The Way It Wuz: The Unofficial QB6

Date: 05/16/2000
From: FogBlink

"BLINKER IS WHERE HELL IS, AT LEAST TEMPORARILY"
by FogBlink

TEASER OPEN

INT. GGAMORK PRISON

BLINKER has just completed his latest mission, in the guise of the spammer, antidisestablishmentarianist and idiot RELRELRELABOO. Having determined his objective to be convincing Rel's inexplicably adoring wife to flee her abusive marriage, he proceeded to engage in torrid affairs with twelve different supermodels.

BLINKER
Eeeuuugghhh... I cannot BELIEVE I kissed Cindy Crawford...

GGAMORK GUARD
Cindy Crawford?? SIIIIIIIIICK!!!!!
(beat)
Oh yeah, and welcome to Ggamork Prison Hell.

BLINKER
D'oh!

END TEASER

OPENING SEQUENCE

BLINKER
What if you found a portal to a parallel bulletin board? Where it's the same URL... and you're the same handle... but Exec is capable of accurate ratings posts. And what if you *found* your way home, then spent half a season chasing after a brain-sucking mutant who stole the co-ordinates, then slid back to your original Earth, but left after it was invaded by Ape Nazis from another dimension, then forgot you even *had* the co-ordinates, and were so overjoyed when you finally got them back AGAIN you stupidly decided to go back and fight the Ape Nazis empty-handed, but *instead* you somehow landed on the Planet of the Psychic Paint-By-Numbers Geezers, and... OH, SCREW IT!!! WHAT IF YOU *CAN'T* FIND YOUR WAY HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

WHISPER: "TWIIIIW"

END OPENING SEQUENCE

ACT I OPEN

The man in the next cell leans towards us, coming into the light, looking directly at the viewers at home, and absentmindedly scratching his nose... or at least, he WOULD be scratching his nose, but he's not because HE HASN'T GOT ANY.

VOICE
Yeah, sucks, eh?

Blinker reacts, sickened by this Ggamork act. Then, his eyes go wide... as he spots the man's "Willow + Tara = True Love" tattoo!

BLINKER
(realizing)
Then this isn't an Informant wing...

VOICE
(now sitting back in the dark)
They don't want information. At first, yes, but not long. They really want to make us see truth.
(beat)
And they want... a nice... warm... meal.

He LAUGHS maniacally at his own sick joke.

VOICE
Once they're back from their meal they cut out your nose and eat that, too.

ANNOUNCER
We regret to interrupt this program for a series of riffs on bulletin board posts. Hey, it *is* becoming increasingly common practice on CBS!

- THE INADEQUATE -
Only twelve new posts today?
It's driving me insane!
(Bet YOU thought this header
Was referring to TIP's brain!)

- THE TENACIOUS -
They did it last week, and they've done it again...
The reruns hung onto the Sci-Fi Top Ten!
Now if only Exec's one remaining brain cell...
Could keep itself stuck to the stem!

- THE CLOCKWORK -
Relrelrelhakatok's back, and he's ticked!
Oooh, and speaking of ticking...
It seems to be this very moment each week
That the mook takes yet one more licking!

- THE FESTIVE -
Woo Hoo! Hey everyone, thanks for the party!
And so one more Blink-year is done...
Too bad yours truly was tardy;
It looked like a whole whack o' fun!

- THE LATE-BREAKING -
OMIGOSH!!!!! Charmed's got incredible news!!!!!!!!
Oh wait, my bad, it's just some 'Roswell' snooze.
I pity such post-wastin foo's...

- THE EERIE -
A 'Virus' appeared, and the BBoard did crash.
Anyone notice a link?
Hmmm, and the self-professed Hacker Guy's back...
'Scuse me for two hours to think.

(Conclusion: Naaaaaah. That imbecile couldn't hack his way out of a paper bag that's running off Windows NT!)

- THE MORBID -
S asked us how we would all like to die...
What did he hope to obtain?
Well, if Silver *agreed* to abide...
We *all* would have something to gain!

- THE UNFATHOMABLY DEMENTED -
Sci-Fi keeps the hits a-comin':
"Monster Smasher," yay!
Who needs boycotts now? Not us...
They'll make their *own* selves pay!

SKIP ACTS II AND III, THEY SUCK

BEGIN ACT IV

INT. MAKESHIFT LABORATORY

The area is strewn with Kromagg torture devices. Whips, electrodes and Jackson Browne singles about fluorocarbons lay next to a TV set... that can only be tuned to CBS.

DAN RATHER
(onscreen)
...yet another spineless fool,
Part of why the freakin' place is
Such a rotting, dank cesspool.
And THAT'S The Way It Wuz today on the First Wave bulletin board. Now back to our hit series, "Once and Now Again and World"...

BLINKER and ALT. SYNTHIA are putting the finishing touches on a weapon which will wipe out all Ggamorks on the planet, as well as magically grow everyone a new nose and get "Shasta McNasty" cancelled for GOOD.

BLINKER
Hey, before I go? The reason I knew your name... and that you're a computer... is because one of my friends IS you. Well, a double of you.

She grins broadly.

ALT. SYNTHIA
Really? Is... is she anything like me?

He smiles back at her warmly.

BLINKER
Yeah. She's a hologram... just like you.

And with that, a shimmering blue glow sends him on his way.

ANGLE ON - ALT. SYNTHIA

As we see she's still facing where the Blink effect has faded. Her face is still smiling. He's touched her, and we can tell that, if she still had her nose, she'd be honkin' it big-time right now.

FADE TO BLACK

CLOSING CREDITS

END

- Blinker 7:-P
http://welcome.to/gate_haven

Mr. T, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so.
Those whom thou think'st thou dost throw helluvafar
Die not, poor T, nor canst thou kill me.
So nyah, nyah, nyah.

-- John Donner

Original URL http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/2326/20677
Nominated by Blinker