Jerry Springer...
I could see it now.

Date: 12/5/99
From: Brand_S

DISCLAIMER: The following is just a joke. And I WILL be swearing too, so keep that in mind.

[Jerry O and Charlie are sitting in two separate chairs right next to each other, holding hands. Charlie is staring off into space, while Jerry O is looking at Jerry S. Next to the O'Connells is Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, and Jackie Jackson.]

Jerry S: Welcome back, everyone. Today we're talking about "Talentless Brothers Who Think They're Still Famous." Next to four out of the Jackson 5 are the O'Connell brothers, Jerry and Charlie.
So, Jerry and Charlie, you were on the hit TV show "Sliders." Am I right?

Jerry O: I don't like to talk about that. After all, I'm so much more famous now that I'm not on that show!

Jerry S: What about Charlie?

Jerry O: Yeah, he was on for a few seasons. I really liked working with him... except that I have to dress him every morning. It was easier when he just slept 24/7.

Jerry S: So, why did the two of you leave Sliders?

Jerry O: Well, it all comes down to David Peckinpah, who wouldn't let me have his position. There was also this coloring book incedent...

Jerry S: Didn't you promise to be on the show forever?

Jerry O: Yeah, so?

Jerry S: Well, Jerry, you're in for a big surprise, because we found David Peckinpah and he's right here. Come on out, David!

[David Peckinpah walks out. Jerry gets up and fights with Peck. The two really start layin' into each other, physically and verbally.]

David: You and your ****ing brother!

Jerry O: **** you and Kari Wuhrer!

David: All the time!

Jerry O: I'll kick your Sliders-****ing ***!

David: **** you you ****ing ****!

[Bodyguards have to force Jerry O and Peck to sit back down. Jerry O doesn't hold Charlie's hand anymore, but Charlie's hand doesn't move, either. In fact, Charlie doesn't move at all.]

Jerry S: What seems to be the problem here?

David: He's just mad because I wouldn't let him be executive producer. All he wants to do is rip-off movies!

Jerry O: That's all you do anyway!

David: Shut your *** up! I don't rip off a damn thing! I made odes to movies, ****er!

Jerry S: Well, this is very interesting, but Jerry, Peck, we have something even more interesting for you. John, come on out!

[John Rhys-Davies walks out. Peck gets up to go after him. John grabs him, hefts him in the air, spins around for a while, and throws him into the ground on his belly. John then jumps shoulder-first into Peck's back. He then gets up and kicks Peck in the side and face until Peck starts to bleed. Eventually, Peck has a bloody nose, and his clothes are soaked. John then steps on his head.]

John: Take that, ****er!

Jerry O: Hey, what the hell are you doing here?

John: You want some of this, little man? Bring it on!

[Eventually, more of Jerry's crew forces John and Peck to sit back down. Peck passes out in his chair.]

John: Mr. O'Connell, what's wrong with you?

Jerry O: Stop treating me like a child!

John: Why don't you go home to your mama, little boy?

Jerry O: You can't condescend to me! I was the fat kid from "Stand By Me!"

John: You immature little ****!

[Springer has started to act like a circus ringmaster. He dances around calling people to come out!]

Springer: On Kari, on Tembi, on Sabrina Lloyd!
On Cleavant, on Tracy, on Robert Floyd!

[The six of them come out and a riot ensues. Kari and Sabrina start to sneer at each other and eventually are wrestling on the ground, pulling each other's hair. Jerry O gets up and grabs Robert. Tracy kicks a still-unconscious David Peckinpah in the groin. Cleavant grabs other chairs and starts throwing them on Peck. Marlon Jackson gets up and goes at it with Tembi.]

[Sabrina headbutts Kari.]

Sabrina: Take that, *****!

Kari: You skinny little...

[Sabrina punches Kari in the nose, giving her a nosebleed.]

Jerry O: Hey, Floyd, I'm still better than you!

Robert: Shut your *** up! At least I can ACT!

[Robert picks up Jerry's leg and slams it into his own. Jerry's leg is shattered, and he walks around like the gimp he is. Robert punches him in the face and Jerry bleeds out the mouth.]

Jerry: [gurgle] ***hole! [gurgle]

[Tembi punches Marlon Jackson in the face and hits him across the face, knocking him out.]

Tembi: I'll take all you Jacksons on! Even the paedophile who didn't show!

[Tembi gets in a fistfight with Jackie, Jermaine, and Tito.]

[Tracy grabs David Peckinpah's limp body and holds it up while John punches him several times. Cleavant motions for him to move. John moves out of the way and Cleavant punches Peckinpah a number of times. Suddenly, Sabrina comes running and tackles Peckinpah from the side. The two of them both fall on the ground. Kari comes up to her, grabs her, and picks her up.]

Kari: Don't mess with my man, *****!

[Sabrina suddenly whips out some mace and sprays it in Kari's eyes. Kari falls to the ground, clutching her eyes.]

Sabrina: That's for replacing me!

[John runs up, grabs Kari's hair, and drags her as he dances all around the seats.]

John: Ya like that action, Kari?!

[Throughout all of this, Charlie has not moved a single inch.]

[Springer runs up and tries to quell the situation.]

Jerry S: Let's calm down here!

[Cleavant runs up and punches Jerry in the eye.]

John: ****in'-A!

[Tracy runs up to Jerry S and smashes a chair on him, knocking him out.]

[Suddenly, Brand S, HunterD, and Informant come rushing in, carrying a gigantic orange drawstring bag. They pick up Jerry O, stick him inside, and run off.
DonProc and rdwebster get up. They are in the audience together, holding hands.]

DonProc and rdwebster: You can't do that! We said so, 'cause we're more mature. We're mature! We're mature! We're mature!

[Robert and Tembi suddenly whip out guns and shoot both of them.]

Robert and Tembi: That's for bashing us and acting like you're right all the time!

[It's a good long while before anyone notices Jerry O'Connell is gone. It's an even longer while before the fighting ends. Jerry Springer's unconscious, so it's not like there's anything he can do.]

S

Original URL http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/15330/1
Nominated by Brand_S