The Way It Wuz, April 24 [QB5]

Date: 04/24/2000
From: reIreIreIaboo

Hee hee... I do believe the letter I is my favourite in the English language. 7:-P

-- THEME SONG --

In the now-deleted spammings, (lalala)
Of Two Thousand A.D. -- (lalalala)
There was a jerk named relrel,
Also known as "Mister Stinky" -- (lalalala)

He finally, bit off more than he could chew
When he took on Chaser9 and all his buddies, too
We dragged him off the board, by his ugly face
But he couldn't keep awa-ay
So we shot him into spa-ace...

"GET -- ME -- DOOOOWWWWNNNNNN!!!!!!"

He reprints every slam he makes,
In each medium he can find -- (lalalala)
The thought of people finding them on their own
Hasn't yet crossed his tiny mind -- (lalalala)

Now keep in mind Rel can't control
Where urination begins and ends -- (lalalala)
He's too busy signing up for BBoard nicks,
To pretend to be hiiiiiis, friends:

BBOARD, ROLL CALL!

Vance -- "on aol im!"
I_AM_SCIFI -- "Not anymore!"
SL4ever -- "Bring a PIE! :-P"
And TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP -- "!"

You're wondering how he sleeps at night,
How he lives his actions down -- (lalalala)
He repeats to himself, "It was just a joke,
I was but fooling a-a-a-round!"

Maybe he'll even start believing himself by the end of The Way It Wuz, April 24/2000...

- HOST SEGMENT -

[ Synthia paces the bridge distractedly. Blinker lays on the main control panel, near a cardboard sign reading "WALK-IN CLINIC." (Obscure QL in-joke!) Eventually, the blue light kicks in and the battered host body is awoken by a new visitor Blinking aboard. ]

RELRELRELABOO: Hi. Say, this is the set of TWIW, right? Well, can you tell me what "TWIW" stands for?

SYNTHIA: Oh, for Cleavant's sake... it's THE WAY IT WUZ! That's been PRINTED on nearly every TWIW post ever made!! It's even been used TWICE in today's!! Pay some damn attention for once!!!

RELREL [clearing throat]: SYNTHIA - Kromagg double of Logan/Geiger hybrid? Scumbags like this need to be stopped, before they result in people tripping on rugs. And besides... we've never had problems before! =-)

[ Relrel then picks up the Satellite's subspace transmitter microphone and addresses the quadrant. ]

RELREL: Attention all ships... this is an S-O-S distress call... please hear my entire message before responding. *ahem* SYNTHIA - Kromagg double of Logan/Geiger hybrid? Scumbags like this need to be stopped, before they result in people tripping on rugs. And besides... we've never had problems before! =-)

[ He next picks up the Ballpoint Pen of TWIW and begins immortalizing his tirade on parchment. ]

RELREL: With luck, the New York Times'll print this on the front page tomorrow...

SYNTHIA: I don't believe this. You want to take out an ARTICLE on the goshdamned FRONT PAGE, pushing off Torme' knows what else, just to rant about your hatred for one reader?!

RELREL: Hey, I get away with it on the Board!

HAKAVONN [actually Relrel throwing his voice to sound like he's on the other side of the room]: It's a necessary evil. If left unchecked, people such as *you* might make it impossible for civil discussion to be carried on.

SYNTHIA: Shuuuuut up.....

HAKAVONN: I thought I asked you people to keep me out of this!

SYNTHIA: [rolls eyes]

RINTOK: *YOU* roll *YOUR* eyes??!!! How do you think the *REST* of us feel!!!!

SYNTHIA: Lesson of the day for Handleboy: glue sticks are NOT lollipops...

RELREL: Well, pardon me if I don't take time out to memorize what *every* last set of initials stands for. I know that makes me worse than a mass murderer, but that's just the way things are.

SYNTHIA [parodying his overaffected tone]: Just as *I* know that giving you an answer without kissing your ignorant ass makes *me* the scum of humanity!

[ Despite already receiving a response, he apparently considers this a witty enough riposte to rebroadcast it across the vastness of space: ]

RELREL: Attention all ships... this is a PRIORITY ONE S-O-S call! Now, pardon me if I don't take time out to memorize what *every* last set of initials stands for. I know that makes me worse than a mass murderer, but that's just the way things are!

[ To Relrel's great surprise, a furious merchant captain answers his hail. ]

CAPTAIN: Arrr. Ye might consider larnin' what "S-O-S" stands for sometime, ye scurvy sea dog!

HAKAVONN [frantically trying to change the subject]: Actually, now that it's an issue, *I* seem to recall that TWIW once stood for "The Wind In the Willows."

RELREL: AH-HAH! As did I! I'm sure that once the original run is located and archived, my suspicions along with those of my fellow fan will be borne out.

SYNTHIA: All right, relrelhakatok... isn't there an autographed set of licensed "Golden Girls" blow-up dolls somewhere you should be wooing?

RINTOK [conveniently avoiding the blow-up doll accusation]: Look, it's quite obvious what you're insinuating when you say "relrelhakatok," and--

SYNTHIA: Well I should 7:-# well hope it is!! Now are you going to LIE your way out, or FESS UP???

RINTOK: Only *cowards* lie!

[ Silence. ]

RINTOK: It's true!

[ Silence. ]

HAKAVONN: And I'm not a-- er-- hold on...

RINTOK: Meant to say, "And I'm not a coward by any means!" So THERE!

SYNTHIA: Y'know, it's people like you that give idiocy a bad name.

RELREL: Fine, then. I may be considered an idiot by you, TempFlux, Chaser, QBall, Blinker, Tiger, JorgeCis and Hunter, but I still have all the *big* names on my side. *Dedicated* fans. People like Rintok, and Hakavonn.

SYNTHIA [massaging aching head]: I'm going to go lie down...

HAKAVONN: Only *cowards* lie down!

SYNTHIA: [slams the door behind her]

RELREL: Don't let the Satellite blow up in your face! =-)

- Blinker 7:-P
http://welcome.to/gate_haven

STINGER: "Look, it's quite obvious what you're insinuating when you say 'relrelhakatok'..." ...and yet not obvious enough for him to PROVIDE A STRAIGHT ANSWER.

Original URL http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/2326/20154
Nominated by Blinker