TWIWTA ... Special Ep!

Date: 07/10/2000
From: SL4ever

SL4: Hello again everybody! I’m your fabulous host, SL4ever! And this is The Way it Wuz Talked About! Since we were off last week, this is a special recap ep covering all the days we can’t do in more detail. Specifically 6-27 through 7-7. This will be followed tomorrow by the ep covering 7-8 through 7-10. Confused? If so, you’re TIP. I’m sure the rest of your understand! But before all that, these messages! Speaking of the commercials, this special ep is sponsored completely by the bboard, so all commercials will be bboard related.

“Has this ever happened to you?

Poster: Jesus God! <picks up computer and tosses it out window. Crashing sound followed by bloodcurdling scream heard 17 floors below.>

Spouse: What happened? Why did you do that?

Poster: This is so frustrating! I couldn’t remember my password for Butt_Boy.

Spouse: Maybe that’s because you have 50 handles! And you refuse to write any of them or your passwords down.

Poster: WHAT??? WRITE MY HANDLES OR PASSWORDS DOWN? ARE YOU A BLISTERING IDIOT???

Spouse: That had better be a Sliders reference, bucko.

<knock on the door> This is the police! We have a report you’re throwing geek tools out your window!

Are you finding it difficult to keep track of all your identities? Do you have more passwords to remember than the head of the CIA? Maybe it’s time for you to get the Board Secretary™!! It is the ONLY way to keep track of all your handles and passwords! All you have to do is fill in the handle, password, degree of and purpose of use, personality profile for each, and flaming probabilities and the Board Secretary™ will do the rest! After you click ‘reply’ the Board Secretary™ will assess the likeliest handle you’d ordinarily use in that situation and fill in the form for you! It will even fill in your 10 most common replies for each post type!

Already used and loved by dozens of posters who collectively control hundreds of handles!

Executive: My favorite feature is the spell check so I don’t snitch myself out anymore!

Blinker: A must have for the busy board comedian!

Tigs: Board Secretary™ is the greatest thing since chalkboards!

Real_Slider: A real_real time saver cuz of my hundreds of handles! Btw, this wasn’t by design, it was because every time I forgot my handle or password I had to create a new handle! Now, with Board Secretary™, all I have to try to remember in my life is which knob is the hot water and which is the cold in my shower!

Buy Board Secretary™ now and save 17 valuable seconds a day! Only $299999.95 a month!”

SL4: We’re back, and let’s meet our panel. First, making a return visit, Jerry O’Connell!

JOC: Robert Floyd was mildly amusing last time, but the real Quinn is here now!

Crowd: Do you mean the season 1-2 Quinn, or the season 3 action geek, or the season 4 bland automaton?

SL4: Next up, his costar for the first three seasons, Sabrina Lloyd!!

SL: I never locked myself in my trailer, Kari is a lying >:-# !!!!

Crowd: WOO HOO!!!!

SL4: Um, she didn’t say that when she was here.

SL: Oh. Well, drop the lying part then. :-P

SL4: Next up, he played Kolitar in several hideous seaosn four eps, Reiner Schone!!

Crowd: Yes! Scowl for us, buddy!

RS: Grrrrrrrr.

Crowd: YES!!!!

SL4: And finally, the third winner of our random post contest, Slider75!!!

S75: Cheerio.

Crowd: Woo Hoo!

SL4: Okay. Jerry, you get first dibs. What stood out in your mind while we were off?

JOC: I liked the FunnyManJake post. That was very amusing. Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck. Charlie growing outta my leg. Hyuck.

RS: Btw, since we’re on the subject, I have two questions about Punkypower. What kind of drugs is she or he on, and WHERE can I get some???? LOL!

SL4: There’s nothing wrong with being happy. The funniest thing about that post was the person who mentioned that Charlie is the older brother by three years and added, “check your facts.”

SL: No way! Someone said “check your facts?” LOL!

JOC: Dude is talking about Charlie growing out of my f-ing LEG and the most unrealistic part about that is that Charlie is older than me??? LOL!!!!

SL4 <dries eyes> : Tee hee. So RS, what say you?

RS: I loved Southern Slider’s grit post. The replies were especially amusing.

Southern Slider <standing up from audience> : If ONE more person forgets that it is plural, there is going to be a scene of unimaginable violence!

RS: I didn’t “forget.” I did that on purpose.

SS: Oh. <sits down>

SL: Well, I liked Tigs’ second installment of her Inn fan ficcie.

SL4: I liked that too. Hopefully we’ll see some more soon.

SL: You have the nerve!

SL4 <innocently> : What?

S75: That reminds me, how is Slide Wars coming along?

SL4: Whoa! Look at the time! Commercial time! We’ll be right back.

JOC <as scene fades> : Remember the time he bitched for two months about the Story Game and then when it was his turn it took him an F-ing week to post his segment?

“Coming to a theater near you!

BBoard The Movie!

[little effort was spent getting stars names spelled right. But you should know who I mean!]

Starring....

Matthew Broderick as TemporalFlux!

Timmy “the tuft” Longneck as Blinker!

Sarah Jessica Parker as MTwain!

Kevin Pollock as Qball79!

Jeanane Garofalo as StokerChick!

Samuel L. Jackson as Hurrikain!

Mena Suvari as Slider_Sarah!

Troy Aikman as Slider75!

Carrot Top as Executive!

Patrick Stewart as HunterD_Raven!

Kevin Spacey as Brand_S!

Tim Roth as Darkslider!

Cool Dude (not the wanker or his hilarious buddy) from Sliding Doors as BritSlider!

Robert Floyd as Jerry O’Connell in the “Towel Segment”!

And Winky the Klown as SL4ever!

This thrilling, action packed, dramedy is coming to a theater near you! Look for a trailer in a future TWIWTA ep!”

SL4: And we’re back. Slider75 what sticks out in your mind?

S75: First, let me say that I was incredibly offended by that commercial. Troy smegging Aikman?

SL4: The producers tried to sign Walter Matthau but he had a previous commitment.

S75: Oh. Anyway-.

JOC: Speaking of that commercial, Robert couldn’t wipe my brow between takes! Why didn’t they ask me? Look at my body of work! I’ll obviously take any movie offer! Plus, Body Shots 2: The Electric Boogeloo doesn’t start shooting until December.

SL4: I think that says it all.

S75: If I may, one post I liked was Timer54321’s question about what would have happened if Rickman had shot Quinn instead of Arturo.

SL4: I liked your answer to that one. Personally, I’m one of those who loves the entire show but who is in denial about the last two seasons. I prefer to think of them as happening in an alternate reality. Those things did not happen to OUR Sliders.

SL: Boy, you ARE in denial! It happened! I’m just a head bobbing around in a 55 gallon drum. The real Arturo got his brains sucked out by the lamest bad guy since David Bowie and Mick Jagger tried their hands at “acting.” Remmy is God knows where. Maggie changes personalities as often as Wade used to change clothes. Colin is scatterboy. And Quinn was mind melded to an overacting Godzilla alumnus! It all happened!

SL4: No! Sliders fans have managed to stick with the show throughout by not dealing with reality, I’m not going to start now. Lemme show you how it’s done! <snaps fingers>

S75: If I may, one post I liked was Timer54321’s question about what would have happened if Rickman had shot Quinn instead of Arturo.

SL4: I liked your answer to that one. Personally, I’m one of those who loves the entire show but who is in denial about the last two seasons. I prefer to think of them as happening in an alternate reality. Those things did not happen to OUR Sliders.

SL: I agree.

JOC: So do I!

S75: Yep.

RS: And baby makes four!

SL4: :-D Moving on, there were hundreds of posts while we were gone, so we obviously don’t have time to brush on them all-

SL: You didn’t have time to read them all, did you?

SL4 <holds up fingers> : Don’t make me use these again. So we obviously do not have time to touch on them all, so I’d like to talk now about some themes that have been prevalent on the board over the past week or so. First, people leaving. Mychand doesn’t see a problem with it, Blinker seems to represent the other side, whatever the opposite point of view is.

JOC: Did you do ANY research for this ep? Anyway, I don’t see a problem with it, unless they are JOC fans. If they’re JOC bashers then I say ‘don’t let the squeaky gate hit ya in the ass on the way out!’

RS: I think people should be free to come and go as they wish.

Executive <from audience> : Just don’t announce it either way, you drama queens! Who gives a fat flying rat’s *(&%&^*&@^#*&%*&#$^*&)%&%)?!?!?!?!?!?

SL4: Security, have that man flogged in the bathroom and then returned with a gag!

SL: The point is, though, that this board is a living community. The emphasis has changed since the series is over, but the passion for the show itself is still alive!

SL4: I agree. Look at Star Trek. It lasted only three seasons and was far lamer than Sliders simply because it was so low budget and campy. But the writing was just as original and the actors’ chemistry was just as powerful. It took over a decade for the passionate fans to cajole a movie into being, and almost another decade before another series existed. But the only way those things happened was that the community kept itself alive and noticeable, through fan fiction, through conventions, through endless letter writing campaigns. The Sliders community has to keep itself alive and together in the meantime, that’s all.

JOC: What are you now, a politician? I’m falling asleep over here.

RS: Would you rather we do some more Jerry bashing?

JOC: Um, you were saying, SL4?

SL: I think a bboard “virtual convention” is a wonderful idea! There could be exhibits, food parties, trading, food sampling, skits, food exchanges, you name it! Plus, the anniversary of the first airing of Genesis is coming up.

JOC: Board members are worse than cats. You can’t get more than three cats to do anything at the same time. Same with board members!

RS: Then explain the success or the Flame Tourney? That requires quite a bit of cooperation.

JOC: Oh look! Commercial time, SL4!

SL4: Quit stealing my lines. We’ll be right back!

“<sound of knocking on the door> Junior?

Junior: Just a minute Mom!

Mom <opening door> : It’s time for the funeral –

Junior is at his computer. A enormous amount of books (with titles like Arcane References and Insults, Rogets Super Duper Thesaurus, 40 years of Mad Magazine Insults, 2000 Stupid Jokes, How to Hurt Feelings and Lose Friends, 15 Years of Internet Flaming, Be a Pseudo-Intellectual Without Sounding Like One in 10 Easy Steps!, Dennis Miller’s 5,000 Best References) were piled around him haphazardly. He was typing furiously, his fingers flying over the protesting keyboard. One leg was propped up on the desk to give him extra typing leverage. “Oh you >:-# >:-#-er! I got you now, you smegging bastard!”

Mom: Junior! Watch your F-ing language! Now get dressed! The funeral is in 45 minutes!

Junior: Godsmack it, Mom! This round of the tourney is today! I’m gonna lose if I stray from the computer!

Mom: You should have thought of that before you pushed your sister down the stairs. Now come ON!

Junior <clicking the post button> : Okay! Well, she shouldn’t have snatched my Harry Potter book before I was done!

How often has this happened to you? Annoying, isn’t it? Well, now you won’t have to sweat all 24 hours of the Flame Tourney! For those of you who have lives and actually have something called a JOB, you need help!

We’re The BBoard Assassins!! Too tired after a long hot day to flame the smegging bastard who insulted your post while you were gone? Send us the link and your credit card number and we’ll nuke them back to the stone age! Did someone imitate your handle and is a consistent annoyance and you’re tired of vain flames? Let us know and our crack team of bitter teenagers and mental patients with internet access will make their board lives a living hell! Don’t want anyone to know you’re less than the kind and sweet poster? Sic us on the person who pissed you off and they’ll be traumatized for life within a week or double your money not back and no one will ever know it was you who hired us!!

And now, we have a special Flame Tourney division to take up the slack while you’re busy during the big day! Call The BBoard Assassins now! You won’t regret it, but someone sure as >:-# will! :-D

Now with three price rates! Five Alarm Flaming, Extra Crispy, and new Three Mile Island flaming!”

SL4: We’re back. Speaking of the Flame Tourney, that is another recent theme. What are your thoughts?

SL: I have to admit that when I first heard of it, I thought that it was never going to fly. Or that it would be lame, or that people would take it personally.

SL4: Me too, which is why I didn’t sign up. I am a flaming GOD, but I didn’t think it could be contained without fallout. And I’m not here to bruise any feelings. Anything I ever say about people is purely in jest. Nothing is ever intended to hurt feelings or ridicule.

JOC: Really? <jumps up and runs over with arms open for a hug>

SL4: Get the smeg away from me! Except for you, I meant!

JOC: Oh. <returns to seat>

TIP: Really? <running in from backstage, followed by a freshly spanked Executive and Real_Real_Stupid>

SL4: And you three mendicants! Peckinballs and Damron! You two can go ahead and stay seated too! Sheesh.

RS: I’m not so sure this Flame Tourney is a good thing. It is verbal cock fighting. And it’s hard to see how everyone can not hold it against the ones who hit them the worst.

S75: It’s all done with the understanding that it is a simulation. Do you ever get mad at someone you spar with in a ring? Come on!

RS: They still haven’t found the body of the last sparring partner I had, that cheap shot taking >:-#-er!!!

S75: Oh.

JOC: Besides, if someone was really evil it is possible to cheat at this. Flame as normal during the day with the 3-4 flame posts everyone seems to be able to get in. Then, secretly write out another 2-3 replies. The first, your most wicked flames and comments you’ve saved all day. The most viscous comments you can think up. Then write another reply saying “what’s the matter? Did I wound you too deeply? Aw, come on, I wanted a reply to THAT one but WHERE ARE YOU?” Then the third could say “Damn, I guess I scared you away. Oh well, it was still a good flame war and before you scurried off I was enjoying myself.” Then, 5 minutes before midnight EST, post all three. They will all have that day’s date, but there is no way your opponent could formulate a reply in the time before midnight, he or she would most likely think you’d given up for the day and wouldn’t even be hanging around. Then, the next morning, it would look like you’d had the last several hours to yourself and your opponent had given up. No one would be the wiser, and it would give you enough ooomph to win over the judges in a close decision. Your opponents protests would sound like loser-bleating. There would be no proof of your duplicity.

<Studio wide silence>

SL4: I hate to admit this, but there is a certain cunning to that. Why didn’t YOU enter the tourney?

JOC: Too many weaknesses. They’ve got me on siblings, season four acting, my movie choices, my comments about women, my contradicting myself within the same interviews. Etc. Nah, I’d rather watch and giggle as the contestants rip each other apart like starving lions.

RS: Anyway, is this what we want the stars of Sliders to see if they ever browse our board? Flame Tourneys?

SL: Give me a break. No f-ing star of Sliders is browsing our board!

S75: Oh really? <eyes Sabrina Lloyd, Jerry O’Connell, and Reiner Schone meaningfully>

SL <blushing> : Um, commercial time?

SL4: Sorry, we’ve had three.

JOC: I’d like to see more fan interaction. Like after the tourney is over, some special exhibitions. People voting for the matchups they’d like to see, and then people voting for the winner after it is over.

RS: Great, so eel_slider AKA Sir-Handles-A-Lot can determine the winner?

JOC: Well, we could have a month or two month minimum seniority before you’re allowed to vote to prevent bungee voting.

SL4: Jesus God, this has turned into lobbying for board changes! The board and everything on it is going fine as it is. There’s no need to change anything.

JOC: Just trying to be amusing.

SL: Leave the jokes to professionals before you hurt yourself. Besides, it’s easy to throw out ideas under the guise of a joke so if no one likes it you can always claim you’re joking!

JOC <glances at SL4ever> : What are you trying to say?

SL4: Oh, gee, look at the time! This has been a sloppy, hideous recap of 0.5% of all the posts that were made while we were away. Tune in next time when we’ll take a more detailed look at 7-8 through 7-10! Bennish, JRD, a behind the scenes bigshot, and whoever is the third different person to reply to this post will be our guests! But, as always, the real stars are the posts! Goodnight everybody!

“The Way it Wuz Talked About is brought to you by Slide Meat, the preferred meat of bboard posters! By Atomic Clocks, now you can be assured of getting the first post of the day! And by Slappy the Adult Clown, let Slappy turn your nose fat and red!!”

“Who gives a fat flying rat’s *(&%&^*&@^#*&%*&#$^*&)%&%)?!?!?!?!?!?”

Original URL http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/2326/22013
Nominated by Blinker