David Peckinpah Presents! (Pt 1 of 3)

Date: 09/04/2001
From: Recall317

I say, no longer! What if David Peckinpah had succeeded in getting rid of John Rhys-Davies and Tracy Tormé earlier in Season Three and "The Exodus" appeared in November? Why, that would mean more episodes like "Breeder", "Slither", and "Stoker"! Well, I found the gateway! Basically it involved a lot of alcohol…but I digress.

So without further ado, let's join Action Hero Quinn, MegaBitch Maggie, Hopelessly Lost Rembrandt, and Manic Depressive Wade as they pay homage the S3 way!

Tonight: Sliders vs Iron Chef!

*************************************

"Cooking Iron Sliding Crying Man"

'Tonight is about vengeance," the man declared in Japanese to Ota with grim seriousness. The gentleman was about fifty, Japanese, and all business. He continued," Morimoto was fortunate to have survived his last encounter with my top man. He will not be so lucky this time."

"What do you intend to do differently?" asked the well-attired Ota, a slim Japanese man in his mid-thirties.

"Tonight, I will take care of him myself," he responded, cracking a slight smile. He laughed menacingly and displayed a large carving knife. "Ha Ha Ha!"

A flash of light lit up the corridor where the two men were standing and a misshapen hole appeared before them.

"What the…AAAAAAA!"

Rembrandt Brown careened out of the vortex and flattened the man with the knife. He was followed by his friends Quinn Mallory and Wade Welles—as well as Maggie Beckett.

"Sorry about that, fella," said Rembrandt, crawling off the older man. "I guess I didn't see you there."

But the man did not move. Rembrandt bent down and shook the man's shoulder. "Hey, buddy! You OK?" As he reached under the man's arm to lift him up, Rembrandt felt something warm and wet.

"Kandagawa-san?" asked Ota, kneeling down to inspect him. Quinn and Rembrandt rolled Kandagawa over. Buried in his chest was the carving knife. "Oh my God…" uttered Rembrandt.

"You killed him!" accused Quinn.

Rembrandt smacked him upside the head. "What do you mean I killed him? It's YOUR damn fault I'm even here in the first place!"

"You never let me forget, do you?" fired back Quinn.

"Guys, cool it. It’s not worth fighting over. He's an acceptable casualty," dismissed Maggie.

"How can you say that?" asked a horrified Wade.

"It’s not like we KNEW him or anything," mocked Maggie, adding, "Grow up, Wade."

"This is terrible," said the distraught Ota in English. "The Chairman will be angry…very, very angry."

"Who's the CHAIRman?" sneered Maggie, placing her hands on her hips.

"You will find out," said Ota ominously. "You will all find out. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!"

*****************************************************

What if you found a portal to another dimension?
Where you could pay homage to a thousand different shows?
Where it's the same set, you're the same person, and all the scriptwriters quit
And what if you can't seem to stay canceled?

SLIDERS: The Lost Episodes of Season Three

*****************************************************

Quinn lifted Kandagawa's arm and released it, letting it drop back to the floor with a dull thud. "Yep, definitely dead."

"Maybe we should call an ambulance or something," suggested Wade.

"What for? He's DEAD, Wade, just like that fat old guy you used to hang out with," said Maggie. Wade slowly reached for the knife in Kandagawa's chest…

"Follow me," said Ota. "It is time."

Despite the fact that they knew nothing of this world and that one of them was guilty of involuntary manslaughter, the four numbly followed Ota to whatever impending doom awaited them. As they departed, Wade took one last look at the body of Kandagawa. "Lucky bastard," she sighed.

----

"Five years ago, a man had a dream. A dream of turning the time-honored art of cooking into an over the top spectacle that makes a Randy "Macho Man" Savage Vs Ric "The Nature Boy" Flair wrestling match look tame in comparison. To do this, he constructed an elaborate kitchen stadium and sought out the three greatest chefs in all of New Japan. Then he attired them in silly clothes and dubbed them his Iron Chefs. Today, challengers across the globe, but mostly of Japanese descent, come to Kitchen Stadium to prove their worth. If one should succeed and actually beat an Iron Chef, he will gain the people's ovation. If he fails, he must commit ritual suicide for his shameful performance. The heat will be on!"

So declared Kenji Fukai, the head announcer of Kitchen Stadium, as Ota led the four sliders inside. As they passed the regal red curtains, the bright lights hit them and a cheer went up from the crowd. Rembrandt lapped up every moment of it.

"Looks like another world where I'm a superstar!" he erroneously deduced.

The center of the room was parceled off into two large kitchens. Filling this area were a legion of men and women in chef apparel, all standing at attention. And behind them all, high upon the center stage, was a man that could only be described as the result of an unspeakable ménage à trois among Michael Jackson, Jackie Chan, and Dame Edna. And that went only halfway in explaining the outfit.

"Man, that's gaudy even for me," exclaimed Rembrandt in awe of the man's ruffled collared shirt and long sequined jacket. This was the Chairman.

Chairman Kaga looked at the four quizzically and extended his gloved hand towards them, addressing them in Japanese.

"I think it's time someone revealed a hidden talent that we've never seen before this very moment," suggested Rembrandt. Maggie pulled her bra out of her shirtsleeve and handed it to him. "I mean, does anyone speak Japanese?" he asked.

"Yeah, Maggie. Besides, I've seen that talent before," said Quinn with a wink. Wade punched him in the arm.

"He is asking who you are as he was expecting the challenger Kandagawa," explained Ota. "The Chairman will not condescend to speak the rough tongue of English. He has asked me to serve as translator."

"Just tell him we're passing through and we'll be on our way," said Quinn. Ota translated, causing Kaga to become enraged.

"What did you just say to him?" asked a stunned Quinn.

"I told him you killed Kandagawa and that you think Elton John dresses better than him."

"Why did you do that?!"

"I don't particularly like you," explained Ota.

Kaga issued a proclamation, which Ota translated. "The Chairman has decided that you will take the place of Kandagawa and challenge one of his Iron Chefs to battle. Which one of you will it be?"

"A cooking battle? That's it?" Quinn let out a sigh of relief. "No problem then. Rembrandt here was a cook in the navy. He's our guy."

Rembrandt smiled uneasily, "Yeah…right…in the navy."

Kaga nodded and then pointed to the platform, summoning his Iron Chefs. Rising from beneath the stage were three menacing men…well as menacing as you can look attired in vinyl suits of one color. These were the Iron Chefs, masters of French, Japanese, Chinese, and occasionally Italian cuisine. They stood motionless before them, one clutching a pear, another a piece of cutlery. The man in the middle glowered down on them, his hands on his hips.

Ota turned to Rembrandt, "The Chairman wants you to choose your opponent."

"I pick Maggie," Rembrandt said, pushing her forward.

"The challenger is defying the Chairman," declared announcer Fukai. "He is saying to him, it does not matter who you send forward, I will defeat him!"

"I said no such thing!"

"Morimoto!" snapped Kaga and the Iron Chef in the middle strode forward.

"Aw crud. I should have picked the guy with the fruit," moaned Rembrandt. "Hey, where's the Chiarman going?"

"It is now time to reveal the ingredient," said Ota as the Chairman headed to the platform. "Every meal you prepare must involve the ingredient in some way."

Smoke filled the arena as the ingredient rose up to center stage. With a flourish, Kaga removed the black curtain hiding the ingredient.

"You've got to be [censored] kidding me," said Maggie as she got a gander at what was revealed. In the tank, four creatures were mulling about.

"Giant sea turtles!" exclaimed Kaga in Japanese, before yelling in butchered French, "Allez cuisine!"

The competition was on. Morimoto rushed to the stage and with help from his assistants lifted two turtles out of the tank. Not knowing what else to do, the sliders followed suit.

"Awww…I don't think I could hurt these big guys," said Wade, bending down to pet one. "They're so cute…OW!"

"These are snapping turtles," replied Kaga with a grin as Wade began sobbing uncontrollably.

"I thought you didn't speak English," said Quinn.

"Umm…look over there!" said Kaga, running off as Quinn looked away.

"All right, if we're going to surVIVE this orDEAL, we're going to need a plan," declared Maggie, taking charge. "Rembrandt—you're the lead chef. Quinn, Wade—you're his assistants. You think you can handle kitchen duty, Wade, or is that too hard on your delicate little hands?"

"Bite me," Wade managed through her tears.

"What are you gonna do?" Quinn asked Maggie.

"Scope out the terrain and find an optimal strike place," she said, pulling out her gun. "Just in case we need to win this competition by default."

"I guess we better get started then," said Rembrandt. "First, we need to put down these turtles."

"Geesh, do I have to do everything around here?" exclaimed Maggie. Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Maggie fired four shots, two to each turtle's brain. "Wade, clean-up on aisle two," she said before walking off.

"My life sucks," whimpered Wade as she wiped the turtle goo from her face.

----

Please join us again tomorrow, as David Peckinpah presents the Lost Adventures of Season Three!

Scene from Tomorrow's Installment of "Cooking Iron Sliding Crying Man":

"Maggie, what the hell are you doing?" exclaimed Rembrandt

"Relax, Rem. I saw this on the Food Channel. I'm the Naked Chef!" she declared.

"That's just an expression, NOW PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!" cried out Rembrandt.

R317

ROFLMAO!!

Date: 09/05/2001
From: ThomasMalthus

Hilarious, Recall! Can't wait for the next installment!

ThomasMalthus

ROTFL!!!

Date: 09/05/2001
From: Callie21V

That accelerated four-way argument/guilt trip at the beginning was absolutely dead on. :-D Were the late S3 writers under orders to dredge up those same freakin' issues every week?!

Priceless!

>>> C/21

"I mean, does anyone speak Japanese?"

Bwahahaha!

Date: 09/05/2001
From: DieselMickeyDolenz

It's so funny because it's so true.

DMD

"A cooking battle? That's it?" Quinn let out a sigh of relief. "No problem then. Rembrandt here was a cook in the navy. He's our guy."

Rembrandt smiled uneasily, "Yeah…right…in the navy."

Original URL http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/26663
Nominated by Blinker & DMD