Date: 7/9/2000
From: darkslider

Alright, so I finally got off my lazy ass and finished this. The judges were all consulted(on the tough calls), and I got a chance to see what I love best....BLOOD.

Let me say that there were some SERIOUS battles here. Many of them showed style, poise and supreme SASSINESS. However, this IS a contest and sometimes some good ones fall. Some DAMN good ones. Which is why my job as judge has increased my motivation to achieve my lifelong goal--to become a full fledged drunkard. I am well on my way.

So, without any further nonsense, here's the resutls with some new analysis, harsher judging and some commentary thrown "into the mix".....

BattleI JorgeCis vs. Sabre_Edge
==========================================
My question is this? Why the HELL did I put you two against each other? You two or two of the BEST ones here. My answer?

Because I can, and I wanted to see a REAL BATTLE....plus I was drunk when the randomizer was implemented, so.....10

JorgeCis
-----------
Dude, why the HELL don't you flame MORE? You have always been peaceful, quiet and giving. You remind me of the small, old Japanese Kung Fu master. Normally peaceful and quiet, he explodes and KILLS EVERYONE when the battle begins..

And by the way, the RAP? Genius..PURE genius...

Moments of Sass:
-Destruction of Sabre's Lovin Skills...
SE: Is this seat empty?
Girl 3: Yes, and so will this one if you sit down.

-And on his unknown "skills":
I'd tell you to be a comedian but you do a better job sucking dicks.

SassRating...........10 SASSTRONOMICAL

Sabre_Edge
-----------------
You are a KING, my man. You took Jorge's blows and returned them with a twist. The "retelling of the FULL story" was a perfect expample at counter attacks. You moved with the skill and grace that only a warrior can posess..

Sassrating.....................10 SASSTASTIC!!

One for the judges...I went to the local Quick-E-Mart. No one wanted to help Poppa, except for the narcaleptic whino outside..His vote....went to "NippleTAR, the Ruler of the Socks". After asking who the HELL, exactly that was, he told me..the toaster. Thus, I decided to consult the other judges from the previous Rounds. They agreed(after I sent over Tembi with enough alcohol to kill a small elephant) to preside over all of the remaining battles, if the case should arise.

The results....Sabre_Edge won by a 3-2 count.

Battle II: SpaceTime vs. SingularVisions
===========================================
This one seemed to most resemble a "real" battle. Mainly becuase, well from this end it seemed that some bad blood was stirred!

SpaceTime:
Interesting method, Space. You seemed to attack....by not attacking outright. Bruce Lee called it the "Art of Fighting Without Fighting". This method is EXTREMELY unique AND effective, as few who use it can get the desired effect.

You connected with SV's weak spot and exploited it-twice. Just like you exploit that Vienna Sausgae you call a penis in order to make enough money to pay to have the surgery done to make you look more like Gomer Pile. Which I said before, and will say again IS A MISTAKE.

Also, I might add that the first statement of Space's attack, about the girl? Definately, 100% true.

Sassrating.............10. SASSTASTIC(For originality and use of MeghanSlap)

SingularVisions
--------------------
You are an excellent fighter. Your initial attack was a very strong one. Yet, you seemed to be dazed by Space's opening attack, which was NOT what anyone, myself included was expecting. Your attacks thereafter were full of rage, but simply did not connect with their desired Mark.

The dredging of the Expert stuff was not neccesarily bad, had you done it in a new light, like say...making a mock police report filed by The Expert, saying that his watch, wallet, Complete Collection of "Fat Men in Diapers Videos", and his information was all STOLEN after a brief encounter with a very odd prostitute that had more odd smells than teeth.

You suffered from an ailment that many have suffered. Blind Rage, mixed with a minor case of "mutism". Don't take it wrong, all the flames were strong, but just not........sassy.

Sassrating.............8.

Winner...SpaceTime.

 

Battle III: HunterD_Raven vs. StokerChick
============================================
This battle was an interesting one. VERY interesting. Stoker and Hunter, you both may have interests in each other, but you both sure knew how to put that aside to take each other's eyes out.

HunterD:
---------------------
You're an old pro at this. Your counters were well done, but you seemed to disappear from the tournament for some reason. Why? You came back, and delivered a severe SMACK or two, but in the beautiful barrages of Sass that Stoker delivered, you needed a bit more. More that I KNOW you're capable of, as I have seen it come from you before! You have done some works of art in your time. However, this grouping was not up to Stoker's attacks. Against many others, you'd have had it in the bag, as these did have some lines of pure Sass

Sassrating.....................8

Stochi
----------------------
I could go on about how stunning your style is, how innovative, how well you speak, and yada yada yada....BUT, what's the point. I sometimes posess the oratory skills of a crack addict.

Instead, I'll let this little conundrum speak the volumes of praise I COULD relay here....

"Origional"

What is that, your fossilized-and-disintegrating-trilobite-after-being-driven-over-by-multiple-monster-trucks-carrying-the-summation-of-the-entire-WCW-and-WWF-franchises-while-telling-you-that-you-are-not-worthy-of-immitating-any-of-their-member-no-matter-how-insipid quality of imagination's interpretation of a hybrid between the HunterD_Raven (i.e. Random, as in Edge and Judgement. Yeah, you know you're all schizo aspects of the same fucking person, and if not, then you're at least related through incest for damn sure) species and the O'Connell gene pool? I don't know, I would have just quessed that it would conclude in the same outcome as splicing Eric Cartman with a four assed monkey.

Dear God.......the Sass.....THE SASS............

Sassrating...................10..Too..much sass....

Winner.....Stoker

BattleIV: DMD vs. Brand_S
=============================
This one was close, but I know that there were a few complications that got in the way. They were taken into account, and dealt with accordingly.

Brand_S:
------------
You did well, regardless of the obstacles. You came through all of the nonsense you were suffering from. The twist on the Beanstock Tale was beautiful. The picture of Exec and DMD together was so terrible a picture that not even pictures of sweet Tembi could counter the horrid imagery.

You did well regardless of the circumastances, and your creativity shone through. You made Poppa proud.

SassRating.................10

DMD
--------------
Look, I'm not gonna lie. Whoever you are, you are DAMN good. Too damn good! Your attacks on S' name was...for alck of a better word----wonderful. The test was unique and hilarious. I have no idea what kind of twisted incident in your life made that imagination of yours more crooked than RE's scholiosis ridden back, but you are.....GREAT.

Your attacks were well thought out, and completely HILARIOUS.

SassRating...................10

Winner....DMD(by a vote of 3-2)

 

Battle V: CoolSlider vs. Dellyone:
=========================================
Well done both of you. You have developed a style all your own, and have nearly mastered it.

CoolSlider
--------------
Nice use of dialogue, and of a more arrogant approach as a counter. Effective, and definately funny. Your choice of wording was..not bad, and really held together in the face of delly's attacks. However, you seemed to not have the gusto you did last time. You called her attacks lame, yet did not finish her with a uniqueness I have witnessed you display before.

Sassrating......................8

 

dellyone
--------------
Your style is coming along beautifully. The stories had me laughing, and you used a FURBY in it. Very nice..EXTRA-Ordinary, even. You fight well, and were not rocked by Cool's very nice counter. You held up well and returned blows of your own.

Sassrating.......................8.5

Winner.....dellyone.

DeathMatch: Fish_Bone vs. RMScream
=====================================
I was NOT disappointed here. At all. You both are true masters, and have no shame in losing. However, one of you was defeated. HOWEVER, since I am nice and drunk now, I will allow the loser to enter TOPO, if he wishes. I know, you're sayinmg "But dark, that's so...sissy of you. The rules were death!" My answer.."I CAN DO AS I WISH. If the loser wants to compete, so be it. TOPO is gonna be so filled with anarchy, it matters little who enters....

Fish_Bone:
-------------
Superb flaming style. You attacked with the energy of a champ. You went in for the kill and attacked superbly. Interesting use of MANY things, ESPECIALLY Drew Carrey....very....interesting. You are a true master, and never cease to amaze me!

Sassrating.......................10

RMScream
---------------
Everytime I see you post, I become more and more impressed. You worked with a handicapp, yet you still managed to deliver some blows that were hilarious. You did well with your analogies, and your humor is definately unique. Well done.

You are no stranger to this, RMS, but you both recieved a ten rating...which means I had to consult the judges. The judges ruled...

Winner........RMScream by a vote of 3-1.

==========================================================

That's it. If anyone wishes to contest my decisions, too damn bad. All losers have a shot at TOPO, and thus, can still get into the TOP again, to deliver deathspank to their opponents, as well as the judge who got them out!

Here's the battles for Round III which will take place on Tuesday the 11th. If anyone CANNOT make it, let me know, becuase this one is gonna required alot of attention:

RMScream vs. Stoker_Chick
DieselMickeyDolenz vs. dellyone
SpaceTime vs. Sabre_Edge

=========================================================

TOPO will the day following Round III, so that the losers of Round III will have one last shot. Why so soon? I want the TOP done by Saturday.

More on TOPO on Tuesday, when I setup the arenas. I have all of it mapped out, and the arena for TOPO is NOT what you are expecting...and I like that.

If any of you have any questions, comments, death threats, leave them here or e-mail me.

The results of Round III will be up by the following Wednesday, I promise. I will not lag on the next one, as my piece of crap laptop/toaster will have been fixed by then...

Oh! And FunnyMan, do not worry. I have you covered.

Until then, it's back to the fun.....

-darkslider(Poppa)

Can't break the streak...

Date: 7/9/2000
From: sleepingtiger

creative way to subvert evil for not so evil.

hehe

 

tigger

May I suggest dear Zacky

Date: 7/9/2000
From: Yeontoo

Dear Zach,

The tourney's coming right along. You must know, efforts of erasing the fact you're a kitten and replacing them with images of "Poppa" seem to be working. However, I know the truth. Kitten. A Calico Kitten: Loves clotted cream in the chipped rosebud saucer.

:)

I do suggest that you adjust your scale. Most of the contestants have a standing 10, or have scored 10's. I suggest that the scale be modified to reach 16.

Blessings,
Yeontoo

Poppa, I gotta say this...

Date: 7/9/2000
From: DieselMickeyDolenz

you have a wicked way of setting up matches. Me vs dellyone? Ouch. She's probably the one contestant that's most difficult to take head on.

I'll also say this: I'm glad that the tourney will be over by Saturday. It's been fun, but I tire of this. There are only so many ways to fry people that you respect. Of course, that doesn't mean I won't try to win.

Diesel
Mickey
Dolenz

PS: Hey, dellyone! Best of luck. <extends hand>

Jeez, I'm sorry to bother you...again...

Date: 7/9/2000
From: FunnyManJake

Hey, Darkslider, how hangs it? Um.....due to circumstances beyond my control, I've been forced to ask you to make one small change. I ask that KllyWlls and I NOT be pitted against one another. Klly was stricken with panic when confronted with the fact that we might be verbally ripping eachother new assholes. She begged me to reconsider, as it might tear us apart, and so I come before you to beg for our immortal souls. If it is neccessary to take us out of the TOPO, by all means, go ahead, if it means that our relationship will be spared. Thank you for your time, and I apologize most sincerely.

 

FunnyManJake

Ouch... Hunter

Date: 7/9/2000
From: Stoker_chick

Now I feel bad. D, I hope that what surpassed during our battle did not lower any opinion you might have had about me. Good match, I wish you could have been at your full capacity, as I am curious who, in that case, would have concluded victoriously.

The mystery and magic of our confrontation was less so than expected, however my respect for you has nonetheless been replenished.

"I just didn't want to never have done that."

Stochi

hmm....

Date: 7/9/2000
From: Mychand

Okay Poppa...so where's Momma?

That was an interesting round. Good job!

My

I smell a fix...

Date: 7/9/2000
From: Fish_Bone

None the less...

I really don't stand a chance in TOPO. But I'm not a chicken, so I'll enter! There is no shame in being beated by the best. You are a great flamer RMScream. I still smell a fix, but it's not like theres something I could do. Right?
LOL!

Fish Bone
><)))'>

Don't look at me! (end)

Date: 7/9/2000
From: Don_King

dg

I admit it

Date: 7/9/2000
From: HunterD_Raven

She got me.
As for what kept me, like i said my Neice was down, that evening we all went out to eat, then went to Wal-Mart, and finally to the grocery store, that's what kept me from doing a 3rd attack.
---
My Nephew is down this week....but i noticed you said the "big battle" may be on Saturday...well i am gonna be out of town saturday taking my Nephew back to MissIssIppI.
Geez, just my luck relatives visit for Flame tornaments....maybe we can have one again in November or something?

Well....

Date: 7/10/2000
From: Fish_Bone

As long as Don King had nothing to do with this...

I knew there was no fix!

;-)

Fish Bone
><)))'>

<shakes hands with DMD>

Date: 7/10/2000
From: dellyone

DMD,

I've had a strong feeling over the last couple of days that we were going to battle it out. First I thought it was someone else, but then I got the vibes that it was going to be you. Freaky is all I can say. Let's rock. Good Luck DMD.

dark,

You have the unenviable job as judge. Thanks for putting this tourney together. I'm having a lot of fun.

dellyone

Original URL http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/21977
Nominated by darkslider