Legion of Booze - The S Chapter

Date: 4/11/2000
From: Brand_S

Just to avoid the threat of reality, Brand_S hooked himself up to a Scotch intravenous unit when he went to bed. It was just after the day he and the rest of the Legion of Booze engaged in an old fashioned American clone-killin'! Sassy, in the clothes she wore most often (none), stared at him from the other end of the bed.

"S?" she shyly queried. "I know you're going to bed, but are you too tired for S-Lovin?"

"Dude, I'm drunk," S responded, surprisingly with nary a slur in his voice. "I can do anything!"

S never got any sleep that night, but that didn't stop him from jumping for joy when he was lying in bed the next morning without a single sign of hangover. That IV did the trick! He proceeded to take it off. For what he was going to do this morning, he wanted both arms free and the alcohol going down the throat, the way it was meant to.

S went back downstairs. Sassy followed him. Everyone was down there, and S could tell from the smiles on their faces that they kept the alcohol flowing, just like he did. Everyone had a bottle in one (or more) hands, and in a matter of seconds S did too.

"Hey, Champ!" Matt greeted him. "How was your Lovin' last night?"

"Great as usual," S responded. "Looking forward to refueling, restocking, and re-pounding the Glory Boys!" Matt cheered S on when he, Matt, saw S guzzle a bottle of rum like it was bottled water! "Let's be politically correct for today! Here's to a diverse culture!" S put down the now-empty rum and picked up some Japanese sake. He proceeded to pound it like a horny male cat. When S emptied the contents of the bottle into his bloodstream (or rather, vodkastream), he celebrated with a victory belch so loud and so forceful that it attracted a round of applause. He then went back to socializing, now that he had the necessary alcohol to carry on a good conversation. "Hey, Zach, what's the deal? Everyone else is here, but I don't see Tembi down here!"

"Tembi's outta commission for today," darkslider responded, smiling proudly. "After the night we had last night, she's numb from the waist down! Her mouth muscles ain't doin' so well either!"

"Sweet! Hey, I better stock up..." S went and produced a small metal case. He opened it. Inside were five huge syringes. He pulled out each one and filled it with Russian vodka using a nearby bottle. He replaced the syringes and closed the case.

"Um, S, I have a confession to make..." S heard a voice behind him. He turned around to see Sassy standing there.

"Yeah?"

"Um... I've been cheating on you," When Sassy saw the look on S' face, she began to panic. "Wait! It's not what you think!"

S' usual aura of calmness immediately blew like a Beijing girl. "WHAT?!?!?!?! Who the HELL is he?!"

A woman walked up behind Sassy. She smiled and waved. She was a skinny woman who S was sure was in her mid-20s, wearing (and I use that word loosely) a French maid's outfit and speaking with a French accent to go with it. "That would be me, Sophie! Um, after she told me about you, I was thinking, um, we could..."

"Dude!" S said, shocked but calm again. "Why the hell didn't you say so, Sassy?! You two get back upstairs!"

"Okay!"

"Okay!"

"I'll be right up, soon as I get my camcorder and my fix!" S snagged his camcorder from the bar and poured himself a mint julip before he ran back upstairs.

Hours later, the whole Legion of Booze piled into the Sassmobile (sans Tembi, who couldn't get out of bed). At 98 miles per hour, they took it somewhat slow. (That's 158 for you metric-reliant foreigners!) Sarah had informed Space that the Dec-10 Boyz were somewhere in the desert. A few miles into the hottest desert in the immediate area, they looked off to the side and came to an abrupt stop. There were Yeontoo, Sabre_Edge, and JorgeCis, who were practicing shooting up two dolls that were made to resemble Matt and Zach.

"Oh shit, man!" Zach exclaimed. "They made a puppet of me?! Dude, that's way off! These little shits are getting extra bullets for poor craftsmanship!"

The Legion all grabbed a few guns and stepped out of the Sassmobile. S snagged his case too. Matt chuckled with pride when he saw Sassy and Sophie limping. When the Legion got a closer look, they saw that Sabre_Edge was making out with a Cabbage Patch Kid, JorgeCis was bare-ass naked and had a lighter activated a few inches from his ass to light his flatulence, and Yeontoo was setting bottles of whiskey on fire.

"Puppetmaster, what the hell you doin'? You're wasting perfectly good alcohol!" Space yelled indignantly. Brand_S loaded one of his shotguns with the syringes.

"I'll take care of this!" Brand_S grinned, raised his shotgun, and shot a syringe into Yeontoo's arm. He reloaded and fired another one into her stomach. He repeated the process with Sabre_Edge and JorgeCis. "None of those three ever were any good at handling alcohol. They're probably drunk by now!"

Yeontoo suddenly went from burning whiskey to drinking all the remaining bottles. She got up and staggered towards Space. "I love you man!" Yeontoo slurred before she suddenly passed out.

"What do we do with them now?" Vance asked.

"I'll take Angie," Matt said. "You do whatever you want with Sabre and Jorge. Don't kill them, though. I want to make them suffer before I kill them! Now let's load them into the Sassmobile."

S turned back to the Sassmobile. He wasn't really surprised at what he saw. There was QBall43185, clutching the steering wheel and pretending he was driving. He saw S and stepped outside of the vehicle.

"Hey, Brand_S you know what this car's problem is?!"

"No offense, but—" S summarily pulled out his shotgun and fired a real bullet into QBall's head, which exploded immediately. "Never mind. Offense."

The next morning, JorgeCis found himself in bed. He didn't recognize the bed, but it was certainly a lot more comfortable than where he usually slept. He felt a small tug on the covers. He turned around and screamed at what he saw. "AAAAAAAH!!!!"

"Was it good for you?" the Teletubby asked him, grinning that evil little Teletubby grin. Before JorgeCis could stop himself from screaming, the Teletubby climbed right back on top of him.

Sabre_Edge wasn't so lucky.

Sabre_Edge woke up feeling extremely stiff. He tried to open his eyes, but his vision was so blurry that his vision gave him no clue as to what was going on. When he tried to move around, he could barely move anything. What he was wearing felt a lot like rubber. When his vision cleared up, it slowly dawned on him that he was wearing the tightest rubber suit he'd ever worn in his life (which was saying a lot; a few years ago he did a few films he's not so proud of now). He tried to talk but the mask on his face was too tight. He could also feel a variety of foreign objects in his bodily orifices, save for his nostrils. His cleared-up vision also pointed something else out: Sober_Edge, with a VHS tape in his hand.

"Gimp, you're in for a real treat! This is that old lady from Titanic in her own video! It's called 'Gloria Stuart and Household Objects.' Enjoy, brother, and don't even try to escape, you little gimp!"

The rear of his suit opened up too, and Sabre_Edge felt an entirely new foreign object. He screamed. "Enjoying yourself?" He heard a feminine voice say. "Yeah, it's me! Mary Kate Olsen, and yes, I AM a she-male! Now make this quick, Ashley's waiting!"

Downstairs, the Legion listened to the screams of the Glory Boys. "So, Space," S said. "What are you going to do now? Where's Yeontoo anyway?"

"Let's just say Anj is in for a surprise when she comes to, if she ever does," Matt responds. "I know exactly what I'm going to do now. You go get some booze in your belly and take on Sassy and Sophie, champ!"

"Will do! But first, our Exec-bashing is dangerously low! I already got an Exec doll for this!"

S pointed to the corner of the room. A doll, fashioned in Executive's likeness, knelt in one corner, wearing Wonder Woman underoos with his thumb up his ass.

"Nice job, chief! Later!" Matt walked upstairs proudly.

Minutes later, the ground started to shake. The group felt the tectonic plates shift with the all the force of a Star Wars movie (or trilogy, for that matter). Miles away in San Francisco, an earthquake ate up the whole city, killing nearly everyone there. The Legion nonchalantly carried on, drinking booze, having sex, and torturing the Glory Boys.

-=Legion of Booze=-
Not just a legion, but a movement for the right to gratuitous drinking and sex!