date:
4/7/2000
From: EustiSlider
As the beret war raged on, the board became more
fractious. The BFA remained strong, courting the Dec-10 Boyz.
The ABL managed to absorb the DRC, still there were too many
competing factions. A vision occurred to BritSlider telling
him what he must do. He must complete a quest. It would serve
as a beacon of hope for all opposed to silly headgear in these
dark times. He must complete the quest for the Holy Fedora!
Scene 20
After much searching, and after much taunting from the likes
of Sarah_Slider, Callie21V, and Mychand, BritSlider learns of
the location of one who can help.
As the ABL (plus a few unwanted posters) approached, they could
see a man hurling fireballs at will.
[boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom]
BritSlider: What manner of man are you that can summon up fire
without flint or tinder?
Brand_S: I... am an enchanter.
BritSlider: By what name are you known?
Brand_S: There are some who call me... S?
BritSlider: Greetings, S the Enchanter.
Brand_S: Greetings, BritSlider!
BritSlider: You know my handle?
Brand_S: I do. [zoosh] You seek the Holy Fedora!
BritSlider: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden,
O S.
Brand_S: Quite. [pweeng boom]
GROUP: [clap clap clap]
BritSlider: Yes, we're, we're looking for the Fedora. Our quest
is to find the Holy Fedora.
GROUP: It is, yes, yup, yes, yeah.
TheIrrelevantPoster: Yahtzee!
BritSlider: And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it.
GROUP: Yes, we are, we are.
HunterD_Raven: We have been for some time.
QBall79: Ages.
BritSlider: Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help,
would be... very... helpful...
Sliding_Cpt_Bridger: Look, can you tell us wh- [boom]
BritSlider: Fine, um, I don't want to waste anymore of your
time, but, uh I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we
might find a, um, find a, uh, a, um, a uh--
Brand_S: A what...?
BritSlider: A f--, a f--
Brand_S: A Fedora?!
BritSlider: Yes, I think so.
GROUP: Yes, that's it. Yes.
Brand_S: Yes!
GROUP: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine. [boom pweeng boom boom]
BritSlider: Look, you're a busy man, uh--
Brand_S: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Fedora!
GROUP: Oh, thank you.
Brand_S: To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Appropriate
Headgear -- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living
rock, the last words of Robert K. Weiss of St. Claire [boom]
proclaim the last resting place of the most Holy Fedora.
BritSlider: Where could we find this cave, O S?
Brand_S: Follow! But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for
the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul,
so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones
of four fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave ABL,
if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further,
for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth.
BritSlider: What an eccentric performance.
Scene 21
[clop clop whinny]
HunterD_Raven: They're nervous, sire.
BritSlider: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot.
Dis-mount!
Brand_S: Behold the cave of Appropriate Headgear!
BritSlider: Right! Keep me covered.
HunterD_Raven: What with?
BritSlider: Just keep me covered.
Brand_S: Too late! [chord]
BritSlider: What?
Brand_S: There he is!
BritSlider: Where?
Brand_S: There!
BritSlider: What, behind the beret?
Brand_S: It is the beret!
BritSlider: You silly sod! You got us all worked up!
Brand_S: Well, that's no ordinary beret. That's the most foul,
cruel, and bad-tempered hat you ever set eyes on.
Silverguy: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Brand_S: Look, that beret's got a vicious streak a mile wide,
it's a killer!
Sliding_Cpt_Bridger: Get stuffed!
Brand_S: It'll do you a trick, mate!
Sliding_Cpt_Bridger: Oh, yeah?
TheIrrelevantPoster: How can you tell if a brown towel is clean?
Brand_S: I'm warning you!
Blinker: What's it do? Make you look silly?
Brand_S: It's got huge, sharp-- it can leap about-- look at
the bones!
BritSlider: Go on, Ed_The_Sock. Burn it with your stogie!
Ed_The_Sock: Right! Friggin' little mook. One beret bonfire
comin' right up!
Brand_S: Look! [squeak]
Ed_The_Sock: Aaaugh! Friggin' mook![chord]
BritSlider: Jesus Christ!
Brand_S: I warned you!
Silverguy: I peed again!
Brand_S: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you
knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little beret,
isn't it? Well, it's always the same, I always--
BritSlider: Oh, shut up!
Brand_S: --But do they listen to me?--
BritSlider: Right!
Brand_S: -Oh, no--
BritSlider: Charge! [squeak squeak]
GROUP: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc.
GROUP: Run away! Run away!
Brand_S: Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw.
BritSlider: Right. How many did we lose?
Blinker: Mallory15.
QBall79: TheIrrelevantPoster.
BritSlider: And Ed_The_Sock. That's five.
Blinker: Three, sir.
BritSlider: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal
assault, that beret's dynamite.
Silverguy: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
BritSlider: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.
QBall79: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will
make a mistake.
BritSlider: Like what?
QBall79: Well,....
BritSlider: Have we got bows?
Blinker: No.
Blinker: We have the Holy Hat Grenade.
BritSlider: Yes, of course! The Holy Hat Grenade of Torme! 'Tis
one of the sacred relics SlidersCentral carries with him! SlidersCentral!
Bring up the Holy Hat Grenade!
(SlidersCentral approaches with the Hat Grenade and hands it
to BritSlider)
BritSlider: How does it, uh... how does it work?
Blinker: I know not, my liege.
QBall79: Consult the Book of Armaments!
SlidersCentral: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.
EustiSlider: "And Saint Torme raised the Hat Grenade up
on high, saying, 'Oh, Flux, bless this thy Hat Grenade that
with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.'
And the Flux did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs,
and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast
cereals, and fruit bats, and large --"
SlidersCentral: Skip a bit, Eusti.
EustiSlider: "And the Flux spake, saying, 'First shalt
thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three,
no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count,
and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou
not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then
proceed to three. Five is right out! Once the number three,
being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy
Hatd Grenade of Torme towards thou foe, who being naughty in
my sight, shall snuff it.'"
SlidersCentral: Amen.
GROUP: Amen.
BritSlider: Right! One... two... five!
QBall79: Three, sir!
BritSlider: Three! [boom]
And with that, the beret was destroyed. The remaining group
entered the cave of Apporpriate Headgear to continue their quest...
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