David
Peckinpah Presents! (Part 3 of 3)
Date: 09/06/2001
From: Recall317
And NOW things get strange... ;)*****************************************
"Cooking Iron Sliding Crying Man": Part Trois!
*****************************************
"One minute remaining," came the announcement over the stadium PA system.
The sliders had used the last twenty minutes to the best of their ability by cooking the themed ingredient of giant sea turtle in any way possible. As Rembrandt looked over the final product, Quinn gave him a few last words of encouragement.
"You did the best job possible considering the implausible circumstances," he said.
"Yeah, but will it be enough to beat the Iron Chef?" Rembrandt asked anxiously, knowing all too well the price of failure.
"Don't worry. They've got a double of the professor on the judge's panel. He'll eat anything!"
At this time, Chairman Kaga re-entered the stadium and sat down at the head of his table, signaling the presentation of the meals.
"This is it," said Rembrandt. "Wish me luck!"
"Go get 'em, Frying Man!" shouted Quinn.
"I swear, if you call me Frying Man one more time, sucka, you're going to find a big fat turtle head up your bony, white…"
----
"Tonight, the Iron Chef produced four dishes for the approval of our judges. Leading off is an hors d'oeuvre featuring turtle wrapped in a cornstarch covering, sprinkled with cayenne and paprika to make them extra spicy. This is followed by a cold lasagna salad with diced avocado and turtle chunks blended in. The main course is Steamed Sea Turtle and noodles where the turtle is presented in a fake turtle shell comprised of specially cooked pita bread. Finally, we have grilled turtle with sauce for an after dinner treat," announced Fukai.
"On the other side, the challenger offers up five dishes, opening with a green salad with croutons made from the turtle shell…"
"Good God, man!" interjected a horrified Arturo. "It looks like he just smashed the shell with a hammer and tossed the pieces in!"
Fukai continued, "Also on tonight's menu is turtle meat served between two slices of white bread accompanied by lettuce, tomato, and choice of mayonnaise or mustard. Third, we have blackened turtle burgers…"
"My bad," apologized Quinn.
"…followed by a main course of turtle stroganoff. For dessert, the challenger presents a plate of whipped cream with turtle appendages for dipping."
"That was my idea!" said Maggie proudly. "Mmmm…whipped cream…"
"In addition to the professor, Mister Wing, and Miss Uwuhrer, we are pleased to have former Axis Supreme Commander Adolf Hitler to fill our fourth seat this evening," announced Fukai.
"Guter tag," said the elderly fascist.
"Adolf Hitler?!" exclaimed Maggie to Quinn.
Quinn shrugged, "At this point, I'll take any alt-history I can get."
Rembrandt stood to the Chairman's right to explain his decisions to the judges and to receive feedback. The next twenty minutes were not pleasant ones.
"This is absolutely terrible," said the professor, his mouth fool of turtle stroganoff. "I've had better turtle at Kentucky Fried Eel, for heaven's sake."
"Then why are you still eating it?" asked an incredulous Rembrandt.
"And let food go to waste? I wouldn't hear of it," he said, crunching into his salad.
Ikari stared at her food, then at her fork. Food, fork. Food, fork. Slowly she raised her hand, "What am I supposed to do with this again?"
To her left, Wing pushed his turtle club sandwich away from him and clutched his stomach. "Ughh…it's times like these that I should have listened to my father and become a lawyer. Then I could file a restraining order keeping you fifty feet away from any stove."
Hitler was equally displeased, muttering, "I've committed some atrocities in my day, but this takes the schnitzel!"
As the judges deliberated, Rembrandt walked dejectedly back to the others with his head hung low. "Well, guys, it's been nice sliding with you, but I think there's a samurai sword with my name on it."
"I can't let you do this, Rembrandt. Let me take your place," said Wade.
Rembrandt was touched by Wade's offer. "You'd give your life for me? That's why I love you, girl. But I could never let you do that, sweetheart."
"But I'm begging you, please, let me die!" pleaded Wade.
A gong rang, meaning the moment of judgment had come. The lights dimmed and Chairman Kaga walked to center stage, the judges in tow.
"Today, we have witnessed a most remarkable battle which will forever live in infamy," he stated in Japanese. "Alas, only one shall prevail. The verdict…"
The dramatic notes of a piano slowly building to the announcement filled the kitchen stadium. Both Rembrandt and Wade looked to the ceiling. Rembrandt offered up a silent prayer; Wade eyed an inviting piece of cable hanging from the rafters. Maggie looked blankly ahead; Quinn stared blankly at Maggie's chest. But all four's attention was captivated by Chairman Kaga when he announced,
"You've got to be [censored] kidding me! The winner is Rembrandt Brown!"
"Unbelievable!" cried out Fukai. "What an incredible upset for the Challenger! The Chairman is beside himself over the verdict."
"I'm not going to die! I'm not going to die!" Rembrandt exclaimed, jumping up and down.
Next to him, Wade echoed his words, "I'm not going to die. I'm not going to die." She shook her head and cried. Quinn might have said something to her, but he was too enthralled with Maggie jumping up and down to notice. Up. Down. Up. Down. Quinn could feel the drool pooling up…
"Here come the scores," declared Fukai. "Wow! A clean sweep for the challenger. Let's talk to the judges about the verdict."
"The food sucked," said Wing, "but his assistant is such a hotty!"
Hitler concurred, "I haven't been this aroused since the burning of St. Petersburg. OH-gnade!"
"Arturo-san, you said earlier that you've chewed gum off the subway with more flavor than Mr. Brown's entrées. Yet you declared him the winner. Why?" asked Ota.
"Because Morimoto is a pompous ass who deserved a comeuppance. Call my theory on confectionary baking puerile, will he? That will teach him!" huffed Arturo.
"Well, once again we survived a terribly contrived situation that defies any sense of credulity. The only thing left is to slide—which is conveniently now," said Quinn, opening the vortex.
"Wait a minute! Wait a minute! You risked my life for a one hour slide?" exclaimed Rembrandt.
"Well, we needed SOMETHING to do," sneered Quinn.
As the two argued, Wade picked up the samurai sword that Rembrandt had managed to avoid using. She held it inches from her chest and prepared to thrust it when Maggie slapped her in the back.
"Now you're starting to think like a soldier, Wade. Always arm yourself before the slide," said Maggie as she carted off a half dozen sharp pieces of cutlery. "Maybe you're not the sniveling crybaby I thought you were."
With that, Maggie jumped into the vortex. Wade looked at the sword and back at the vortex. A slight smile crossed her face as she dove in after Maggie, sword fully extended in front of her.
"Good heavens!" declared Arturo. "If I'm not mistaken this is a portal to an infinite amount of dimensions. Think of all the things I could be eating!"
"You want to come with us?" invited Quinn.
"Could I?" asked Arturo, his eyes wide.
"We'd love to land on you…er…slide with you," welcomed Rembrandt as visions of cushy landings filled his head.
"Splendid!" Arturo cried and dove into the vortex.
He was never heard from again.
Ikari pulled Quinn close and gazed soulfully into his eyes. "Will I ever see you again?"
Quinn shrugged before shoving his tongue down her throat. Rembrandt shook his head. "How the devil does that white boy do it?" He then yelled to Quinn, "Come on, man, it's time to go!"
Quinn broke his embrace and smirked at Ikari. As he and Rembrandt slid, she reached out toward the closing vortex, a single tear sliding down her face. Somewhere, a rose faded.
On the sidelines, Chairman Kaga fumed. "What a terrible show! My stadium was disgraced, my chef was defeated, and now I'm down the best color commentator in the business. Oh yeah, and a man was killed. What more can go wrong?"
A horrible screech was heard and suddenly daylight poured into the stadium. Kaga and Ota looked up to see the roof thrown away. Ota pointed to the sky, "AAAAAA! It's Gamera!"
Soon, the stadium was awash in screaming spectators running and pointing. "Gamera! Gamera!"
Indeed, the giant mutated sea turtle—ally of Godzilla, eternal foe of Mothra, and friend to children around the world—was leering over kitchen stadium. And he looked pissed.
Kaga gripped Ota by the shoulders. "Where did you find the ingredient for today's show?"
"Down by the nuclear power plant, Kaga-san," sputtered Ota.
"My…babies…" growled the monster.
Kaga and Ota looked at each other and back at Gamera. "Uh-oh…"
Gamera roared and belched fire down upon the stadium below. And so we fade to a crispy black.
THE END
Credits
Thanks go to MissingSliderRyan and Blinker for encouraging me to finish this travesty...I mean, story.
I would also like to thank Donner, whose parodies of the post-Exodus mess inspired this tale. You can read them here: http://www.slightlywarped.com/sliders.html
Other websites deserving props are the Unofficial Guide to Iron Chef at www.ironchef.com and the Wooden Chef (www.woodenchef.com) for the detailed recipes that inspired the Iron Chef's offering in the above story.
But mostly, I need to thank Paul Jackson, Tony Blake, and Steve Kriozere for "Slither" and "Sole Survivors." Now, now, no need to thank them all at once.
R317
Most
humorous
Date: 09/06/2001
From: SweetOne
SweetOne"Beauty is its own excuse for being."
~Emerson
I
had a blast reading these
Date: 09/06/2001
From: The_Seer
If only the late season 3 episodes were this ridiculous and funny instead of just ridiculous. I wanna see more where this came from!.....
"We'd love to land on you…er…slide with you," welcomed Rembrandt as visions of cushy landings filled his head.
"Splendid!" Arturo cried and dove into the vortex.
He was never heard from again.
IKARI!!!!
Bwahahahaha
Date: 09/09/2001
From: MissingSliderRyan
Bravo, Recall! Glad to be of service. You didn't know when you started hanging with me that I'd be a bad influence. ;-)Hmmm... you thinking of SNK's Ikari Warriors, by any chance. :-D This game is so cool. A blast from the past.
http://www.yesterdayland.com/popopedia/shows/arcade/ag1194.phpAhhh... the memories... blue and red Rambo bandana wearing, grenade launching, machine gunning total destruction machines. :-D Jump into the tank and blow everyone to bits. Quarter hungry machines... had to get to the end for the victory. Wow, I've been playing video games that long. LOL. I played Pong in the arcades probably when I was 5 or so then moved onto Space Invaders. I do still play video games, but I've learned over the years and many quarters later to stick to a game you like and learn to win with as few quarters and continues as necessary.
I do laugh when I watch some guys play a video game I've won many times over and they keep losing and shoving quarters in. I do try to aid them by blurting out hints and directions, but most of the time they don't listen to me. So I just wait for my turn when they either give up or run out of money. For example, I shove 8 quarters into Time Crisis 2, enough to continue 3 times just in case I need them which I usually don't need to win the game. I pick up the red or blue light gun and choose the solo mission which locks out the second player from playing in the same game. Where's the fun if you have another person playing the game cooperatively. ;-) I shot at the enemies as I run through my routine which is more on learned reflexes and memory since I've played it so many times and do exactly what I was telling that guy. He'll probably watch and wait for his turn if he has money left. By the time, I'm at the end of the game, almost 16 minutes have gone by and a crowd has gathered around.
Another blast from the past.Rumors by Timex Social Club
How do rumors get started, they’re started by the jealous people and
They get mad seein’ somethin’ they had and sombody else is holdin’
They tell me that temptation is very hard to resist
But these wicked women, ooh, they just persist
Maybe you think it’s cute, but girl, I’m not impressed
I tell you one time only with my business please don’t messWill you look at all these rumors surroundin’ me every day
I just need some time, some time to get away from
From all these rumors, I can’t take it no more
My best friend said there’s one out now about me and the girl next doorDid you hear the one about Tina, some say she’s much too loose
That came straight from a guy who claims he’s tastin’ her juice
Did you hear the one about Michael, some say he must be gay
I try to argue, but they said if he was straight he wouldn’t move that way
Did you hear the one about Susan, some say she’s just a tease
In a camisole she’s six feet tall, she’ll knock you to you kneesWill you look at all these rumors surroundin’ me every day
I just need some time, some time to get away from
From all these rumors, I can’t take it no more
My best friend said there’s one out now about me and the girl next doorI can’t go no place without somebody pointin’ a finger
I can’t show my face ‘cause when it comes to rumors I’m a dead ringer
It seems from rumors I just can’t get away
I bet there’ll even be rumors floatin’ around on Judgment Day
I’ll think I’ll write my congressman and tell him to pass a bill
For the next time they catch somebody startin’ rumors, shoot to killWill you look at all these rumors surroundin’ me every day
I just need some time, some time to get away from
From all these rumors, I can’t take it no more
My best friend said there’s one out now about me and the girl next doorWhat’s mine is mine, I ain’t got time for rumors in my life
I’m a man who thinks, not a man who drinks, so please let me live my life
What’s mine is mine, I ain’t got time for rumors in my life (Look at all these rumors)
I’m a man who thinks, not a man who drinks, so please let me live my life
What’s mine is mine, I ain’t got time for rumors in my life (Look at all these rumors)
I’m a man who thinks, not a man who drinks, so please let me live my lifeWill you look at all these rumors surroundin’ me every day
I just need some time, some time to get away from
From all these rumors, I can’t take it no more
My best friend said there’s one out now about me and the girl next doorLook at all these rumors surroundin’ me every day
I just need some time, some time to get away from
From all these rumors, I can’t take it no more
My best friend said there’s one out now about me and the girl next doorStop (Stop) spreadin’ those rumors around
Stop (Stop) spreadin’ the lies
Stop (Stop) spreadin’ those rumors around
Stop (Stop) spreadin’ the liesStop (Stop) spreadin’ those rumors around
Stop (Stop) spreadin’ the lies
Stop (Stop) spreadin’ those rumors around
Stop (Stop) spreadin’ the liesStop (Stop) spreadin’ those rumors around
Stop (Stop) spreadin’ the lies
MSR
er... gotta run... Ratboy's on. :-D
Original URL http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/26674
Nominated by DMD
