Reselations (FF)

Date: 08/31/2000
From: Brand_S

Sliders
Season 6
The Brand_S Way

Episode 1 - Reselations

Rembrandt Brown slowly came back to the world of the conscious. Well, halfway, at least. He felt completely devoid of any kind of strength. When he eventually found the strength to open his eyes, he started to take in where he was. He was lying on a hospital bed. Several tubes came out of his left wrist, obviously feeding him something intravenously.

Rembrandt tried to think of why he'd be here. Nothing came. The last thing he could remember was travelling through a narrow red vortex.

Suddenly, a nurse walked in. With her was a large, bearded man Rembrandt recognized instantly.

"Professor!" Rembrandt yelled jubilantly. He knew his friend and fellow slider, Professor Arturo, had been dead for about three years now, but just seeing a familiar face was reassuring enough.

The nurse smiled. "This man wanted to see you, Mr. Brown. He said it's important."

Rembrandt turned to the nurse. "Thanks!" He dismissed her with an acknowledging nod, then turned to the professor, Professor Maximillian P. Arturo. "What are you doing here?"

The professor gave him a look like Rembrandt just asked him what color his hair is. "I haven't seen you for four years, Mr. Brown, and two days ago you just fall out of a vortex and pass out. Where do you THINK I'm going to go?"

Rembrandt thought it over. "Good point... So, you're a slider too?"

The professor replied, "You blistering idiot! We spent two years sliding together!"

Rembrandt thought about it for a few minutes. "Oh my God! I remember now! You must've been... Yeah, we were on that world that looked so much like Earth Prime... We took the wrong professor with us!"

"Exactly," the professor replied.

"So what did you do after we ditched you?"

"Simple," the professor said. "I developed my own timer and went sliding by myself. Eventually, I found an advanced world. They were able to send me to my homeworld based on my quantum signature. That's probably the way you got home too, isn't it?"

Rembrandt thought to himself. Considering he got his homeworld coordinates from an evil mad scientist with a stupid haircut, there wasn't a lot he could say for sure. That explanation would make sense though. "Yeah, I think it was the way. ... But this is Earth Prime. Shouldn't this world be ruled by Kromaggs or something?"

"I haven't seen any Kromaggs since I got here, and I think it's safe to say this is our homeworld since we both arrived the same way."

"So this is the REAL Earth Prime," Rembrandt said. Arturo gave a confirming nod. "Oh my God!"

"What?"

"I figured it all out! I know what's going to happen next! It's all just one big set of 'convenient' plot points and 'coincedences!' In the space of about two or three days, you and I are going to be reunited in a predictable fashion with the three others I left behind..."

"Others?"

"Yeah, and then something will happen to one of them so we're back down to just four people and then Mallory will become Quinn again..."

"Mallory? Quinn? What the hell kind of drugs do they have in other worlds, my boy? If memory serves, Mallory IS Quinn!"

Rembrandt ignored the professor's comment. "The four of us will then be back to sliding like we used to be. Of course, the four of us will survive every slide because we're the four sliders. And then we'll have a couple of adventures before everything just... stops."

"Stops?"

"Yeah, something will happen and we'll just stop having adventures all of a sudden. It'll probably happen once we're down to four people."

Arturo paused for a long time after hearing this. Eventually, he replied, "How do you know all this?"

Rembrandt opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, he felt a cold wind and a new idea hit him with the force of a brick. "Actually," Rembrandt said. "All of a sudden, it doesn't seem so likely anymore. It's almost like, all of a sudden everything just got... unpredictable."

"Well," Arturo said. "I can still activate the timer if you want to go back for your friends. Mine works perfectly, so you'll be able to find them and take them with you back here if you want. I have it right here with me." The professor showed him the timer. It looked like the first one, only fancier. "What's it going to be, Mr. Brown?"

Rembrandt thought about it...

He thought about Mallory and the way Mallory always unquestionably followed his libido. There were a lot of times where Rembrandt almost got killed because Mallory saw a beautiful woman and decided to try something. Did Rembrandt really want to put up with Mallory's satyriasis anymore now that he had an option?

He thought about Maggie and her fickle, nymphomaniacal ways. She was always really annoying, what with her emotions always changing. She could be incensed one minute and overjoyed the next. She also had this way of having sex... a lot. Did Rembrandt really want to listen to Maggie's whiny voice and constant belligerence?

He tried to think about Diana... but nothing came to mind.

"No," Rembrandt said. "I think I'll just stay here. They'll be fine, wherever they are."

"Fine," the professor said. "You know, I don't think there's any need for you to be in this hospital anymore. Get up and I'll get you out of here."

As Rembrandt was getting up, he took a look out the window and gasped at what he saw. He could tell by the look on the professor's face that he saw it too.

A Kromagg Manta ship.

The ship had just exited a red vortex. It bucked and twisted in the air. Its short flight came to an end as the ship descended and hit a skyscraper. The ship exploded, and lay suspended, sticking out of the tall building.

"Holy shit!" Arturo exclaimed. Rembrandt smiled. Oddly enough, Rembrandt hadn't heard a "four-letter word" in six years before that. It gave him the courage to try a little swearing himself.

"Let's get the fuck down there! I'll be damned if I let those son-of-a-bitchin' Kromaggs give us shit on OUR world!"

"Indeed. To the Arturomobile!"

*****

Meanwhile, inside the Manta Ship, Logan St. Clair jumped up and down in her fury. She was standing on a large spotlit triangle in the center of what was obviously the cockpit. Standing around the circle were a very fat white guy (who, incidentally, had a child molester mustache), a Kromagg, Colonel Rickman (looking less human and more animal than ever), Quinn Mallory, and Wade Welles. Quinn and Wade were obviously doubles, (To eliminate confusion, from here to the end of the episode, they'll be called alt-Quinn and alt-Wade.) each with a Snidely Whiplash handlebar mustache. Alt-Quinn stroked his with one hand, eyeing Logan. Alt-Wade did the same with hers.

Colonel Rickman growled. "Arf! Arf! Who would've thought that an alien ship could only be operated by disco dancing?"

The fat white man commented, "I keep telling you, boss, I can fly this thing. I've been dancing disco for 30 years!"

"Shut up, Remmy!" Logan snapped. She took a deep breath and began to talk to herself. "I can do this. I can do this. I can do this... Well, start the fucking MUSIC!"

"Sorry, boss," said the fat white man, whose name happened to be Rembrandt Brown. Alt-Rembrandt went to a console and pushed a few buttons. Suddenly the song "Disco Inferno" came on. Logan tried to dance as best she could. She did every disco dance she could think of.

Eventually, the ship backed out of its place in the skyscraper. The group cheered. Logan, distracted by her success, stopped. The ship stopped in mid-air as well. When she started again, the Manta ship started to ascend slowly by about a hundred feet.

"Woof! We're doing it!" Rickman cheered.

"Excellent," alt-Quinn and alt-Wade commented in unison.

Suddenly, Logan tripped and fell. The ship rammed right into the skyscraper, creating another notch about ten stories up from the first one. Suddenly, the lights illuminating the triangle in the center blacked out.

"You shouldn't have tripped," the Kromagg commented.

"Shut your damn mouth, Bob!" Logan yelled. Frustrated, Logan stood up and jumped up and down, uttering every swear word that came to mind. Even the usually-unsmiling alt-Quinn and alt-Wade snickered when Logan yelled "Fuck a duck!"

After a few minutes, Logan calmed down. "Somebody go check on our cargo. I don't think we're going anywhere." All of Logan's henchmen complied. Logan eventually walked in after them. The cargo bay was a small room, about the same size as the cockpit. Four transparent glass pods lay side-by-side in the room, each containing one unconscious person lying on his/her back.

"No change," Colonel Rickman reported.

"Who are these people, anyway?" alt-Wade asked. "I remember you capturing them, but you never said why."

"Well," Logan said. "It's a long story, but I suppose I should've told you by now.

"I was tracking Quinn Mallory and his friends, but I could never catch up to them. Then I met my boyfriend, Poochy here..." Logan pointed at Colonel Rickman, who responded with a smooching motion. "... and we started sliding together. In one of the worlds we slid into, we found this ship parked in a jungle. We went inside and together we killed most of the Kromaggs in here. We let the last one live."

"That's me," Bob said.

Logan continued, "He told us they were using the ship to track Quinn Mallory through some implant in his head. I didn't know it was the same Quinn. At that point I wanted to kill ANY Quinn. But it worked out nicely. Eventually, after we recruited all of you, we found Quinn and two other people I didn't recognize. Quinn wasn't the same, though. He was merged with someone else for some reason I haven't figured out yet. But this new Quinn and his friends had no idea who I was, so I told them I was a slider. They said one of their friends slid ahead of them. I tricked those three into coming on board, then I knocked them out and put them here."

"Why didn't you just kill those three sliders?" alt-Wade asked.

"I'm going to use them as bait for the person who went ahead. I think that fourth person has my timer. And if he does, I'm going to get it from him. Once I get it, I should be able to get back to my homeworld."

"Yeah, but there are FOUR people in these tube-thingies," alt-Wade commented. "You only mentioned three of them!"

"Oh, yeah, that's right," Logan continued. "The fourth one is that chick that looks like you. She's just a clone the Kromaggs gave me a month ago in exchange for a little information on sliding. She's been in a coma ever since she was cloned. The original was Quinn's best friend. I figure I can use her somehow when I find this other guy."

*****

Rembrandt and Arturo stepped out of the elevator onto the 30th floor. Sure enough, there was the ship, its entrance wide open, inviting Rembrandt and Arturo in. A huge, dense crowd of people had formed around the entrance. The whole floor was packed with people, and Rembrandt and Professor Arturo found themselves elbowing their way through.

Rembrandt, still wearing his hospital gown, protested, "I don't see why we had to come straight here! Couldn't we have stopped by my house so I could change or something?"

"Mr. Brown," the professor admonished. "Your exposed backside is a small price to pay for being here soon enough to investigate this ship."

"Let's just go in, then."

Rembrandt and Arturo navigated the crowd, which let out a collective gasp when they walked in. Rembrandt figured they were just gasping at the sight of his butt.

*****

Back on the ship, Logan heard the approaching footsteps. She turned to her henchmen. "Hey, I hear someone. I think our last slider is coming to us!"

"Well," Colonel Rickman said. "We better go out there and teach him that the Sliding Pirates are not to be messed with! Mwa ha ha!" Rickman followed his evil laugh with a lupine howl. The others all let out their own evil laughs.

Logan St. Clair, Colonel Angus Rickman, alt-Quinn Mallory, alt-Wade Welles, alt-Rembrandt Brown, and Bob the Kromagg all walked away, getting ready to greet our heroes.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Wow...

Date: 08/31/2000
From: Slider8_

What a hilarious way to belittle those who want everything to be good in Sliders again. Good job.

Wow is right

Date: 08/31/2000
From: nole9

I can't wait to see where this goes. Great job on part one.

ROTFL!!!

Date: 08/31/2000
From: Wrong_Arturo

TOO funny. I could have done without all the swearing, but I was laughing through just about the whole story. Personally, I'm in favor of seeing the original sliders reunited...but I will agree that if done wrong, it can be just too corny. I assume this is the direction that most of these Season 6 fanfics have gone, and that's what you were spoofing.

In the weirdest of coincidences, I was a co-writer of a fanfiction story featuring a Kromagg named (with tongue completely in cheek) Bob. (I'm writing a new installment of that story, but I doubt Bob will be in this one.)

W.A.

Also...

Date: 08/31/2000
From: Wrong_Arturo

I think you meant to title the story "Revelations" (though that's an actual Season 4 episode) or, more likely, "Resolutions." "Reselations" isn't a word.

Take care,
W.A.

Hehehe...

Date: 08/31/2000
From: capaqu

Damn you, S! Why did you have to write something so good! It's drawing me back, just when...

Hehehe...
cappy
:-P

Well..

Date: 09/01/2000
From: Crambam

I liked this. It's a good spoof on all the fan fics. As someone who has one coming up, I can appreciate the humor. Of course, it's safe to say that virtually every fan fic writer wants the original cast back, and to clean up the Peckinpah mess. I'm no different.

The fact is, the absolute best way to bring back Arturo is to have Remmy slide into the real Earth Prime and reveal that PTSS had the wrong Arturo slide.

It's the only real way, because it's too much of a coincidence to have them run into the right Arturo elsewhere, even by returning to Azure World. Arturo is a brilliant man, and in time, he would figure a way off that world. And getting him back to the real Earth Prime with better equipment would be the best way for him and Remmy to meet up.

And because of the separation attempt by Geiger in the second to last episode, the timing is perfect for Quinn to return as well.

Of course, the sliders would have to reunite on Seer World.

That's why most of these fan fics have similar beginnings. I'm no exception. But really, after that, the authors have room to play around. Some do it right away, some do it over a course of a Season 6. Some don't reunite all of them. I do it in one story, but the story takes place over weeks. It isn't like Hi Arturo, Look it's Quinn, bam, here's Colin, and welcome back Wade all in one day. But that will come when I finish the editing.

LOL!

Date: 09/02/2000
From: DoctorQuinn

Ewww! Rickman and Logan? rofl!

Keep up the good work!

The good doctor
(There's an awful lot of fanfics I have to reply to know...why does everyone do this to me while I'm gone?!)

hehe

Date: 09/02/2000
From: Slidemania

This is hilarious!

Poochy? :-P

Original URL http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/22899
Nominated by Blinker