Date: 8/16/2000
From: SpaceTime

mo·ron
1. A city of eastern Argentina, an industrial suburb of Buenos Aires. Population, 596,769.
2. A person regarded as very stupid.
3. Hakavonn.

- The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 3rd Ed.

"Please make sure that when you include ANYTHING I've written, you also include anything I was RESPONDING to. (After all, we wouldn't want anyone to accuse you of taking things out of context, would we?)"

- Hakavonn

You got it, buddy.

In attempting to piece together just who Hakavonn is and what a disturbing moron he has become to more than a half dozen people on the BBoard that I can verify (possibly more, I'm not going to take a census), I've come to one conclusion: I am the newcomer.

Hakavonn is a poster here at the Sliders Bulletin Board. He is currently writing a fan fiction entitled "Finale" which can be reached by visiting his WebTV home page. He also posts in a myriad of other forums at the Sci Fi web site, notably Star Trek, Farscape and Lexx.

Recently, I entered into a protracted battle with Hakavonn that I don't see ending, simply because he's such a fucking rube that there is literally an endless amount of material which I could attack with.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Lemme start at the beginning, in a little post called...

-----

Identity theft...an announcement (7/24/2000)
http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/22293

Tizoog has sent me an e-mail about chapter 4 of his fanfic going up. In the list of addresses he'd sent it to, I saw something interesting.

Hakavon, galacticdefence@hotmail.com

This person is NOT me, and has stolen my online identity. Be very careful about this individual, as they're obviously up to no good.

Thanks,
Hakavonn

-----

While this in and of itself is a charming introduction to the nature of Hakavonn's idiocy, most bulletin board residents would recognize galacticedefence as the e-mail address of Blinker, one of our more notable residents. I have also been told, courtesy of Blinker, that Hakavonn KNEW his e-mail address and had written to it in the months prior. More important to note, however, is that Hakavonn fails to realize that when e-mailing several people, the comma denotes separate recipients. Therefore Hakavonn's entire post is not only mistaken, it's completely non-relevant.

My reply to Hakavonn was public and is...

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You putz (7/24/2000)
http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/22293/1

This "person" is definitely not out to get you. He's one of this board's best posters/personalities, so get over it. And no, I'm not revealing who it is; figure it out for yourself.

- ST

-----

For those of you who know me and how I write, you also know that I'm a pretty blunt personality who doesn't tolerate idiocy. However, with this being my initial foray into the world of Hakavonn, I kept it light and only called him a putz.

The next day, I received an e-mail from Hakavonn:

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One of the best personalities?
From: hakavonn@webtv.net
To: hutaff@laymeduck.com

Dear SpaceTime,

You may be right that I have an idea who this person might be. The only thing is, what he's done is illegal, and it includes his arranging for all mail going to the hotmail address to get forwarded to my own address, which constitutes harassment. I've already contacted HOTMAIL, and I'm going to the federal authorities tomorrow.

I hope your "popular" friend has a good...heh heh...lawyer. I don't know HOW serious the law views this sort of thing...but I'm sure the authorities will.

Hakavonn

-----

At this point, I am still amused because I cannot fathom how someone can infer that because their name is placed next to someone else's mass e-mail, that THEY HAVE STOLEN HAK'S IDENTITY. I had a good solid chuckle when Hak said that he was going to the federal authorities to complain. First of all, Blinker is a Canadian, so United States federal law cannot apply. Secondly, no crime has been committed. Third, there is no kind of law in the WORLD, let alone a FEDERAL law governing the usage of ONLINE HANDLES. Notice that Hakavonn's claim has changed from handle misrepresentation to e-mail THEFT, which would be IMPOSSIBLE since Hakavonn received the e-mail that Blinker supposedly STOLE!

It's also amusing to note that Hakavonn believes the authorities, who carry out the laws enacted by our local, state and federal governments, have more power than the law. Um, excuse me?

Take this level of befuddlement into account while you read my reply:

-----

Re: One of the best personalities?
From: hutaff@laymeduck.com
To: hakavonn@webtv.net

The person in question has done nothing illegal, and getting a lawyer is
pointless. Get over it, and move on. Not that the federal government could do anything about it anyways.

- ST

-----

His reply:

-----

Re: One of the best personalities?
From: hakavonn@webtv.net
To: hutaff@laymeduck.com

Don't be so sure.

-----

It's about at this point that I start to get irritated. Who *is* this guy? Why does he feel he can cryptically manipulate international agendas so that Blinker (who still has done nothing wrong) will be apprehended? Who knows.

The suit I mention in my reply refers to Syrup telling me I better give him credit for "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Multiverse" - or else. You can view that battle at www.earthprime.com/syrup.

My reply:

-----

Re: One of the best personalities?
From: hutaff@laymeduck.com
To: hakavonn@webtv.net

Ugh, WHATEVER. I've been threatened with a suit before, and this is just as baseless as that. In fact, it's even more ridiculous. Suppose I change my name in my email preferences to Hakavonn. That gives you the right to sue me? You're on crack, you moron. You could put my name on your email and there's little I can do to stop you. It isn't misrepresentation.

Get a grip on reality.

-----

His reply. By the way, this is where he insinuates that *I* am Blinker. (I wish...)

-----

From: dibble databu [mailto:hakavonn@webtv.net]
Sent: Monday, July 31, 2000 6:52 PM
To: Matt Hutaff
Subject: RE: One of the best personalities?

I'm interested in your saying that there's been a threat of a suit.
Seems you're saying that you were the one who used my name?

Hakavonn

-----

From: Matt Hutaff
Sent: Monday, July 31, 2000 7:25 PM
To: Hakavonn
Subject: RE: One of the best personalities?

Jesus, you're a moron. I said nothing of the kind. I *DO* think it's
laughable that you'd try and sue someone. But you know what? I will use your name as a logoff in every e-mail I send from now on.

Later, jackass.

Hakavonn

-----

I was hoping that would be the end of it. Like Hakavonn could leave it at that...

-----

From: dibble databu [mailto:hakavonn@webtv.net]
Sent: August 3, 10:03 PM
To: Matt Hutaff
Subject: RE: One of the best personalities?

Matt-

I'm going to say this just this once, and you'd better listen-

If I find out that you're misrepresenting yourself as me in any way, I
will use every moral and legal means at my disposal to find you and both
haul you into and keep you in court.

If you think this is a game, you're wrong. And if you figured I'd back
down, you figured wrong. I have the e-mails you sent me, including this
recent one. I WILL make you pay in court if you use my identity.

Don't mess with me. You won't like the results, I promise you, because
the above is not an empty threat.

Your attitude toward other people shows you to be lacking in some very
fundamental elements of humanity. I hope you never have any kids Matt,
because the last thing the human race needs is more people like you, and
any kids you'd have would grow up with you as a primary example for them
- an example no child should have set for them. You have a sickness and
an ugliness that permeates your being.

One thing you'd better remember -

In dealing with me, you're only risking legal action being taken. Not
everyone will limit themselves to just taking legal action, however, and
they won't be as kind as to warn you what they have in mind. You stay
with the attitude you have, Matt, and you could easilly end up on the
six o'clock news. You're going to get yourself in a mess of trouble if
you cross the wrong person, and then you'll wish, for a second or two,
that you'd lived and treated people differently.

Just fair warning. And considering the way you've acted toward me, I
dare say it's far more than you deserve. I could have said nothing, and
left you to whatever.

I hope sometime in the NEAR future, you learn, before it's too late.
(And the way things are nowadays, you never know WHO might go balistic
on you, or when.)

Fair warning and advice from someone who could have been a friend, but
who now will be avoiding you like a leper.

Hakavonn

-----

While I'm sure Hakavonn isn't the only person who hopes I'll never seed the Earth, I found this to be a pretty bleak reply considering where we started. Insinuations that I'd end up as a blot on the ground being filmed by a newscast was a low blow, and while it didn't harm me, it was kind of surprising considering, again, the origin of the debate.

As if I'm famous enough to show up on the celeb-crazy L.A. news anyways.

The funniest line, however, is the "friend" comment. But I get into that in my reply:

-----

From: Matt Hutaff
Sent: Friday, August 4 10:03 AM
To: Hakavonn
Subject: No, YOU listen.

I'm tired of your bullshit.

You want to reach me? All of my contact information is available at www.laymeduck.com. That includes any addresses you might want in case you decide to subpeona me, sue me, come and anally molest me, whatever.

If you think I am scared, you're dead wrong. You've managed to turn a helpful and vague hint on my part into some ridiculous inquisition. I have the e-mails YOU sent ME, and if you think I won't post them on the BBoard or on EARTHPRIME as a means to bring light to you stupid, infantilic behavior, think again. I've already done it with Syrup, you moronic FUCK.

Despite what you think, you can NOT consider the name "Hakavonn" intellectual property, and if you want to drag my ass into court to try and prove otherwise, BRING IT ON. I'll counter sue for malicious prosecution and bleed you dry. I'll take every last cent of yours and then I'll take your precious computer and dismantle it. Morons like you are not meant to inhabit this earth, let alone the Internet.

Don't mess with me. You won't like the results, I promise you, because
the above is not an empty threat.

Ooh, that sounded almost as scary as when YOU said it!

> Your attitude toward other people shows you to be lacking in
> some very fundamental elements of humanity. I hope you never
> have any kids Matt, because the last thing the human race
> needs is more people like you, and any kids you'd have would
> grow up with you as a primary example for them - an example
> no child should have set for them. You have a sickness and
> an ugliness that permeates your being.

Let me paraphrase Ben Stone from Law and Order:

In civilized circles, you don't call someone by their first name unless you are a friend or unless you're invited to do so. You're not my friend, and I've certainly never invited you to call me Matt.

As for the rest of your ridiculous diatribe - YOU were the one who initiated all of this ignorant crap. If you've got the complete log of our conversation, look back and you'll see that. It was also YOUR rampant paranoia that began the degeneration.

> One thing you'd better remember -

Uh, oh.

> In dealing with me, you're only risking legal action being
> taken. Not everyone will limit themselves to just taking
> legal action, however, and they won't be as kind as to warn
> you what they have in mind. You stay with the attitude you
> have, Matt, and you could easilly end up on the
> six o'clock news.

Thanks for the warning, schmuck.

> You're going to get yourself in a mess of trouble if
> you cross the wrong person, and then you'll wish, for a
> second or two,
> that you'd lived and treated people differently.

Pffft. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I filet you over e-mail and now I'm finding myself attacked on the streets for my actions? You stupid, stupid man. I treat people the way they treat me. What a surprise that I treat you poorly, since you've afforded me so much decency.

> Just fair warning. And considering the way you've acted toward me, I
> dare say it's far more than you deserve. I could have said
> nothing, and left you to whatever.

Yeah, you COULD have said nothing and realized that the person who signed off as Hakavon in that one e-mail a) meant no malice by it and b) isn't me. But... fuck it. I'm too tired of trying to point out your idiocy. It's pretty obvious by your bulletin board posts, your ridiculous, veiled insults and your WebTV e-mail address.

> I hope sometime in the NEAR future, you learn, before
> it's too late.

Learn what? That ignorant fucks like you try to threaten me? I already learned that lesson long ago, dipshit.

> Fair warning and advice from someone who could have been
> a friend, but who now will be avoiding you like a leper.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I NEVER wanted you as a friend. You're an idiot. You have been since the first day you posted on the Bulletin Board. You will continue to be an idiot. I laugh at you.

I'm not the only one.

Toodles,
SpaceTime

-----

I received this a few hours later:

-----

From: dibble databu [mailto:hakavonn@webtv.net]
Sent: August 4, 03:04 PM
To: Matt Hutaff
Subject: Figures

It figures you would quote a TV character as part of your tirade, you
foolish child. And you think it's ME people laugh at? Try reading the
board, and you'll get a different view of things. Sure, there are
trouble makers, but they're just that, and you're just one of them. You
show that you have NOTHING of real value to offer, because you taint it
with your rotten, empty, lifeless attitude. The very people who you
think are your friends can't be friends to anyone, because they're just
like YOU.

Real people, that is, real HUMAN BEINGS, don't have the view of life or
the view of others that you have. You're damaged goods, Matt, and so are
your "friends". They only appear to have success because they choose
things they know they can make themselves look good at. Going through
the panorama that life is, over all, they fail, and that's just what's
going to happen to you.

In reality, it already has, and you're clinging desperately to that
failure, as your response proves. You're afraid of life, Matt, real
life, and you want to remain in the dark, viciousness that I guess is
all you were ever taught.

Doesn't sound like much of a life to me, and I'm glad I only
occasionally have brushes with darklings like you. Go away Matt. And
remember what I said I'd do if you make it necessary.

Too bad...
Hakavonn

-----

Keep in mind that I'm derided for paraphrasing (NOT quoting someone, as Hakavonn insists). And yes, it is a television character, but since Ben Stone says more intelligent things as a fictional ADA than Hak and most people I know, I'll thank Rene Balcer for her sharp dialogue and move on.

Remember the above. HAKAVONN INSULTS FOR QUOTING. KEEP THIS IN MIND.

Okay, now, he also says I'm a troublemaker. I'm not claiming that I'm not. I've pulled my fair share of stunts in my day, including the RKWeiss "Joke" in January. I'm the first person to say I'm fallible, to insist otherwise is to insist that I'm God. And while I'm *A* god (according to Darkslider and Bill Murray), I'm not *THE* God.

However, I'd like to think that my benefits have outweighed my detriments. If you need a list of the good stuff I've done, just go visit EARTHPRIME.COM and absorb the Slidery goodness.

Making assertions about my friends, however, is a foolish endeavor. So, because people like me, they aren't real human beings (can you be a fake one? an automaton perhaps?) They're also empty, rotten, lifeless people (I say people sparingly since they can't be real humans). Me and my "Darklings" are people of such ill repute that they'd be better off as some kind of fungi, Hakavonn believes.

So, according to Hakavonn, the following people are beneath contempt by nature and liken to me because of their low, evil ways:

- Blinker
- Darkslider
- JorgeCis
- TemporalFlux
- Yeontoo
- DiezelMickeyDolenz
- Dellyone
- Sabre-Edge
- Slider_Sarah
- Brand_S
- Mychand
- RMScream

As we shall see later on, according to Hakavonn, in his own words, most of these people are the biggest troublemakers on the BBoard DESPITE the fact that combined the Darklings and myself pretty much ARE the bulletin board.

He also tells me to go away, something he will repeat to many people in this thread despite having said the following:

"Don't you ever tell me or anyone else on this board ever again what to do or how to do it. "

- Hakavonn (http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/984/18925)
Dear Zhathras and SheScapist...(and ALL) - Farscape Board [3/20/2000]

It was at this point that I took my feud public, in the following posts. You can read them at your leisure as cutting and pasting would only lengthen an already epic-length post.

http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/22519
An Open Letter to Hakavonn
I basically change "Matt" to "Hak" from one of his e-mails

http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/22524
New email address
I say I've changed my e-mail address to "hakavonn@laymeduck.com"

http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/22527
The Darklings [fiction]
My thinly veiled fan fiction - hey, I'm like Tigs!

http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/22583
New HAKAVONN project - SLIDERS(OH YEAH!)
Yes, I'm PopTart54321... DUH

http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/22611
The Compleat Hakavonn... on Monday!
Announcing this tome

http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/22627
DellyOne and Capaqu? You made a point
Hakavonn continues a glorious tradition of making a new thread out of a reply

Original URL http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/1729/8
Nominated by Joey_Starr