TWIWTA!!!!! (3.5)

Date: 06/09/2002
From: Brand_SL4ever

Slider_Sarah: SL4ever! Sarah, ambitious journalist for the Sliders News Network! What do you think of Brand_S’s attempted coup of TWIWTA?

SL4ever: I stole the concept from the MST3K board, Politically Incorrect, and The Sports Reporters ... I’m in no position to complain.

SpaceTime: ST from Prime News, what about the rumors that you and Brand_S have been bitterly feuding since his comments about you in his farewell series of posts? :-P

SL4: Brand_S and I are good friends, we talk often.

ST: Oh, THAT clinches it! That’s what they all say when they secretly wanna drive railroad spikes through each other’s heads!

SL4: You’re leaving out the fact that he also said he liked me during those comments. He’s been a big supporter of SL Enterprises over the years! I have nothing but admiration for him.

Robinbunchanumbers: Robin from The Daily Slider. What about this memo from January 2000 where you said, and I quote, “there is only room on this board for ONE S poster!” This was followed by a bizarre emoticon featuring the pound sign for some reason.

SL4: I was quoted out of context in that memo.

Robinbunchanumber: YOU wrote the memo!!

SL4ever <reaching studio door> : Thank you all! Thanks, I have to go. Why don’t you stay and enjoy the show?

<rushes in and slams the door. Behind him more questions are shouted.>

“SL4ever! Isn’t it true you’re selling the show to some Stargate investors?!”

“Why are your ratings in the toilet!?”

“SL4ever! What is that dog thing on your website all about?!”

ThomasMalthus: What about the 46 lawsuits from posters tired of you putting words in their mouths?

Blinker: Opps, make that 47!! 7:-P


<SL4ever rushes to dressing room and slams that door. Goes over and sits heavily down in his easy chair.>

“That was ugly.”

“Blinker was getting too close, we had to do something to throw him off the trail. Who knew it would lead to this media circus?”

“That circus will further cloud his investigation.”

<SL4ever reaches over and turns on his mirror light, revealing that he is alone in the room. Then he pulls off his SL4ever mask, revealing half a SL4ever face and half a Brand_S face.>

“No one must ever know! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!”



The Way it Wuz ... Talked About!

SL4: Hello again everybody! I’m your fabulous host, SL4ever! Welcome to our third season of TWIWTA! We’ve back once again for a very special “Countries that RULE” edition! Check the latest MSTie series for details of why Canada and Australia rule! But not until you’ve watched these messages, of course!

“Announcer: You’ve seen him on HBO!!

Farty: I get sick of guys coming on to me! I keep telling them, ‘pick up a >:-#-ing dictionary! Fairy means more than Richard Gere! There’s nothing wrong with liking women or men, but I just happen to prefer sheep so LEAVE ME ALONE!!

Announcer: You saw him get kicked off the Jay Leno show!

Jay Leno: So Farty, is it true you knocked up the Honey Nut Cherrios bee?

Farty: What is this >:-#? I came on here to hype my new movie, why are you sandbagging me?

Jay Leno: You violated that poor bee, drained her bank account, and left her pregnant, as a father I find this repugnant!

Farty: Oh yeah? <draws wand> Well how about I turn YOU into a bee and you can go marry her?!?! <KAZAAM!!>

Jay Leno <hovering over desk>: Get off my show, you azzzzzz! You’re bugging me!

Announcer: Now you can see Farty the Insult Fairy like you’ve never seen him before! FOX presents “Full Fairy” the new sitcom about a Comic Fairy who finds out one day he’s left a trail of bastard children all across America!

<Knock on door>

Farty <opening door to discover a half gnome child, a half elf child, a half ferret child, a half dragon child, and a half cat child.> : Uh oh.

Children: Daddy!!

Farty: >:-# This is still more likely than that “Ally McBeal having a 15 year old daughter” plot twist. You kids stay right there. I have a flame thrower somewhere.

Announcer: Don’t miss a single adventure! Giggle as he takes his children to the zoo!

Elfie: Daddy! Dragony turned Kitty into Blackened Cajun Kitty Breast again!!

Announcer: Cry as Farty starts to get all mushy!

Farty: One more sound outta any of you and I’m bringing out the Gimp!

Announcer: Full Fairy!!! Fridays this fall on FOX!!”


SL4: And we’re back, now let’s meet our panel. Tonight all our guests are from countries that RULE! Our first guest is the Blink Man from #3 Canada!

Crowd: Wasn’t he on like last week?

Blinker: That was a rerun!

Crowd: Even the new shows are reruns! What are you talking about?

SL4: Our next guest is also from #3 Canada, Coooooooooooooolslider!

CS: The water’s perfect, come on in. :-P

SL4: And finally, from #2 Australia, Ozslider!

OZ: I keep telling you folks, you better recognize!

SL4: Okay, let’s talk ab-.

Kari Wuher: And our last guest is Kari Wuher!

SL4: What?

KW: You can’t have the show without ME! <looks in audience> Hey Hurrikain! <raises thumb of right hand to her ear and that pinky to her mouth.> Call me, okay?

SL4: Um, aren’t you from #155 Chad?

KW: No, silly, Chad is that guy I had sex with 155 times in one night! No, I’m from Norway! <in horrid Norwegian accent> Aye hag und open faced sandwheech here.

SL4: First of all, open faced sandwiches are a Danish thing. Second ... oh, smeg it. You’ll have to sit on the floor, we only have four chairs.

KW <jumping in Coolslider’s lap> Weeee!

CS: Hey! I wanna see proof that you’ve been sprayed this week!

KW: Oh, fine. <sits on the floor in the middle between the four guys.>

CS: I’ll bet that’s not the first time you’ve sat like that-.

SL4: Oooookay! So what posts have stuck out in your mind recently?

OS: Well, I really like MissingSliderRyan’s trivia series. Recall317 was really cracking me up a couple days ago in that BabyC trivia post.

TIP <from audience> : Wait a minute! Are you trying to say that BabyC is ...

MSR: Duh!

TIP: ... Temporalflux???

MSR: “Duh” was invented for you, wasn’t it?

BLK: Speaking of Rec, how about him giving us a heads up on those Slider eps coming up next month? 7:-P

OS: Cheers, Rec.

KW: Hey OzSlider! How much is Sliders shown down there in Australia?

OS <eyes shift towards SL4> : Um ...

SL4: Kari!! What did I tell you about asking our guests questions I don’t personally know the answers to?

CS: Your puppeteering aside, I think there needs to be more craziness on the board! Let’s face it, I’ve done everything, been everything, and had every kind of SEXENG possible on the internet! I’m officially challenging every board member reading this to do something COMPLETELY different within the next week! Come on! We have some very clever people hitting this page every day! Let’s seem something NEW! I don’t even care if it’s good, as long as it is different!

SL4: On that note, we’ll take a break.


“Man at Bar: What the >:-# are you looking at?

Man #2: My drink, >:-#!!

Man#1: What did you call me???

Man #2: I called you a >:-#!!! <runs a hand over his mouth and face and then peers at that hand closely> I must not have done anything wrong, my mouth’s not bleeding! Nope, not a drop!

<three broken chairs, two bar counter rides, one broken wall mirror, ten minutes of fast country music, and 7 million dollars in spilled liquor later...>

Man#2 <laying in three pieces on the floor> : I guess I spoke too soon! Something is sure bleeding now!

Announcer: Why the long face? Are you tired of all the drama at bars when you’re just interested in getting hammered?

Man: Hey sugar. You must be tired because you’ve been running through my min-.

**BZZZZZZTHPH!!!!!!**

Man: AIEEEEEEEEE! <thud of unconscious body hitting the floor like sack of fresh potatoes>

Woman: Thanks Pistol Prod™!!!!!

Announcer: Are you tired of having to use your Pistol Prod ten times a night on degenerate scumbags with pickup lines older than Bob Hope?

“The Horse Latitudes Bar and Grill” is the place for you! This quiet, stable bar is a place where no drama ever happens. If anyone tries to stirrup trouble we throw them out right away! And ladies, guys who can’t corral their unbridled passions aren’t tolerated furlong! Guys, is your wife a hopeless nag? Stop stalling and come on down to the quietest bar this side of “30% Blood Alcohol”!! Don’t wait for the next reiny day, gallop here today!

Brought to you by the ‘Just say neigh to punk drivers’ foundation!”


SL4: And we’re back.

BLK: I should shoot you again, SL4ever! You ripped that commercial right outta your SL4Beaver reply to TM! >:-#

SL4: Well, actually, I wrote that commercial a couple weeks ago so I just ripped that reply you mentioned outta that commercial. :-P

BLK: I’m going to be slaughtering your doubles with great pleasure over the coming days. 7:-D

SL4: So let’s get to some of the fabulous fan fiction that’s been getting slammed on the board lately. Personally, “The Originals” is the best fan fiction I’ve read in a long time so far.

BLK: That rocked. But so did the story you’ve been dissing, TTWD!

SL4: Hey! I finished that finally!! I didn’t have much time last week so I had to pick one or the other. I thought it rocked. It really finished on a strong note with me.

CS: Well I thought that Recall317’s BBSA story was the one that ROCKED. :-P

"Holy >:-#ing >:-#!" declared Recall. <from audience>

Recall317 <standing up in audience> : What was THAT? Um, in the story I use the actual words!

SL4: Stoopid PG filter on my copy/paste! >:-# Bill Gates!!

CS: But you say ASS on the board all the time! What’s UP with that? Why is ASS cool and not >:-#, >:-#, or >:-#-ing >:-# >:-#!?!?!

SL4: My lifetime contract with Bill Gates says that I can use one curseword online with impunity. That word is whatever body part I have the most of. I used to be able to say >:-# but then I got lots more ASS so now that is my impunity word.

OS: Okay, now I’m scared. Let’s talk about TM’s great Exiles post instead! I had never heard of this comic book! I’m just a casual fan of the medium, but this one sounds like it’s definitely worth a looksee!

BLK <polishing plastic envelope containing Batman #1> : Oh, you have to!!! 7:-P~~~~~~~~~~~~

KW: Let me see that, Blinky baby! I think my nails are dry!

BLK: Hmmmmmm, how much CRACK would I have to consume before THIS sounds like a great idea?

CS: Probably as much CRACK as spacepet was on when it made that eccentric post. “I don't want to flavor the board with the opinion of the founder. (For some reason that seems rude to me.)” We haven’t seen someone this squirrelly since that insane bastard who refused to reply to his own posts a couple years ago and instead would reply with a new post. The Internet has only been around in it’s present form about 15 years and these people are acting like the Marquess of Queensbury established the concrete etiquette of conduct two centuries ago!

SL4 <checking clipboard> : Oooookay! I think we’ve managed to offend EVERY SINGLE member of the bboard! Now that we have our quota, it’s time now for our Parting Shots. Coolslider fires first. If we missed offending anyone so far, stick around another five minutes!

CS: Thanks SL4y. Oppression is in the air tonight. No matter what country we hail from you can be damned sure of one consistent fact. Snippy 9 to 5 drones looking down their noses at people whose life cycle varies in the slightest from the established brainwashed norm. The phone rings at 9am and WOE BE UNTO ME if I am the slightest be grouchy because you woke my ASS up! Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me Mr. Bright and Early! Not everyone has a rooster stuck up their butt waking them up at the crack of dawn. Nor do we have a keg of Jolt Cola parked next to the bed allowing us to leap up instantly with angels singing and fairies praising our virtue!

Now I understand people who have to be at work at 8am or whenever ... you’re excused. When I have to be at work that early I get up early. But most of the time I have a flexible schedule that allows me to go to bed when I wish and get up when I wish. I still work hard, I still only sleep six hours a night. I just do those two things at a different time than most people.

What the >:-# is with these people who act like I’m lazy or stoopid or good for nothing or something is wrong with me if I want to stay up until 10am and then sleep until 4pm??? THAT IS STILL THE SAME AMOUNT OF HOURS OF SLEEP AS EVERYONE ELSE!!! It is just at a different time of day. I’ll speak slower. Same amount of sleep, just a different time of day!

So the next time you feel the snotty “You’re STILL asleep at noon???? I wish I had your life!!” phrase crawling through the primordial soup of your consciousness, think about THIS!! If you had MY LIFE you’d be mainlining Drano within a week! I’ve had all MY LIFE to grow enough emotional calluses to allow me to get through each day without twisting someone’s head off! No one should step in here cold turkey, baby. So go become a boxing referee if you wanna make immediate and bizarre judgments!!

SL4: Thanks Coolslider! I go through the same thing and it is hideously annoying! Blinker, you fire next.

BLK <grabs The Dominion by the scruff of it’s neck> : ***STOP >:-#ING WITH >:-#!!!*** CHANGING THINGS EVERY WEEK, NEGLECTING TO ADD OUR “SLIDERS” LOGO FOR ***10 MONTHS***, AND SLAMMING ANOTHER HORRID POPUP AD IN OUR FACES EACH WEEK DOES NOT MAKE YOU A WEBMASTER!! You people are, at best, Web Minstrels!! AND AS FOR YOUR MOST BRILLIANT IDEA TO DATE, BEGINNING_TEXT!!! <tosses The Dominion to the floor, pulls on steel toed Storm Trooper boots, and jumps up and down on thrashing body> THIS IS WHAT I THINK ABOUT BT!!!!

<Sits back down and straightens tie> Back to you, SL4y.

SL4: Moist excellent. And now for my parting shot. I recently drove 1100 miles across the horrifying heartland of America. What is so horrifying about Tennessee, Kentucky, Indiana, Illinois, and Iowa? After all, I grew up in Indiana just a stone’s throw away from Kentucky. I’ll tell you what was so horrifying. The >:-#-ing rest stop bathrooms!! And don’t give me that snippy “Why doncha use the gas station bathrooms?” Because I don’t have full environmental spacesuit handy, which is the only way I would use a nasty ASSed gas station bathroom. When gas stations have to actually place the phrase “Clean Bathrooms!!” on their billboards as if something that is supposed to be assumed is a selling point, I don’t need to expound further.

So I use rest stop bathrooms, which at least are clean enough to walk into without feeling an immediate need for a shower and a shot of hard whiskey. (Reststop bathrooms still have the stagnant lake of urine in the middle of the floor that gas station bathrooms do, but at least the rest stop provides a toll free ferry across the lake to the other side.) The horrifying things about rest stop bathrooms, besides the atrocity that is the air hand dryer (here’s a quarter, you cheap bastards, buy some >:-#-ing paper towels!! I just love standing in public bathroom smelling the wonderful odors for FIVE MINUTES LONGER than I have to so your lukewarm air blower can annoy me with far more efficiency than it can dry my hands!), are the walking dead who frequent them!

If it isn’t the creepy ancient fossil who has COMPLETELY taken off his pants and tossed them across the top of the door of his stall, it is the China Syndrome survivor releasing a stench so heinous that Jeffrey Dalmer would sue him for being a disgusting pig! If it isn’t the water sports fan who sidles up next to me when there are 15 urinals open to his left, it is the 95% of the men who WALK STRAIGHT OUT of the bathroom as if they have no clue what a sink is for! Fellows, fellows, you touch YOUR KIDS with those meat beaters! You hold your wife’s hand with that yellowed Patient Zero hand of yours! You wrap those pestilent hands around your mother to give her a hug! You really expect me to believe you are in such demand that taking 30 seconds to scrape some water across your nasty fingers would put a strain on the Stock Market or cause your harem to collapse with the vapors? I’m sure your mothers were too busy keeping you from swallowing your tongues as you were growing up, but surely someone else in your barren childhoods was there to tell you something about basic hygiene????

KW: I should visit the men’s bathrooms more often! WOO HOO!!

SL4: That’s our show for this week! Join us next week when we’ll have Bboard ghosts for guests!

OS: Man, and Conan O’Brian thought he was having to dig deep to find some guests!

BLK: Nah, think that means it’ll take him until Halloween to do another one of these. 8:-P

“The Way it Wuz Talked About is brought to you by The Yoda School of WhipASS! Train with Yoda and even The ROCK will be crossing the street to avoid you! By Dream Nuts!! The pecans you’ve been dreaming of!! And by Sissy the Adult Clown!! You haven’t experienced hot clown action until you’ve pinned your tail on her donkey!”



“Holy >:-#ing >:-#!”

Original URL http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/28034
Nominated by Blinker