The Way it Wuz ... Talked About!

Date: 07/17/2000
From: SL4ever

David Peckinpah: Thanks for coming in, SL4ever. You remember Bill Dial and Chris Black.

SL4ever: Yep.

Bill Dial: Your ratings are slipping and you suck.

SL4: Oh come now, don’t sugercoat it. What do you really think?

Chris Black: You’re not funny anymore, big fellow. We’re thinking about replacing you with “Zippy the Talking Spider Monkey Discusses Your Posts.”

DP: I’m particularly fond of that idea.

BD: Look, you’re doing well in the DoctorQuinn, Stoker_Chick, and SouthernSlider demographics. You’re usually strong in the Hurrikain and Blinker demos. Most of the Slider_Sarahs like you. But you’re really weak in the Informant, TemporalFlux, HunterD_Raven, and Chaser demos. You need to start sucking up to those demographics bigtime.

SL4: My perverted humor is not for everyone. I like the demos I have.

DP: Hey, hey. We want to work with you. Make your show better.

CB: We’ve been in this business for a collective 60 years, we know what we’re talking about. It’s either listen to us and get your ratings back up to where they’re supposed to be, or get cancelled.

SL4: Gee guys, I’ll do what I can. What do you suggest?

DP: Moist excellent. First of all, that Snidely thing was over the second ep. It is not F-ing funny. Boom, he’s gone.

BD: Yeah, Snidely sucks.

SL4: Okay. What else?

DP: What the >:-# is this Slappy the Clown thing all about? I don’t get it.

BD: Slappy has to go, SL.

SL4 <rising>: OH NO! NOT SLAPPY!! Ask me to cut off my arm, why don’t you? Ask me to shave my head and wear a pair of pink panties on my bald pate! But don’t ask me to ax Slappy!!!!! Either Slappy stays or I’m F-ing WALKING!

DP: Okay baby, don’t get all dramatic on us. We’re trying to help you here, buddy.

BD: Yeah man, work with us. We’ll let you keep Slappy but you have to add Spider Monkeys. How’s that?

SL4 <sitting back down> : Okay. I’ll fit them in somewhere.

DP: You need gimmicks too. Like maybe once a week you reveal a deep dark secret about yourself.

SL4: Let me think about that one. ... F NO!!

BD: How about you reveal things about other people? Like you unmask Blinker at the end of one ep, or reveal what cesspool RE crawled out of or why so many people are talking about the X-Men movie on a Sliders board. Stuff like that.

SL4: How would I get this info?

DP: Bribery works wonders. How do you think I discovered who framed Roger Rabbit?

SL4: By watching the entire movie?

DP: Who has time for that? Next you’ll want me to read an entire Sliders script before I make changes!

CB: And how about talking more about the posts. An actual discussion instead of just mentioning them and moving on.

SL4: I’ll see if I can make it funny. But it would be kind of redundant since we can talk about the posts IN the posts.

DP: Damn. I never thought about that.

SL4: Now there’s a surprise.

BD: That’s something else. You need a catchphrase. Something people are expecting you say each time, and they’ll think it hilarious at first, and then mildly chuckle at it for a while, and then they’ll eventually despise you for it. Then, after a decade when people have gotten it out of their system, it will be funny again.

<from audience> : What you talking about, Mr. Dial?????

SL4: Um, I don’t think that’s me. My catch phrases always come out sounding like I rode the short bus to elementary school.

DP: It doesn’t sound like he’s willing to work with us, Bill.

BD: I’m disappointed in him, David.

CB: I guess we’ll just have to call him in here again when the ratings dip below Three’s Company reruns.

DP: And the next meeting won’t be an attempt to help him.

SL4: Um, guys, I haven’t left the room yet.

DP: How about a skit at the beginning of every show? Think that might attract higher ratings?

SL4: I don’t think so. I’ve already ripped off Politically Incorrect hardcore. Don’t want to make it too obvious, do we?

The Way it Wuz ... Talked About!

SL4: Hello again everybody! I’m your fabulous host, SL4ever! And this is The Way it Wuz Talked About, that bi (these days) weekly show where we talk about the days that wuz and once in a great while look ahead to the days that will be. We have an exciting show for you today! An unexcellent panel today, since it is ALL CRETIN PRODUCER NIGHT!!! But first, these messages!

“<phone ringing>

Man <laying on his stomach in bed amid jumbled sheets, an empty pizza box, half a six pack, and three pairs of soiled underwear> : Um, hello?

Phone: Ryan! Why aren’t you at work? It’s almost noon! The boss is really pissed!

Ryan <looks at where his alarm clock should be and discovers it has been crushed with his size twelve shoe, which is still laying among the remains> : Um, see, these spider monkeys kidnapped me last night and forced me to drink two crates of Gillian’s Red-

Phone: You’re fired, dunderhead!

Are you the worst excuse maker on the planet?
****
Man: Ahhhhhhhh. That was moist excellent. How was it for you?

Woman: When you’re inside me I feel nothing.

Man: What????

Woman: You’d have to actually be better at sex for me to feel sorry for you.

Man: But ... I-I heard you enjoying it...

Woman: What you heard was me alternately sobbing at my awful choice in men, cursing myself for ever returning your calls after the first date, and laughing maniacally at the inane blathering coming out of your mouth. ‘Take it ALL >:-#” is just soooo romantic! And hysterical considering that you couldn’t inflict pain with the equipment you possess on a virgin midget.

Do you lack tact?
****
Boss: Joanie, we’ve noticed that $1,000 is missing from the slush fund. Do you-.”

Joanie: Yes, I stole it.

Boss: Um, I was going to ask if you know where the theft report forms are filed.

Joanie: Oh, never mind. Yes, I know where the forms are.

Do you suck at lying?

You need help! And we’re here to provide it for you! Sign up for our five week Executive Lying and Excuse Making Course and start functioning in society with the freedom and impunity dirtbags everywhere enjoy! During our five week course learn how to:

1) lose complete touch with reality. Take our special Executive Alternate Handle night courses and learn how to BELIEVE your own lies!

2) make up a coherent and semi-believable excuse at the spur of the moment.

3) use your “Grandparent Dying” excuses sparingly. You only have four of them, you know!

4) know when to lie and when to just tell someone to bite your shiny metal ass!

All this and more for only four small $1,500 payments! Sign up today! Start deceiving people tomorrow!!!”

SL4: We’re back, and let’s meet our panel. First, making a return visit, the most hated person in all of Sliderdom, David Peckinballs!!!

Crowd: You’re lucky the security droids are there. Nice rug, btw!

DP: You like me, you really like me!

SL4: Next up, the man who rose all the way to Executive Producer by the 5th season, Bill Dial!!!

Crowd <to Temp>: Do we hate him?

Temp: Yep.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOO!!!

SL4: Next up, another producer, the man they generally sent out for stinky bagels, Chris Black !!

CB: I prefer lox with my bagels, actually.

Crowd: Speaking of STINK. :-I

SL4: And finally, the current winner of our random post contest, a classy southern belle and the fanned fan, Southern Slider!!!!

Crowd <holds up and waves their fans>

SS: I’m going to regret this appearance, aren’t I?

SL4: Okay. First, let’s talk about 7-12! Sane people first. That would be you, SS.

SS: Thanx. I liked CC’s Back from HOTlanta post. :-P

SL4: Now there’s a surprise.

DP: Good boy. Keep it coming.

SL4: That’s it, I’m never using it again. Speaking of morons, what post did you like, David?

DP: I liked Sheridan220’s post about my movie tie ins. And I especially liked that Temp noticed my genius in doing so many, and he even figured out which movies I ripp- er – tied into! :-D

SS: Do I HAVE to sit next to him?

SL4: It’s either that or sit with Bill and Chris.

SS: Decisions, decisions.

BD: I thought the gang-flame post stomping a mudhole in RE’s >:-# was hysterical!

DP: That one pissed me off. I’m going to become the second most flamed person on the board if this keeps up! :-I

SL4: Blinker’s post, which won, was fabulous. I also liked DQ’s flame because she’s never flamed before and she did a pretty good job.

CB: CoolSlider, Fog_boy, Stoker_Chick, and EustiSlider also rocked with their flames. I wouldn’t have wanted to judge them.

SL4: CoolSlider didn’t cuss enough in his one, though. I was disappointed by that but other than that he rocked.

BD: SV had some good licks too. Gotta love the rhyming flames! :-P

CB: Anyway, I liked the latest Executive War installment by SpaceTime. Funny stuff.

SL4: Unlike your commentary thus far. Soooo, moving on, 7-13!

BD: I loved Darkslider’s rant about California Hillbillies. “The country music does not STOP.” ROTFLMMFAO!!!!!

SS: Keeping within the rant vein, I liked Sarah’s rant about the thieving city council. Well, ‘like’ is not the right word because I don’t like it that she was upset. But she expressed her anger in a clear and amusing way, which is the best way to vent.

SL4: I thought it was a devastating rebuke of them. I know that they weren’t there to defend themselves, but, but how can you defend having all the expensive >:-# and then charging outrageous parking fines? You can’t. Ditto for the state of the outside of her school.

DP: I was curious about these parking “tickets.” She said she bought a parking ticket? Don’t the police usually give them to you and then you pay a fine? But she said she bought one BEFORE she got one. It doesn’t ad up, SL.

SL4: Idiot. First of all, she didn’t buy one, Mike did. Second of all, over there a ticket is apparently someone you display to AVOID getting a parking FINE. It’s not that complicated.

DP: But where do they buy these alleged permission tickets? Why don’t they have parking meters?

SL4: One more simpleton question and I’ll make you watch Casablanca.

DP: NOOOOOO! Not a work of quality!!! I’ll shut up!

CB: Well, I’m glad that Brand_S gave us the link to the “Exec, hoiney, you're on crack!” post over at the First Wave board. Just goes to show that Exec is a moron on every board. It wasn’t just Sliders that brought it out of him!

SL4: Speaking of trashpickers, time for a commercial!

“Man: Pull over Norma Joan!!! Someone’s put some trash out on the curb!

Norma Joan <parking> : WOO HOO!!! We’re rich!

15 Kids: Woo Hoo!! 6 of us will be able to sleep on that soggy couch!

Man: They must have been one of those more-ooons to have left this perfectly good couch out here! :-P

15 Kids <sniffing> : It smells like an octopus was dismembered on it. Eeeeeeew. And what is THAT substance? Is it a life form?

Man: Nonsense! We’ll hose it down and it’d be fine! Help me move this original, undamaged Picasso off of it so we can haul the couch into the pickup!

Norma Joan: Ooooooo, look at these waterlogged speakers! Woo Hoo! It looks like they were submerged in a scummy lake for about a decade, but we’ll consider it a ‘project.’ I’ll take it! <knocks aside 114 A.D. Roman Gold coin and snatches speakers>

Man: Oh YES!!! A 30 and a half inch TV! :-P

Norma Joan: 30 ½?

Man: Well, there’s some missing, but that don’t matter much. Oh man, someone stuck a stupid cup in the side that broke open. <tosses Holy Grail aside> There! Help me put this in the truck kids!

Do you have horrid taste? Is it impossible for you to tell the value of something? To find out for sure, ask yourself these questions:

1) Have I gotten more than half my furniture from other people’s curbs?

2) Do I spend more than $100 a week at yard/garage sales?

3) Do I start running when K-Mart turns on their blue light?

4) Do my kids and my spouse avoid EVER bringing friends over to my house?

Chances are, you have a problem. Call this toll free number 1-800-IMA-NONTASTEHAVINGMORON and we’ll send you our pamphlet ‘Learn Basic Human Taste and Common Sense in 97 ½ Easy Steps!’ Call us today! Your neighbors are begging you!!!”

SL4: And we’re back. Time for 7-14, Bill?

BD: I thought CoolSlider’s sick post about the sooooo big item was amusing.

Chaser <from audience> : Holy Crap! Does this guy pay you off or something? He could write a post about petting his sand flea and one of you would love it!

SL4: Hey, hey. If ANYBODY, and I mean ANYBODY up to and including the most annoying bastard on the planet, Jay Leno, writes something amusing, we’ll cite it. There is no favoritism. But it’s just that some people strike the funny bone more than others.

CoolSlider <coming in with white sack upon which a huge $ symbol was printed in green> : Hey guys! Here it is!

SL4: Could you have WORSE timing? Grrrrrrr.

BD: They’re just teasing, I saw them setting that up backstage. It actually was an amusing post.

SL4: I have to jump in and give a favorite post because Sliderman’s Instruction Label post was one the funniest posts I’ve read this week. Probably because I am MOST amused by real life examples of stupidity because I’m an elitist snob with a superiority complex.

SS: Thanks for sharing.

SL4: His comments were especially hysterical. My favorite was On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.” With his added comment: (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) LOL But there were a lot of funny ones.

DP: You’re assuming he put all that together with his own comments. But it might have been an old e-mail joke that has been going around.

SL4: Oh, you’re so suspicious! The rest of the day was mostly X-Men and Spiderman (Not Spider Monkey Man, sadly) posts. Which is fine, but I’m avoiding the X-Men posts until I get a chance to see it. And 7-15 consisted of 5 whopping posts.

BD: I thought it odd that people took that as a sign that the board was in decline. Once we got back to a weekday the number was back up to respectable numbers.

SL4: 17 for 7-17, as of this airing. Anyway, the most comment worthy post of 7-15 was Cool Slider’s birthday announcement. 14 well wishers, counting Brand_S who posted it! And so we move on to 7-16. Southie?

SS: The two posts about men sparked some interesting dialogues. They accumulated 19 replies between them, so that’s where most people spent their time replying. So those would be my picks.

DP: Well, 7-17 was Sunday. There were only 14 posts. 2 first posts of the day with a fair joke in one of them. 4 posts on the X-Men which you can’t read because you haven’t seen it. 2 posts SS mentioned about how some men are dumber than the writers of 3rd Rock From the Sun. A post about this Survivor bboard thing, whatever that is-

SL4: Are you going to sit here and mention every single post without making a choice of any? It’s too late to kiss ass now! You could part the Red Sea and would still be despised by us!

DP: If I didn’t know better I would think you didn’t like me.

SL4: We’re almost out of time. Any last post picks?

BD: I thought The Hunt Man’s catching up post was cool.

SL4: Especially amusing is how everyone is immediately apologizing to Blinker if they diss Lexx. Apparently he has been liberal with the flamethrower about that show. I love the post last week when someone compared Lexx to porn and the first reply was “I don’t know, ask Blinker.” LOL!!!! Now that’s a rep! :-D

CB: Last dib! I thought Jellywrong’s post about RE was amusing.

<studiowide silence>

SL4: Um, by ANY chance do you mean “dellyone” ???

CB: Of course. What did you think I said?

SL4 <shaking head> : Join us later this week when some cool people and the 3nd replier to this post will be our guests! Goodnight everybody!

DP: You forgot the bit about the posts being the stars.

SL4: I’m anti catch phrase so forget about it cadger.

“The Way it Wuz Talked About is brought to you by Snidely Stevens! Have you sued your food today? By Board Assassins, you deserve someone getting their asses toasted today! And by Slappy the Adult Clown, he’s the party favor you’ve been looking for!!”

“SS: I’m going to regret this appearance, aren’t I?”


Blinker <walking on stage> : Payment first, please?

DP <handing over a check> : There you go.

Blinker <glances at it> : Signed by YOU, please. Howard the Duck does NOT have a bank account that I am aware of.

DP <hands over real check> : Heh heh. Just teasing.

Blinker: Oh do smeg off. This cheque better clear! Okay, everyone ready???? <rips off mask>

Crowd <gasping> : YOU!?!?!?!

Original URL http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/2326/22171
Nominated by Blinker