Darkslider - pre-op transsexual?

Date: 3/23/2000
From: SpaceTime

Few people know the real Darkslider.

Most people wonder at the wit he has when he calls upon the variety of backwater, retarded television shows that only a devoted fan of "Mama's Family" would know about.

Just how is it that Darkslider knows so much about such bad television? What most people to realize is Darkslider's obesity. By obese, I'm talking Jerry Springer immobility levels of fat. Yes, DS has a washin' stick. And boils. And twelve breasts.

DS sees the Internet as a way to vent the frustration of being so large in addition to his massive craving for sheep, Twizzlers and the kid who played "Chunk" in the movie "The Goonies." He bought a magic dialing wand much like Homer had when he ballooned up to 260 pounds, which incidentally is exactly one-eighth of his body weight, so that his fat fingers can type out the gibberish he calls a flame.

Darkslider touches his cat Squiggles the way a normal man would touch a woman.

Goddammit, DS, when are you gonna realize that calling up your mom and asking for a rub down with the washing stick does NOT mean you'll be granted sexual favors. Only you would look for that kind of silver lining.

And speaking of lining, maybe you should start wearing a Depends beneath your Scooby Doo Underoos so that puddle that forms in your pants when someone says "Oprah!" doesn't give you a rash.

A quick note: whoever is feeding you the Ex-Lax like it's Nestle chocolate needs to stop. We've already got a Brownstain on this BBoard.

Keep the porn. It was a gift from your cousin Otis, remember? He specifically said that the sheep segments and the one scene with the llama were directed for you by great-uncle Vern. I don't even remember how I got it; I tried to look at the box one day and you just about passed out, and that was during your General Hospital. And we all know you don't miss GH for ANYTHING.

By the way, keep that anatomically correct goat doll away from me. I don't care if it's mouth can crush an aluminum can.

Few people know the real Darkslider.

Darkslider is the product of an unholy union between a Kleenex and the floor of an Akron, Ohio titty bar. Despite the odds, demonic and bestial instincts won out and DS was spawned, mostly by a will to consume large quantities of gummi bears and Executive's soiled underwear. Tutored on old episodes of "Sheriff Lobo" and "Gentle Ben" - which, incidentally was the origins of DS' bear fetish, DS went on to star in low budget trisexual porn, most of it involving his incestuous love affair with a tree. It's unknown if this is the genesis of Charlie O'Connell.

In high school, Darkslider carried a mattress to English class and called it his "Special Place." He'd lay in the fetal position, yelling out sporadic insults and kicking himself in the groin until he smiled.

Few people know the real Darkslider.

DS' favorite hobby is reading Spiderman comics, because it's his desire to dress in clashing red and blue and cover men with a gooey, sticky mess.

DS encountered Sliders went he realized that all of his crappy television shows were no longer aired on TNN or during the 700 Club, and that he had to find another show to latch on. He was doubly impressed with Sliders because of Charlie O'Connell's wooden acting. It made him think back to his trisexual porn days.

To Darkslider, a romantic evening consists of a can of Dolly Madison pudding, a roll of duct tape and reruns of "227." If that doesn't work, he takes out a copy of "Army of Darkness" and watches Bruce Campbell until he says, "Gimme some sugar, baby," at which point DS takes out G&H Pure Cane sugar and coats himself completely in sugar, then licks his entire body clean. Let's not even get into the Buddha statue.

"The Golden Girls" is Darkslider's favorite television show. To him, nothing is more exciting than Rue McClannahan talking about sex. Or Betty White. Or Bea Arthur.

Okay, not Bea Arthur. Even DS ain't that twisted.

Darkslider is *my* BITCH. He does my bidding. Sometimes he feels the need to speak out on his own. This is not acceptable. He needs to realize that I own him and that he is my lackey.

Hopefully, this will teach him to obey and to know who is the REAL Poppa.

After all, few people know the real Darkslider.

SpaceTime

You left out the word "fail"

Date: 3/23/2000
From: hakavonn

It seems to fit in the incomplete sentence you include in your 2nd paragraph.

While we're at it, please make sure to share with us many more posts similar to the lovely one above. It certainly made my last-eaten meal sit well with me...

About as nicely as seeing a carnage filled car-wreck.

Please. If you don't want to be friends with this person, don't be, but don't rip them to pieces here on the board with distasteful attacks, inflicting your bile on the rest of us.

I mean, there are OTHERS here on the board who can be just as creative as yourself. Perhaps moreso. Can you imagine what might happen if one of THOSE minds became interested in YOU?

Judgement Call

Date: 3/23/2000
From: RandomJudgement

SpaceTime -

Judgement - You are correct. Applaud yourself. Don't backtrack either.

Original URL http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/18998
Nominated by SpaceTime