ToFGal
Round IV: Blinker vs SL4ever
Date: 07/05/2001
From: Recall317
"Show me how a man flames, and I will show you who he is."If memory serves me correctly, a challenger entered our arena six months ago hoping to claim the field as the greatest flaming god of all-time. Though he put up a valiant effort, his was not enough to defeat my Iron Flamers.
However, he has refused to go quietly, again wishing to engage us in battle. Sl4ever, we accept your challenge. Show us why you believe yourself worthy of the praise of the people...
[Cue theme to "Backdraft"- Fighting 17th.]
"The challenger is entering the Furnace o' Fun Arena. The last time SL4ever entered this hallowed ground, he was turned away by SpaceTime in a ferocious battle. Today he must face an even stiffer challenge, a fight with one of the immortal Iron Flamers , if he is to get the opportunity for a rematch," announced DieselFukaiKenji.
"Greeting the challenger is the Chairman, Kaga317. Kaga317 spent his fortune so he could realize his dream, his dream of watching trolls and wannabes scorched into oblivion. He built the elaborate Furnace o' Fun Arena and enlisted the greatest flamers of our time to do battle with all all comers. Iron Flamer French is darkslider, whose bon mots belittle even the heartiest of challengers. Iron Flamer Canadian is Blinker, whose extensive memory and recall have made him well nigh impossible to outprepare. Iron Flamer Goth is Stoker_Chick, whose tongue cuts as sharply as her nails."
"So, are you...prepared for this match?" asked Kaga, dressed in an outfit that would have made Duran Duran's Nich Rhodes blush.
"I am ready. I shall do my best," replied SL4ever.
"Very good," replied Kaga, turning behind him. "I summon the Iron Flamers!"
[Cue theme to "Glory"- Charging Fort Wagner]
Through the mists, the Iron Flamers arose to floor level of the Furnace o' Fun. Stoker_Chick, arrayed only in black. darkslider, in his trademark red. And Blinker, lit up like a freaking Christmas tree.
"Who shall it be?" requested Kaga of the challenger.
"Blinker-san!" declared SL4ever.
"The challenger has selected Blinker! Blinker is the Provincial Prince of Propane and the Master of MSTing. His swath of destruction is unparalleled in the glorious history of the Furnace o' Fun. SL4ever is making a statement that nothing will stop him of his goal of rematching with SpaceTime and has gone right for the best," explained DeiselFukai.
"Now we come to the unveiling of today's theme," stated Kaga317. "Both competitors are accomplished in the fields of turning other people's works against them. So...a special battle has been planned. Reveal the theme!"
Much in the same way the Iron Flamers made their entrance, the theme now rose from the center platform.
"It's the head of Tom Servo!" exclaimed DieselFukai. "Today's theme will be a MSTing battle. The competitor who outriffs his opponent will receive bonus points from our judges in addition to the more traditional fmaling methods. Each competitor will have 24 hours (July 6th) to reduce his opponent to charcoal. As the combatants take a few moments to prepare, let me introduce our glorious panel. To my right, fortune teller SweetOne Kazuko...
'I predict a great fight tonight.'
...actress Cassandra Ryan...
'Hee hee. I'm happy to be here. I like things.'
...rapper/singer Brand_Korn...
'Peace. Yo.'
...and affectionately known as the East German judge, flame critic Cappy Asako...
'Guter tag.'
Chairman Kaga317 stepped to the center of the stage and raised his hand. "Allez cuisnart!"
"And the Gong of Fate has sounded! Can SL4ever put his past defeat behind him and rally past Blinker? Will Blinker find any time to make more than one response? The heat will be on!"
-------------------------
He
Will Rock You
Date: 07/06/2001
From: TheHerald
Ladies and Gentlemen, esteemed guests, deities, Sliders fans, and TIP. We are truly blessed tonight. It is my upmost honor, nay, my humbling privilege, to bring to you one like no other. This fearless flamer would stand before the almighty First Flamer himself and challenge him to a verbal death duel. This man would flame Tracy Torme if he said he liked Maggie better than Wade. So it is clear that this man would flame ANYONE who stands in his way towards the ultimate prize, the Bboard flaming championship. If Mortica14 came back from Internet Oblivion and was the next opponent this man would reduce her to microscopic cinders and fill his pipe with them. If someone dug up George Burns this man would pimp slap the deceased comedian and step over his putrefying corpse. All this man cares about is PIE, exacting revenge on SpaceTime, and winning the flaming crown.When I first met Him, He was challenging the ENTIRE BOARD to a flaming contest, all of them against him alone, merely to keep in flaming shape for the time when he found his way out of the darkness of Loser Hell and back into the tournament where he could reclaim his honor, dance around with SpaceTime’s head on a stick, and eat PIE. Blessed PIE.
And NOW, without further ado, I bring to you, the Torme flaming, Bboard championship claiming, Mortica14 to cinder reducing, George Burns pimp slapping, future winner of the ToFGaL! The Wizard of Wordplay, the Baron of Burning, the Earl of Immolation, the Father of Flaming, your GOD, SLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL4ever!!!!
1
P-Q4 N-KB3
Date: 07/06/2001
From: SL4ever
Blinker,So it has come down to this. In order to achieve my goal of ripping SpaceTime a new asshole, I must first vanquish you. It will be a pleasure to combat one as talented and witty as yourself. My first opponent was a forfeit, so that was hardly a competition. My second opponent was an abject moron with the flaming skills of Barney, the wit of Executive, and the intelligence of a retarded decomposing yak who relied on his overinflated reputation. So it is a breath of fresh air to face someone who actually deserves to stand on the same flaming field as myself.
But enough of that. I have disgraced myself for over two and a half years sucking up to you, I’m not going to spend the next 24 hours doing more of the same.
During this flaming round I will discuss the following:
1) You are the Antichrist, as predicted by Nostradamus himself, who foretold your return to our bboard and pointed an accusing finger at you as being the third Antichrist. (The first two were Napoleon and Hitler.)
2) You and SpaceTime once competed against each other in a dollar auction. I will reveal the disastrous results.
3) Your family lineage from caveman times to the here and now.
4) A few surprises. :-D
So, with your ceremonial name giving, I shall unleash hell.
For the remainder of this round, you, Blinker, shall be addressed as Tufty Spifflepuft.
2
P-QB4 P-K3
Date: 07/06/2001
From: SL4ever
“This is a devil, and not monster; I will leave him; I have no long spoon.”
-Shakespeare, The TempestSo Blinker is the Antichrist. The third one, to be exact. Does this really surprise us? Sure, he entertains us mightily, but doesn’t the bible say that the Antichrist will amuse us with one hand and stick a flaming hot pitchfork up our bums with the other? Perhaps that line is in the apocrypha. In any case, we can’t let the fact that he makes us laugh harder than a MST3K doubleheader keep us from dousing evil in whatever form it appears in. And Blinker is evil, let there be no mistaking that.
In fact, our old buddy Nostradamus himself accuses Blinker of being the King of Terror and predicted when Blinker would return to the board after his infamous departure post which saw dozens of people telling Executive to stick it up his fat butt. In Century 10, Quatrain 72, Nostradamus warns of a King of Terror descending from the skies in July of 1999. Here is the Quatrain in question:
In the year 1999 and seven months,
From the sky will come the great King of Terror.
He will bring back to life the great king of the Mongols.
Before and after war rules happily.The year is unmistakable. The seventh month of the year is, of course, July. The sky is a metaphor for the internet. We’ve had flame wars great and small both before and after July, 1999. And who is the king of the Mongols? One interpretation is that it is me. I’ve been called Mongolian on more than one occasion and I flame better than any Mongol horde. I also find a good Mongolian barbecue every now and then. And Blinker did bring me back to life. Albeit before July, 1999. I had resigned from the board and was never coming back when Blinker wrote me and convinced me to come back. I’ve never regretted it (though some others have) and in this way, Blinker brought back to life the King of the Mongols. Just call me SL4ghis Kahn.
So who am I saying is the King of Terror? Just ask yourself, what happened in July of 1999? Did you see any demon kings descend from the sky? I was out a lot in July of 1999 and I didn’t see nar a one of evil kings reigning terror on our heads. Many people who have read Nostradamus extensively have pointed to this Quatrain as more proof that the old drug addict was off his rocker.
But none of them know something that we know! Check this out:
http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/8636
BLINKER descended from the sky (the internet) in July of 1999! Just as he resurrected me, and just as flame wars have ruled before and after that time! This proves that HE is the King of Terror, i.e. the third Antichrist! He is seducing us with his amusements! By keeping us in stitches he is lowering our guard! Is it a coincidence that 2 years later to the very day (it has been exactly 730 days since his return. There is a one date difference because we’ve had one leap year) I should face him in mortal flame combat? This flame war has become something more than a passing amusement, it has become mortal combat with the fate of the board and all its inhabitants at stake. If I fail to vanquish Tufty Spifflepuft then we will know the terror of the third Antichrist ruling this board from on high as the reigning Flaming Champion! The hosts of disease, despair, and destruction that will follow this are too ghastly to contemplate.
I am your last hope. Who will protect the board from this awful fate if I am defeated? SPACETIME???? HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Please. I’d rather put my faith in TIP armed with a water pistol.
But fear not, it won’t come to that. I have identified the Beast, his tuft hiding the three sixes on his forhead, and I shall protect all of us from eternal damnation at his hands.
3
N-KB3 P-QN3
Date: 07/06/2001
From: SL4ever
Announcer: Hello everybody. I’m your host and we’re ready to play The Dollar Auction! The rules are so simple that even our two guests tonight can comprehend them! Our first guest is the moron who needs no introduction, SpaceTime!ST: I’m ready to win a dollar!
Announcer: Our second competitor, only more intelligent in comparison to our first guest, here all the way from Canada, is Blinker!
BLK: I don’t care if it IS an American dollar, I want it!
Announcer: Okay, the rules are simple folks. Our two competitors are bidding for this crisp new American dollar bill. Whoever has the highest bid gets the dollar! They have to pay whatever they bid, but they get the dollar in return. So if they win the bid at 50 cents, they pay that and get a 50 cent profit. It’s easy money! However, the catch is that whoever has the second highest bid ALSO has to pay THEIR bid and they get NOTHING in return! Therefore, if the highest bid is 50 cents and the second highest bid is 49 cents, the winner pays the 50 cents and gets the dollar. But the second highest bidder pays 49 cents and gets a big fat nothing in return! We’re ready to play. Let’s bring in our color commentator, RMScream.
RMS: HELLO AGAIN EVERYBODY!!!!
Announcer: So who’s ready to bid?
BLK: I’ll bid one cent.
Crowd: Gasp!!
RMS: BLINKER IS REALLY STEPPING OUT THERE WITH HIS BOLD OPENING BID OF ONE CENT!! WHAT IS MY BUDDY SPACETIME GOING TO DO????
ST: Um, two cents.
<woman in the middle of the crowd faints.>
RMS: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS! SPACEY REALLY STEPPED UP TO THE PLATE THIS TIME!
Announcer <rubbing ear closest to RMScream> : You’re right, RM. If Blinker doesn’t top this bid, he’s out one cent as the loser. Meanwhile, SpaceTime would enjoy a 98 cent profit on his two cent investment. He’d be farting through silk big time.
BLK: Three cents.
Crowd: “Oooooooh!” “Oh my god!” “Blinker’s a moron! He should cut his losses at one cent!”
RMS: THINGS ARE HEATING UP, FOLKS!! NOW SPACETIME IS THE ONE WHO GETS SCREWED IF THE BIDDING STOPS HERE!
Announcer: The towel girls are out to wipe the sweat from the brows of the contestants, so we’ll take a break. Back after this message!
“He has a Borglike memory!‘What? What did you say, >:-#? Executive didn’t come out of the closet in post http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/54523574293578437653109675
3867538314643257426574! He came out in post number http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/54523574293578437653109675
3867538314643257426575!!!! Jesus Christ, who the >:-# do you think you’re talking to, trying to run some jive like that past me???? I’m the KID, bay-bee! I know MY >:-#!!!’He can figure out whodunnit!
‘Now, according to post number http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/54523574364831485092840
9328432345363576465765487653875 PunkSlider said it was female in gender. HOWEVER, 3 years later, in post number http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545432865784317685317685
37638517697543376598376753867543268547698 PunkSlider said it was a male! Therefore, the Transexual Killer is none other than PunkSlider! Cuff ‘em boys!’He’s Encyclopedia Blinker! If he fell over it would sound like an entire wall of post numbers falling down! Watch Encyclopedia Blinker as he solves crimes when he’s not surfing the net looking for Sliders Website violations!
‘Look, according to post number http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/54543831850938631758475827584574
316439875084275983217543175431760743167317653176573 you’re not a total dumbass. So surely you must realize that this 9mm pointed at your dome would ventilate your skull. There is no way you could get that .38 out of your jacket pocket before I bust 16 caps in you. So why don’t you just surrender? Don’t make me close your link file permanently!’Encyclopedia Blinker! Fridays on FOX!”
Announcer: And we’re back.
RMS: WELL BOB, WE’RE GETTING INTO CRUNCH TIME NOW! SPACETIME’S LAST BID WAS 55 CENTS! HE’S LOOKING AT ONLY A 45 CENT PROFIT IF THE BIDDING STOPS NOW, BUT IF HE HAD STOPPED AT BLINKER’S LAST BID HE WOULD HAVE BEEN OUT 53 CENTS FOR NOTHING! AT LEAST THIS WAY HE RECOUPS HIS 55 CENT INVESTMENT AND MAKES A 45 CENT PROFIT!
Announcer: Blinker, your time is up. Do you have another bid or do you relent?
BLK: Um, well, ... I bid 56 cents.
Woman in audience: WOO HOO! Ohmygod Martha! Did you hear what he said????
ST: 57 cents!
Announcer: Whoa! SpaceTime said that with authority! He didn’t use any of his clock time! And he was glaring right at Blinker when he said it!
BLK <turning to face ST> : Fifty-EIGHT >:-#-ing cents! >:-#!
Crowd: Ooooooooooh! Are you gonna let him call you that, SpaceTime?
ST: 59 cents! And oh, btw, >:-# you!
RMS: THEY’RE LETTING THEIR EMOTIONS GET AWAY FROM THEM, BOB! NOT A GOOD STRATEGY! YOU HAVE TO KEEP YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!
Announcer: I know what you mean, RM. But the only thing Blinker CAN do is keep bidding. He’s out 58 cents while getting nothing in return if he stops now. At least SpaceTime makes a 41 cent profit.
BLK <pausing the catch his breath.> : 60 cents.
<The crowd erupts in an explosion of gasps and cheers.>
ST <checking a cheat sheet> : 61 cents!
BLK: Um, I need to take a lifeline.
Announcer: While he does that, we’ll take another break.
“And now, the first release from the upcoming album, ‘Computer Love Songs’ sponsored by NerdTV. I want my NTV!Blinker: My love she throws me like a rubber ball
Blinkettes: Oh oh oh, the sweetest thing
Blinker: But she won't catch me or break my fall
Blinkettes: Oh oh oh, because she’s a WangBlinker: Baby’s not that much in bed
Blinker: But I’ll never cry out loud
Blinker: You know she wants a dry kind of love
Blinkettes: Oh oh oh, the sweetest thingBlinker: I'm losing you
Blinker: I'm losing you
Blinker: Ain't love the sweetest thingBlinker: I wanted to run but she made me crawl
Blinkettes: Oh oh oh, she’s a slow assed Wang
Blinker: Eternal frustration, her memory is so small
Blinkettes: Oh oh, the 286 WangBlinker: I know it’s a surprise,
Blinker: That a computer nerd,
Blinker: Could love one older than Noah’s dove,
Blinkettes: Oh oh oh, the sweetest thingBlinker: I'm losing you
Blinkettes: She was built before the first Super Bowl.
Blinker: I'm losing you
Blinkettes: She’s so old she’s powered by coal.
Blinker: Ain't love the sweetest thingBlinker: Blue-eyed boy meets a brown screened PC
Blinkettes: Oh oh oh, the sweetest thing
Blinker: She takes 4 hours to get online, it’s just not fair
Blinker: Oh oh oh, the sweetest thingBlinker: If one drop of rain falls, I have to go to bed
Blinker: She’s vulnerable to the thundercloud
Blinker: Ours can’t be a stormy kind of love
Blinkettes: Oh oh oh, the sweetest thingALL:
Doo doo doot doot
Doo doo doot doot
Doo doo doot doot
Doot doot doot doot
[Repeat 3x]Blinker: The sweetest thing
ALL: Oh, the sweetest thing”
Announcer: And we’re back.RMS: THINGS ARE HEATING UP, BOB! SPACETIME’S IN A REAL PRESSURE COOKER RIGHT NOW. IT’S TIME FOR HIM TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND PUT UP OR SHUT UP!
Announcer: In other words, it’s SpaceTime’s bid at 99 cents. If he bids 1 dollar he’ll only break even. But if he doesn’t, he’ll be out 98 cents for nothing while Blinker makes a one cent profit.
ST: One dollar.
Woman in front row: Oooooo Hoooooo!! <leaps to her feet and runs up the aisle screaming and waving her hands above her head.> I gotta tell Momma about THIS!!
BLK: So what happens now?
Announcer: If you don’t bid, you’re out 99 cents, for which you’ll receive only a kiss on the back of your neck. Meanwhile SpaceTime will break even.
BLK: But even if I win the bid at 101 cents I’ll lose money!
RMS: THAT’S THE WAY THE COOKIE CRUMBLES!
BLK: So you mean that now we’ll be bidding to see who loses less money?
Announcer: Yep.
BLK: This is a retarded game! Only an abject moron would play this game! ... er ... that didn’t come out right.
Announcer: Last chance to bid.
BLK: 101 cents.
<entire crowd screams and faints>
To be continued...
4
B-N5 P-KR3
Date: 07/06/2001
From: SL4ever
Tufty Spifflepuft,I wanted to discover the origins of Blinkerness so I expended a great amount of time and money tracing your family history back through the ages.
Our first stop is cave man times. The first Blinker was so named because he engaged a big brute named PIE4ever in a staring contest, the prize of which would be the first ever cherry PIE. Blinker the Luczar lost and thus he was named, a name which would hound his descendants through the ages. PIE4ever won and consumed the cherry delight and then bedded Mrs, Blinker, during which he ironically ate his second cherry PIE in two hours.
The next member of the family Blinker of note surfaced in 1000 BC, on the island continent Atlantis. Blinker the Smoker was sucking in a Winston Salem Menthol when some of the smoke got in his eyes. He blinked furiously, rubbing his eyes. Unfortunately he forgot he was holding his cigarette so he burned his forehead. He yelped and tossed the flaming stick away. Even more unfortunately, Blinker was manning the nuclear plant safety board at the time. The cigarette struck the board, set some wires afire, and started a cataclysmic chain of events that resulted in the meltdown of the entire continent and the loss of this futuristic society to the world. We would be far ahead of where we are technologically if not for this nefariously stupid Blinker. Most importantly, we might have visited the moon in the 1700s and avoided the tedious run of “Voyage to the Moon” novels that plagued the world in the late 1800s and early 1900s. Damn Blinker the Smoker to hell.
Sadly, Blinker the Smoker’s children escaped the disaster and settled in France. Several of their descendants would have an impact on French history. Blinker the Chef was walking in a field in 768AD, leaning low and shielding his eyes from the bright sun and noticed a snail. “Hey! Nothing totally nasty to eat is on my menu! Let’s try these! It’s this or pig vomit.” So Blinker the Chef scooped up as many as he could and rushed back to his four star restaurant. Downtown Julie Brown said on E! after a visit to his restaurant that this was the best culinary invention since someone looked at pig testicles and said “why not?” and the escargot rage began. Damn Blinker the Chef to a darker pit of hell than that which Blinker the Smoker resides in. >:-#
His son, Blinker the Chef Salad committed an even more horrible cuisine atrocity. In 802AD he was preparing a sandwich and stared at the salami, Wisconsin Swiss cheese, and lettuce and pondered what else he could add to totally >:-# up a perfectly good sandwich. At that moment someone lit a 75 Watt candle and the sudden flash of light made Blinker the Chef Salad close his eyes and sneeze reflexively. When he opened his eyes he took one look at the resultant snot on his sandwich and said, “Huzzah! I shall duplicate this substance with something only slightly less repulsive!” And thus mayonnaise was born. Damn Blinker the Chef Salad to a pit of hell so dark and punishing that even someone as reprehensible as Tom Green doesn’t deserve it.
The Blinker family’s old nemesis, the PIE family reappeared in 1490. Blinker the Sailor was building a EuroDisney cruise liner that would offer nonstop trips from Brest to India. The maiden voyage of this cruise ship would surely have discovered the New World even if distracted by capering men in Mickey and Goofy suits. Had that occurred, the Blinker family name would resonate throughout history and the string of abject failures and humiliations would have at last been at an end. Imagine, celebrating Blinker Day! Alas, it was not to be so. One night Blinker the Sailor lost a marathon 7 day dollar auction to PIE4Sailor and had to sign over the almost completed boat. PIE4Sailor had all the mice and funny looking dog suits burned and turned the boat into a floating palace dedicated to greed, lust, and PIEs that had no equal until the Clinton White House years. Columbus went on to discover the New World, and Blinker the Sailor worked on garbage barges the rest of his embittered years.
In 1794 Blinker the Reporter caused the French Revolution when he wrote in the French National Inquirer that Marie had said, “let them eat cake” when in fact she had said, “I don’t give a >:-# WHAT they eat!” That would have been palatable to the masses because they were used to their royalty not caring about them. But to suggest to them eating the hideous French cake; loaded as it was with snails, pig vomit, and mayonnaise; was torture and the enraged masses stormed the palace and the Revolution had begun. Two years later Blinker the Reporter started the first internet scandal website, made millions reporting on former President Washington’s Pledge habit (“I just use it for my teeth! It doesn’t make me high, I swear!”), on Ben Franklin’s love for “air baths” (“I came in to change his linens and he was sitting there neekid as a Jaybird! All wrinkly and flabby. I had the fright of me life.”), and Joan of Arc’s frequent appearances on refrigerator doors (“It’s not mold, I tell you! I think she likes to be near cool things, which is understandable. I saw her inside the freezer once on an Uncle Ben’s microwavable rice bowl package!”). Unfortunately, he lost everything in the 1829 Wall Street crash and finished his life writing code for such horrible video games as “Rocky and Bullwinkle go to Vegas” and “Multiplayer Tic Tac Toe.” Unbeknownst to Blinker the Reporter, PIE4Scandal bought the floundering website and turned it into the world’s first PIEporn and sleazy scandal website.
In 1851 Blinker the Weasel created false advertising, and for this he should be flogged with woven strands of his own thick, oily backhair. It all happened when he was shopping at WalMart’s food section. The fluorescent lights were too bright and Blinker was repeatedly blinking and didn’t get a good look at the box of breakfast pastries he put in his cart. It wasn’t until he got home and was unloading his SUV that he noticed what he had grabbed was not the tasty Chocolate Pop Tarts with happy sprinkles on them but instead a box of the horrid, repugnant affliction upon mankind commonly known as Toast ‘Ems. After casting this box of bready and icingy evil to the ground, stomping it until it was the consistency of what it tastes like, mud (or worse), Blinker the Weasel fell to his knees and screamed “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” with all his might. Breakfast was in 8 hours, he had orange juice and a bowl of cherries cooling in the fridge and NO Pop Tarts! Then he had a thought so foul that I risk my very immortal soul merely by relating it here. “What if instead of purchasing the wrong food item because I had my eyelids shielded against the intense lights ... I had bought the wrong thing because the picture on the box made it look so much more appetizing than it really was?” Blinker the Weasel made millions. Among other outrages he was able to sell Dolphin offal by putting pictures on the box suggesting it was angel food cake. Unfortunately he lost his entire fortune in a dollar auction against PIE4PIE who turned the marketing empire into a way to dispose of the worst PIEs on the planet (Rhubarb, Grape, and Cantaloupe) while making a profit. Blinker the Weasel died a couple years later after he purchased and used without turning on the bathroom light what the packaging had made him think was a toothbrush but what was in reality a cordless drill.
To be continued...
5
B-R4 B-N2
Date: 07/06/2001
From: SL4ever
BLK: 2 dollars and 35 cents.RMS: OUTSTANDING BID, BOB! THIS WAY HE’LL ONLY LOSE $1.35 WHILE SPACETIME WILL LOSE $2.34!
ST <checking cheatsheet> : $2.36.
Announcer <sighing> : We'll be right back after a few more flames.
6
P-K3 B-N5ch
Date: 07/06/2001
From: SL4ever
Tufty Spifflepuft,Noon draws nigh. To celebrate the halfway point in this contest, let us continue our look into The Blinker Family’s incompetent and woeful past.
It was a dark and stormy night. Well, okay, dark, not stormy. Blinker the Cold was manning the lookout post with PIE4Brrrr on the Titanic. PIE4Brrrr went down to the Pizza Hut on B Deck to get a pizza PIE, leaving Blinker the Cold watching out for iceberg and ice queens. He spotted Sharon Stone, Jessica Alba, and Kate Winslett but no icebergs. I’m sure you’re way ahead of me, so I won’t belabor it. Blinker blinked at the wrong moment and the ship hit the iceberg. This set into motion the disastrous series of events that resulted in Celon Dion’s song being played to DEATH for two >:-#-ing years! The tragic loss of life on that night was nothing compared to the tragedy of this shrill harpy having two years of adoration and the pain of hearing her belt out this song with the single minded sadism of the worst Nazi torturer. Damn Blinker the Cold to the worst pit of hell of all, the one residing under Satan’s left testicle. Worst of all, Blinker the Cold survived the sinking and swam to Canada, starting the Blinker family's presence in that great country that continues to this day.
Two years later, Blinker the Cold’s brother, Blinker the Moron, was in Sarajevo. He was sitting on the curb of a road, showing his buddies how to load a pistol. “Sometimes the bullets don’t want to go all the way in.” Blinker the Moron explained. “Then what I do is take this ball peen hammer and MAKE them go all the way in the chambers!” He picked up a hammer and demonstrated. Two of the cartridges went off as a car passed by. Archduke Franz Ferdinand slumped over his carseat as his wife (also shot) screamed. Sadly, it was the shot that was heard round the world, not her scream. In any case, this set into motion the disastrous series of events that resulted in delicious mustard being used to kill people rather than augment crispy french fries and hot pockets. This outrageous blasphemy is reason enough to place Blinker the Moron right next to his brother! (Satan has large testicles, easily accommodating two horrid prisoners.)
In 1948, Blinker the Clown was working as a short order cook during the day and an adult clown at night. One day he came home exhausted and fell asleep on the bed still wearing his clown suit. He overslept and had to rush to work at the diner without changing. He fried potatoes, careful his big clown shoes didn’t make him stumble into the grill. He made hamburgers and cheeseburgers, careful to keep his floppy hat thrown back. What he was not careful about was allowing the patrons to see him. One Irish customer spied him delivering a hamburger and yellow gravy sandwich to the counter in his clown suit and an idea bloomed in the patron’s mind. This set into motion the disastrous series of events that resulted in Big Macs, McNuggets, and McPizza, three of the worst food inventions since someone looked an animal’s ripped out liver and said, “why not?” For this affront, hell is not good enough for Blinker the Clown. I pray that when he dies he goes to Panda Hell, where he will be forced to shovel the Panda >:-# that is excreted in large amounts while the evil Pandas suffer under hot lights and are not allowed to remove their lush fur coats.
That brings us to the current generation of the Blinker family. I will expound on Blinker the Muffin and his son, our Blinker, better known as Blinker the Winest, in the final post of this series later today.
He
Will Fuck You Like Superman
Date: 07/06/2001
From: TheHeraldTribune
HICKSTICKS, NORTH CAROLINA (Reuters)A man tentatively identified as infamous libertine S. L. 4ever was spotted -- or should we say, his victim was -- in the act of sexual assault this afternoon. The wounded party, an endangered owl, could only emit a series of squawks which put Hicksticks police chief Elmer Neubergh in mind of the inner groove to "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."
"You hear that? It sounds like he's going, 'Never could see any other way,'" commented Neubergh as a loop of the owl's taped statement filled his office. "And when you play it backwards, it starts talking about Superman fucking people. If you've ever read Larry Niven's essay on the matter, you can understand why the owl's so fucking pissed off."
Locals were not amused. "All this man cares about is PIE, exacting revenge on SpaceTime, and winning the flaming crown," accused an aggrieved Hicksticks resident. "The 'flaming crown' being his quaint term for gonorrhea, and PIE being an acronym for 'Penile Ichneumon Enarthrosis.' Trust me, you don't wanna know."
Reached by telephone -- the children's game, not the implement of communication -- at his residence, a lichen-encrusted cardboard box behind Fezzo's Pizzeria and Crocodile Porn Shoppe, 4ever was heard mumbling about his "upmost [sic] honor." We can only assume he is referring to his prehensile anus, as his more conventional sexual organ has not been reported erect since the Truman administration (the Presidency, not the current phase of ToFGaL.)
Other statements reportedly made by the Evangelist of Egotism, the Sultan of Self-Aggrandizement, the Torme-Tough-Talking Peckinpah-Posterior-Polluter, and the Abuser of Alliteration included threats to dig up George Burns' corpse only to "pimp slap" it and to smoke a dead woman's ashes in his "pipe." "All par for the course," sighed Neubergh. "This brotherfucker is WHACKED. And I don't just mean by a whip held by a Keebler Elf dressed in artist Jana Sterbak's 'Vanitas' meat dress."
SEE 'NAMBLA DENIES COMPLICITY,' PAGE A2
The
Deconstruction of Falling Stars
Date: 07/06/2001
From: Blinker
"O Sir, we quarrel in print, by the book, as you have books for good manners. I will name you the degrees. The first, the Retort Courteous; the second, the Quip Modest; the third, the Reply Churlish; the fourth, the Reproof Valiant; the fifth, the Countercheck Quarrelsome; the sixth, the Lie with Circumstance; the seventh, the Lie Direct."
- Shakespeare, As You Like It"Methink thou art a general offence, and every man should beat thee. I think thou wast created for men to breathe themselves upon you."
- Shakespeare, All's Well That Ends Well[ shakes head sadly ]
I'd expected so much more out of you, SL4ever. You've always been known for putting out so much... at least when Dick "Gets Hard" Gephardt is around. Instead, what am I treated to? A mountain of witless meanderings that serve to insult NOTHING but the intelligence of your audience.
Seriously, what the hell are YOU doing quoting The Tempest? As obvious as the Herald-Tribune article made it that you indeed have no "long spoon," the fact remains that the only Bard output you've ever laid eyes on was "Hamlet." And even THEN, you only made it halfway through the Dramatis Personae before realizing the guy's name was "HORatio," not "FELLatio" as your English teacher had promised in a vain effort to get you to read something other than the operating instructions for your favourite mongoose-shaped vibrator.
Honestly, the funniest post in your canon is the Nostradamus one -- and not because of anything you SAY about your opponent, mind you. The entire flame content of your post, Winnifred, boils down to "Blinker is the Antichrist. The Antichrist is BAD." My GOODNESS, you're creative! And hey, how'd you EVER come up with the notion of the Antichrist being evil?!
No, the sole reason I'm so entertained by "2 P-QB4 P-K3" (a title derived not from a chess match as you would have us believe, but from the ridiculous attempt at Fortran code you once devised in an effort to design the world's first digitally simulated romantic encounter between a wolf spider and a piece of Gouda cheese) is that its internal logic is on a par with that of a calculator hand-assembled by George W. Bush while being orally pleasured by a ewe. Simply put, the post is BAD.
> The sky is a metaphor for the internet.
Yes. OF COURSE! Thank you for your insight, sir! You draw, of course, on the vast number of parallels that exist between the World Wide Web and the azure expanse above us, namely:
1) They're both big.
J) The sky has airplanes in it. The Net has *sites* about airplanes on it!
kappa) They both house close-knit communities of individuals sharing like-minded interests.
ax^2 + bx + c = 0) They both dump rain and snow on peopl..... wait, scratch that last couple.> And who is the king of the Mongols? One interpretation
> is that it is me. I've been called Mongolian on more
> than one occasion and I flame better than any Mongol
> horde.Right! Just like a Hoover vacuum cleaner is congruent to J. Edgar, because it's been called "Hoover" on multiple occasions and sucks lint and crumbs from the floor more efficiently than he EVER could. How DO you do it, SL?
Dude, even HAKAVONN had disdain for your post. And he accomplished this over a YEAR before it was written.
http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/19558
Let's face it. You're as unsuited to compete in this Tournament as you were at your last job interview for the position of Executive (sorry, E X E C U T I V E) Pubic Hair Trimmer.
Shit, I don't even think you OWN a suit.
In fact, Yeardley, the only reason you even signed up for ToFGaL to begin with is because you misheard its name as "Tough Gal," the appellation you've bestowed upon the current recipient of your "Engelbert Humper-Dick"'s limp but relentless favours. Now you've had some offbeat partners in your time, Ernestine, but C'MON. This latest lick o' lovin' has really put your brain into "neutral," if you catch my drift:
http://www.earth62.net/epguide/ep_pressone23.JPG
That's right, I've got ALL the photos. And before the implications of the late John Lennon in his trademark walrus costume rushing towards you and your lover, arms outstretched, in the lower-right quadrant of that frame incapacitate me... I'll leave you with one final thought.
I am unspeakably disappointed in the intellectual capacity you've shown us today, StimulatingLophophores4ever. You are no longer the man of BRILLIANCE AND WIT we of the Board once took you for... but then again, what could we expect from someone who puts the "dick" into "dictionary" so often the word "jozxyqk" was coined in his honour?
- Blinker 7>:-I
http://slidersweb.net/blinker
A
Race Through Dark Places
Date: 07/06/2001
From: Blinker
I too recently experienced an urge to plumb the depths of my nemesis' genealogical heritage. It mercifully passed once I remembered the man's goat-like facial features and lumpy brown rivulets of sweat (for every pore on his disease-ravaged body is in fact its own, self-contained miniature anus, rendering the simple daily act of combing his back hair an epiphany of pan-rectal stimulation), but not before I had uncovered the sickening biographies of three of his *less* disreputable ancestors. Printed below in the interests of full disclosure are their tales...=====
Og4_g'Nog (Neanderthal)
The earliest recorded member of the SL4 line -- not that his lineage is anything LIKE a line; thanks to some very peculiar inbreeding patterns, it better resembles a Japanese Kanji character crossed with an aphid-ridden Russian Olive tree -- was present at the cavemen's discovery of the alien Monolith, as set down in Arthur C. Clarke's documentary work "2001: A Space Odyssey." Clarke described the monolith as encouraging cognitive development among the ape-men by rewarding them with an 'almost sexual intensity' of pleasure. Not to be outdone by his fellows in the Black Pleasure Rod Lovin' Department, Og4 resolutely mounted the apex of the sleek, stone sentinel... and fucked himself silly until his perineum was a dead ringer for a blood-soaked bean bag target board.
Og's climactic adventure (not his Clamato adventure... that's an entirely different story involving Camryn Manheim's diaphragm, a lead pipe inscribed with the phrase "P.J. LUVS DRIP" and Mr. Mot from "Star Trek") would be mirrored in the twentieth century by SL4ever's adventure atop African-American porn star Nestor Q. O'Toole.
"Nestor." Oh, don't even get me STARTED on SL4's *Blackbird* adventure. Let's just say he took those "broken wings" and learned to "fly"... from the ASPCA, for the remainder of his miserable, absinthe-drenched life.
=====
Sluh 4ennnnvrr (Homo Erectus)
Hey, the nomenclature pretty much speaks for itself, BUT(T)...
Ol' Sluh was best known for his primitive orgies at which horses would be sexually pillaged by angry dwarves wearing anachronistic angora sweaters. His life's parallel to that of the SL we know involves Tim Allen's ankle, a handkerchief stuffed up an old woman's nose and passed off as a substance called "teleplasma," and Mr. Ed's peanut-butter-enhanced gums -- but let's just leave you with a memento of that night. Here's SL's alternative personality "PFKAS" ("Parasites Fill Knobby Anal Sphincter," as if you wanted to know) making clear just what "goes down" on his side of the "hood"... the "hood" being that of the lice-infested, moth-ravaged winter coat that SL wears at *ALL* times, insisting that its MAGIC guards him from evil spirits:
http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/1095/1168/19
=====
Surgical Lothario 4ever (c. 4000 BC)
This ancient Egyptian freak developed a rather novel method of delivering "embalming fluid" into the veins of dead Pharaohs. When his furtive pleasures were discovered, he was sentenced to death in the pyramid of King Tryops at the mandibles of a genetically enhanced, man-eating scarab spider (hey, it WAS the newly deified Pharoah Execukhamen who was doing the sentencing.) "Sergey" -- or as he'd be predictably apt to spell it, "Sir Gay" -- 4ever's death marked the end of his family history... until 6,000 years later, when a semen sample recovered from Tryops' carotid artery was employed by scientists even stupider than the ones in "Jurassic Park" to generate a *cloned* SL4ever. However, this beast -- created in Indianapolis in approximately 1968 -- was at birth assigned the name of...
=====
Dammit, describing this shit is devouring my brain faster than SL4ever can devour a 20-day-old hamburger slathered in belly button pickings. I think we're all in agreement that a quick break would serve the interests of the board's collective sanity. We'll return to learn the modern SL4ever's true identity after these messages...
- Blinker 7:-O
http://slidersweb.net/blinker
7
QN-Q2 P-KN4
Date: 07/06/2001
From: SL4ever
“Let the loss of our friends be our only grief, and the apprehension of displeasing them our only fear.”
-W. S. LandorI see you've finally posted a second attack, I'll get a strong drink and force myself to read it in a minute. But first, a reply to your first attack.
And I return your displeasure, sir. Speaking of expecting a lot ... I have always considered you one of the three funniest people alive so it was eager anticipation that I awaited your first attacks. Your sense of humor has always been rich with intelligence and subtly. Your wit has been sharp and direct but never base. After that 3rd grade mud slinging fest we endured the other day I was looking forward to artful fencing.
So shocked was I at the baseness and intellectual inferiority of your first valid attack that I literally looked back at the top of the post to ensure that SpaceTime had not created a B1inker handle and was masquerading as you. I couldn’t believe it. Blinker has been reduced to that disgraceful cesspool of Pee Wee Herman insults and SpaceTime level bathroom humor? Indeed, you borrowed so much from his style, with all the homoerotic insults and capitalized words, your next post should be under the handle SpaceBlinker. This is like Vivaldi writing a Crest toothpaste jingle. This is like Tracy Torme working with Howard Stern. It is an abomination.
Very well. Tufty Spifflepuft is flaming like a watered down cross between SpaceTime and a Def Comedy Jam reject. I’m shocked and appalled but it will make you easier to defeat so it’s not a bad thing. To think that I actually considered for a half second the possibility that you might win this match. At your best it would have been close and you might have won. But this dumbed down, public access television version of Blinker has no more a prayer of defeating me than TIP would.
Recall requested a MSTing, so let’s get started, shall we?
>I'd expected so much more out of you, SL4ever. You've >always been known for putting out so much... at least
>when Dick "Gets Hard" Gephardt is around.Oh no! Are you implying that I’m gay? <stifles a tear> I’m so wounded!
>Instead, what am I treated to? A mountain of witless >meanderings that serve to insult NOTHING but the >intelligence of your audience.
So you respond with flimsy bathroom jokes and gay jabs. I am in awe of your logic.
>Seriously, what the hell are YOU doing quoting The Tempest?
Show me one comedic scene where Shakespeare mentions a Dick “Gets Hard” Anybody and I’ll give you a point for this remark.
And I was not trying to imply that I’m a lifetime Shakespeare zealot. It was one short quote, which you felt the “my brain is bigger than yours” need to respond to with two longer quotes. Does this mean I’m to be treated to two W. S. Landor quotes now? To spare you further embarrassment, I’ll stipulate that you’re capable of locating two such appropriate quotes and ask that you eliminate that from your next reply.
>As obvious as the Herald-Tribune article made it that you >indeed have no "long spoon,"
The reply, though still written while channeling the baser flamers we’ve seen on this board, was at least mildly amusing. Too bad only the posts under our main handles count.
>the fact remains that the only Bard output you've ever >laid eyes on was "Hamlet." And even THEN, you only made >it halfway through the Dramatis Personae before realizing >the guy's name was "HORatio," not "FELLatio" as your >English teacher had promised in a vain effort to get you >to read something other than the operating instructions >for your favourite mongoose-shaped vibrator.
That wouldn’t make me gay, would it? Ironically, the three SL4ever is gay implications so far have already exceeded the homoerotic output generated by SpaceTime, the mostly latently gay flamer the board has ever been afflicted with, during his entire 5,000+ word flame round with me. I never dreamed that good ole Tufty would sink so low.
>Honestly, the funniest post in your canon is the >Nostradamus one -- and not because of anything you SAY >about your opponent, mind you.
Um, are aware of how much of a jackass someone looks like if they refer to themselves in the third person? Apparently not.
>The entire flame content of your post, Winnifred, boils >down to "Blinker is the Antichrist. The Antichrist is >BAD." My GOODNESS, you're creative! And hey, how'd you >EVER come up with the notion of the Antichrist being >evil?!
Is that what you got out of it? Maybe if you’d give the Caps Lock key a rest for a second (as I mentioned, yet another echo of SpaceTime) you’d move past the obvious. But it’s obvious that I’ve given your reading comprehension skills far too much credit
>No, the sole reason I'm so entertained by "2 P-QB4 P-K3"
Was because you were enraptured by the pretty patterns the symbols on the screen made. Simple minds, simple pleasures.
>(a title derived not from a chess match as you would have >us believe, but from the ridiculous attempt at Fortran >code you once devised in an effort to design the world's >first digitally simulated romantic encounter between a >wolf spider and a piece of Gouda cheese)
The only glimpse of the true Blinker in this entire attack! Most of your faculties were obviously preoccupied by the Head Grater being sold on QVC while you wrote this, but this shows that you are capable of more than boy school humor.
>is that its internal logic is on a par with that of a >calculator hand-assembled by George W. Bush while being >orally pleasured by a ewe. Simply put, the post is BAD.
Of course you put it simply. I would expect one of your intellectual limits to put something no other way.
“> The sky is a metaphor for the internet.”
>Yes. OF COURSE! Thank you for your insight, sir!
I think you need to go back and review what you’ve written in this round so far before you even dream of taking a condescending tone with me, mister.
>You draw, of course, on the vast number of parallels that >exist between the World Wide Web and the azure expanse >above us, namely:
>1) They're both big.
>J) The sky has airplanes in it. The Net has *sites* about >airplanes on it!
>kappa) They both house close-knit communities of >individuals sharing like-minded interests.
>ax^2 + bx + c = 0) They both dump rain and snow on >peopl..... wait, scratch that last couple.That’s okay, I forgive you. Given your limitations it’s an honest mistake. I’ll even forgive your inability to number a list. It is all very understandable.
“> And who is the king of the Mongols? One interpretation
> is that it is me. I've been called Mongolian on more
> than one occasion and I flame better than any Mongol
> horde. “>Right! Just like a Hoover vacuum cleaner is congruent to >J. Edgar, because it's been called "Hoover" on multiple >occasions and sucks lint and crumbs from the floor more >efficiently than he EVER could. How DO you do it, SL?
I work with what I have. This stretch was not my strongest moment, but even the most mediocre flamer would comment on this so don’t expect me to congratulate you. If you had missed this I would have brought it up myself just to revel in your gross incompetence.
>Dude, even HAKAVONN had disdain for your post. And he >accomplished this over a YEAR before it was written.
>http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/19558
Tufty, tufty. I know that your adoring mass expect you to post links, but are you really sitting here trying to use Hakavonn’s opinion to attack me??? He’s not the most retarded person to ever grace the board but he’s damned close. What’s next? A link to RealRealSlider where he said two years ago that anyone who writes about dollar auctions is stupid? Good God, man, if you need help from other people to defeat me at least throw a lifeline to people with more than two brain cells.
>Let's face it. You're as unsuited to compete in this >Tournament as you were at your last job interview for the >position of Executive (sorry, E X E C U T I V E) Pubic >Hair Trimmer.
Oh, I get it, you’re trying to imply I would want to shave his genitals. I simply must be gay. Medic! I need a bandage here quick! He’s struck a blow!
>Shit, I don't even think you OWN a suit.
Oh my God. What is this, open mike night at a comedy club? What are you going to “even think” of next? “You’re so fat you have your own ZIP Code.”
>In fact, Yeardley, the only reason you even signed up for >ToFGaL to begin with is because you misheard its name >as "Tough Gal," the appellation you've bestowed upon the >current recipient of your "Engelbert Humper-Dick"'s limp >but relentless favours. Now you've had some offbeat >partners in your time, Ernestine, but C'MON. This latest >lick o' lovin' has really put your brain into "neutral," >if you catch my drift:
>http://www.earth62.net/epguide/ep_pressone23.JPG
Thank you so much for posting a link that would get me the hell out of this cesspool of an attack. I was tempted to stay at the woefully unamusing picture because even something that lame was better than being subjected to endless ineffectual innuendoes. But I forced myself to return and brave the rest of this, the worst thing you have ever written.
>That's right, I've got ALL the photos. And before the >implications of the late John Lennon in his trademark >walrus costume rushing towards you and your lover, arms >outstretched, in the lower-right quadrant of that frame >incapacitate me... I'll leave you with one final thought.
I don’t think your bizarre John Lennon fantasies are incapacitating you. I would venture to say that you drank a gallon of hundred proof hooch before diving to the bottom of the intellectual swamp to write this crap. Something has obviously affected your wit as well as your judgment. If not alcohol perhaps you’ve been spending too much time reading Dorky. Or maybe it was your bizarre John Lennon fantasies.
>I am unspeakably disappointed in the intellectual capacity >you've shown us today, StimulatingLophophores4ever.
Is the kind of “humor” you’ve demonstrated thus far what passes for intelligent in your cavernous skull? I might add that the next time you’re unspeakably disappointed, don’t speak of it.
>You are no longer the man of BRILLIANCE AND WIT we of the >Board once took you for... but then again, what could we >expect from someone who puts the "dick" into "dictionary" >so often the word "jozxyqk" was coined in his honour?
I get it. Dick sounds like the beginning of dictionary. Ha ha. Very good. Still, I have to admit I’d rather a dick go into a dictionary than any of the other places you’ve been talking about.
>- Blinker 7>:-I
>http://slidersweb.net/blinkerThat you would put your name below such a repugnantly inept post is a disgrace. I call to everyone to use the link he offers and visit his website for countless examples of how much better he is capable of doing.
“You have been weighed. You have been measured. And you have been found lacking.”
-Count Adhemar
8
B-N3 P-N5
Date: 07/06/2001
From: SL4ever
BLK: $143.23!<the crowd has long since gone home. One custodian, sweeping far from the stage, doesn't look around.>
Announcer: Yippee.
<RMScream's head is buried in his hands on the table. Occassionaly a snore emits from him.>
ST: Whatever's next.
BLK: Woo Hoo!!! $143.25!!
9
P-QR3 PxN
Date: 07/06/2001
From: SL4ever
Tufty Spifflepuft,Before reading the sewer spawned "A Race Through Dark Places" attack I intended to MSTie it as well. But since it amounts to nothing more than 150 different renditions of the mind numbingly uninspired "Ha ha! SL4ever's gay!" angle there is no reason to respond. This was an attack so depressingly unfitting one of your talent that it riffs itself. For lessor flamers it would probably score high but someone like you is held to a much higher standard. Sadly, you again failed miserably to reach that standard.
Considering the way you are embarassing yourself, there is no need to respond to your prattle. So I'll return to the offensive and let you sink further and further into a humiliating caricature of yourself.
And
Now For a Word
Date: 07/06/2001
From: Blinker
"My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them."
- Penn Jillette"...wicked men are happier when they pay the penalty for their wickedness than when they receive no penalty at the hands of justice."
- Boethius, "The Consolation of Philosophy" (what else?)SL4ever, you must be the happiest man on Earth today... whoa, hey, I said EARTH, not EARTHA KITT! 7:-O
=====
BOB SAGET [from the set of "America's Fullest House Videos"]: Have you ever wished you could share in the secret of my debonair sex appeal?
SALLY STRUTHERS [spread across a massive loveseat, feeding herself chocolate éclairs]: Do you lay awake at night wishing you resembled a particularly elephantine rendering of one those succulent, aptly named "jizz wailers" entertaining Jabba the Hutt in "Return of the Jedi"?
TOM GREEN: You bet! Especially the blue o-- fuck, I'm on?! Uh... have you ever wanted to attract the amorous attentions of a roadkilled moose?
ANNOUNCER: Well now you can, thanks to self-proclaimed gourmet god SL4ever's RECIPE BOOK O' JOY™! Just take one look at some of the fantastic formulas contained herein and we GUARANTEE you'll be picking up the phone faster than this book's author can whip up an ice cream confection with urine in place of maple syrup and toenails in place of chocolate chips!
[pause]
ANNOUNCER: Additionally, the ice cream itself is chilled saliva mixed with melted flesh!
[ The following recipe is flashed across the screen. The timing of this little fucker was one miserable little bastard for SL4 Inc. to manhandle: it had to remain onscreen long enough not to be deemed a subliminal message under the law, while simultaneously vanishing faster than any representative of the law could detect it. ]
INGREDIENTS
• One litre of cement
• Three hamster skulls
• A knitted sock enclosing a live earwig
• The spleen of a virgin wearing a vest
• Two eggs
• One of the boots from Jeri Ryan's PVC catsuit
• A chicken whose head has been bitten off by Alice Cooper (Moon Unit Zappa will do in a pinch)
• One Crayola wax crayon (preferably "Burnt Ember"... oh, and leave the wrapping on)
• A Chinese lantern
• Five prosthetic silver tongues that once belonged to pirates
• A handful of playground sand
• Actor Richard Belzer
• Peckinballs' Peck 'n Balls
• Three tonnes of coral reef
• 10cc's semen (not the unit of measure, but the music group)
• One cup of sugarDIRECTIONS
1) Place all ingredients inside your mouth. Hey, if you're not ALREADY bigger than the Beatles, what are you doing whipping up THIS recipe?! Buy the book and start from the beginning!
2) Swallow. Again, all devotees of the SL4EVER WAY™ should be EXPERTS at THIS!ANNOUNCER: Call now! Operators are standing by... well, actually they're just sorta squatting while trying to cram sixty trout into their nether regions, but who're we to fuss? Buy SL4ever's RECIPE BOOK O' JOY™ and learn how YOU TOO can achieve the glorious heights our leader has! I'll give you a hint... you have to achieve his widths first!
DIRECTOR: Aaaaaaand... cut. Perfect!
[ The lights dim. ]
TOM GREEN [typing at a computer]: Hey guys, come check this out! I just looked up the Star Wars "Jizz Wailers" on the Internet.
[ http://www.starwarssource.net/GGOC/max_rebo_band.php ]
SALLY STRUTHERS: :-P~~~~~~~~~
TOM GREEN: Listen to this. "The deal only benefited Max Rebo himself, as he was literally obsessed with food. Like many of his kind, food is a godlike substance, not to under-exaggerate."
BOB SAGET: Wait a minute... :-O
TOM GREEN: "Ortolans of all kinds are food fanatics, with no other love. Max Rebo was born on Orto, and since he loves food, he loves nothing else, and is mostly incompetent at anything other than playing an instrument, and eating. Therefore, Max Rebo tends to dedicate his life to eating and playing."
[ At precisely that moment, SL4ever enters. He is simultaneously slamming a feces milkshake with unidentifiable mauve lumps, perusing the latest issue of "Pee-Wee's Penthouse," and, well... "playing his instrument." ]
[ Tom Green, Sally Struthers, and Bob Saget share a look of slowly dawning comprehension. ]
SALLY STRUTHERS: Oh. My--
TOM GREEN: HOLY SHIT!!!
[ SL4ever climaxes, emitting an eerie, loon-like wail. A small section of his pasty-white face makeup crumbles, revealing a decidedly blue-tinted snout. ]
BOB SAGET: Yep, that about does it.
[ The four of them look at each other. ]
TOM GREEN [jumping SL4ever]: MAKE WILD LOVE TO US, YOU SEXY ELEPHANT-MAN-THING, YOU!
SALLY STRUTHERS [burying her head in his crotch]: MMMMFFF
=====
And on that note, I think we'll skip the next fourteen hours of footage and return to our regularly scheduled program...
- Blinker 7:-O
http://slidersweb.net/blinker"In bodily size will you ever surpass the elephant?"
- Boethius again!
10
PxB PxP
Date: 07/06/2001
From: SL4ever
"Why"Written and squawked by Blinker
Why God, Why?
Why must I always be so alone?
Never to hear the ring of the phone.Call me a Jester, call me a fool...
more worthless than an elephant’s stool.Call me a shut-in, call me a recluse...
Doomed ever to be socially obtuse.Just be sure to never ever call me...
away from my beloved PC.Why God, Why?
Why must I be so isolated?
just one friend would leave me elated.When I called up Roxanne...
she was not a Blinker fan.When I called up Sue...
she’d rather paint her hair blue.When I called up Tammy...
she told me to kiss her fanny.Why God, Why?
Sniff, I guess I’ll never know.
Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?And why are there so many songs about rainbows?
Laa, da daa dee da daa daa,
La laa la la laa dee daa doo...
11
BxNP BxB
Date: 07/06/2001
From: SL4ever
<ST tries to say something but collapses in a limp heap>Announcer: SpaceTime, you have to bid or you lose. Going once, going twice, YOU LOSE! Blinker is the winner!
BLK: WOO HOO WOO HOO WOO HOO!!!!!!
Eye Candy Girl: Here is your prize, a crisp new one dollar bill. <hands it over>
BLK: WOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!! 7:-P~~~~~~~
Announcer: And now, you owe us $1,456,602.23. Cash or credit card is fine.
BLK: 7:-O
Announcer: Oh no, not again. Not another moron in over his head?
BLK: Um, I’ll be right back with the money. Just lemme go to my car.
Chief Wiggum: Cuff ‘em boys. Put him in a cell with Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Peckinballs. Each hour of conversation with them will count as one dollar paid off.
BLK: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
12
R-KN1 B-N2
Date: 07/06/2001
From: SL4ever
Tufty Spifflepuft,So our battle comes to a close. I’d like to say that I enjoyed it, but I’d also like to say that Peckinpunk is stuck executive producing “Shaq: The Cartoon.” Unfortunately neither is the case because the level of competition was far below what I expected. I built a huge lead from the opening bell and your pitiful attempts to mount a comeback were sabotaged by a mediocre imagination and far too much reliance on SpaceTime cloning. Even the desperate defense mounted in your first attack was derivative of SpaceTime’s desperate first defense against me with your high-pitched “that’s not flaming!” and “out of the mountain of words only one post was amusing” comments. You ended up with one marginally amusing attack out of the entire bunch, that when you finally drifted a little (but unfortunately not very far) from the bottom of the sewer. The rest of your attacks can be summed up in three simple words. “SL4ever is Gay!” True, you taxed your circumscribed imagination by illustrating those three words in various different ways but when it’s all boiled down you just kept parroting the same concept over and over and over. The best illustration of your bankrupt imagination that I can give is that you had to plunder one of my attacks (the lineage one of course) to come up with your second attack. Imitation can be the greatest form or flattery, or it can indicate poor spontaneity. Neither case makes you look good.
Your only attempt at defense (with the limping explanation that only that post deserved a defense) was against one post out of the myriad of varied and imaginative attacks I aimed at you. It’s easy to dismiss attacks as unworthy of defense (what I did with you was different because you were just repeating yourself) but in reality you couldn’t mount the time nor the effort into defending yourself from assault from all points on the compass. So you retreated to the gay foxhole and kept your head below the firing line for the remainder of the day, peering out only to toss the occasional weak retort. That is not defense, that is knowing you have already lost before you fired a shot and saving face with a couple hurried volleys.
I had much more in reserve but it has become obvious that my first 5 attacks alone are enough to win me this contest. If there is any remaining doubts in anyone’s mind, my devastating counterattack to your first pitiful effort should put those to rest. Since the rest was repetitive except for one attack, and that is still not enough to equal the first devastating blows, I have clear sailing to victory.
You have been weighed. You have been measured. You have been found wanting.
Enjoy your departure from this tourney.
Gong!
Date: 07/07/2001
From: Recall317
"And time has expired!" exclaimed DieselFukaiKenji. "Our contestants will now present their creations to our judges. Once they have made their decision, the judges will send their rankings to the Chairman at trumano18@yahoo.com The same point scale and rules from previous rounds remain in effect."Chairman Kaga317 would like to congratulate both his Iron Flamer and his most worthy challenger on a fight well done. He eagerly awaits announcing the victor.
A
Late Delivery From Avalon
Date: 07/07/2001
From: Blinker
As has been its custom since time immemorial...http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/17490
...my internet access crapped out at about 10 PM last night. Whether admissible or not, I should like to post my final statement in the battle immediately following this post.
Sure, it blows that SL doesn't get a chance to rebut it... but given half a chance, I'd have posted at 11:59, accomplishing the same effect. The actual disadvantage lays entirely with me, as the post was scripted without any knowledge or awareness of the posts after "And Now For a Word" (I still have yet to read them.)
Anyway... yeah.
- Blinker: once again, utterly exhausted 7:-O
http://slidersweb.net/blinker
Midnight
on the Firing Line
Date: 07/07/2001
From: Blinker
"Bobby Knight told me this: 'There is nothing that a good defense cannot beat a better offense.' In other words a good offense wins."
- Dan Quayle"Have you learned NOTHING?!"
- El Sid=====
INTERSECTIONS IN REAL TIME
=====So, it finally comes to pass that we are online simultaneously to trade our slashes (and I refer NOT to your "Go-Bots" fanfiction, Yentl.) I can only assume, Lesley, as I read the TRAVESTY of wit that is "7 QN-Q2 P-KN4" (spare me...) that you are suspending all disbelief and sense of rationality in order to condemn my posts. Really, I'm supposed to believe for a second that someone who considers using the handle "SL4Beaver" to be remotely amusing is ABOVE fucking bathroom humour?!
But then, I have PROOF that you have enjoyed my style of flame in the past, when it was NOT directed at your ashtray-scented carcass...
"Blinker's [TOPO] post, which won, was fabulous."
- http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/22171
Face it, your abruptly developed disdain for the well-honed gutterjab is as transparent an affectation as your squirrel-infested, polonium-oozing toupée. Hey, I guess we could say that you're lying like a rug!
Ugh. Let's take this line by line... much like your afterschool "tutoring" sessions with Tiny Tim and Tommy Tutone...
=====
BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY
=====Your sense of humor has always been rich with intelligence and subtly.
>>> Much as I appreciate the compliment, I'd like one that makes a lick of sense a great deal more. And if you could find me one that doesn't come from someone whose idea of idle pleasantries is to engage the seal pups in foreplay first... gold.
Your wit has been sharp and direct
>>> This isn't flaming; this is a match struck so weakly it didn't even SPARK being BLOWN ON in a vain attempt to get some fire!
>>> Aww, shit, I said "blown ON," not... oh, just throw out the match, dammit...
but never base.
>>> Well, that's because all my base are belong to them.
After that 3rd grade mud slinging fest we endured the other day I was looking forward to artful fencing.
>>> Eh? Obviously you've never read ANY of my flame tourney posts, for creative baseness has been my hallmark since Word One. Oh, wait, we already established that you've read this one:
http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/22055/18
>>> That post, the one you abased yourself WORSHIPPING, was the ONLY entry anywhere in TOP to achieve a score of *ELEVEN OUT OF TEN*. Where were *YOU* in TOP, Wanda?
=====
MIND WAR
=====So shocked was I at the baseness
>>> Hey, I wrongly anticipated you'd be going for acid wit. Baseness *would* be the best counter! 7:-P
and intellectual inferiority of your first
>>> Speaking of which, it surprises me not in the LEAST to learn that you were Twizzler's "first." 7:-O
valid attack that I literally looked back at the top of the post
>>> As opposed to metaphorically doing so. STOP PADDING YOUR SENTENCES, FUCKNUTS!
to ensure that SpaceTime had not created a B1inker handle and was masquerading as you.
>>> Someone's still stinging about being bested last time 'round. 7:-P~~~~~
I couldn't believe it.
>>> "How many more of your suppositions are going to have to be toppled before you accept that Blinker is a master flamer, Scully?"
=====
NO SURRENDER, NO RETREAT
=====Blinker has been reduced to that disgraceful cesspool
>>> And yet when I toss in a dash o' Shakespeare, it's only to brag of how developed my brain is. Highbrow or lowbrow? Or, in your case, unibrow? WELL, MAKE UP YOUR MIND!
of Pee Wee Herman insults
>>> Actually, I didn't link you to Pee Wee Herman until two posts later. But thanks for the suggestion! 7:-P~~~~~
and SpaceTime level bathroom humor?
>>> So lemme see if I've got this straight. You build an entire REPUTATION on humour so filthy it would make George Carlin visibly wince, cross himself, and spend the next two weeks taking showers...
http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/1095/1172
http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/1095/1191>>> ...only to spin around faster than the Louie Armstrong 45 used to mix his voice for a post-mortem Christmas album with the Chipmunks (the album that occupies pride of place on your "Wall of Arousal") and CONDEMN ME FOR THAT WHICH RENDERED *YOU* FAMOUS?!
Indeed, you borrowed so much from his style,
>>> That I look like a hippie who just stepped out of a cuisinart. Thank you, Mr. Blackwell. (Oooh, that'd make you gay TOO!)
with all the homoerotic insults and capitalized words,
>>> It's called "SHOUTING." It's not exactly a SpaceTime original...
your next post should be under the handle SpaceBlinker.
>>> Afraid not: the SFC admins say it's already registered to a "Sexter Chode." Living out some fantasies, my porcine pal?
This is like Vivaldi writing a Crest toothpaste jingle.
>>> Or Beethoven writing a milk commercial jingle, right? Well I dunno if it's ever aired in the States, but he DID, and it's called the 'Ode to Joy.' I kinda dig it.
>>> So anyway, Umberto, just WHAT does the final use of a piece have to do with its merit or its author's skill? And how does ANY of this relate to my performance in ToFGaL? Or could it be that your simile is simply as poorly constructed as your glow-in-the-dark dentures, Horace?
This is like Tracy Torme working with Howard Stern.
>>> Tell that to HIM. I do notice you've been slamming Tormé like a goat cheese enchilada all day, without sparing a WORD for the Pecker. Hmm...
It is an abomination.
>>> On a level with the ridiculous number of dick jokes in "The Rampage of Santa Beagle"? Oooooooh! Someone's been sniffin' the Hypocrisy Glue again!
http://slidersweb.net/blinker/fics/beagle.htm
=====
STRANGE RELATIONS
=====Very well. Tufty Spifflepuft is flaming like a watered down cross
>> Well, you'd be the expert on having your crosses watered down, KKK boy.
between SpaceTime and a Def Comedy Jam reject.
>>> Yeah, they told me I was too talented. Bastards.
I'm shocked and appalled but it will make you easier
>>> Please do continue fantasizing about me being easy...
to defeat so it's not a bad thing.
>>> <mimicking Martha Stewart> "It's not a bad thing, it's a... shit. >:-| Cue cards?"
To think that I actually considered for a half second
>>> You'd spend TWICE your normal attention span thinking of ME? That's so SWEEEEEEET! 7:-*
the possibility that you might win this match.
>>> I told you, Gorgo, THROW THE DAMN MATCH OUT! IT'S FILTHY!
=====
TKO
=====At your best it would have been close and you might have won.
>>> "Have one, have one... Monsieur, Monsieur, let's have another one..."
>>> [plays tape backwards]
>>> SL4EVER: "Blink's a dead man. Want him then, want him then. Turn me on, dead man! :-P~~~~"
But this dumbed down, public access television version of Blinker
>>> In your twelve years of incarceration at the Centre for Disease Control, I would think the phrase "public access" would have lost all meaning. Now *pubic* access, on the other hand...
has no more a prayer
>>> Yeah, I was hoping to get to "The War Prayer" before midnight. 7:-#
of defeating me than TIP would.
>>> Which is another thing I find incredible. Even *TIP'S* postings have on occasion risen to the level of neural torpor that you have demonstrated with today's goings-on. Do I find such TIPisms as "This post title is fresh today, but in three weeks it may contain SPOILERS!!!!!!" more amusing than the endlessly, ENDLESSLY dull and repetitive banter that made up your Dollar Auction "epic"?
FUCK YES!
Hell, I figure the only reason you actually foisted that tripe upon us was to trick me into riffing it (an impossible task, as no individual sentence contains fresh content discernible from the last.) When you saw I wasn't biting (not being one of your cousins), you elected to write it off with a perfunctory conclusion post so bland as to make the previous twenty pages of slop look like Dorothy Parker crossed with Oscar Wilde. Rest assured, when the judges wake up from reading that cyclical babble, there will be HELL TO PAY.
Or, in your case, I guess we could say "hell toupée." Have fun feeling the polonium seep into your brain!
=====
ENDGAME
=====You know: what amazes me MOST, Dexa Wigglescrote, is that you have the GALL to attribute my ENTIRE flame oeuvre to gay jokes and then observe (incompetent "SL4matting" corrected):
"> ... to read something other than the operating instructions
> for your favourite mongoose-shaped vibrator.That wouldn't make me gay, would it?"
>>> THAT'S RIGHT! IT WOULDN'T! And maybe if you didn't consider each of the following NORMAL, you'd have noticed that I *ALSO* accuse you of:
• Bestiality/other assorted cruelty to animals
• Rank odour
• Being a notorious breeding ground for parasites
• Piss-poor reasoning
• Being the "son" of an ancient Egyptian pervert
• Eating belly button pickings
• Unspeakable obesity
• Illiteracy
• Trucksexuality=====
SIC TRANSIT VIR
=====In the end, I guess it comes to a difference in perception. Each of us possesses an entirely different set of expectations with regards to this contest:
• I see it as a chance to mix obscure references, toilet humor, bizarre non sequiturs, and BOILING RAGE into a lethal verbal concoction of DOOM. Said DOOM is then applied liberally to your already-peeling flesh.
• You see it, much as the woodworms that hold up your skeletal structure see any group of people not wearing helmets, as a chance to bore everyone out of their skulls.
That, aside from the CDC quarantine injunction, is all that divides us. When the scores are tabulated, perhaps you will begin to accept your place...
Thus ends my rebuttal.
Hee hee! I said "butt!"
- Blinker 7>:-I
http://slidersweb.net/blinker
Original URL http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/26255
Nominated by Blinker
