TWIWTA (Season 3 Premiere)

Date: 10/18/2001
From: SL4ever

>>> If only I was making up the bologna and pizza flavored candy ... <<<

Dexibal Lector: So, we’re starting the third season of TWIWTA tonight. Kewl.

SL4ever: Spelling “cool” that way is so last minute. People nowaminute spell it “Qool.” Loser.

DL: Don’t make me eat you. I don’t see YOU having an ad for a new movie on Blinker’s website.

PFKAS: Hey guys, new season, eh? You know what that means, right?

DL: What’s that? Some more tired Anti-TIP jokes? More sucking up to Blinker?

PFKAS: Of course. That goes without saying. But it also means another revamp. SL4 can never leave well enough alone. He is so paranoid about getting stale that he changes >:-# all the time, especially when he’s trying to be amusing. So just as the first and second seasons were similar but had some key format changes and different season long running gags, this season is going to have some format changes and different season long running gags that will grow just as tiresome as the previous ones.

SL4: That’s why I’m annoying as hell. :-D

SL4Blinker: Hmmmm. The first season he ripped off Politically Incorrect for the four panelists and one host format. The second season he ripped them off again for the idea of starting the show off with a skit. What creative idea is he going to steal from that show this season?

SL4: Ha! Oh you who think you are so clever! This time I’m not stealing from PI at all! :-P

SL4B: So who are you stealing from?

SL4: ESPN’S The Sports Reporters.

PFKAS: What in God’s name could you possibly steal from that show?

SL4: The Parting Shots. TEE HEE.

<Everyone groans>

SL4: By the way, all of you are fired. Opening skits are so last season!


The Way it Wuz ... Talked About!

SL4: Hello again everybody! I’m your fabulous host, SL4ever! Welcome to our third season of TWIWTA! I’m really excited about the changes we’ve made and I look forward to talking with our guests about posts until such time that I get so busy I don’t even turn on my computer for a week! But the computer’s on tonight! Let’s get the show started! Right after these messages, of course.


“Man <sitting at kitchen table> : I’m tired of eating the same ole thing. I want something new! Something exciting! Somebody needs to think outside the box and make some exciting food for a change!

<There is a flash and a six inch tall dwarf wearing a pink fur stole and shoes with bells on them appears on the table.> Dwarf: Did you say you wanted exciting food? What you’re really saying is that you want CRAZY Food! In that case, FoodNuts is the store for you! Come on down to FoodNuts where we stock only CRAZY food that will titillate your taste buds and have you scratching your head wondering why you never thought of such food before!

Man: Well, what is so CRAZY about your food?

Dwarf: Have you ever thought of peanut butter and jelly soup?

Man: Um, no.

Dwarf: How about peppermint pizza? Banana gravy?

Man: Nope, I’ve never even considered those things before.

Dwarf <leaping onto his head and spinning around the point of his head like a pink top> : That’s because you’re not CRAZY! Our CRACK experimenters have spent years taking various drugs and immediately writing down all the ideas that occur to them. Then our food engineers implement those ideas to bring to the demanding public all new and exciting food combinations!

Man: Wow! I want to go down to Foodnuts right now! This I gotta see!

Dwarf <swinging from the ceiling mounted light from one hand> : Come before five and get a bag of bologna or pizza flavored candy absolutely free! You’d have to be CRAZY to pass on that deal! And from now until Friday you can get barbecue ice cream or grape fried steak for half off!

Man: YES! Thanks, Foodnuts!

Woman <passing by doorway> : Henry, who are you talking to? Are you seeing dwarves on the kitchen table again?”


SL4: We’re back, and let’s meet our panel. Our first guest is the star of this summer's biggest bomb, “Tomcats” Jerry O’Connell!

Crowd: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

JOC: How many agents do I have to fire before I get a hit movie?

SL4: Our next guest is the prolific fan fic author and bboard personality ThomasMalthus!

Crowd: WOO HOO!!!

SL4: And finally, our behind the scenes guest of the week, Kari Wuher’s hairdresser, Harry Net.

Crowd: What the smeg?

HN: I have some stories to tell you folks! Did you know that her natural hair color is hot pink? It’s the strangest thing I’ve ever seen.

SL4: Okay, this was a bad idea, get him out of here.

<BITCHSLAPPER2001 rolls out and slaps Harry Net off the stage.>

SL4 <scanning the audience> : Hmmm, who else can we trick into taking the third seat?

<Everyone in the audience ducks down except for TIP who is waving his/her arms energetically, and Mychand, who is busy rummaging through her “Friends” DVD collection pack.>

SL4: Ahhhhh. Perfect! Mychand! Come on up!

Mychand: Huh?

BITCHSLAPPER2001:
comeuphererightnoworI’llbeforcedtocomedownthereandgetbusy!

Mychand <making a “W” with her fingers> : What-EV-er. <She joins the others>

SL4: Okay, we’re off to a good start. I had trouble filling three seats because most of the people I called thought this show had been canceled and so thought it was a prank call. Ah, the troubles of Internet TV shows. So, TM, what recent posts have you liked?

TM <leaning forward eagerly with foam coming out of his mouth> : Well-

SL4: Posts, that is, that were NOT Buffy related.

TM <leaning back again, the foam disappearing> : Oh.

Mychand: I liked LostLeaper’s post today about fan fic ideas. We used to see story idea posts all the time but we don’t see much of it anymore.

JOC: Let’s face it, all the good Sliders ideas have been written about. Resolution to The Seer has been done to death. Bringing them all home has been done to death. Which Arturo Slid has been done to death. What writers these days have been reduced to is bizarre stories so complicated or off the wall that no one has a hope of following them.

<SL4 looks away, expression innocent>

TM: This is all the more reason for people to jump out there and share their ideas like LostLeaper did. Hopefully more people will do that. Of course, most writers won’t because when they actually DO get a good idea that hasn’t perhaps been done to death they want to hog it for themselves.

SL4: You’re damned right! :-D Moving on, I was happy to see Slider_Sarah’s post. People who have only been around for a year or so have no idea how interesting, amusing, and cool a poster we lost when her life got so much busier that she couldn't come around much. It’s always good when she comes back around, if only for a minute.

TM and Mychand: Hear, hear.

TM: One of the more annoying posts was Temp’s SF channel observations post. Temp wasn’t annoying, what I mean is that I’ll just bet he’s right and once again the SF channel proves they are a hideously annoying brand of bureaucrats who have made few decisions with the fans in mind.

SL4: No doubt. You couldn’t hold a PIE in front of me and make me watch Bionic Man, Bionic Woman, Bionic Fish, Bionic Old Man, Lost in Space, and all those other shows they took off the air. But personal taste aside, there are a lot of people who like those shows so I think they should have kept them.

JOC: Speaking of good posts, I like all the annoying morons who have been posting the past couple weeks with their questions and comments. You know the ones.

SL4: Oh yeah. Still, as slow as the board has been lately I’m just glad that ANYONE is posting. It was more annoying back when there was so much activity that a good post would be buried in 12 hours. But now we have room on the front page for trolls. And that activity, even if it’s troll activity, keeps the Dominion from coming in here and cleaning house.

Mychand: None of us want that. Another good post is the SpiderMonkeee caption this post. :-P

SL4: I still don’t have much spare time yet, and what I do have is spent doing this show and writing. But in the next day or two I’ll have more time and I plan to stop by there. While we’re at it, we’d better mention TM’s current fan fic, Home Sweet Home. I’m looking forward to reading that.

TM: Uh-huh.

SL4: I AM!

TM: Sure thing, buddy.

SL4: My, my, look at the time! Usually we’d have a commercial here but I’m still lining up sponsors. We’ll have our usual two spots starting next ep. So that brings us to our Parting Shots segment.

Crowd: If you’re ripping off the hideous ESPN network this had BETTER be good!

SL4: Okay, as I said, it’s time for a new feature on this show where every panelist gets to rant about whatever they like. Preferably about board goingson but it can be about anything. This is our “Parting Shots” segment and TM fires first.

TM: First we had to endure these outrageous pop up ads. I’ve never understood the concept of annoying the >:-# out of someone in order to get them to buy your product – ARE YOU LISTENING, TELEMARKETERS???? – but there is a small group of marketing morons who actually believe that if they drench you with pop up ads every time you go to another page you’ll stop what you were online to do, go to their tedious website, whip out your credit card, and buy their hideous product. People who believe that also believe that people will continue to eat a steak once they encounter glass in it. You want to know what I do when I encounter a pop up ad? I click the “x” before one graphic loads. That’s what everyone else does as well! If I was online to shop I’d enter “Diet Pork Fried Rice” into my search engine and THAT would get me to your stupid website. That’s the ONLY way I’ll ever get to your retarded site, it WON'T be because of your infuriating pop ups! But now I’ve noticed another fresh level of hell on the board the past couple days. We’ve now got to endure a 500% increase in load time so we can watch black spots supposed to be faces of ghosts or whatever dancing around the page advertising some lame Halloween scam. Look, >:-#er’s, walking out of my door, opening my mail, even turning on the TV has become a Halloween freak show. Why the >:-# would I want to increase the Halloween in my life right now? You want some Halloween??? Leave this idiotic new form of hideously annoying ad on the bboard ONE MORE DAY and I’ll be showing up at your doorstep with the entire “Sex in the City” DVD collection and show you what TRUE HORROR really is!

SL4: I know I’m scared! JOC, time for your parting shot.

JOC: Thank you, SL4y. For years now Sliders fans have bashed me for everything from my appearance, my weight as a kid on “Stand By Me,” my humiliating strikeout with Debbie Gibson, my awful acting in seasons 3 and 4, the way I left the show, my abject refusal to talk about Sliders since my betrayal of it, and my boneheaded movie choices since. Now is my chance to retort. Millions of people, a large percentage of which are women, LOVE me. There are women who would crawl neekid through broken obsidian for the opportunity to kiss my feet and apologize for the way you people have treated me. I am the KID, bay-bee. If you don’t like it, I suggest you wait five more minutes until my career is over and my place is taken by ten other air headed hunk clones and the next time I’m seen is on Entertainment Weekly’s “Where are they now?” section! So there, funkfaces!

SL4: You poor, poor man. We’ll try to be more light handed with you in the future, Sherrie, I mean, Jerry. Mychand, we just yanked you out of the audience so you didn’t have time to prepare a parting shot. Do you have something on your mind to say?

Mychand: Yes, I do. The next time you want me on your hideous show, ASK me first, instead of using BS2001 to force me on here. And if you bash “Friends” ONE MORE TIME I’m going to tie you to a wall and force you to watch all 171 episodes TWICE!

SL4: NOOOOOOO! I’ll never mention that horrid show again, I promise!

Mychand: :-P

SL4: And now for my Parting Shot. Recently we’ve had more board purges by those evil mouth breathers at the Dominion. These tedious bastards are the ones I address this rant to. As my good friend TM just said, you’ve got hideously annoying ads all over the place right now so we KNOW you can afford to upgrade from your several 64 bit memory banks to something that can hold more than four pages of posts without crashing. You claim that no one goes back and reads the posts after they get more than a couple days old. You’re judging us in comparison to normal people! Normal people stopped coming to this board when the show was canceled! We are the hardcore elite Sliders fans who are more die hard than Jason and Freddy put together! We still come to this board and look at old posts. Is that too complicated for you to understand without pictograms? How else can Blinker decide an argument about what SpaceTime said to TemporalFlux 17 years ago if we don’t have the post to link to? How can I go back and rip off what someone did 17,000 posts ago, safely far back that no one has any idea it happened? WE. HAVE. NO. LIVES! That's why we're here! And we like to go back to old >:-# every now and then. Even Forest Nell could comprehend that, you should be able to as well. So the next time you think about purging Story Game posts or posts on any other Sliders related board ... I want you to grab your ears with both hands and pull your head out of your ASS!


SL4: And finally, a program note. Do YOU have a parting shot you want to get off your chest? It can be about anything, doesn’t have to be board or Sliders related. Have comments on current posts? Reply below and ask to be on the show. Anyone can play! We’ll see you in a couple days on our next ep.

“The Way it Wuz Talked About is brought to you by Those Annoying Bastards Who Show Up At Work 10 Minutes Early To Make The Rest Of Us Look Bad association! “We put the ‘punk’ in punctual.” By The Foot Fetish Foundation! “Feet! It’s what’s for sinners!” And by Sissy the Adult Clown!! Prefer hot female clown action? Then Sissy is your girl!”




SL4: Posts, that is, that were NOT Buffy related.

TM <leaning back again, the foam disappearing> : Oh.

Original URL http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/26846
Nominated by Blinker