The Way it Was Talked About!!

Date: 06/06/2002
From: Brand_S

[In this special arbitrary issue of TWIWTA, things will be done slightly differently, but the idea is still the same!]

[Zoe McLellan dances romantically with some guy while "their song" plays: "Closer," by Nine Inch Nails. Suddenly, her "Logan Sense" tingles.]

Zoe: My Logan Sense! Oh, shit... FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GUYS, IT WAS ONE EPISODE OF A TV SHOW I DID A REALLY REALLY LONG TIME AGO!!!!! PLEASE, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

[Seven men in white jumpsuits flood the room, each armed with a cattle prod. Zoe tries to run, but it doesn't last long. Before she can take more than five steps... ZZZZZT! ZZZZZT! ZZZZZT! ZZZZZT! ZZZZZT! ... and she's out.]

[Meanwhile, the Green Ranger fights the forces of evil in his Dragon Zord, when suddenly, an even bigger robot in a white jumpsuit walks up.]

Jumpsuit Man: Giant Robot TWIWTA Super Fantastic Magic Magma Magna Ray Cannon FIRE!

[The Green Ranger sees the "Sliders" logo on the jumpsuit.]

Green Ranger: But... I've never even SEEN Sliders...

Jumpsuit Man: Does my boot care about that when it's halfway under your Dragon Zord's tail?

[In a bar, Sharon Stone and Tembi Locke pound a few beers with their arms around each other.]

Sharon Stone: Come on, Tembi! Haven't you ever thought about it...? I could get you where you want to go in Hol-ly-wood!

Tembi Locke: Hmmm... I don't know...

[We cut to a scene where the two are lying naked in bed.]

Sharon: Well, I think now you see why people keep writing about you in this situation.

Tembi: Wow.

Sharon: By the way, Tembi...

[Sharon reaches for the scar on her neck, the one Tembi thought was just the most misguided circumcision ever. Sharon pulls off her mask... revealing Brand_S' face underneath! With Sharon Stone's arm, Brand_S produces a tranq gun.]

[We now go to Jerry O'Connell, desperately running through the back alleys of Los Angeles. He finally thinks he's home free... then he sees Brand_S standing on his Red Sled, surrounded by 14 men in white suits.]

Brand_S: The jig is up, Jerry!

[Jerry whirls around, only to see 14 more white jumpsuits.]

Jerry O'Connell: But it was SUCH A LONG TIME AGO!

Brand_S: What can I say? It's for the show!

[We now go to a talk show room. Brand_S sits behind a desk, smiling.]

Announcer: And now, it's time for...

Audience: THE. WAY. IT. WAS. TALKED. ABOUT!

Announcer: That's right. And here's your host... Brand_S!

[As the crowd roars, S just looks out and smiles.]

Brand_S: Well, boys and girls, we have a great show for you tonight. Let's bring in the guests!

[Five trapdoors open. Tied to chairs and gagged with bandanas, Zoe McLellan, the Green Ranger, Tembi Locke, and Jerry O'Connell struggle in their restraints as they're brought into public view. A fifth chair hosts fanfic character Id, fresh from her S7 stint. White Jumpsuits come in and take the gags off the forced guests.]

Brand_S: Glad to see you all in such good shape. Jerry, you seem to like the little something extra I had my guys put on the seat of your chair!

Jerry: NO, this is NOT a good show! I am being raped from behind!

Zoe: Why must you Sliders fans insist on stalking me?! I don't even have Jerry's eye color! I HATE JERRY!!!

Jerry: WHAT?!

Brand_S: I'm glad to see you're all so ready to get down to business! Where do we begin?

Id: Well, there's the first post after the last TWIW, that Kindly Ones thing by SL4ever.

Brand_S: Ah, yes, the pivotal series that addresses the sociopolitical and ultimately internal pressures that ultimately brought Logan St. Clair down. Being that my guests were force-fed every post in the last month for this show, and reminded that any future freedom relies on their ability to remember this stuff, I'll let them field this one.

Id: You didn't read it, did you?

Brand_S: NEXT POST! ... Uh... let's see here... There's zyzzybalubah attempting to start a debate about all the later worlds of Sliders using Earth Prime as a template.

Green Ranger: Yes. Indeed... Can I be freed now?

[The Green Ranger's trapdoor suddenly opens and swallows him whole. Following a dazzling array of ungodly screams, he resurfaces, his costume in tatters and his head lolling barely-consciously on his neck.]

Tembi: I'd like to take this time to say that zyzzybalubah raises a very interesting point, but one must remember that everyone writes from one point of view, and this is something that is often reflected when someone has no idea how to write a TV show. Well, that, and Lunchboy WAS leading the whole thing.

Brand_S: Very good, Tembi. You've earned this.

[Brand_S pushes a button on his remote. Tembi's chair starts vibrating wildly. She leans back and enjoys it.]

Jerry: What about me? ME?!

Brand_S: Do you know how to pucker up your sphincter?

Jerry: Uh... No?

Brand_S: Well, you have less than a second to learn.

[The audience laughs with schadenfreude as Brand_S pushes a button. Jerry screams and bucks wildly in his seat.]

Jerry: Doesn't no ever mean no anymore?!

Zoe: Wasn't there some post about stupid Christians who have twisted their faith to make them hate certain aspects of Sliders?

Brand_S: YES, Callie21V's little gem. I feel that it's important to note that these people so readily assume that everything else is flat-out wrong and what they have been told all their lives is absolutely correct.

Jerry: I... URK... find it... strange... that... that one... guy... took... cross... dress... ing... to mean... offense... against... Christians... Sphincter... Defenses... at... 5... perce... NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Tembi: I feel it's important to note that one person was offended by Maggie.

Id: Yes, once again, her very existence, the fact that she exists in any way, shape, or form, unnerves someone who obviously can't stand getting his bubble burst.

Brand_S: Moving right along... Informant regales us once again with his hobby of sitting in one area and taking in media with little to no resistance. If the British Southern-American-Gospel Electronica supergroup A3 quoted Mao Tse Tung saying "Change must come through the barrel of a gun," leave it to Infy to say, "Change must come through my ass on a cushion."

Green Ranger: S... bitter... because... Infy... slam... X-Men...?

Brand_S: Is it time for another "session?"

Green Ranger: Sorry... S...

Id: As someone who hasn't seen "Spider-Man," I found this all very interesting. It only makes me want to see the movie more...

Brand_S: Sometimes, Id, I almost think I'm your daddy!

Jerry: Didn't... the... OH, GOD... last person... to... call... you... daddy...

Brand_S: WHAT, Jerry?!

Jerry: Wearing... an... ape... mask...?

Brand_S: I think it's electrical shock time!

Jerry: I'll... be... good...

[Brand_S pushed a button on his remote. The chair stopped acting up. Jerry calmed right back down almost instantly... but he was still panting.]

Brand_S: I'll let you off easy for now. I DO write for the children.
So far, we've got SL4ever writing a badass story, zyzzybalubah writing an interesting debate topic that sadly was not followed up on, Callie getting my blood boiling, and Infy talking about his new faith in Marvel Comics. What next?

Tembi: Uh... Kari likes hentai!

Brand_S: Yes, thanks to my somewhat distrustful but very informative friend FogBoy, we've all learned why exactly Kari has those security locks on the doors to her living room. FogBoy services us all once again... even if this time it concerns what Kari takes with her to service herself.
Next?

Zoe: I saw that ShaggySlider revived the art of sending an inquiry to TemporalFlux.

Brand_S: Indeed. It's a bit sad that I haven't had the pleasure of talking to TemporalFlux in a great while, but I'm glad to see he's still keeping himself busy with keeping others happy. I'm starting to think there's more than one TemporalFlux.

Zoe: I thought I overheard you say you were one of the TemporalFluxes.

Brand_S: [out of corner of mouth] Shut UP.

Zoe: Oh, sorry.

Brand_S: SO, Yeontoo and Sabre_Edge, the two people online who have come closest to being my best friend and my exact twin, brought to my attention the art of evil planning!

Tembi: Yeah, your evil twin Yeontoo's still got it...

Brand_S: I'm going to pretend you understood what I just said. At any rate, it's great to see those two again, as it ALWAYS IS!

Tembi: Doctor_Quinn and the Hunter are here too.

Brand_S: I noticed. I'm glad to see that Informant's original plans to have Hunter's liberal ass deported to Malaysian salt mines didn't go over well. And let's not forget that DoctorQuinn was a fan of my fanfic when nobody else was.

Zoe: Hey, are you CRYING? You're not CRYING, are you. Whoa, everybody, take a lookat--HWUH!

[Before Zoe was even surprised, her trapdoor opened and swallowed her whole. If there were any tears on S' face, a casual flick of the wrist whisked them away in less than a second.]

Brand_S: I'll just let her spend the rest of the episode thinking about what she was trying to pull.
So, let's see here... more fanfic stylings by ThomasMalthus and Slider_Quinn21 and HurriKain... great guys, all...

Green Ranger: The X-Files finale got a lot of attention! I watched it!

Brand_S: You did?! I've been looking all OVER for a site with good spoilers for that episode! What happened? What? WHAT?!

Green Ranger: Actually... I kinda... sorta... watched Survivor instead!

Brand_S: AAAAAGH! That doesn't help ME! That's what I watched, and only because my parents basically forced my hand! I don't care about Vecepia "Melon-in-Her-Oddly-Shaped-Head" Towery! I care about Gillian "I-Haven't-Smiled-in-Nine-Years" Anderson!

Id: Next?

Brand_S: DAMN RIGHT, DAY! Ooh, Recall put up some Otherworlds stuff. Recall is such an awesome writer. You all DID read his stuff, right?

Green Ranger: You made me!

Brand_S: That's the spirit!
Well, to skip over a large gap, I noticed that Slider_Sarah made a very interesting point about Quinn not having any friends. I thought it was pretty interesting. I even almost replied!

Jerry: Quinn has lots of friends, and so do I! ... Well, at least I have Kari's hentai collection. Who leaves a copy of "Giant Robot Rape" in her trailer anyway? They're just asking for it, really!

Brand_S: Jerry, sometimes you're more impossible than finding a good Swamp Thing cartoon fan site.
So... Ooh! I see I reposted the finale of one of the greatest Sliders fanfics EVER!

Id: S, you're REALLY freakin' me out.

Jerry: You know, I can't help but get the impression that you're writing this and mentioning that post both for the SOLE PURPOSE of seeing your name mentioned in a TWIWTA again. Sometimes I can't help but wonderHWUH!!!

[Jerry's trapdoor swallowed him whole.]

Id: All I know is, I need a fanfic series of my own, just like poor little limbo-residing Fucka!

Brand_S: It's just a shame my good friends SpaceTime and darkslider didn't grace the pages of this Board more in the last month. But hey... what's a boy to do?

Id: I see we have time for one more.

Brand_S: Recall's new BBSA. Makes me want to write one of my own. Recall is the master of disaster, the king of crimson...

Id: He writes really good ficiton?

Brand_S: He sure does, Id. He SURE DOES. ... Well, I'm going home. Wanna be in one of my stories?

Id: I sure do.

[Brand_S and Id walk away from a cheering crowd. As he leaves, S sends the Green Ranger through his trapdoor into oblivion, and sets Tembi's chair to "XTreme Vibrate."]

Brand_S: Somehow, I get the feeling everything will be JUST FINE!

[Brand_S and Id laugh hysterically while screams resonate from below the floor and Diana falls into a drooling trance.]

Jerry: [from under the floor] Didn't S used to have a crush on one of the post... AAAAAHHH!!! NOT THE CATS! PLEASE!

And it was good.

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And the bottom drops out!

Original URL http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/28016
Nominated by Blinker