David Peckinpah Presents! (Pt. 2 of 3)

Date: 09/05/2001
From: Recall317

You have no idea how tempted I was to post Part 3 in front of Part 2--the true S3 Way! :)

Incidentally, I mispasted my intro to part 1, so I'm going to repaste it here, followed by Part 2 of "Cooking Iron Sliding Crying Man."

*****

If you're like myself, I'm sure you bemoan the fact that there were only seven post-Exodus episodes to Season Three. I mean, think of all the wasted potential. So many things to rip off, so little time. And I don't know about you, but there's nothing I enjoy more than a good Wade-Maggie catfight. Alas, Season Four lost its way and returned to original concepts and we were left with nothing but fond memories of a T-Rex's head exploding.

I say, no longer! What if David Peckinpah had succeeded in getting rid of John Rhys-Davies and Tracy Tormé earlier in Season Three and "The Exodus" appeared in November? Why, that would mean more episodes like "Breeder", "Slither", and "Stoker"! Well, I found the gateway! Basically it involved a lot of alcohol…but I digress.

So without further ado, let's join Action Hero Quinn, MegaBitch Maggie, Hopelessly Lost Rembrandt, and Manic Depressive Wade as they pay homage the S3 way!

*********************************************

"Cooking Iron Sliding Crying Man": Part Deux!

*********************************************

"As the competition gets underway, let's take a moment to meet our announcing panel," said Fukai. "With us as always from Osaka University is professor of cosmology and ontology and food connoisseur, Maximillian Arturo."

"The pleasure is mine."

"Are you looking forward to today's rare delicacy?"

"I'm looking forward to it medium-well," joked Arturo.

"Ha Ha Ha!"

"Ha Ha Ha!"

"To my left is actress Ikari Uwuhrer. How are you?" asked Fukai.

"What?"

"Are you glad to be here?" prodded the announcer.

"I like food," she grinned vapidly.

"Also with us is Mister Wing, a food critic from the New Kyoto Times."

"Hello."

"Are you excited about today's match?"

"I'm sure it will be nothing short of mind-warping," said Wing, completely unaware of how right he was.

----

"So uh, I guess we should start," said Rembrandt to Quinn. "Yeah…um…well I suppose we could boil some water."

"No sweat, Rembrandt. I'll have you know I hold the world record for boiling water."

"What the devil are you talkin' about, boy? There's no magic speed for boiling water! What gives you the power to change the laws of physics?"

"Rembrandt," said Quinn as he waved the timer in Remmy's face. "Look who you're talking to."

As Quinn started the water, Rembrandt talked aloud. "Now I guess I'll have Wade get the salad going…"

"Done!" declared Quinn as the steam poured out of his pot.

"Well, I'll be damned…" said Rembrandt doing a double take.

"What next, Frying Man?"

"Don't call me Frying Man," bristled Rembrandt. "Why don't you get that turtle meat carved up?"

As this was going on, Wade stood alone, a long sharp knife in her left hand. She held it just a centimeter over her right wrist. "If I slit it right now, would anybody care?" she asked aloud to herself.

"Wade!" cried out Quinn. She turned to him, the tears forming her eyes. "Oh Quinn…" she began.

"I've been looking for that knife! I've got turtles to gut," he said taking the knife from her hand. As he noticed her tears, he asked, "Have you been slicing onions?"

But he didn't wait around for a reply. Wade hung her head.

----

"Arturo-san?" asked lead reporter Ota from the floor of Kitchen Stadium.

"Yes," said Arturo.

"Mr. Brown has promised a meal that, I quote, 'this world has never seen before.' He sure sounds confident."

"He will need all the confidence he can get to compete with the likes of Morimoto."

"Arturo-san?"

"Yes, Ota."

"The Iron Chef says he has chosen truffles to accentuate the texture of this particular dish. Will this give him the edge he seeks?" asked Ota.

"Well, Morimoto has a vast array of weapons, but against an unknown challenger, it is in his interest to pull out all the stops."

"Arturo-san?" interrupted Ota again from the floor.

"Yessss," answered Arturo, growing agitated.

"The challenger is having difficulty opening a package of butter. Will this delay could cost him valuable seconds?"

"I suppose it could," dismissed Arturo. "You know, feel free to just jump in any time, Ota. There's no need to keep addressing me first."

"Very well," replied Ota.

"Good," said Arturo, with a slight sigh of satisfaction.

"Arturo-san?"

Arturo blew his stack. "Stop asking permission to speak! Just ask the blasted question and be done with it, you blithering gnat!"

Maggie, having cased the stadium, quickly grew bored from her assassin's perch. So she climbed down and joined those seated at the announcer's table. "Outta my way, bitch!" she said, knocking Ikari out of her seat.

"We are now joined by a member of the Brown faction," declared Fukai. "How long have you known today's challenger?"

"Gee, hmm, that would require checking the continuity. Let's just say three months and call it even, eh?" Maggie replied.

"Ota reports that Brown appears disorganized. Very little has been cooked and only thirty minutes remain," announced Fukai.

"This is probABly Wade's fault," Maggie overacted. "She's so useLESS. It looks like I'm going to have to save the day again."

Maggie got up and marched toward the kitchen, making sure to kick Ikari in the ribs on the way over.

----

"OK, we've got a green salad with puréed turtle meat for a dressing. How them turtle burgers coming? Rembrandt yelled to Quinn.

"With or without cheese?" asked Quinn.

"With, I guess," said Rembrandt.

"Pickles?"

"Hold the pickles."

"You want fries with that?" asked Quinn. Before Rembrandt could answer, a large gasp was heard from the crowd followed by considerable consternation. His head turned and he instantly saw the problem.

"Maggie, what the hell are you doing?" exclaimed Rembrandt

"Relax, Rem. I saw this on the Food Channel. I'm the Naked Chef!" she declared.

"That's just an expression, NOW PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!" cried out Rembrandt.

Over at the announcer's table, Fukai was appalled. "She has dishonored Kitchen Stadium!"

"Maybe so," said Wing, "but that's a dish I wouldn't mind sampling."

"I know I could stand a second helping," concurred Arturo.

"Arturo-san?"

"Oh, for the love of pork rinds, what is it now? Can't you see I'm ogling?" exclaimed the professor.

"It appears the challenger's distraction has turned against him as his assistant has lost his focus," said Ota.

"Quinn! The burgers are on fire!" shouted Rembrandt to an oblivious Quinn. "The burgers. On fire. Right in front of you."

But Quinn just continued staring at the naked Maggie. He watched her as she slowly dressed herself and slid her jeans on over her long, hard legs. As she pulled her shirt over her firm, supple…uh, where was I again? Oh yeah. The burgers were burning.

Rembrandt sprayed the grill with a fire extinguisher and Quinn snapped out of it. "Gee, I'm sorry, Remmy. I don't know what came over me," he said, wiping the drool from his chin.

"This is a disaster," whined Rembrandt. "I'm never going to pull this off."

"Come on, Rem. I'm sure you faced worse than this in the Navy, " said a fully clothed Maggie, much to the disappointment of males ages 14-29 everywhere.

"Guys, there's something I need to tell you…I was never in the Navy," said Rembrandt as he broke down. "I just made it all up so I'd have something to do this season. I'm no cook either. All I can make is beef stroganoff!"

"It's all right, Rembrandt. We all embellish from time to time to make ourselves look good," said Quinn, his eyes drifting back towards Maggie's chest.

"Thanks, guys. It means a lot to me," said Rembrandt. "So, can either of you cook?"

"Don't look at me," said Maggie. "I let my husband what's-his-name do all the housework."

"I live with my Mom. What do you think?" asked Quinn rhetorically.

"Great, just great. What are we gonna do?" moaned Rembrandt.

"I'll tell you what we're going to do. We're going to win this competition using the skills and talents that have made us the successful sliders we are today," declared Quinn. "And if that doesn't work, we'll use Maggie's plan."

Maggie cocked her gun and smiled.

"All right, guys, let's do this!" yelled Quinn. "Wade, get your head out of the oven and come help us!"

********

Tomorrow on David Peckinpah Presents!, the incredible finale! Be here when Rembrandt says,

"I swear, if you call me Frying Man one more time, sucka, you're going to find a big fat turtle head up your bony, white…"

R317

Recall-san?

Date: 09/05/2001
From: ThomasMalthus

It appears that I am once again ROFLMAO!!! I do not know how this will affect my chances of getting The Charm, Part 4 up by Friday. What do you think?

Is this going to be a regular series or just another brilliant solo shot?

ThomasMalthus

ROFLMLAO

Date: 09/06/2001
From: SweetOne

Poor Wade.

SweetOne

"All men love to appropriate the belongings
of others. It is a universal desire; only the
manner of doing it differs."
Alain Rene Lesage

Maggie's my hero.

Date: 09/06/2001
From: DieselMickeyDolenz

Lovin' every minute of it!

DMD

"Oh, for the love of pork rinds, what is it now? Can't you see I'm ogling?" exclaimed the professor.

Classic

Date: 09/06/2001
From: Callie21V

Manic Depressive Wade is just too @!#$ing funny. When you hit the punch line, I lost it. :-D

>>> C/21

Poor Wade

Date: 09/06/2001
From: The_Seer

You've captured everyone almost too well, especially late season 3 Wade (with a little early season 1 mixed in). This is terrific!

.....

"Wade!" cried out Quinn. She turned to him, the tears forming her eyes. "Oh Quinn…" she began.

"I've been looking for that knife! I've got turtles to gut," he said taking the knife from her hand. As he noticed her tears, he asked, "Have you been slicing onions?"

.....

"All right, guys, let's do this!" yelled Quinn. "Wade, get your head out of the oven and come help us!"

Original URL http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/26669
Nominated by DMD