ToFGaL:
RMScream vs. Blinker
Date: 02/18/2001
From: Brand_S
Blinker:Now I KNOW you know how to flame, so I'm gonna love seeing how this plays out!
RMScream:
Now, you know this whole tourney ends with the final match of you vs. SpaceTime, but hey, a 2-round-long fuckaround in the interim doesn't hurt anything, does it? Think of it as a chance to sharpen your fangs.
You both have all day 2/19/2001. If you need rescheduling, e-mail me and I'll arrange something. If not, have fun!
S
The
Pop Sensation Blinker!
Date: 02/19/2001
From: RMScream
Today, we take you inside the music to show you one of the worlds most non-influential musical artists, Blinker. We'll take you back to the beginning when he was discovered on a street corner by future manager Richard Cranium. We'll also take you to his near fatal overdose on marajuana. The rise and fall of Blinker's career is up next on "Behind the Music That Everyone Despises.""He was just laying there with a bottle of Jack Daniels and an issue of 'Hustler'" Cranium stated in our exculsive interview. That week was hard for Blinker. His girlfriend, a three-legged bisexual dwarf with a mullet named Meghan, had left him for a woman only known around the town as "Big Bertha." To top it all off, Big Bertha kicked the shit out of Blinker and took his prized possession, an autographed picture of Richard Simmons, who months before had many private sessions with Blinker. After all, he was his "personal fitness trainer." Anyway, he wrote a song about her, simply titled "Meghan." BTMTED has acquired the wonderful lyrics to that song.
==========
Meghan
By: BlinkerYeah, she's Meghan, that's with an H
Meghan is hot, yeah, she has blond hair
And she's really cool, that's why I care
She may not be a doctor
But she has lots of patience
Yeah, her name is MeghanShe may not be a movie star, an astronaut, or a lesbian
But by all means she does what she can to be Meghan.Her mullet flows in the cold wind
Though banging me may be a sin...d
She does it always the best she can
She does it because she is MeghanMeghan, you rule, yeah, you're so cool
Everytime I see you I practically drool
I pitch my tent, and I cream again
I do it because you are...MeghanYou may not be a movie star, an astronaut, or a lesbian
But by all means you do what you can to be Meghan==========
Well, after reading that song, I can see why she left him. Now we will go to the rise of Blinker. Nevermind, that would take too long and he's not that great of an artist. Let's just skip right along to his peak.
After months of training with Richard Cranium, Blinker released an EP titled "Blinking To The Beat of a Different Drummer" on Shiiiiiiiiit records. It had a groundbreaking opening, selling 5 copies in its first month of release, two of those being his parents.
"I was shocked at the opening. I never thought the record would do this well. All this adversity I had to overcome was all worth it."
Cranium was also impressed, "When the sales figures came in, I nearly shit myself! I couldn't believe we sold that many records!"
To promote the new release. Blinker went on tour, going to bars across the County, and performing for literally tens of people. Everyone thought he sucked a big fat one, though, so the tour didn't exactly help the cause.
One of the "bright spots" on the album, "Chester The Molester," wasn't very well recieved. The autobiographical track has some shady content.
==========
Chester The Molester
By: BlinkerHe walks right down the alley ways
Switchblade in his hand
He sees a little boy named Timmy
Makes his pants shake and shimmy
Young Timmy tries to run away
But the charms can't be resisted
Just another child-like notch on the belt
Just another innocent life shatteredHe's Chester the molester
He has sex with little boys-Girls too
He's Chester the molester
He uses lots of toys-Sex toys
His idol is Michael Jackson
Just like him, he gets little boy action
He's Chester...the...molesterThough his friends say he is sick
And that he has a really small dick
He hounds those kids to no avail
Until he tracks a little piece of tailAfter he's done, he sends them on their way
Feelings of guilt just fade away
All he is is a selfish jerk
But all he can do is smirkThey "feel his world" and "remember" his "time"
Now I'm just putting in something to rhyme
It don't matter to him if they're black or white
He does what he can to deal with his plightWe all know he'll never get better
He'll always be known as Chester the Molester.He's Chester the molester
He has sex with little boys-Girls too
He's Chester the molester
He uses lots of toys-Sex toys
His idol is Michael Jackson
Just like him, he gets little boy action
He's Chester...the...molester==========
It was tracks like that which put him on the map as an "artist," but it was his addiction to drugs that brought him down.
"I never knew you could overdose on weed," Blinker stated at his press conference. Blinker's penchant for marajuana smoking had nearly shattered his dreams. By smoking hundereds of pounds of marajuana at one time he had a near fatal overdose.
"Some may call him a fucking idiot. Some may scoff at him now. But he's a survivor. So what if he smokes some pot now and then. He's entitled to do so," Richard Cranium stated.
Now, after a year layoff, Blinker is making a comeback. He is currently in the studio recording the follow-up to his smash debut. "Blink On, Brother, Blink On!" will not be in stores on March 30. You will be able to purchase it at most garage sales and at the following websites; http://www.blinkerfuckingrules.com, http://www.blinker.com, and at http://www.idontgiveashitaboutblinkerandhisretardedmusic.com. Behind The Music That People Despise was given a sneak peak at the album and a preview of two unfinished tracks that will be on it.
==========
The Club of Breakfast (An ode to Bender)
By: BlinkerYeah, it's The Breakfast Club
Can you feel the love?
This movie is above...The others
Though they don't eat ham and eggs and toast
I like these characters the most
I'm crazy for this movie
I'm crazy for this movieBender's cool, he's played by Judd Nelson
He's mean 'n' tough, does lots of yellin'-son
But he has a softer side in there
He kisses and falls in love with Claire==========
That has top forty hit written all over it! Also, Blinker has given us a sneak peak at the first single off the album, "Turds."
==========
Turds
By: BlinkerWhat smell could make your head explode?
What are those things in your commode?
It's turds! It's turds!
Some of them are thin and runny
Some of them are green and gummy
Turds!
Though some of them may come out fast
If our bowel doesn't move they'll really last
They're turds!
They're turds!
We call those things...TURDS! Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!==========
From his beginning at the street corner to his meeting with Richard Cranium, and his first single "Chester the Molester" to his bout with addiction, Blinker has truly been one of the most non-influential stars in the history of terrible music. Tune in next time where Behind The Music That People Despise takes an inside look at Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.
-RM
The
Real Blinker
Date: 02/19/2001
From: RMScream
Who is Blinker? That question has haunted many of us for several years. Is he someone famous? Is he a middle-aged bald man with a fat wife and two annoying brats for kids? Or, is he a mentally challenged black man who goes into movie theaters and masturbates in the bathroom stalls? Very little is known about Blinker. I am here today to disect the facts to find out the answers to these questions.Blinker the name, I believe, is a symbol. A symbol which will lead us to who he really is. Let's take a look at this name and the possible meaning of it. Using documents we have recieved from his aunt, who we will refer to as "Sweet Mama J," we have uncovered the meaning behind this handle.
Butt licking
Large
Involent
Nitwit
who eats
Kunts
of
Epileptic
RacoonsWe have also found information that links Blinker to the most assinine of organizations, the NAREEP. Or, in leyman's terms, The National Association of Retired Engineers who Eat Poop. Although he lacks the brain power to be an engineer, he has come to reign on the board of trustees.
Blinker has also been seen every Saturday afternoon entering the Southland 9 movie theater in Ontario, Canada. According to Albert, the door man, he has bought a ticket to "Save The Last Dance" every Saturday for the last month, though he only watches fifteen minutes of the movie, then leaves.
With all the evidence we have uncovered, the question "Who is Blinker" has been answered. After countless hours of investigation, Blinker has been reveled as "Slick," a retarded black man, who, as stated above, visits the movies every week. He also likes to request pictures from the female employees, and likens them to his "girlfriends." He also tells them hollow threats of his "other women" coming to beat them up. And yes, he was caught masturbating in the bathroom stall by an employee.
Finally, the mystery is uncovered. Blinker is actually Slick, the retarded black theater goer. The questions are answered, and the story is complete.
-Rm
Damn...
Date: 02/20/2001
From: RMScream
I was hoping to trade shots with you, buddy. We had some fun last time. Sorry you couldn't make it. I'll talk to ya!-Ryan
The
Plop Sensation RMScream...
Date: 02/20/2001
From: Blinker
...experiences every time he sits down is NOT a natural phenomenon, my friends. It's actually a bizarre form of diarrhoea induced by the head he regularly provides to... well, everyone's *favourite* head, Zordon from "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers." The radioactive energy-based dildo attachment necessary to consummate this act has had quite the destabilizing effect on his bowels... to say nothing of his already-pitiful flaming abilities.Mercifully for all of our collective sanity, it's only the latter we'll be addressing this evening...
=====
Today, we take you inside the music
>>> Gee, RenownedlyMeretriciousScream, wouldn't your usual style prescribe getting BEHIND the music first?
to show you one of the worlds most non-influential musical artists, Blinker.
>>> You're right, I've had absolutely no influence on popular music. Nor has anyone else on this board, unless we count your own all-night "Fish Head" sessions with Barnes & Barnes and a bucket of expired rainbow trout as "influence." Is this *going* somewhere?
We'll take you back to the beginning when he was discovered on a street corner by future manager Richard Cranium.
>>> Only RemarkablyMoribundScream would consider wielding "Cranium" as an insult. What sort of names did you reject... "Robert Brainman"? "Ronald McPossessedOfWorkingTesticles"?
We'll also take you to his near fatal overdose on marajuana.
>>> MARA JUANA [n.] RM's favourite character from "Star Wars."
The rise and fall of Blinker's career is up next on "Behind the Music That Everyone Despises."
>>> A show that ONLY YOU could envision... hell, a show that only you would WATCH.
"He was just laying there with a bottle of Jack Daniels and an issue of 'Hustler'"
>>> Woo Hoo! My heterosexual proclivities remain intact! No tractor fetish, no sweet porpoise lovin' down at Sea World... DAMN, RevoltingMienScream, you're even a pansy when trying to ATTACK people!
Cranium stated in our exculsive interview.
>>> EXCULSIVE [adj.] Describes the sensation RectalMeniscusScream experiences when milking himself to a graven image of Robert Culp.
That week was hard for Blinker. His girlfriend, a three-legged bisexual dwarf with a mullet named Meghan,
>>> HHHHH! Dude, lemme spell this out for you. You're expected to go after ME! ME, AND NOT A FICTIONAL GIRLFRIEND OF YOUR INVENTION. So far, the most you've said about me personally is that I've had no influence on popular music, I sometimes drink alcohol, and I consider unclothed women erotic! I'm shakin' in my boots even now!!!!
had left him for a woman only known around the town as "Big Bertha." To top it all off, Big Bertha kicked the shit out of Blinker
>>> She could've done worse. Coming into contact with RandomMutationScream's toxic shit would've rendered her paraplegic at the *least.*
and took his prized possession, an autographed picture of Richard Simmons,
>>> Richard Simmons AGAIN??? Dude, FIND SOME NEW FUCKIN' EXERCISE-VIDEO REFERENCES. You used Simmons LAST time [http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/24709/1]... but I'm sure you were just borrowing him from the ineffably superior flames of Stoker_chick [http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/21726/5], Brand_S [http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/21728/3], or even EUSTIHATER [http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/21219].
>>> Lessons to be learned: SIMMONS IS DONE FOR, and YOU ARE EUSTIHATER'S BITCH.
who months before had many private sessions with Blinker. After all, he was his "personal fitness trainer." Anyway, he wrote a song about her, simply titled "Meghan."
>>> Sadly, RamblingMoronScream spent a full nine hours trying to devise a wittily Blink-debasing title for that song. His attempts' utter failure can safely be ascribed to their monosyllabic length.
BTMTED has acquired the wonderful lyrics to that song.
>>> ONLY one such as you, RomanoManholeScream -- someone in whose description the words "face" and "feces" can be used damn near interchangably -- could EVER consider the following tripe "WONDERFUL"...
Meghan
By: BlinkerYeah, she's Meghan, that's with an H
>>> Go on, folks. Guess what RimmerMasturbationScream was occupied with while his lone functioning brain cell struggled to formulate this "song" all on its lonesome.
Meghan is hot, yeah, she has blond hair
>>> Wow! You really are raking her over the coals!
And she's really cool, that's why I care
She may not be a doctor
But she has lots of patience
Yeah, her name is Meghan>>> Again, HHH! Look, Squeam, it's transparently obvious that you decided at the last minute to put your talent for crappy-lyric-writing to work rather than construct an actual, capable-of-standing-on-its-own-without-twenty-pounds-of-Viagra (this is the first, and final, time that I've got your woeful excuse for a penis in mind) flame. I only ask that you keep this padding as brief as your affair with Binky the Lov™ [sic] Manatee...
She may not be a movie star, an astronaut, or a lesbian
But by all means she does what she can to be Meghan.>>> Did you miss the introduction, kiddo? The idea here is to entertain the *JUDGES* and cause *ME* to suffer... NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!
Her mullet flows in the cold wind
>>> ReniformMucousScream scripted this line from personal experience... namely, that of having "her" oddly-styled pubic hair being caressed by the malodorous exhalations of Cyndi Lauper.
Though banging me may be a sin...d
>>> Sadly, after the aforementioned experience, he was never able to pronounce the word "Cyndi" in its entirety again...
She does it always the best she can
She does it because she is MeghanMeghan, you rule, yeah, you're so cool
Everytime I see you I practically drool
I pitch my tent, and I cream again
I do it because you are...Meghan>>> Substitute "Patrick Stewart" for "Meghan" and "curveball" for "tent," and what you've got is RatMatingScream's unabridged autobiography.
You may not be a movie star, an astronaut, or a lesbian
But by all means you do what you can to be Meghan>>> ...
Well, after reading that song, I can see why she left him. Now we will go to the rise of Blinker. Nevermind, that would take too long and he's not that great of an artist.
>>> "NOT THAT GREAT"???????? *THAT* is your idea of an INSULT??????? Did you attend Flame School from within RandomsEdge's PANTS or something?????
Let's just skip right along to his peak.
>>> Much like RelrelhakatokMolestingScream's one-and-only amatory technique...
After months of training with Richard Cranium, Blinker released an EP titled "Blinking To The Beat of a Different Drummer" on Shiiiiiiiiit records. It had a groundbreaking opening,
>>> Which tragically failed to swallow up RapturousMycosisScream and his *own* musical outfit, the "Fabulous Fungus-Fuckers." *
selling 5 copies in its first month of release, two of those being his parents.
>>> Huh?!? Now you're trying to say that I was born to a PAIR OF RECORDS???? Records that I MYSELF RECORDED?!?!? Dude, would you LAY DOWN THE HEROIN PARAPHERNALIA FOR A SECOND and FUCKING PROOFREAD?!?
"I was shocked at the opening. I never thought the record would do this well. All this adversity I had to overcome was all worth it."
>>> Heartwarming. Just like ANY flame worth its salt. *snicker*
Cranium was also impressed, "When the sales figures came in, I nearly shit myself! I couldn't believe we sold that many records!" To promote the new release.
>>> Ah, the lowly sentence fragment. Rather puts one in mind of the bullet fragment lodged in RM's brain from the CIA attempt on his life... the one that's gone on to provide over 60% of his cognitive functioning.
Blinker went on tour, going to bars across the County,
>>> Hey, it's a small world after all!
and performing for literally tens of people. Everyone thought he sucked a big fat one,
>>> "SBFD™"? Gimme a break...
though, so the tour didn't exactly help the cause. One of the "bright spots" on
>>> your face, RepeatedlyMutteringScream? I've been wondering about those. While they ARE a common bane of your fellow 14-year-olds, most of THEIRS aren't GLOWING TURQUOISE...
the album, "Chester The Molester," wasn't very well recieved.
>>> RECIEVE [v.] To feed something through a sieve for the second time.
The autobiographical track has some shady content.
>>> So it's a duet with Eminem? Much like your "shower" this morning?
Chester The Molester
By: BlinkerHe walks right down the alley ways
Switchblade in his hand
He sees a little boy named Timmy
Makes his pants shake and shimmy
Young Timmy tries to run away
But the charms can't be resisted
Just another child-like notch on the belt
Just another innocent life shatteredHe's Chester the molester
He has sex with little boys-Girls too
He's Chester the molester
He uses lots of toys-Sex toys
His idol is Michael Jackson
Just like him, he gets little boy action
He's Chester...the...molesterThough his friends say he is sick
And that he has a really small dick
He hounds those kids to no avail
Until he tracks a little piece of tailAfter he's done, he sends them on their way
Feelings of guilt just fade away
All he is is a selfish jerk
But all he can do is smirkThey "feel his world" and "remember" his "time"
Now I'm just putting in something to rhyme
It don't matter to him if they're black or white
He does what he can to deal with his plightWe all know he'll never get better
He'll always be known as Chester the Molester.He's Chester the molester
He has sex with little boys-Girls too
He's Chester the molester
He uses lots of toys-Sex toys
His idol is Michael Jackson
Just like him, he gets little boy action
He's Chester...the...molester>>> As you've noticed, I can't even bring myself to dignify these travesties of music with witty, line-by-line denigrations any longer. Doing THAT would require LOOKING AT THEM LONG ENOUGH TO PINPOINT THE LINE BREAKS AND HIT CTRL-V... and by that point I'd be BLIND. Let me just say that I'm not in the least surprised by your performance, coming as it does from someone whose only first-hand "contact" with "culture" is at his live performances with the Fabulous Fungus Fuckers.
It was tracks like that which put him on the map
>>> Somewhere between Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, I'll bet...
as an "artist," but it was his addiction to drugs that brought him down. "I never knew you could overdose on weed,"
>>> THRILL as RM covers for his abject lack of research! All this and more in ToFGaL™, Round II!
Blinker stated at his press conference. Blinker's penchant for marajuana smoking had nearly shattered his dreams. By smoking hundereds
>>> HUNDEREDS [n.] A shitty comic book in which Attila the Hun is resurrected to battle Judge Dredd.
of pounds of marajuana at one time he had a near fatal overdose. "Some may call him a fucking idiot. Some may scoff at him now. But he's a survivor.
>>> As opposed to RM "Fat Naked Faggot™" Scream... aka *THE* Survivor.
So what if he smokes some pot now and then. He's entitled to do so," Richard Cranium stated.
>>> [scratches out 'Law' on list of subjects RedfacedMidgetScream possibly could've majored in] Well, guess all that leaves is 'Basket Weaving' and 'Advanced Starfish Rape.'
Now, after a year layoff, Blinker is making a comeback. He is currently in the studio recording the follow-up to his smash debut. "Blink On, Brother, Blink On!" will not be in stores on March 30.
>>> ...of course, that's only because it'll be sold out half an hour into its release date, March 29...
You will be able to purchase it at most garage sales
>>> BRILLIANT logic there, RapidMotormouthScream! An artist who can only sell FIVE RECORDS somehow manages to get his albums sold secondhand at *MOST* garage sales in the country?!??!?!?!?! What the hell is THIS???
and at the following websites; http://www.blinkerfuckingrules.com, http://www.blinker.com, and at http://www.idontgiveashitaboutblinkerandhisretardedmusic.com.
>>> Actual URL is "http://www.idontgiveashitaboutblinkerandhisretardedmusic.com/
butimsellinghismusicanywaybecauserostralmandiblescreamneither
proofreadsnorcomprehendshisownshit.html"Behind The Music That People Despise was given a sneak peak at the album and a preview of two unfinished tracks
>>> So they were handed a photograph of your forearm?
that will be on it.
>>> Get ready, folks! The nature of Humour™ is about to be made clear! Either that, or ReferencingMacguyverScream's once more attempting to assemble a coherent song from McDonald's hamburger wrappers and the poetry of Sheree "Toes in my Nose" Fitch. Place your bets.
The Club of Breakfast (An ode to Bender)
By: BlinkerYeah, it's The Breakfast Club
Can you feel the love?
This movie is above...The others
Though they don't eat ham and eggs and toast
I like these characters the most
I'm crazy for this movie
I'm crazy for this movieBender's cool, he's played by Judd Nelson
He's mean 'n' tough, does lots of yellin'-son
But he has a softer side in there
He kisses and falls in love with Claire>>> . . . . . . . . . . . .
That has top forty hit written all over it!
>>> ...by you, in yellow crayon.
Also, Blinker has given us a sneak peak at the first single off the album, "Turds."
>>> Which RecurrentMydriasisScream no doubt based on David Peckinpah's "seminal" Irish-cop/scat-porno series. Hey, he DOES have all the tapes... and the publicity posters... and the home game... and the licensed blow-up dolls...
Turds
By: BlinkerWhat smell could make your head explode?
What are those things in your commode?It's turds! It's turds!
Some of them are thin and runny
Some of them are green and gummy
Turds!
Though some of them may come out fast
If our bowel doesn't move they'll really last
They're turds!
They're turds!
We call those things...TURDS! Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!>>> "She loves turds/Yeah, yeah, yeah..." Ripping-offMcCartneyScream returns to plagiarize the object of his Round I affection?
From his beginning at the street corner to his meeting with Richard Cranium, and
>>> ***FROM***
his first single "Chester the Molester" to his bout with addiction,
>>> Did your kindergarten "sessions" with Gramercy the Grammar Bear teach you NOTHING?!? I mean, geez, ASIDE from the joys from making love to sweaty Hispanic men wearing shitty bear suits in dirty washrooms...
Blinker has truly been one of the most non-influential stars in the history of terrible music.
>>> You're right: I've had ZERO influence on the history of terrible music. Honestly, WHAT is your POINT?!
Tune in next time where Behind The Music That People Despise takes an inside look at Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.
>>> In other words: RegularMendacityScream eagerly peeks inside their underwear. Tune in... or don't.
I'd insert some remarks here about your site "Ryan's Rant," and how a page whose central conceit is pretending to merge dellyone and HunterD_Raven would make SHITloads more sense than the EXISTING one (which you designed with a ribbed background pattern, in the ludicrous hope of obtaining some small measure of friction as you stroke your withered member across the monitor in a vain attempt to copulate with your own twisted creation), but it's late, I'm tired, and someone whose idea of a killer flame is lazily slapping together some awful song lyrics and attributing them to his opponent just *isn't* worth the effort.
- Blinker 7:- /
http://slidersweb.net/blinker* Look up "mycosis," dipshit.
Uh,
Blink-o...
Date: 02/20/2001
From: SpaceTime
I think RM's "funny" about Richard Cranium is supposed to be a poorly thought-out reference to a "dick-head," which makes you wonder: why would any parent name their child this, why would any self-respecting record promoter continue to use such a ridiculous birth name (witness "Bob Rock") and WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE EVEN THINK THIS IS REMOTELY HUMOROUS?!Someone please, PLEASE shoot RMSCREAM IN THE HEAD WITH A PELLET GUN so it'll pop and release all the delicious OZONE back into the atmosphere.
- ST
Pain.
Date: 02/20/2001
From: Blinker
Ever since the Nightmare™ began last night with my internet access crapping out at 10pm, I've invested a total of EIGHT HOURS getting this thing online.That's one more hour than I got of sleep last night.
The witless, half-baked flame you see has been hand-converted to Mac, PC, HTML, and every other form of text encoding known to man. It's also been reconstructed half from scratch no less than *three times* due to 7>:-# workstation crashes. As such, it's bound to be replete with nonsensical riffs and missed opportunities.
Four hours later, I finally have sufficient time online to post this explanatory comment.
S - should you choose to permit the post, that's cool. Should you rather reschedule us for the weekend, that's equally cool. Otherwise... good luck in Round III, RM. Nice to see you again -- thanks for the matches. 7:-P
- Blinker 7:-/
http://slidersweb.net/blinkerMmmm... ozone...
Sheesh...
Date: 02/20/2001
From: RMScream
I already have Blinker combating with me, I don't need you to join in ST! One opponent is enough. Don't make me kill both of you! :-P-RM
Sorry...
Date: 02/20/2001
From: RMScream
Sorry about your internet problems. You and several others know that I've experienced the same kind of thing. I know how you feel. I don't mind letting that post count. It was funny.:-) I wish I could have come back with something for it, but you know how those damn internet connections are! Blinker, it was a fun round nonetheless. Now get on AIM more often so we can chat!-RM
Original URL http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/25060
Nominated by Blinker
