TWIWTA!!!!! (3.4)

Date: 04/26/2002
From: SL4ever

>>>>Due to time constraints and the already MASSIVE length of this post, there will only be one commercial tonight. Next week we’ll return to the traditional two commercial format.<<<<

Kari Wuher: Hi SL4ever! I just happened to be walking by and we never talk or anything but I just happened to notice you ruffling some sheets of paper. What’s up?

SL4 <ruffling sheets of paper> : The fans have spoken! The Way It was Talked About has been voted the number one show on SL4TV!!

Kari_Wuher <jumping up and down> : WOO HOO!! WOO HOO!!

SL4: In fact, it’s 19.5 overall rating dominated the field! Only Way Out West Mstied even came close, at 21.25.

SL4, TBH, and HTWD <from doorway> : F you! The vote was rigged!

SL4: Get outta here, LOSERS!!!

KW: I don’t understand where the numbers come from, SL4y.

SL4: I’m glad you asked that, Kari! <eyes shift towards the camera for a second, then hurry back to her face.> Because I can tell you! What I did was add up the numbers everyone gave their choices. The lower the overall number, the more desired the ep was. In the cases where people didn’t number 1-6 I doled out the numbers in the order they ranked them.

KW: What about my love slave, HK? He gave two choices a “1” and the other four choices a “2.”

SL4: That was challenging, I’ll admit! But since the vote was split for first place between B and C, I merely added 1 and 2 and then divided the result to get 1 + 2 = 3 /2 = 1.5 for B and C. I did the same for the other four. See? I had the bases covered!

KW: Can I see how everything ranked out, SL4ever?

SL4 <eyes shift again> : You sure can, Kari! I just happened to have the results printed out on this 30 X 42 poster board. Here ya go!


C) The Way it Was Talked About (1 ep a week, consistently, for at least two months.) 4,2,3,1.5,4,3,2=19.5

A) New MSTie ep, "Way Out West" 3, 1,1,4.25,4,5,3=21.25

D) "The History of the Board, Part 1" (in which great works of fiction are twisted to tell board history stories. Episodic) 2,3,5,4.25,4,2,4=24.25

B) Finish the Slidageddon story arc (Sliding_Skull, Lisa, etc) 1,6,6,1.5,4,1,6=25.5

E) "Four Slides" Four chapters in length. Each chapter describes what would happen if each Slider goes through the vortex first. Hilarity ensues. 5,4,2,4.25,4,6,1=26.25

F) "The Dinner" Serious Slidette. How big a price is Remmy willing to pay to destroy the Kromaggs? 6,5,4,4.25,1,4,5=29.25

KW: Wow, SL4ever! The fans said they’d rather have dinner with Peckinballs than EVER read that piece of >:-# called “The Dinner” !!!

SL4: Trust you to focus on the negative! I kinda like how it played out. “Four Slides” got hammered by finishing 5th but we’ll see it soon in an unexpected way. :-P “The Dinner” got pimp slapped around, sure, but I can’t figure out how exactly to play it anyway, so the fans actually saved my red bottom in this case. And Slidageddon turns out to be one of those things that people either love or hate with three 1’s and three 6’s, so if I finished it I would have half the fans loving me and half of them hating me. If I don’t finish it, I’ll have half the fans hating me and half the fans loving me. I like those odds!

KW: So what’s the bottom line, SL4ever?

SL4: I’m glad you asked that, Kari! I’m gonna do one show a week of TWIWTA, do an ep or two a week of WOW MSTied, and star working on the History of the Board, Pt 1. This will last until I get sick of one or the other of these things and then I’ll move on.

KW: Thanks SL4ever! We should have these completely spontaneous conversations more often!

SL4: Yes we should, Kari. Yes. We. Should.


The Way it Wuz ... Talked About!

SL4: Hello again everybody! I’m your fabulous host, SL4ever! Welcome to our third season of TWIWTA! We’ve been in reruns for a week or two but we’re back and ready to get the show started! Right after these messages, of course.

Producer: I said there was only one commercial this time!

SL4: Oh. Er, okaaaaay. And we’re back!!! <eyes shift> Let’s meet our panel. Our first guest is the fantastic host of the Sliders Role Playing Game Online, Vortex62!!!

Crowd: Oh, THIS isn’t a kiss yo ASS move for continued support! Uh uh! O:-)

V62: Thanks man! Glad to be here!

SL4: Our next guest is the loathed, the hated, none other than The Dominion!!!

Crowd: Eh?

The_Dominion: Hooooooowdeeeee!!!

SL4: And finally, you know her and need her for when you’re drowning because she always has her personal floatation devices with her, Kari Wuher!!

Crowd: What’s happening with all these funky photos, girl??

KW: What can I say? The camera loves me! :-*

SL4: Alrighty then! First of all, there’s been a lot of inspiration on the board lately, hasn’t there?

<sound of crickets chirping in the distance>

SL4: Um, Kari, that was your cue.

KW: Oh! TEE HEE!! Oh, yes SL4ever! You’re right! Let’s take a look!

TM: "The Trouble With Doubles" Part 1 has been written by me, as has Part 1 of a stand-alone fic called "The Originals". I will post both as replies to this post. If you would like, please tell me which one you would prefer I immediately follow up on. You may also tell me that you want me to continue both, or neither, or whatever suits your fancy. And if your handle happens to be 90, you don't even have to bother with replying, just make a new post on the subject and somehow throw in that the "Sliders" movie has been cancelled.

V62: LOL!! That’s what I like about TM, he's not stuck on himself and he can actually toss a lob at a moron like 90 without flying off the handle.

TD: I hate the fact that he is still here! I must find a way to suck more life out of the board so that all the cool people like him will abandon it.

KW: So then after a stoopid SL4ever post that was inspired by TM, we get this one from The_Seer.

TS: c'mon, you at least got to admit the ending is better than either "This Slide of Paradise", with Quinn's dumb "We've slid into the future!" remark, or "Revelations", which revealed absolutely nothing except that the vortex can somehow defy physics and follow the sliders as they attempt to slide off the back of a train

TD: We admit NOTHING!

SL4: I hate to say it, but he makes a very good point in this post. “The Seer” still sucks though. But mostly because of bad writing, not the initial idea. In “Requiem” and “Revelations” etc the ideas that spawned the final script were ludicrous and even mean spirited.

KW: I don’t know how they EVER got Sabrina to agree to voice over “Requiem”!! She must have been one missed paycheck away from eating catfood out of a can!

V62: The final TM inspired post so far is Chaser’s recent one about his own fan fiction.

Chaser: I've been doing some thinking lately and since "When to Stand" feels like it needs a complete overhaul (Every time I look at it, the Elian Gonzales overtones bother me.) I thought I would ask the advice of the people who matter most, the fans!

SL4: I know what he means, I had to scrap an entire story I had almost finished involving the Sliders going to a world’s New York City and the Kromaggs showing up. You can figure out the rest. >:-#

KW: Who was Elian again? Is that the person who slept with Jack Welsh after an interview lunch and cost him his marriage, and thus millions of dollars?

V62: Not even close, mendicant.

SL4: Speaking of fan fictions, I did finally read HK’s HillSlide 7 and it was moist excellent! It was a little disconcerting that I didn’t get around to reading until AFTER MTwain considering she visits the board about once a year! But in any case, check out this fictional goodness. :-P

HK: Remmy stood at the station lobby, his pipe still dripping from the dark blood of the previous encounter. Like everything else in the station, the lobby looked radically different. Instead of desks covered in files and memos, Remmy saw two rows of rusted metal tables, each one had long bundle of rusted chains sitting on top. The offices further down still stood, but its door were also heavily corroded. Sitting near one of nearest table was a bucket of strange tools; some rusted, some stained like most of the tabletops. The light glowed from the small box clipped to his sleeve, providing much needed illumination to the barren space, since the window was somehow sealed with aged plaster.

SL4: This is not typical fan fiction writing. He really puts you in that room. There is a lot of horror genre window dressing which is fast becoming his trademark. Almost anyone can do a decent job with dialogue and action but it takes hard work to, in just about 120 words, perfectly sets up the scene and the mood.

KW: What is this? Critic’s Corner? Where’s the yucks?

V62: We don’t have to go any farther than your chest to find plenty of yucks! :-P But in any case, I agree. Another wonderful chapter from IHK!!

SL4: We’ll be right back!


“Computer: Beep. Your Warlock has been eaten.

Boy: >:-#!! Okay, my mighty warrior will settle this!

Computer: Beep. Your warrior has been eaten.

<sound of monster in game belching>

Boy: This sucks! Where’s my game cheats magazine? Nah, this one just covers Civ III and Resident Evil cheats. Shoot, this one only covers Alice. WHERE IS MY DUNCES AND DRAGONS CHEAT CODES???

Announcer: Are you tired of keeping track of cheat codes for dozens of games? Are you the kind of impotent moron who can’t win a game without using cheats? Then “Your Cheating ASS” is the computer game service for you! No tedious and hard to follow manuals!!

Boy: Found it! Okay, it says that to get my men back I have to stand on one foot while holding the gamepad in my buttcrack. Then I hop up and down exactly five times, leap to my hands, squeeze my butt, and whistle “Ima LU-CZAR”!! That’s all I have to do to get immortal characters! WOO HOO!!

Announcer: Are you tired of how complicated cheat codes are? Call “Your Cheating ASS” right now and never have to worry about it again!

<doorbell>

Boy: Hello?

<thin Asian teenage boy with soupcan sized wrists and extra brains strapped to the back of his neck> : Hello. My name is Kikassa. I’m from “Your Cheating ASS.”

Boy: WOO HOO!! I’m sick of how complicated and disparate cheat codes have gotten. Hook me up!

Kikassa: Step aside. <goes to computer, sits down, and fires up game. Begins playing, immediately stomping a mudhole in the game’s butt.>

Boy: Um, are you playing to where you’ll show me the code or what?

Kikassa: No! I am playing the game for you! You can’t handle the game so I’ll play it for you.

Boy: But ... it’s not fun if I don’t play it myself!

Kikassa <hands working gamepad with abandon> : And you ARE playing the game yourself if you use cheat codes?

Boy: You’re right! The only goal is, after all, to reach the end so I can go out and buy another one! <pulls up chair> Moist excellent! Show them who’s boss for me!

Computer: Sniff. Sir! I beseech you! Stop crushing me!

Kikassa: TEE HEE!! I love it when they beg! On your knees computer!!

Announcer: Awwww. Another satisfied customer! So don’t waste your time with cheat codes any longer! Call us today and always win from now on!”


SL4: And we’re back. Continuing with our theme, MissingSliderLogan has produced some warm goodness lately. For instance:

D1: At last we reached the building that my Dad had told my mom about earlier. It was a tall building and in the dark it was really scary. There were many shadows. I didn't like the feeling I was getting. I looked at my Mom then the building again. "Mom, I don't want to go in there. Are you sure Dad said to meet us here?" She was silent for a few seconds.

TD: WOO HOO!! I want some more of that grim storytelling! :-P

SL4: She has really gotten into character. And every week she digs deeper. I’m very curious to see how far down the rabbit hole goes! :-P

KW: Another person who’s producing warm fictional goodness is DellyOne!

SL4: Um, yes, <eyes shift> another person. Here’s a bit from the fabulous “Facets of Fiction”

D1: Charlie wandered over to the figure shackled to a wall with a man placing bricks to wall him in. “I wonder if I can get my brother in on this too. Hmmm… but he said that he was already auditioning. Go bro!”

V62: ROTF!!! It doesn’t get any better than this one! :-P

SL4: Well, we’re running out of time so quick “attaboys” to Hunter on his return, to CoolSlider on several good posts lately,

CS: Itz 4/20, yo

WHOZ GOT THA CRONZ BUDZ???????????

*sigh* I think this is truly the collapse of civilization.

SL4: Nah, just a sign that hilarity will never leave the board as long as you’re around! :-*

KW: HEY! I want kisses too!!

SL4: Oh my, look at the time! It’s time now for our Parting Shots. I have an extra long shot, so we only have time for Vortex to rant.

KW: But you told me if I came back on I could rebut what that stick insect Sabrina said about me!!

SL4: There’s nothing to rebut. She hammered you into submission! Vortex62?

V62: Thanks SL4ever. I let the news of “The Six Million Dollar Man” inspired movie called “The Six Billion Dollar Man” pass me by without a blink. After I finished throwing up, I even put aside the news that “Scooby Doo” is going to be a movie this summer. But then I found out that Hawaii 5-0 is NEXT!!! HAWAII FREAKING FIVE-OH!! Well, actually, it isn’t such a shock that another old crappy TV series is gonna be made into a high budget bomb. And don’t tell me that because it ran for 13 years it had millions of fans. 90% of the people who tuned in did so because they liked to listen to the cool theme music while they had their last blunt of the day. Then they turned off the TV, giggled at the ingredient list printed on the back of their Cheetos bag, and went to sleep to dream of one of Charlie’s Angels or Daisy Mae. What most people were NOT doing was watching that horrid show back then and what they will not be doing next year is lining up to shell out 10 bucks to see a smegging movie made from a TV series that was >:-#-canned a decade before most of the people reading these words was even born! What really pisses me off is the fact that there is money to make a movie from Hawaii 5-0, My Favorite Martian, The Flintstones (allow me to repeat that, THE >:-#-ING FLINTSTONES!!!), Lost in Space, etc but somehow there is just no money or interest in making a Sliders movie! As a matter of fact, TWO Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman TV movies have been made!! That this utter crap, surpassing Little House on the Prairie as the most insipid, soppy, and WORST horse opera ever made-.

SL4: Oh, you’ve gone too far now! Worse than “As Michael Landon Cries”????

V62: Dude! I challenge you to find anyone sitting in front of a TV while this obscenely horrible show is airing who could pass a mirror to the mouth inspection! It’s not gonna happen unless they’ve recently been to a dinner party hosted by Hannibal Lector and thus are missing all or most of their brains! Anyway, as I was saying, the fact that this Doctor Finn, Medical Shark could spawn two TV movies and Sliders can’t even get a Saturday morning cartoon is highly annoying!!! When will it be our turn? <standing and clapping> When Lord? When is gonna be our turn at the great almighty alter of carnality known as the Big Screen TV series ripoff? How many more times are we gonna be passed by, Lord? Must we wait for “All in the Family,” “Airwolf,” and “21 Jumpstreet” before it is finally our turn??? That’s all I wanna know, Lord! WHEN IS GONNA BE OUR TURN????!!!!!

SL4: Thanks Vorty! The next parting shot is The Dominion.

KW: But you said that there was only time for one other!

SL4: I meant there isn’t time for YOUR parting shot.

KW: >:-#

TD: Thanks SL4y. Today is Friday. The NBA playoffs have been going on since last Saturday and last night we had two Game 2s! 6 days into the playoffs and we had four teams with only one game so far under their belts? Yes, it’s true. It’s now taken six days for 16 teams to play 16 games. Welcome to the first round of the NBA playoffs. Eight 5-game series that will reduce 16 teams down to 8 to begin a summer long quest to find out who is going to get swept by the LA Lakers in the NBA finals. The only thing more tedious and irrelevant than the first round of the NBA playoffs is NFL preseason games! So why in the >:-# would you want to drag it out for two weeks???

Let’s look at the Nets-Pacers series for example. Game 1 was Saturday, Game 2 was Monday. Game 3 is not until tonight, the FOLLOWING FRIDAY! It takes four days to travel from New Jersey to Indianapolis??? I could WALK from New Jersey to Indianapolis in four days!! Game 4 is not scheduled until the next TUESDAY!! Tuesday!! The time in between is so great that the Nets are flying home and COMING BACK between games! Game 5, if necessary, would then be played back in New Jersey ON THURSDAY! So let me get this straight. It takes four days to go from New Jersey to Indianapolis but only two days to go from Indianapolis to New Jersey??? WHAT THE >:-#????? The answer is simple. Though irrelevant because what rare bottom seed does advance to the second round gets jackhammered 4-1 or 4-0 by the next team, the first rounds are stretched out over two weeks to allow every single game to be televised in prime time without any other playoff game competition. (The NHL playoffs, not being a real sport, don’t count as competition) Money. Pure and simple, it’s a monkey – er – money call. Why can’t all stupid decisions come from the decision makers being morons like the Sci Fi channel, instead of pure and simply because of money?

KW: I got bumped because of a stupid sports rant? Just shoot me!

Crowd: Don’t tempt us! :-P

SL4: And now for my parting shot. Star Wars II premieres in about three weeks, and I don’t think its much of a secret that I’m more up for this movie than any since Return of the Jedi was about to come out 19 years ago. It’s unfortunate that Star Wars II is saddled with a name so lame that you’d think they dug up Andy Kaufman, hosed him off, got him drunk, and wrote down the first four words he said and used that. “Attack of the Clones” ??? What was the problem, you woulda got sued for using “The Drexes Clonesaw Massacre?” Jesus. Anyway, that aside, it doesn’t get any better than a this one for me! I’m gonna be laying in the aisles unable to breath from laughing so hard when Yoda finally picks up saber and kicks Christopher Lee’s hot ASS!! Seeing Yoda throw down is gonna be so funny they might throw me out of the theater! The return of the Fetts, along with super hot female bounty hunter Zam Wesell (played deliciously by Leeanna Walsman) adds the criminal spice that Episode I lacked. Seeing Samuel L. Jackson shove his 14 inch boots (as well as his two meter light saber) up someone’s unfortunate poon tang is gonna rock as well. It appears from trailers that Obi Wan and Anakin bust some heads as well. All in all, it looks like there will be as much if not more action in this one as there was in Episode VI. And then there is Goddess o’ Hotness Natalie Portman sizzling up the screen with the love B plot (and don’t turn your back on her, she’ll crack a dome or two as well! She’s not afraid to fight!) that is made all the sweeter with the knowledge that it is gonna end badly. :-P

What is my point? Just an announcement that I’m officially sick of the two biggest reasons behind Star Wars Ep II bashing. Bashing it for the name or the heinous Jar Jar Binks is fine, those are legitimate reasons to do so. Even watching it and not liking it is obviously fine. But bashing it ahead of time for “1) having too much CGI” or 2) "not being as good as the original three movies” is moronic!

Can anyone guess why Star Wars II “has too much CGI” ??? Anyone?? BECAUSE YOU CAN’T GO OUT TO YOUR BACKYARD AND FILM THE ALIENS AND SPACESHIPS THE SCRIPT CALLS FOR!! If you know a Hutt, then by all means give him George Lucas’ phone number! Otherwise, shut the >:-# UP! They’re using CGI because that is the best available way to show aliens, laser battles, spaceships, and everything else SET IN A REALITY THAT DOES NOT EXIST ... which kinda makes it hard to film without using special effects, doesn’t it? Nobody hammered “The Ten Commandants” for using too much bath tub, did they? A movie tells the story by any means necessary, and the Star Wars universe requires every CGI that you can come up with.

As for the first movie and now this one not adding up to first three made, we won’t know until we actually SEE Star Wars II, will we? Actually, I can already answer that. NO, there is no movie that could ever be made that would stack up to the Holy Trilogy. The very simple reason is that the people who saw the movies as a kid in 1977-’83 SAW THEM AS A KID! Everything is better when you’re a kid! Food is better, video games are better, CRACK is better, sex is better, friends are better, and yes, movies are better. Part of this is because we haven’t been beaten down by life yet and part of this is because we don’t have much experience yet so anything halfway decent blows us away. Seeing the movies again as adults reminds us of when we saw them originally as kids and thus makes us feel young again. Seeing ANYTHING new as adults is just not going to feel the same. Even if it is far superior. Kids seeing Star Wars II who love it will rate that movie better than Star Wars Episode X two decades years from now even though the special effects will be filmed in Mind Motion and beamed directly to our spines, a far superior format as everyone knows.

To summarize, Star Wars II is gonna rock HARD CORE but if you don’t like it that’s okay, just find a legitimate reason to bash it, not the two tired super lame reasons mentioned above.

KW: Nerd.

SL4: That’s our show for this week! Join us next week when we’ll have the DUCKman himself! Quack!!

“The Way it Wuz Talked About is brought to you by Popup Spam! Now you have to delete two things before you’re rid of us! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!! By The Dominion! Join our board and be annoyed by us and we’ll throw in annoying trolls absolutely free! And by Sissy the Adult Clown!! Now with purple lipstick! What are you waiting for! Call the Clown!”


“What is this? Critic’s Corner? Where’s the yucks?”

Original URL http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/27835
Nominated by Blinker