TWIWTA (3.2)

Date: 10/25/2001
From: SL4ever

The Way it Wuz ... Talked About!

SL4: Hello again everybody! I’m your fabulous host, SL4ever! We have a great show for you tonight, especially since its 98% TIP free!! Right after these messages!


“Man: Where the >:-# is my house? None of these streets look familiar!

Passerby: Hey, you have North Carolina plates, maybe your house is in that state.

Man: Oh yeah! That’s right! I’m vacationing in Florida! Now, where the smeg is my hotel?

Passerby: Um, you’re driving a camper.

Man: Oh. TEE HEE.


Announcer: Do you have trouble remembering things?

Man #2: Honey, I’m home!

Woman: What the heck are YOU doing here?

Man: I live here, remember?

Woman: We divorced six years ago, REMEMBER?

Man: Oh yeah. That’s right! I live with Lisa now!

Woman: I heard she left your sorry >:-# two years ago.

Man: Oh yeah. TEE HEE.

<kid comes into the kitchen>

Man: Is that mine?

Woman: No.

Man #2: Oh yeah. Well, see ya later. <looks at the driveway> Which one is my car?


Announcer: Are you tired of the frustration of having a bad memory? We at Mind Enemas Inc. have the answer! Our CRACK team of researchers have discovered that people with bad memories have too much useless clutter in their brains. The plots of every Buck Rogers episode, your first grade friend’s phone number, sports trivia, bboard post html numbers, your mother in law’s name ... all kind of useless crap that doesn’t need to be in there! What you need is a Mind Enema to remove all but the usefuol stuff! We promise you'll remember everything you need to remember for up to three years or your money back!

Scientist <talking to sample patient> : Lay down on this gurney here and we’ll fix you right up.

Female patient: Okay. Will this hurt?

Scientist: Not at all. <picks up fire hose as nurse rubs lubricant on the patient’s right ear> Our patented formula of Gin, Uncle Tom’s Yeast Free Milk, saline solution, and oatmeal will have all the useless thoughts and memories out of your head in no time!

<twenty minutes later>

Scientist: Now, who shot JR?

Woman: I have no clue.

Scientist: What was your first boyfriend’s phone number?

Woman: I don’t know.

Scientist: Where do you have to be tomorrow?

Woman: Ah, man, I have to go to my husband’s best friend’s birthday party. Having a useful memory sucks.

Annoucer: Another successful procedure! Act now and we’ll throw in a regular enema absolutely free!”


SL4: We’re back, and let’s meet our panel. Our first guest is the singer of that horrid flowers CD and had something to do with Sliders, Kari Wuher!

Crowd: Please don’t sing! Please don’t sing!

KW: Did you have my hair dresser on last time or was I drunk?

SL4: Both. Our next guest is the funniest poster on the board, Blinker! He also has a kick >:-# website!

Crowd: WOO HOO!!!

BLK: Ahhhh, the sucking up begins. :-P

SL4: It’s not sucking up if it’s true. And finally, the creator of the greatest empire building game series of all time, Sid Meier!

Crowd: What the smeg does HE have to do with Sliders????

BLK <consulting watch mainframe> : Ahhhh, the long awaited Civilization III is finally in stores October 30th! SL4 is hoping for a free copy.

SM: Thanks, glad to be on Hollywood Squares.

SL4: Um, well, I kinda paid off your limo driver to bring you here instead. This is The Way it Wuz Talked About. Here are some printouts of recent posts, you can read them while the rest of us carry on.

SM: Oh well, WhooPIE Goldberg is annoying as all get out. So I’m glad I avoided all that.

SL4: Anyway, let’s get to it. First of all, I must say that its good to see an old fashioned, spontaneous flame war going on like is still happening in the “What happened to that MadTV Guy” post. I’m sure that with recent events more people than ever are turned off by flaming, but flaming just appeals to the evil side of me. I can’t explain it. I love doing it, and I love reading other people doing it. It is like spicy corn chips, I’ll always be addicted. I don’t even know what the beef between CoolSlider and Seth is, if there even is one. Or why Joey jumped it. But it’s not necessary to know the details to enjoy it. Just the reply titles and beginning text are hysterical.

KW: You vulture.

SL4: That I am. But funny is funny, and I’ll pick over any rotting corpse if there is amusement to be had. :-P

BLK: Ooooookay. Anyway, is there any cuter handle than “Sliderkitty” ??? Ahhhhh, look at that cute little Sliderkitty! It makes you just want to pet it!

Crowd: Did everyone mainline fairy dust before coming out tonight?

SL4 <pulling shirt sleeve further down arm> : Moving on, there was a LOT of fan fiction activity on the board since the last post. Slider_Quinn21 posted a new episode. SpaceTime finished his Story Game satire. ScifiSTP posted two more parts of his story. And TM gave us another segment of his latest. All this in 5+ days! That just proves what I said in response to Dellyone’s post that Sliders fans are the most productive fan fiction writers of any show! I dare say the most talented as well.

SM: You might be a little biased.

SL4: Of course I’m biased! I have a reason to be, Sliders Fans ROCK!!!

KW: Speaking of rocking, it was good to see another Blinker episode post. Especially after the way TM cuffed him around in the last one.

BLK: Hey, he had a point and I think I responded well. If you don’t watch it, I’ll give you a platinum star for 31 straight movies where you get neekid.

KW: 32. “Hosing Ho’s 2: The Electric Bungaloo” just came out.

SM <shuffling the printouts> : There should be a Sliders game post, but I don’t see one. I can picture a Sliders game. Each world can be a level, and they can be played in random order, depending upon which world you happen to land on. There could be Kromaggs and Logan, and Bennish could be following you. It would be an awesome action adventure game.

BLK: So you’ll do it?

SM: Me? Nahhh, too original. After Civ III I have to finish Gettysburg III, Railroad Tycoon III, Alpha Centari II, and give some creative feedback on Tomb Raider XXXIV.

KW: I see that my good buddy TIP is back. :-P I still have fond memories of when he was on the show last season. Hey TIP! :-* Bring all those arms up to me sometime, sugga. Oh darn, he ducked to the floor.

Crowd: You ever notice how the third season of a show sucks the big fat hairy nasty one? Sliders, of course. Buck Rogers, obviously. Matlock. The list goes on, and its starting to look like we can add TWIWTA to that long list!

SL4: Uh-oh, we’re losing them! Let’s get to more posts, people!

BLK: Well, MTR’s post, which you mentioned before, was an original idea. We should celebrate the fans more often. Sliders fans are great. Even the morons and trolls are a notch above those of other shows. Our lamest troll is more amusing than MST3K’s best trolls.

SM: Yes, that was an original post. Of course, they all are to me, since I’d never even heard of Sliders until 45 minutes ago.

KW: Well, speaking as a Weak Link to any series, I thought SpiderMonkee’s post about the Sliders mention on that show was interesting. Gone but not forgotten. Now if we could only get Bill Amend to mention us again. :-( That’s when I knew I wanted to be on Sliders, when it was mentioned on Foxtrot! :-P

SL4: That was cool that the contestant answered it without hesitation. Probably had more to do with JOC than anything else, but I’ll take it.

KW: Speaking of jocks, I LOVED eber3’s kinky post-

SL4: Ohgoodnessmelookatthetimelet’shaveacommerical!!


“Man in Spider Monkey suit: Hey man! Buy some Spider Grape Corn Chips! Come on! <tugging on man’s arm as he passes by the street corner.>

Pedestrian: Get lost, monkey boy.

Monkey Boy <thinking> : I don’t have ANY sales this morning. I suck at this.

Announcer: Do you suck at annoying advertising? Do you want to gain customers by annoying the crap out of them but you just can’t get it quite right? Chafe Ads is the advertising company for you! We invented the "take over your browser" 13 Ghosts ad and now we’re ready to take it to the next level! Look at how we’d handle this same situation!

Man in Spider Monkey suit <trips pedestrian, who falls to the concrete with a loud snapping sound and screams like a girl.> : HEY!!! BUY SPIDER GRAPE CORN CHIPS!!! <leaps onto flailing pedestrian and rubs his crotch in the helpless man’s face.> Do you want to buy them now???

Pedestrian: The only thing I want to buy is a lawyer, punk.

Monkey Boy: Hee hee. My work here is done. HEY LADY!!! BUY SOME GRAPE CHIPS!!! HEY, COME BACK HERE SO I CAN RIDE YOU UP THAT LIGHT POLE!!!!

Announcer: Chafe Ads! We’ll annoy people into buying your product! CALL US NOW, YOU SNIVELING WEASELS!!!!“


SL4: And we’re back. It’s time now for our Parting Shots and Blinker fires first.

BLK: Thanks SL4y. As I said in my post the other day, Beginning Text sucks more than being trapped 10 hours in an elevator with someone who has Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Beginning Text is another brilliant idea by the people who brought you Annoying Ghost Ads, Ads for a stoopid dog show that stayed in place six months AFTER the show was over, bboard purges, and Farscape. I can just imagine these geniuses sitting around a table maninlining Drano and drinking Herbal Scotch and one of them suddenly sits up and says, “hey! What if people want to see part of a post before they actually enter it?” This probably didn’t occur to you mendicants, but if I want to see what a reply says I’LL CLICK THE REPLY TITLE AND **LOOK** INTO THE REPLY!!! It’s not that difficult to do! Admittedly, the board usually runs slower than a crippled, broke down, just been mugged, paraplegic, drunken, 160 year old man wearing blocks of concrete for shoes so it will take be six hours for the reply to load, but that’s OKAY. I’ll click reply, go take a shower, get dressed, go to the theater and watch all three Godfather movies (sleeping through the third, of course), have a 25 course dinner, come back, and sit and wait the last few minutes for the page to finally load. That’s fine. I’d rather do that than see the first couple words of a reply! So take your Beginning Text, shove it up there with your First Wave reruns, and go do something useful, like inventing scented toilet paper, Monogrammed nose hair clippers, or fish net shower curtains!

SL4: Couldn't agree more. Kari, you’re next.

KW: For years there has been this debate about who is hotter, myself or Sabrina. These arguments usually devolve into personal attacks, flames, and bitter personality versus physical appearance debates. Putting aside the clear fact that obviously physical appearance is more important (when has being in a good mood first thing in the morning made a man satisfied 6 times in one night?), these debates are pointless. NONE OF YOU ARE EVER GOING TO TOUCH EITHER ONE OF US! Oh, you might shake our hand at an autograph session but that is the only physical contact you can ever hope for. Sabrina’s career is deader than Elvis sideburns (if she gets canceled one more time she’s going to break Tony Danza’s record) and you STILL don’t have a shot at her. She lives far away from most of you, she has more money than will pass through your Milky Way stained fingers in a decade, and she is hotter than the inside of a McDonald’s apple PIE when they first hand it to you. She is OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE. And *I* am ten times hotter, richer, and still have an acting career so if you have no chance with her then you have less than zero chance with me. Go ahead and keep dreaming if you want to, but debating which of us is hotter is like debating who would win in a fight, Alien or Predator. It’s never going to happen, so who gives a >:-#?

SL4: Sabrina’s gonna be here next time, and she already told me that her Parting Shot is going to be about you, so this will just add fuel to the fire. :-P

KW: Bring it on, baby.

SL4: Okay, Sid Meier fires next.

SM: Unfortunately, my second installment of the Civilization series started an odious trend in the computer gaming industry. It began innocently enough, Civ II was a very complex game and the manual, while thorough, could not cover the hundreds of details about all the city improvements, units, resources, forms of government, building scenarios, etc. So a companion book was written and published. It sold BIG TIME. Four printings later, all the drone leaders of what is a very copycat industry got the idea to produce “guides” for each new hideous game they release. What was once a rarity for the really tough practically unsolvable games became mandatory for all games. Well, we know what happened next, right? The only way to ensure good sales for the “guides” was to reduce the manual that accompanied the game. So now we have a situation where a six page booklet with 10 words to a page is perpetrated as the manual for the game and a $14.95 “guide” that is in reality the manual for the game is sold separately! What’s that? The manual is included in the game, you say??? Oh, you mean this postage stamp with pictures on it that is so skinny I can SEE THROUGH IT is supposed to be the manual? Well, by all means, let’s look inside it, shall we? Hmmm, three pages on how to install the game! This is 2001!!! All you need to do to install ANY program is PUT THE SMEGGING CD IN THE DRIVE!!!! The computer looks at the CD and loads the install program! If you have a pre modern-age computer or OS that does not do this, then I think that by now you’ve learned to click “RUN” and browse the CD. Even Executive could handle it. This applies only to people who have real computers, of course. I have no idea what those unfortunate bastards cursed with Macs do. So why is half the toilet tissue sized “manual” devoted to how to install the stupid game??? Moving on, the rest of the so called manual gives a few basic keyboard commands and a couple washed out, redundant screen shots, followed by a $50 a minute tech support number and the surprise information that a Guide to the game can be found wherever scam books are sold! This practice is OUTF-INGRAGEOUS but has overtaken the industry. But you have no choice, you either spend 100 hours trying to figure out which 125 key and button combination allows you to open doors or you bend over and tack on the extra cost of buying the real manual to the price of the game. Well, here’s a little guidance for YOU, you scam artist, money grubbing, double talking, dirtbags who makes these decisions ... you better pray to god the powers that be in other areas of entertainment don’t get a whiff of your sting operation and get a bright idea. That’s all we need, the plot of a movie being sold separately!

SL4: That’s not a horrible idea. I’d pay a couple bucks to figure out what the >:-# “A.I.” “American Psycho” and “A Simple Plan” were actually about.

KW: Some movies are unexplainable! I know, I’ve been in many of them!

SL4: I’m sure you have. And now for my Parting Shot. It’s fall so you know what that means. I’m not talking about the sad fact that women bundle up, concealing their delicious bodies, or the fact that I’ll be gaining my usual 300 pounds because of all that awesome home holiday cooking. :-P No, I’m talking about the new TV season. Specifically sitcoms. Each fall brings us a dozen new horrible sitcoms, which begs the question ... WHY?? The sitcoms we already have are awful enough, thank you very much. I’m going to say this slowly and loudly so that the powers that be in TV land can understand. THE SITCOM IS A WASHED UP, BONE TIRED, CREATIVELY STARVED FORMAT!!!! The sitcom, my friends, has been ***DONE*** Sitcoms have been around for 45-50 years now! At 6 new sitcoms a year that is a minimum of 300 different sitcoms that have at one time or another been on TV. And that’s speaking conservatively, and not even taking into consideration the cable explosion and the 20 sitcoms that fail each year on the WB network. The first 30 years, the first several hundred variations, you had some classic, laugh out loud consistently, sitcoms. But the past 20 years there have only been 3 or 4 above average sitcoms and 50 times that many out and out unwatchable make your hair hurt DOGS. How is it that the Simpsons can be just as amusing now as back in 1990 when a sitcom that makes you laugh out loud twice in a half hour is something to call friends about? Because the Simpsons is a wide open format not limited by set considerations, children growing up, or actors whose massive egos goad them into leaving to pursue doomed film careers. So many different sitcoms over the years means that every situation has already been covered by three other “situation comedies” in the past. You’d have to come up with a situation where a talking dog raises kids in a submarine to have something that has not been done before! God almighty, GIVE. IT. UP!!! Sitcoms are DEAD. I’m begging you, confine your love for exhausted retreads to cranking out another dozen LA cop series and renewing Diagnosis Murder for another five seasons!

SL4: And finally, come on, people! Sign up to be on the show! I promise not to abuse you too much, and you get to write your own Parting Shot! Sign up now and get a free “That’s Why I Wasn’t Too Abstinent” T Shirt!

“The Way it Wuz Talked About is brought to you by Mother Nature! “Go on, get cocky!” By Werewolf Haircuts! “Sideburns are IN, bay-bee!!” And by Sissy the Adult Clown!! She loves playing “Dunk the Clown” ! Who doesn’t want a wet clown???


“c'mere Monkey boy!!” -SweetOne

Original URL http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/26885
Nominated by Blinker