ToFGaL™: Dove_Slider vs. SL4ever

Date: 01/20/2001
From: Brand_S

Dove_Slider:

Don't know how much flaming you've done, but hey, it's worth a shot, right?

SL4ever:

Here. It's started. Considering I woke up last night with a search hound biting my ass, I think you SHOULD be grateful!

Have a smegging good time, kids! All posts dated 1/21/2001 are valid!

S

Prelude

Date: 01/21/2001
From: SL4ever

Dove_Slider,

You asked when you signed up if there is a flaming school quick course you could take. The answer is yes. And this is your first lesson. You are about to earn a PHD in flaming, though it will be a fatal lesson. Come into my classroom, sit down, make yourself comfortable, and prepare to have your head split wide open. They say we learn best by doing, and you are getting ready to learn how to take punishment. When the lesson is over, you will know all you ever cared to know about flaming.

Before we are done, this classroom is going to make Quantum Physics feel like a cakewalk and I am going to make Professor Arturo feel like Mr. Rogers.

I can’t promise it will not be quick, however. In all probability you will linger over the fire for 24 hours, your skin blistering, your hair evaporating in the flames, your tongue swelling from the heat until it explodes like a ripe melon. Your only recourse is to prostrate yourself before me, and submit. I will despise you for it, but I WILL call off the dogs and your pain will end. But that is the only way to extinguish the flames before the 24 hours allotted to us expires.

Class is now in session. Your name for the duration of this round shall be “Heidi Shiverboots.” I will explain that in the next reply.

Welcome to the cleansing fires of the classroom.

Chapter 1

Date: 01/21/2001
From: SL4ever

Heidi Shiverboots,

That is your name for one simple reason. You are an abject coward hiding behind a bogus handle. It is no more complicated than that.

While I stand before you using my main handle, with the long track record associated with it, you hide behind a handle that was last used nine months ago, as far as I have been able to tell. I’ll delve into that prior use in the next post, not to worry. Actually, I have a pretty good idea who you are because of the timing and subject matter of those prior posts, but I want you to admit it for yourself.

Not for the purposes of this tourney, either. You’ve admitted that you’re not going to win the ToFGaL™, and everyone else agrees with you. So that is not the point. I am urging you to unmask for your own sake. Come out of the closet for once in your life! Stop hiding and shivering! If you stand on your own, you might discover that people like and accept you for who you really are. If you continue to hide behind this silly handle, you WILL discover for sure that nobody likes a shivering coward afraid to be himself or herself.

I’m here to help you, Heidi. Consider this an extra life lesson, a bonus to all the flaming. The world hates a coward. If you reveal yourself and lose on your past record, then at least you’ll emerge from this with the respect of the judges and other readers. If you hide behind this counterfeit handle and lose like the craven dog we all know you are, you will emerge a loser without even a modicum of respect from anyone save other cowards. As well it should be, cowards deserve each other. Given this level of timidity, other cowards might very well recognize you as their role model. So you can take solace in that, I suppose.

So what is it going to be? Chicken heart or lion heart? Mouse or tiger? Scum licking, sewer dwelling, coward or stand up person proud of his or her past posts?

I predict that you will cower behind this handle like the yellow bellied, trembling chicken you are. I hope you prove me wrong, because we know what happens to chickens, don’t we?

They get dragged down, their necks are twisted, they are plucked, they are cooked with special sauces, and then ... they are consumed.

Chapter 2

Date: 01/21/2001
From: SL4ever

Heidi Shiverboots,

Since you’re hiding behind this bogus handle, I can only talk about what you’ve done with it. Dove_Slider was created, as far as I can tell, 3-22-00 for the sole purpose of encouraging people to join in on a post party which was dying out. There were no Dove_Slider replies to the party itself, so apparently you created this handle solely to beg people to come to the party. You finished this pitiful first post on the JOC fanatics board by saying “PS New handle, old poster.” And thus Dove_Slider was born.

Your second post, on this board, was the next day and was just as wretched. Again you pleaded with people to go to this stupid party.

And then, for 9 months as far as I have been able to discover, there was complete silence from Dove_Slider. Until you blew the dust off this one-use handle to sign up for this flame tourney.

I have some observations about this course of events.

1) I’m not surprised you created a new handle to plead with people to join this party. Mainly because those two posts are the most pathetic things I’ve seen since Spacetime got his panties in a wad because nobody was replying to his hideous fan fiction. (MUCH, MUCH more on that if he and I cross paths later in this tourney. That sniveling moron had better get on his knees and pray to the baby Jesus that you find some way to beat me so he doesn’t have to face me later.) In fact, the ONLY person more pitiful than you, with your incessant begging for people to join you at the post party, is William Shatner. His wife drowned herself to get away from his ever widening ass. If you’re not married yet, I suggest you think twice about walking down the aisle. We don’t need any other people floating at the bottom of pools.

2) You must have known that if you signed up under your usual handle, your opponent would go back and check out your previous posts, fan fictions, web site, whatever you have associated with your name. This tells me that you have something to hide. Perhaps it is immediately obvious when someone reads your posts that your head is more vacant than a Sliders Convention featuring Peckinbals as the guest of honor. (in this case it would be “guest of horror” but I digress) Perhaps your fan fiction is so appalling that it makes a Clive Cussler novel seem plausible or a Keith Damron journal entry seem readable. Whatever it is, it’s obvious that the rest of your character flaws would be exposed if you revealed who you really are. I talked about your nerveless nature in the last reply, so I won’t belabor the point here.

3) Even the few posts associated with your Dove_Slider handle reveal rudimentary spelling and grammar abilities on par with what Mike Tyson is capable of right after a 15 round fight. A few pointers in the unlikely case that you actually want to improve your ability to communicate:

A) Punctuation at the end of sentences is NOT optional.

B) “Where” is spelled W-H-E-R-E.

See? Class is always in session! There is no end to what you’ll learn from me in the next 24 hours!

4) Your disgraceful pleas for increased participation in the post party were fruitless. Your humiliation didn’t even get anyone to join your little party! That is even sadder than your efforts. Why did you think you could get anyone interested by imploring them so urgently? You were so shrill that you probably scared off anyone who might have actually thought about checking out the party. Oh, you got some pity replies to your post from some sweet people who couldn’t believe their eyes when they saw your posts. They probably figured they had better reply to someone so obviously needy or you’d do something even more strident to get attention. So they “took one for the team” and replied to your post to save you and the board further embarrassment. But, alas, there was no increased participation at the party.

I can’t get this image out of my mind ... you standing outside your house, grabbing people’s arms as they walk past on the sidewalk. “Hey! Can you come in and spend some time with me? I have cookies and cake and drinks! There are some other people in there but they’re all drunk. Hey you! Can you come in and play? I’m looooooonely! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE COME IN AND JOIN ME??????” Jesus God Almighty, Heidi, have some dignity! It was contemptible! No one wanted to come join you at your little post party! NO-BOD-Y. And no amount of shameful pleading was going to change their minds.

So that is what I have been able to discern from the meager posts associated with this bogus handle. If I am able to glean something else from further inspection, I’ll be sure to let you know.

Chapter 3

Date: 01/21/2001
From: SL4ever

Heidi Shiverboots,

Good morning Heidi! Did you sleep well? I slept great. :-P Oh, did you think I’d just stop with the first three posts because you’re hiding under your bed? LOL! Oh no, my dear, I would be derelict in my duty if I rested on those light taps. I promised you 24 hours of pain and that is just what you’re going to receive. Whether you show up or not, I’m going to pummel you so mercilessly you’ll look like a bobble-head doll when I’m finished.

Btw, I KNOW you are reading this, because I KNOW who you are. I KNOW who is behind this shadow handle. And just because you didn’t reply to any posts last night with your main handle doesn’t mean you weren’t around. You were around, and you read what I said before. You show up on this board every night, you expect me to believe that you suddenly got a life and didn’t make it to the board last night merely because there were no replies? I admit that you not replying to Informant’s post below gave me pause because I imagine you would have been drawn to it. It is just your slice of PIE, so to speak. But I don’t believe it. You were here last night. You saw how I started and knew that you had already lost and now your intention is to run out the clock. You didn’t sign up for this tourney under your regular handle after all. No one can ever know with certainty who was behind that bogus handle, can they? So it is all good. It’s not like you’ll be despised for months for quitting the way people despise Spacetime, among others, for quitting the last tourney. Because people won’t know who you are.

Except that’s where you’re wrong. It is much worse to let me get off blow after blow without response. If you show up and fight and lose ... choking on the dirt as you lay face down in it while I stand over you waving my arms victoriously ... then at least people will respect that you fought the good fight. But if you cower and read this with stinging eyes but refuse to fight ... that just cements all I have already said about you.

I called money, didn’t I? I started this tourney by calling you an abject coward, and lo and behold you haven’t shown up. Boy, what a shock. I’ll tell you, this is more astonishing than the time Ron Insana “revealed” he was wearing a toupee.

Very well. I’ll be back later to kick you around some more, whether or not you show up. Whether I emerge from this tourney unscathed and all the laughs at your expense or whether you land a few blows before I move on is entirely up to you.

And let this be a warning to the other six people in this tourney. When you draw me as an opponent you had better either quit immediately before the shooting starts or come to play. Because I am not going to let up until the other board members drag me off your lifeless body.

:-P~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 4

Date: 01/21/2001
From: SL4ever

Heidi Shiverboots,

How are you holding up, sport? I KNOW you’re reading these. You can’t help but to. Perhaps I can still say something that will drag your scared fanny out from under the bed and make you hit the reply button. We’ll see.

You didn’t think I was finished, did you? There are still 6 ½ hours to go! No way, I still have some more whaling on you to do! :-P

The sad thing about this is that I even gave you a heads up on what one of my angles of attack was going to be. When Brand_S announced the pairings I replied and said, among other things: “Hey Dovey, I don't suppose you'd like to admit what handle you used before and perhaps during the use of this new handle? All my opinions, thoughts on Sliders, fan fiction, etc are on record with the handle I'm using for the tourney ... while you hide behind this rarely used handle. Care to level the playing field?”

I was actually giving you an opportunity to come clean and, as I said, level the playing field. Even then I had you marked as a coward so I didn’t expect you to admit who you were. But at the very least I was tipping my hand! You had an entire week to come up with responses to what I had admitted I was going to bring up! An entire week and you could come up with NOTHING. That intellectual constipation is why, aside from your faintheartedness, you have said NOTHING. Even with a week to come up with SOMETHING, however weak, to counter the arguments about you shivering behind this dusty handle, you could come up with nothing.

Nothing.

That’s why your score is going to be the same thing. Nothing. Zilch. The final score of this match is going to make what the Giants did to the Vikings last week look like a close game. Unless ... you find some shred of dignity within yourself to throw a few punches before they drag your carcass off the playing field.

No?

I thought not. You have about as much fight in you as a stoner after smoking a garbage bag of weed. You have as much spirit as Danielle Steel novel.

Is your hand creeping for the mouse? Is the arrow hovering over the reply button?

Of course not!

I just mistook you for a second as someone who had any guts.

My one and only post

Date: 01/21/2001
From: Dove_Slider

This will be my one and only post. I find the thought of attempting to annihilate another persons feelings, writing style, and/or thoughts and views, utterly repulsive. I do not have the inclination, the energy nor the maliciousness to utilize my skills against someone so overzealous and so obviously pleading for public recognition. To think that someone would spend so much time researching another persons posts and replies, just for the sake of trying to exploit them for purpose of ill-founded sport. I figure you have never heard the word overkill.

To have the absurd notion that using flaming to try to show another as being inferior, to me seems to rank right up there with begging to have others pay attention to ones posts and writings. To me the thought never even occurred to me to try and unearth something of flaming value to use against another. We have enough negativity in the world without intentionally or even unintentionally trying to damage one another. Why I ever allowed myself to be talked into this, or allowed myself to think I could write such posts is beyond me. But since I am here, and I know some of you shall be gazing intently upon what I care to write. I shall impart my views and opinions of the disgusting display of a waste of skills and talent of creativity used for the satisfaction of hurling forth words of vindictiveness and malevolence towards one another.

Instead we should all be using our talents to create instead of destroy. Creation in its purest sense and form should be used for the stirring the heart and emotions of the readers. Yes, comedy is a creative form of writing, but comedy issued forth with malice and viciousness is not an art form. It is instead an ugly display of ones stupidity and ignorance. Ignorance at not being able to form words to debate and inform ones peers and opposition without using slanderous terms or expletives. Stupidity at using vulgar terms and slurring remarks to give rise to ones own ego. Creative should flow through the soul creating a feeling of elated bliss or jovial mirth or even saddening empathy. Words should foster the imagination and give flight to mystical visions of the heart, mind and soul. To allow us for even the briefest of moments to escape the mundane, imperfect, harsh lives we sometimes led.

Why did I enter? I have been contemplating that myself constantly, especially over the last few days. I thought that I might be able to do it. To muster forth the negative energy needed to hurl savage statements. Allas I have concluded I do not possess the abrasive natural to tear apart someone else’s words and thoughts. Am I afraid of the others? No. Do I feel sorry for the others? Yes. Sorry that this form of sport is so appealing and seemingly so needed to help you get through your days.

Sorry if you find yourself inquiring “why did I waste my time reading this?” Hopefully you will answer by now that it was to listen to another point of view on flaming and creativity. And to clarify one thing I do not place flaming and short stories of violent content in the same category.

Thank you for listening or not listening whatever the case maybe,

Dove_Slider aka JessieMallory

Chapter 5

Date: 01/21/2001
From: SL4ever

Heidi Shiverboots,

Well put. What you fail to realize are two simple facts:

1) One condition of signing up was that you understand this is a game and that no one take anything said herein personally. That was a clearly stated rule. This is all in good fun and none of this is personal. As for researching old posts, would you rather I have spent all day talking about your sexuality like the other morons have done? I assaulted what was true and written, I did not make silly and vulgar comments about you being a lesbian or any other such rubbish. Look at some of the other war arenas and you will SEE that I was creative and did not lower us to vulgar sexual attacks. I think it is much more creative to attack one's bboard record than to make the same nasty comments about someone for the millionth time on this board.

2) Humor IS creation. Writing something that makes one laugh IS indeed an act of creation. So it is not a wasted effort if one person cracked a smile or had a laugh. As I said above, these are not real blows, it was clearly stated that this was all in good fun.

Bottom line, you knew from the first tourney what the deal was and you signed up for it knowing that.

Epilogue

Date: 01/22/2001
From: SL4ever

Dove_Slider/Jessie, (if you are, indeed, Jessie and that wasn't a ploy)

I'm sorry if you took any of that personally. It is hard to imagine that you could have, given there was a previous tourney which clearly demonstrated what it would be like. What did you expect? Delly even gave you a link to the previous one. Much of it was far worse than anything I said. I was the only person you were going to face who was not going to go into ugly sexual attacks that you would have clearly found offensive, so in that way you were lucky to face me.

Besides the previous tourney, you also had an entire 24 hours this time. After my first three posts I waited nine hours. If you had made this eloquent reply then and resigned from the tourney (which I mentioned as an option early on) I would have stopped. Instead you waited all day and posted at the last minute when there was no chance for me to adequately address your concerns. I said what I could in the five minutes I had before midnight, but still you waited until the last second.

So I'm sorry if I offended you but you signed up for this one knowing full well that the last one was there to be looked at to see how it went. You signed up under a bogus little used handle. You had an entire week after the matchups were announced to back out. And you had an entire day to call this off but waited until the last second. AND it was made clear that anyone signing up was not to take this personally. None of it was intended as a personal attack on my part. This tourney is what is known as a game. As such, it is all in good fun.

Finally, a message to the other people involved in the tourney. When the results are posted, there will be 3 other people besides me left standing. I will face 2 of those 3 people in later rounds. What happened here today is but a glimpse of what I’m going to do to the rest of you. So if you know what’s good for you, you had better pray you are the lucky 1 out of 3 who doesn’t have to face me. In fact, I would suggest e-mailing Brand_S and begging him not to match you up against me in the next round. If only two of you beg him, maybe he’ll match the third moron, who was too proud to beg, against me and you’ll be safe for one more round.

Class dismissed.

SL4Ever got SPANKED.

Date: 01/23/2001
From: SpaceTime

You completely folded in your last post! What a chump! JessieMallory completely destroyed you with one post that was as much flame as it was heartfelt soliloquy. And you apologized! HHH! You got smacked back and forth like a little bitch!

- ST

:-P

Date: 01/23/2001
From: SL4ever

Well, that gives you something to talk about when we face each other, doesn't it? Always assuming you don't punk out and quit, like you did last time, before you face me.

Original URL http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/24708
Nominated by Blinker