TWIWTA (3.3)

Date: 12/20/2001
From: SL4ever

Roberta chuckled lightly. "There's not much to do out here except get very introspective. You get used to it after a while." The two of them looked on, Quinn not wanting to break the silence that now pervaded. "You look tired. You should get some sleep."

"Yeah, I guess I better go find the tent Remmy's in. He's probably already taken the comfortable cot, too," Quinn mock groused.

Roberta stopped him with her hand. "My dear boy, why would you want to sleep there?"

“Bet!” Quinn said, ripping his clothes off with one smooth motion. He’d preoiled his body just in case someone wanted to get freaky. He was a boy scout to the end.

Roberta let her eyes run up and down his glistening oiled body. “Moist excellent.” She purred, opening a drawer. She removed something and strapped it on.

“What in God’s name are you doing???” Quinn asked, horrified.

Roberta grinned maniacally. “You didn’t think a general would be on the bottom, did you? Come here, >:-#!”



The Way it Wuz ... Talked About!

SL4: Hello again everybody! I’m your fabulous host, SL4ever! Welcome to our third season of TWIWTA! We’ve been in reruns for a week or two but we’re back and ready to get the show started! The next couple shows are going to be a little different. We’re going to focus on board fan fic! Right after these messages, of course.


“Woman: There is too much to do and not enough time to do it! Buying gifts, wrapping them, working overtime to pay for it all, throttling annoying family members ... how can I fit it all in?

<Magical popping sound.> Elf: What you need are CRAZEE ELVES! We’re CRAZEE but we work for stomach lint! It doesn’t get any cheaper than THAT!

Woman: Stomach lint?

Elf: Oh yeah! <fires up a stomach lint joint> Can’t get enough of it baby. Anyway, we’ll shop for gifts, wrap them, babysit your monsters, clean the house, cook the Christmas meal, anything you need! If you’re an ‘innie” then you’re in business! :-P

Woman: So when or where does the CRAZEE part kick in?

Elf: Do you have any goldfish?

Woman: Nope.

Elf: Then you have nothing to worry about.

Announcer: Never be stressed out during the holiday season again! Call CRAZEE elves today and we’ll throw in a MAD Minx absolutely free!!!”


SL4: We’re back, and let’s meet our panel. Our first guest is Sliders writer Robert Masello.

Crowd: Ah, the illogical moron of the panel. Have to have one of those!

SL4: Our next guest is the one, the only, Tracy Torme!!!

Crowd: Tell us again, what the >:-# is up with you and that horrid Howard Stern?

SL4: And finally, the hottest thing to ever grace Sliders, Sabrina Lloyd!

SL: Don’t start that debate again!

Crowd: Mmmmm. :-P

SL4: Okay, the first fan fiction we’ll talk about is ThomasMalthus’ “Desert Sands.”

RM: Ooooo, I love “Mad Max” ripoffs.

SL4: Did you even READ the stories we sent you?

RM: I can learn all I need to know about a fan fiction from the title. For instance, from this one I learned that there is sand in the desert.

SL4: Robert?

RM: Yes?

SL4: Shut up.

TT: Well. I loved this story. It harkens back to the best episodes of the series. For instance, we meet the Sliders as they emerge from the vortex, complain about the landing, and briefly discuss the previous world. Classic Sliders. Thomas really captures the characters as well. With some fan fics you feel like all the characters are speaking with the same mouth or they merely use catch phrases developed from the series such as “Blistering Idiot!” Thomas goes beyond that while still keeping them all within their characters.

SL: I liked how complicated the story was. A lot of fan fics will have one plot and one opposing force. Which is fine because the thing to remember is that fan fics are written purely for the fun of it. So if that’s all a person wants to put in it, that’s cool. But with so much competition for the few fans who read fan fics, I prefer the ones who stand out and are more involved. And this one has three different factions, with several subplots and even character development!

SL4: I really admire TM’s vision. I can’t plot out entire seasons like he and a lot of other fan fic writers do. I’m strictly a stand alone story writer. Occasionally I can manage a loose sequel, but mostly it’s once and done for me. As he says in one of his personal asides, this is his 11th story! His consistent production is amazing.

RM: I was more amazed by the grave robbing scene. Quinn and Remmy murder this poor sucker and TAKE his ole timey car! Which is another thing, I thought Sliding wasn’t time travel!

TM <standing up in the crowd> : It’s not, mendicant! This from the pond scum brain who had six Hells Angel wannabes taking over the ENTIRE WORLD!

Blinker: Ask him about how anyone is supposed to retrieve the Great Work from that glorified dinosaur turd. HEE HEE.

TT: Getting back to the story, I don’t want to give away the ending in case we inspire anyone to go back and read this story, but I will say that the ending was slimy yet satisfying. The last scene between Anderson and Wing was great, especially in light of what Arturo says about Wing on the next page.

SL: My favorite character was Roberta. She is smart, strong, and brave without being put on a pedestal. It’s a simple moment but I love where she snaps "What?!" to Quinn. I’ve wanted to say that to him a couple times myself! But I like that and other little moments because that doesn’t make her Polly Perfect. On the other hand, she is not a cardboard bitch either. She is a well rounded character.

Quinn <leering from audience> : I’ll say! Ahhhh, the memories. :-D

SL: Don’t make me rustle your hair playfully, boy genius.

<Quinn sits down quickly.>

SL4: After the break we’ll have a scene that is part of my favorite running gag in the story, the Wade is a camp follower excuse. Don’t go away, HurriKain’s Hillslide is coming after these messages.


“Ahem.” Remmy smiled.

Diana smiled back at Remmy. “Thank you… why does it smell like lemons?”

“Long story.”



“Wife: I saw that, you pig.

Husband: What are you talking about?

Wife: You were checking out that HO HO HO over there, and I’m not talking about Santa Claus!

Husband: I looked over there for a second because the movement attracted my eye. I’d have to be a moron to check out another woman while you’re sitting right here!

Wife: Ooooh, I see, so you only check them out when I’m not around?

Husband: I ... um ...

****

Wife#2: So you think she’s hot?

Husband#2: What do you mean? I thought I heard something so I looked over to the side. Big deal.

Wife#2 <looking around> : So whatever is making this noise keeps making it because you’ve looked over there six times in the past ten minutes.

Husband#2: You’re starting to get more paranoid than Al Michaels.

Wife#2: Then why is there a pool of drool in your lap?

Husband#2 <looks down in lap, then pulls out a pistol from his pocket. He places the pistol against his temple.>

****

Announcer: Are you getting sick of your spouse cramping your scoping style? Do you want to let your eyes linger over the hot, slightly moist, supple flesh of your fellow human beings with impunity? Using twoway mirror technology, “Sex Eyes” allow you to indulge your covert voyeuristic tendancies!! Simply program Sex Eyes with the image of your spouse and then place them over your real eyes! Sex Eyes will automatically track your spouse the entire time he or she is in your field of vision. As long as you keep your head in the general direction of your spouse, Sex Eyes will always be pointed right at their suspicious asses! Meanwhile your real eyes can watch the other woman eat her dinner or watch the other man work out across the room! Also good for single people who like to stare without being caught!

Husband#3: ... and then he said “Frank, I don’t know how they did things in Topeka, but here we expect you to keep your shoes on in the office.” At that point, I told him about my toe fungus...

Wife#3 <watching man walk past.> That’s right, squeeze those buns as you walk!

Husband#3: What’s that?

Wife#3: Oh, I said “they shouldn’t squeak about it as long as you don’t walk without shoes.”

Announcer: Call and order Sex Eyes today!!“



Arturo’s frustration showed. “Woman, do you realize that I could merely say the word and you’d be in some wretched tent somewhere with several dozen other frightened young women this army has taken as ‘camp followers’?”

Wade never even flinched. “And do you realize that if you don’t get out of that bed I will physically remove you from it?”


SL4: And we’re back. The scene before the break was from “Hillslide,” and that scene was from “Desert Sands.” LOL, I have a hard time believing Wade could move even one of Arturo’s ARMS, to say nothing of his whole ass.

TT: ROTF. I love that scene, especially since it brought the mental image to mind of all the vertebrae in Wade’s back shattering as she tried to move the Professor.

SL4: Now we’ll take a look at the work in progress HurriKain fan fiction “HillSlide.” HurriKain is a genius when it comes to crossing over Sliders with video games and this story is no exception so far. We’ll look at it again down the road as he produces more of it, but what are your thoughts so far?

TT: Hurrikain is a very different but no less talented fan fiction writer. He has a skewed view of the world and he brings that into his writing. As TM did, Hurrikain introduces the Sliders by having them appear form the vortex and mention briefly their previous adventure. Shades of the series, which is a good thing. And the teaser was set up with perfect atmosphere. It’s never a good thing when you land on a deserted world and hear the flapping of large leather wings! :-O

RM: I’m scared!

SL4: Jesus God, it’s just a story! There are no real pterodactyl/vulture hybrids.

RM: No, what scares me is Mallory being a competent gunslinger! I keep waiting for him to shoot his foot off or something.

SL4: Well, for that matter, an empty restaurant with noone to cook for you is a very scary thing. But keep your idiotic observations to yourself, okay?

SL: I like the fact that Wade made a running appearance through the story. :-P

TT: Was it really her or is Remmy going insane?

SL <mimicking Brittany Murphy> : I’ll never te-ell.

SL4: So far I’m loving the story. I have no clue about the video game, of course, which actually is a good thing because I don’t like to know too much about a story before reading it. This way everything is a surprise and is there to be figured out. If I had played the game I would know what the hell is going on. But when the story is over I might check out the game. If it is anything like the story, and I’ll bet it is, then it is very interesting.

TT: Yeah, I’m definitely looking forward to more of this story. :-P~~~~

SL: Me too! I wanna see if Mallory gets eaten! :-D

RM: I’ll wait for the audio book version. Reading is too hard.

SL4: On that note, It’s time now for our Parting Shots and Tracy fires first.

TT: Thanks. Christmas is upon us so we know what that means. Too many morons with no freaking CLUE what to give someone they’ve known for 45 years! Grab a brain, people! The folks at Disney have plenty they are not using! What I am talking about specifically is gift cards! What kind of low rent, muffin brained, control freak, power play IS this???? You wracked your brain for 15 seconds and came up with no Earthly idea what to give me, so you decide just to give me money. Okay, that’s fine. If you don’t know me or want to know me well enough to figure out what I might like, money is acceptable because it allows me to buy anything in America that is for sale. I can go to Alaska and get a fresh salmon with your money, or I can use your money to pay for gas to get me part of the way down to Florida. Or I can use it any number of ways anywhere in between those two states ... but what is this? You want to dictate where I spend your money? What kind of obnoxious power hungry cooperate tool would demand that I go to a specific store, usually with only one location right outside of Deliverance, NC offering for sale only six items (A “collectable” Hook coffee mug, red reusable napkins, dry ice shaped like teddy bears, Cranberry flavored tea, XFL jerseys, and a Horse Tennis board game). Do these people have stock in these companies or something? So you make me go to some store so hideous I feel like I have to shower as soon as I leave, get something worth more than the gift card value or lose part of that money, and inevitably run across someone I know in the parking lot who is going to a real store next door and who sees me coming out of the horrid store you blackmailed me into entering! Merry >:-#-ing Christmas!

SL4: Interesting you should finish with that phrase. Sabrina, you’re next.

Sabrina Lloyd: Thanks. A couple weeks ago Kari Wuher was on this show and she had some comments about me. Roll the tape!

KW: For years there has been this debate about who is hotter, myself or Sabrina … Sabrina’s career is deader than Elvis sideburns (if she gets canceled one more time she’s going to break Tony Danza’s record) ... She is OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE. And *I* am ten times hotter, richer, and still have an acting career so if you have no chance with her then you have less than zero chance with me.

SL: Now, Kari, allow me to retort. :-P Yes, let’s talk about careers, shall we? Since Sliders was canceled you’ve done “Sand” (4) a movie that no one has ever heard of and that I couldn’t even find at Hollywood Video in the 10 for a dollar bin! You’ve done “Fatal Conflict” (3) a movie that sounds so cheesy and so awful that I’m glad I had never heard of it. You’ve done “Poison” (2) a movie that you were born to star in, judging from its description and the two online reviews I was able to find. And your next movie to come out is “Eight Legged Freaks” which must mean that you play four different characters in the movie. The plot looks more implausible than me running into you at a library and the movie sounds more awful than donut soup. So before you cast stones at my career, how about you take a peek at your disgraceful resume? One more brain dead, Red Dwarf logic defying, sexual exploitation movie and you’ll have gone the way of Cybill Shepherd. Cybill who? Exactly.

SL4: Oucg! Now I wanna get Kari back here for HER retort! :-P Okay, Robert is a moron so he gets no Parting Shot.

RM: Eat me.

SL4: I’ll send Dexibal Lector to your dressing room after the show. Anyway, time for my parting shot. Christmas is in the air so that means we get a bunch of insincere losers wishing us “Merry Christmas!” every time we turn around. The bogus MC shout out ranks right up there with “Have a Nice Day” for the prize of most overused and insincere verbal fart the Western World has produced thus far! These people don’t care if I have a “Merry Christmas.” About six people in the world give a rat’s ass WHAT kind of Christmas I have. That’s fine, I like to fly under the radar anyway, but my point is they don’t care so why parrot it like a mindless drone? Does the noise coming from their mouth cover their creaking knees as they shiver with self loathing? Or do they feel guilty for charging me 50 bucks for a ceramic cat hanging from a ceramic branch that cost them 35 cents and so they wish me merriness? Which brings up my next point. What kind of archaic word is “Merry” anyway??? Other than at this time of year, when do you EVER use the word “merry” ???? “I had a merry ole time down at the cotton gin mine today Martha.” “I drank a fifth of Ripple and had a merry time before I went to bed last night.” "Merry Valentine's day!" Merry is so unused that we don't even use it the next week for New Years Eve! Ever heard someone say "Merry New Year!!" Of course not. Nobody uses that word anymore except for fashion designers and Santa Claus! NO. BOD. EY! So stop wishing me a Merry Christmas! But just in case you were bound up wondering, I AM going to have a fabulous Christmas! I’m a "peel the wrapping paper back and then replace it perfectly" MASTER so I’ve already seen all my gifts so I KNOW I’m going to have a Marry Christmas! So its cool, baby. Relax, stop feeling like you have to fill every second with inane and disingenuous well wishing, and have YOURSELF a Jim Carrey Christmas!

SL4: Two more fan fics next time! We’ll see you then. Look below for more information on the movies Sabrina mentioned.

“The Way it Wuz Talked About is brought to you by Santa Claud! He’s not Santa Claus but you can have him all to yourself Christmas night!! By Rein Beer! Fresh brewed reindeer! Drink the beer that Santa loves! And by Sissy the Adult Clown!! She loves roleplaying! Call today and request her “Attack of the Clowns” routine!


“That’s the second time you did that!”


1) Eight Legged Freaks (2002)
Science Fiction/Fantasy and Suspense/Horror
What do you get when you cross toxic waste with a bunch of exotic spiders? Eaten. As every fan of classic spine-tinglers knows, given the opportunity and the right chemical enhancement, arachnids will grow to humongous size and wreak havoc upon humanity. In EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS, the residents of a rural mining town discover that an unfortunate chemical spill has caused hundreds of little spiders to mutate overnight to the size of SUVs. And they're hungry.
MPAA Rating: Not Rated.
Release Date: August 30, 2002 Nationwide.

2) Poison (2001)
Ann is a lovely young woman who is distraught over the murder of her husband. She believes one woman--a happy and generous housewife--is responsible for her husband's horrible death. Disguising herself, Ann infiltrates the woman's household, intent on bringing her and her family to a violent end. The sexy Kari Wuhrer (ANACONDA, TV's REMOTE CONTROL) stars in this terrifying tale of infiltration and revenge.

Seductive
by: cyberfunk_mizi 09/29/01 04:52 pm
Great movie, very seductive with a very sexy cast. Any guy should love this movie :)

outstanding
by: walmartblows 09/17/01 04:09 pm
This movie was suspenseful and full of hate, revenge, sex, and murder. I recommend this movie mainly though because of Kari. Whoa!

3) Fatal Conflict (2000)
A diabolical brother and sister hatch an evil plan to destroy the City of Angels, Los Angeles, by crashing a spaceship right into the heart of the city. As this day of destruction gets closer, one sexy rebel fighter, played by the beautiful Kari Wuhrer of ANACONDA, becomes the only force that can stop it!

4) Sand (2000)
After the death of his mother, Tyler Briggs (Michael Vartan) tries to escape his violent and dysfunctional family by moving with his girlfriend (Kari Wuhrer) to the coastal town he lived in as a child. Before long, his crazy brothers find him, and brutally express to Tyler just how angry they are that he has broken up the family. A solid cast, lead by Harry Dean Stanton, Denis Leary, Jon Lovitz, and Julie Delpy highlight this tense drama.

Original URL http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/27162
Nominated by Blinker