The Way It Wuz, Apr6/00 [QB2]

Date: 04/06/2000
From: BlinkerD_Raven

TO RECAP: Resident poet and all-around lunatic Blinker has found himself careening through the interdimension after using an untested device built from coffeemakers to escape his hologram-enforced confinement on the Satellite of TWIW. The less you think about this, the better!

ADDITIONAL ADDITIONAL: All resemblance between this post and Dominion War Ep 10 is purely unintentional, especially since I came up with it last week. 7:-X

-- THEME SONG --

In the largely intact postings, (lalala)
Of Ninety-Nine AD -- (lalalala)
There was a guy named Kanyon,
Who would later be known as D -- (lalalala)

He did a good job posting lots of rants,
And made fun of JOC dancing in underpants;
Later he was given a talk show with Spike,
Where he brutally kills off
All of the guests he doesn't li-ike...

PECKINPAH (hanging from the ceiling by his thumbs): "GET -- ME -- DOOWWWWWN!!!!!!!"

We'll send him each week's newsmakers,
The worthiest we can find -- (lalalala)
He'll have to interview them all,
While Peck goes out of his mind -- ("HELPHELPHELPHELP!!")

The only thing that can save these guests,
From being murdered without remorse -- (lalalala)
Is having an intellect at least,
Equal to that of a horse:

BBOARD, ROLL CALL!

KllyWlls: "Vwls sck!"
GhettoPrincess: "Vegeta Who?"
Fish_Bone: "THAT'S FACT!!!!!!"
Maximilli000000000000n: "Nicely elocuted, ol' chap... wait a mo, that's not my sign-off."

You're wondering how he sleeps at night,
What with Pecker's anguished cries -- (lalalala)
Just repeat to yourself, "It'd be too lax
If that bastard ONLY dies!"

On The Way It Wuz, for April Six, Two Thousand!

- HOST SEGMENT -

SPIKE: So, who've we got up for today's show?

BLINK: Show. Today's show. Yeah, uh... am I missing something here?

SPIKE: Geez, Hunter! I may be acting wildly out of character, given that whoever's writing this hasn't seen a "Buffy" in his life, but *you* sound less like yourself than that time you swallowed a live frog that was high on helium!

BLINK: Show!!!! Ohhhhh, *I* get it... that teleprompter there saying "GUESTS ON TODAY'S SHOW" is some sort of listing of today's show's guests!!!! Am I right or am I right? Don't gimme right if I'm not right.

SPIKE: [rolls eyes]

BLINK: 'Kay then. Today we have for your perusal... Colins_Girl, TemporalFlux, SpaceTime, Jerry O'Connell, Homer Simpson, and ElectricPeterTork (aka SexualChocolate69.)

HOMER [drooling]: Mmmmmm... sexual chooooocolate.

SPIKE: We'll start with Mr. O'Connell. Jerry, any comments on the ongoing Sliders movie saga?

JOC: Yeah! I'll only do it if Charlie's allowed in too, and we BOTH get full rear nude scenes!

COLINS_GIRL: You sicken me, you vain little troll!

TEMPORALFLUX: What the hell?!? I thought you were one of those drooling imbeciles that'd pitch themselves over a cliff at a word from their lord and master!

SPACETIME: Oh yeah, I might be able to explain that. See, I just got back from hanging with Saddam Hussein -- his wife was *all over* my website!! -- and he gave me this cool chemical weapon left over from the Gulf War! [holds up syringe] It lets me suck brain fluid out of people's legs, and absorb their vital characteristics! So before the show, I shot myself full of Ego Boy's cell samples here.

COLINS_GIRL: LOL!! DNA rape!! Isn't that cute!!!

[ Spike and Blink exchange a glance. ]

SPIKE: Well, we might as well skip these other folks and get right to Mr. Time here. Your movie-hoax hoax caused vast consternation among the masses... how does that make you feel?

SPACETIME: Great! I feel great! Every night I lay awake for hours thinking, "Those BBoarders are gullible, scumsucking [BLEEP]holes."

COLINS_GIRL: Ha! You tell 'em!

SPACETIME: That includes you, [BLEEP]. Know your role as an insignificant peon and shut your big [BLEEP]ing mouth!

COLINS_GIRL: Tee hee!

TEMPORALFLUX: Colins_Girl... how long are you going to sit there and take this [BLEEP] from a man who doesn't give two [BLEEP]s about you?

COLINS_GIRL [tearing up dramatically]: TF, I am deeply hurt and wounded by your attack.

SPACETIME: This is [BLEEP]ing awesome! I am *the [BLEEP]*!

EPT: SpaceTime, you are a [BLEEP]ing genius.

SPACETIME: Go [BLEEP]ing [BLEEP] yourself!

EPT: Aye aye, Sir!

JERRY [crying]: My power!! My beautiful, miraculous hold over women... GONE!!

TEMPORALFLUX [seething with rage]: THAAAAT'S it. [pounds fist into hand and advances on ST] It's high time that SpaceTime gets taught a lesson, by all those who HAVEN'T incorporated parts of Expert's site into their own!!! [pauses] Without permission.

BLINK: I stole his inability to grasp a joke, to use for Colin's personality... does that count?

SPIKE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey... [BLEEP] down everyone! [looks up in annoyance] Hey, what gives?! I said "sit"!!!

CONTROL ROOM TECHNICIAN: Look, I'm doing this as fast I can!!

SPACETIME: You too, Control [BLEEP]! Shove that big [BLEEP]ing microphone up your big [BLEEP]-shaped [BLEEEEEEEP]!

CONTROL ROOM TECHNICIAN [readying her mike]: As you say!

[ All avert their gaze in horror. ]

SPACETIME: Hey you guys, listen to this song I just wrote! It's about all of you guys!

[ To the tune of "Jingle Bells": ]

SPACETIME: [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEEEEEP], [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEEEEEP], [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEEEEEEP] [BLEE-BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP]...

HOMER [despondently]: Awwww, now I won't get to tell America about my wiener and its first name.

COLINS_GIRL: Shut up! Matt is TRYING to insult us! Have a little respect!

[ Serene amidst the chaos, Blinker is coming to a revelation. ]

BLINK: That's IT! I've "Quantum Blinked" into the identity of HunterD_Raven, and before I go I have to rhyme three of today's posts! To set riffed what once went lame!

[ As if realizing that this segment is already WAY overtime, the blue light takes over and another journey begins. ]

BLINK: HEY!!! HEYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyy........

SPIKE: Well, that's it for today's edition of "Dead with Spike and Hunter." Tune in tomorrow when we - hehe - *demon*strate how to raise and control the spawn of Satan.

EPT: Pfft... yeah, go ahead and try. Our ST's tougher than that... right?

SPACETIME [idly scratching pentagram into dust on chair arm]: What?

- Blinker 7:-P
http://welcome.to/gate_haven

STINGER: "Who is Nostrilnoses?" -- TIP's game-winning response to "He's about to become our next Jeopardy champion!"

Original URL http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/2326/19568
Nominated by Blinker