The Way It Wuz, The Musical: Act I
Date: 11/04/1999
From:
Blinker
(It's the TWIW you’ve all been waiting for. With apologies to Lexx 2.18, and a major Sap Alert warning, here goes...)
TWIW, THE MUSICAL
=====
ACT I: THE WAY IT WUZ
With a clap of thunder and a fluttering of light, the gateway forced itself open. Diana was the first out, followed by Wade, Colin and Mallory. Last to emerge were Quinn, Maggie, Rembrandt and the Professor.
This last took time out from massaging his sprained ankle to comment on their surroundings: a raised platform surrounded by a massive auditorium. “A bit dusty,” he remarked. “Actually, it seems to be some sort of... run-down theatre.”
“Hey, we’re not, like, run-*down*, exactly,” came a familiar voice from the shadows. “Just...” A snap of the fingers. “Kinda ‘unassuming.’ Still, you dudes oughta do nicely...”
As if summoned by magic, lights snapped on in sequence around the perimeter of the stage area. The band of eight were now afforded a clear view of their host.
Arturo squinted. “*Bennish*?”
“So, you guys ready for the show or what?” he beamed.
Rembrandt looked skeptical. “How much time, Q-Ball?”
“Thirty minutes and change.”
The Cryin’ Man glanced back. “I’m not sure we’ll be stayin’ long enough to take in any kinda show.”
The Master of Ceremonies shook his tangled locks. “No, dude, you ARE the show. You guys get to act out the greatest story of all time!”
“And that would be?” Maggie stood with arms crossed.
“Like... ‘The Way It Wuz.’” Bennish whispered the phrase with something bordering on reverence. At precisely that moment, a ghostly piano began to tinkle from somewhere offstage.
Each Slider abruptly felt a bit queasy, as though something within them was struggling to escape its bonds. One by one, they burst into song... and within seconds, were precisely matching each other’s tune, pitch and lyrics.
***
- ALL -
We have not flamed in countless years,
We have no need too-oo cry...
Our show is safe fro-om FOX’s hands,
We need not fear Sci-Fi.
RealSlider lurks, Exec’s a jerk,
But spam is only ah-a word...
The joy of seeing ne-ew eps at last
Obscures that they’re all turds.
The story games, the songs and skits,
Help make this the be-est board on Earth...
And then o-of course, was the war we fought
Over hats seen in Net Worth.
We share fanfic, and ep reviews,
We’ll stay friends for a-all time...
But we must e-e-ensure, that we not split up...
Or the board will surely die.
***
The spell broken, Mallory was the first to speak. “What *was* that?”
Bennish was occupying the sole chair in the audience area, and absently chewing a fingernail. “Like, the music, dude. Just go with it; it’s dreamy.”
“I think we deserve some explanation of what we’re singing about,” the professor pressed. “For one thing, who or what is the ‘real slider?’”
Bennish shifted to an even more comfortable position. “See, this is about a bunch of people who watch you guys, right? They call themselves ‘the Board.’ And, like, they all have these little fake names.” The hippie shrugged. “Some more than others.”
Wade nodded, less out of understanding than to urge him on. “And?”
“You’ll see. It’s a real doozy. Anyway, babe, you’re up.”
Wade felt the music welling up again. This time, it was a deceptively upbeat little number...
***
- WADE -
I have come here, to tell you
That we must go away;
Spaz was flamed, by Grim_Reaper
So we cannot stay;
- WOMEN -
We may not return, but we hope you know
You can come with us,
Now we must go...
- WADE -
I have come here, to tell you,
That we must leave today...
- QUINN -
If you, must leave us
Then I guess that you don’t care...
You can leave, if you feel the need
But we won’t follow you there...
- MEN -
For if we leave too,
All our board is gone,
It may never see
Another dawn;
I am sorry, to tell you,
That we have to stay...
- WADE -
If only, I could make them see
That things aren’t as they were...
- QUINN -
If only, I could make her see
That we still care for her...
Don’t turn your back,
Stay here with me
We can save this board,
From its destiny...
- MEN -
Or say goodbye,
Don’t tell us why...
For we no longer care.
- ALL -
So I say fare, we-e-e-e-ll,
To
Yoooooouuuu.
***
Wade swallowed and looked up. “Okay... so what was that one for?”
Bennish nodded. “Well, this board place used to be like Heaven on Earth. A couple times, people tried to leave 'causa fighting... TM, Mychand, SL4ever... but they always came back sooner or later. It was like... better than *pot*, dude.”
The eight conscripted performers waited patiently.
“Uh, yeah. Anyway, then the ladies started up their own board so they could drool over Jerry, away from the one or two people who actually complained about that kinda stuff. Thing is, when they figured out *no-one* ever flamed ‘em there, they didn't come back. So you know what happened to the wide-open original board, with half its defenders in hiding? With, with half as much fiction, and humour, and all-around love?”
Colin voiced what, coming from him, was a thought. “Uhhhhh... it went downhill?”
Bennish nodded vigourously. “Primo death spiral, man.”
Without warning, the Sliders’ feet took them in two separate directions. Wade, Maggie and Diana staked out the left side of the stage, while Quinn, Remmy, Mallory and Arturo took to the right. The ever-confused Colin followed the three women.
[NOTE: From this point on, all stage directions marked 'women' include Colin]
***
- QUINN -
Dull, dull, dull,
Your board is far too dull.
- ARTURO -
Your fanfic is all sterling, but
Hardly sees light, of day...
What kind of a board is that
When you keep it tucked away?
- REMMY -
You’ve become pathetic shadows
Of what once, we were...
What kind of a board is that
Just you, you, him and her?
- MALLORY -
You stay inside and shake with fear,
Lest some nasty flame come near...
- MEN -
Dead, dead, dead,
We’ll take the chance in-
Stead.
- DIANA -
Men, men, men,
We’ll say it once again...
You fight all day and know not,
What love is all, about...
You’re savages of the rankest kind
We don’t need that kind of lout.
- WADE -
Though you can join if you give up
All hope of Sli, ders talk...
In favour of man-bashing
And fawning over JOC.
- MAGGIE -
You will not ask for directions,
You only think of erec-
- WADE -
*Sshhhh!*
- WOMEN -
Men, men, men,
We do not trust you
Men.
[On the final, pointed note, the men and women turn their backs on each other]
***
As the tune ground to a halt, Rembrandt found himself nodding. “I get it. They all sorta drifted apart, right? Along gender lines.”
“Yeah, by and large,” Bennish concurred. “A buncha men followed the women, but that still left a lotta good people behind. People like Tf, QBall, Chaser, Info, Hunter, SpaceTime, Brand_S, VD, Jersey, Charmed, lastslider, Bridger, Klly, Le_Monde, SadFan, v62, 409... Heck, I could go on for hours. All the dudes and dudettes who just didn’t fit into the other board’s mould.”
“So... what happened?”
Their director folded his hands meaningfully...
***
- QUINN [arm outstretched to soliloquize] -
As I am
A Sliders fan,
[glare at women] And as *they* could tell you, just a man,
I wonder, where I could,
Learn more.
To go, beyond this board’s front page
To re, surrect the Golden Age
Go beyoooond,
- WOMEN -
(Go beyoooond,) Dear you are, so young and green
(To exploooore...) You do not see, what we have seen
The flamers are, too many
To ignore...
So stay, here on this board’s front page
Forget, about the Golden Age
Stay behiiiind,
- QUINN -
(Stay behiiiind,) I do not mean you, disrespect
(Do not goooo...) But your board is not, what I expect
I still call you, my friends but I want,
More.
To go, beyond these sexist walls
Beyoooond, these JOC-adoring halls
Go beyoooond,
Go beyoooond,
Go beyoooooooooooooooond...
I
Want
Mo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ore...
***
As the last strains faded away, Diana raised one stately eyebrow. “So... what did he find?”
A glum Bennish replied: “Not much.”
- - - - - - - - - -
Acts II and III will be posted tomorrow and Saturday. Kindly refrain from flaming me to a toasty crisp until then...
- Blinker 7:'-|
http://welcome.to/gate_haven
Original URL http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/2326/14422
Nominated by Blinker
