TWIW, Eleanor Rigby edition... [QB8]

Date: 05/18/2000
From: Charmed007

[ Fade in on a classy bar, somewhere in Europe. Agent Charmed-007 is perched on a leather stool. ]

CHARMED: I'll have half a teaspoon of tap water,please.Shaken,not stirred.

BARTENDER [sarcastically]: You sure? That's awfully rich and all... shouldn't you be watching your figure?

CHARMED: You seem to be taking care of THAT quite nicely...

BARTENDER: Hey, I'm just trying to FIND the damn thing!

CHARMED: Look,I'll make up for it tomorrow by binging on steak,PIE,Olestra,and those little butter packets that come in restaurants.That way I'll be right next to a public washroom where I can throw up in blissful anonymity!

BARTENDER [shuddering]: One "H2O," comin' straight up.

NARRATOR: We'll return to Charmed007 in "Starve and Let Die," right after this musical interlude.
=====

Ahhhhhh, look at all the CharmedClass handles.
Ahhhhhh, look at all the CharmedClass handles.

Season_5_Liker,
Tells us that Di
Could be used
To much greater
Effect,
Instead of being Pe-ecked;

I_Am_Not_BB,
Wonders just how much
Ms. Wuhrer can
Rake in per show?
Plenty of do-ough;

All the CharmedClass handles, where do they all come from?
All the CharmedClass handles, where do they all belong?

Cuffyboy's famous,
For posting soooo many
Polls that Brand_S
Does the same:
Drove him insa-ane;

DariaTee-een,
Screws every guy
In her class
And then calmly says, 'What?'
Man, what a slu-ut;

All the CharmedClass handles, where *do* they all come from?
All the CharmedClass handles, where *do* they all belong?
Ahhhhhh, look at all the CharmedClass handles...
Ahhhhhh, look at all the CharmedClass handles...
=====

CHARMED-007 [strapped to a table]: Do you ecshpect me to talk,Matty?

SPACETIME: No, actually I expect you to post a thousand bullshit NSR topics that NO-ONE 7:-#ING CARES ABOUT. And BTW, *no-one* - BUT NO-ONE - calls me "Matty." [flips switch]

CHARMED [squirming to avoid the oncoming laser]: Look,maybe we can make a deal.I'll help you out on a prank!ANYthing!

SPACETIME [flips switch again, stopping the beam in its track]: All right, howsabout this. You use an alternate handle to masquerade as a concerned friend who reveals you're a self-destructive bulimic. Since you're already well-established on the board, it'll save me the trouble of developing a new such persona from scratch. We build it up for a few weeks, then your exquisitely believable death by starvation and/or overdose is announced to a flood of condolences!

CHARMED: Hey,that could work!I have this Daria handle I haven't admitted to my ownership of in a few months!

SPACETIME: *Sassy.*

=====
Sliders_Final_Four,
Shoots Wade a flame
And then claims
That her handle
Was hacked...
Is that a fa-act?

Charmed Zero-Seven,
Making it look
Like she's painfully
Starving to death,
While on Crystal Me-eth;

[Bizarre mumblings, that if played backwards, constitute Matt saying "Charmed is dead" over and over]

All the CharmedClass hoaxes, where *do* they all come from?
All the CharmedClass hoaxes, where *do* they all belong?
Howwwwww, to foil all the CharmedClass hoaxes...
=====

SPACETIME: Oh, and you might want to do something about your distinctive habit of capitalizing every word in a post title.

CHARMED: Nahhh,I'm sure no-one'll pick up on it.

[ Unnoticed by her tormentor turned co-conspirator, Charmed vacates her own body and is replaced by Blinker. ]

SPACETIME: Okay. Fake concerned friend reveals your hospitalization for eating disorder - I'll goof on her the whole time, to make the whole thing seem more natural - we build it up a while, and then you 'die.' I am the SHIT! Now, you got all that?

BLINKER: Uhh... yes, it would seem I do.

SPACETIME: KICK-ASS.

[ Our peripatetic poet Blinks back out. ]

SPACETIME: Dude, this is AWESOME! Now I can tell 007 all my plans, without having to worry she'll escape and use the knowledge against me!

CHARMED: Ugh,I think I just fainted again.Hey,would you have any buckets of lard lying around?

- Blinker 7:-I
http://welcome.to/gate_haven

Hmmmm. -----> http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/20523/6

Original URL http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/2326/20737
Nominated by Blinker