Date: 7/4/2000
From: darkslider

This one's gonna be bloody:

Both of you received a SASSRATING OF 10. Let's see who the master is here...

Brand_S:
You wiped the floor with RE. You took your flaming skills to a new level every time you reduced his masculinity to new depths. DMD is a worthy opponent, and he ain't gonna be easy. But, you DO have half of my genes in you so, it may not be as hard as it would be if you were NORMAL. Just use your sassskils, and you'll be set. Good Luck!

DMD:
The more I see your flames, the more I like and respect you. You are one of the greats here, and no matter what happens from here on out, you are KING in my book. S is a worthy opponent, but you brought the MAN AT ARMS DOLL!! I mean, come on!! Pure and total genius!!! Good Luck!!

Deconstructing S

Date: 7/5/2000
From: DieselMickeyDolenz

Today we will examine the poster known as Brand_S. We will explore his meager beginnings, lay bare <shudder> his faults, and portend his future (if you wish to call it that).

The Brand_S we all know and loathe is actually quite lucky to even be alive. As a child, he was abandoned by wolves. He certainly would have perished, but was soon taken in by a kindly kinky band of traveling, French, transvestite mimes. Considering the unspeakable acts that these people, his "parents," committed with him, some might consider death a preferable fate. Don't misunderstand me. These people loved S, but not in ways that are legal in most developed nations.

S learned to speak through watching gay porn and the "Scrappy Doo" episodes of Scooby Doo. To this day, S insists that adding Scrappy was the best thing that ever happened to that show. This twisted judgement can still be witnessed today, as S has created a shrine to Charile O'Connel, hailing him as "The Savior of Sliders."

It was, of course, during these early years that S came up with his name. Many have wondered at the origins of such original handles as "s_the_great" and "Brand_S." The reason most often stated is that S is his first initial. This is a fallacy (relax, S. I said "fallacy" not "phallus"). Salah is a name S adopted as a teen after seeing the third "Indiana Jones" flick and masturbating to the image of John Rhys-Davies weaving his way thought the streets of Iskenderun. Misspelling Sallah was a poor attempt at subterfuge. No, the origin of the S in Brand_S is much simpler and much sadder. You see, eventually the mimes decided to use S as a prop in their various shows at gay bars and Ultimate Executive Fanclub meetings. To make S more visually appealing, they tattooed the word "ASS" on his forehead in large, friendly letters.

The patrons in the crowd would often call out to him, "Ass!" He understood this to be his name, only he thought the French crowd was yelling "S!" S, as he now called himself, decided that a simple letter was not enough to be a fitting name. He began experimenting with different phrases: "S the mediocre? Uh, no, no. S the really cool? Nope, not quite." He went on this way for weeks until one night, following another command performance for the "Sons of Dobie Gillis," he was told, "boy! Yer one great piece of Ass!" At that moment, S knew he'd found his moniker, "S the great."

S would continue to call himself this until he tired of being "S the great" and made this post:

http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/11818

"A new S for the next millenium..." Somehow in S's twisted mind, the date 9/9/99 became a day to celebrate the new millenium. How did he come up with Brand_S? That's a tale too frightening to tell, even in this forum. Suffice it to say it had something to do with a Gargamel doll, drain cleaner, fresh produce, two Siberian dwarf hamsters, and a trip to the emergency room.

"Deconstructing S" continues later…

DMD and the Beanstalk

Date: 7/5/2000
From: Brand_S

WARNING: Currently, I'm suffering from three setbacks.

1) I've got the mother of all headaches, and my stomach isn't in much better shape either.
2) I had a flame all typed up and an "illegal operation" destroyed it all.
3) Other offline stuff that's none of your business.

Therefore, I will NOT be giving this 100%, so don't be disappointed. Now, onward...

[ Once upon a time DieselMickeyDolenz awoke in his tiny bed to his tiny house in the tiny town of Schlongski, New Jersey. (DMD named his penis since it kept talking to him. He named the town after it, but then, the town only consists of his one house in the middle of the desert.) DMD got out of bed and looked back down at it. Yesterday he "rented the services" of the she-male Olsen twins for five cents. They were still sleeping in his bed. DMD loved getting a "rod of pleasure" in two different orifices, and decided he'd treat himself again. In the meantime, they wouldn't be going anywhere. He considered his bedroom his "Dungeon of Delight." Nobody got out alive except him. Other prisoners included a Bonobo chimp (DMD loved those simian jubblies) and a Canadian Goose. (Those things are always shitting; DMD is always eating... Coincidence?)
Fortunately, DMD's significant other of five years, Haley Joel Osment, never caught on to DMD's Dungeon. As far as Haley was concerned, DMD was perfectly faithful. This was fortunate for DMD; standing all of two feet tall, DMD is Haley's bitch. DMD's ass is kicked regularly by Oompa Loompas, Cindy Brady, the talking dildo that's currently dating Schlongski, and the Lollipop Guild.
DMD and Haley could never afford their own house (they still have an Equal packet on layaway), so they simply lived with DMD's father and mother, Jeff Margulis and... Jeff Margulis. (DMD's conception is a very special one. On a day when Exec flamed TemporalFlux's panning of First Wave, Exec celebrated by using his hermaphrodite organs to fuck himself blind. He had five orgasms, and he faked every one of them.)
DMD stepped out into his living room, where Exec and Haley were. Exec's girlfriend, Meredith Baxter-Birney, was there too. ]

DieselMickeyDolenz: Hey, all, I'm going shopping.
Executive: Be back by noon! Don't stay out any furthur!
Haley: Have fun, honey-kins!
DieselMickeyDolens: I sure will, Loverboy!

[ DMD left his out and went out shopping. DMD took his prized pig and the only boyfriend of his Haley knew about, Pinky, with him. On his way, he wandered into a back alley where a homeless man intercepted him. ]

Derelict: Hey, you wanna get boned by the king of the hobos?!
DieselMickeyDolenz: Sure, but I'm on my way to the supermarket...
Derelict: Well, I can help you with that too! I'll trade you that pig there for this!

[ The homeless man pulled out a mysterious vial. ]

DieselMickeyDolenz: What's that?
Derelict: This is Ugly! Drink it down and you'll be even uglier than you are now!
DieselMickeyDolenz: I reckon it's a deal!

[ DMD returned home and showed the vial to Exec and Haley. ]

DieselMickeyDolenz: Hey, look what I got! It's a tube full of ugly!

[ Haley proceeded to beat the living shit out of DMD. ]

Haley: What the FUCK did you get that for? You don't need any ugly! You're already ugly enough to attract flies and tourists!
Executive: Let him drink it and see if it works.

[ DMD drinks it and nothing happens. ]

DieselMickeyDolenz: Nothing happened!
Haley: That's because it's not even possible for you to be even uglier. You know what happens when you act like a moron.
DieselMickeyDolenz: Yes, Master.
Haley: It's whackin' time!
Executive: Wait, Haley! I have an idea... All we really need is three magic beans!
Haley: Who the FUCK told you that?
Executive: Why, my imaginary friend, Gazoo!

[ Gazoo appears out of thin air. Only Exec can see him. ]

Gazoo: Damn straight, beyotch!

[ Gazoo disappears agian. ]

Haley: Whatever. DMD, go get us some magic beans.

[ DMD goes back to the same back alley. ]

DieselMickeyDolenz: Excuse me, Mr. Homeless Man, sir... could I trade this empty bottle for three magic beans!
Derelict: You betcha, as long as you agree to be my sex slave until the end of time. I already have ONE and I'm collecting more!

[ RandomsEdge appears from the back of the alley. ]

RandomsEdge: We have the perfect relationship. I swallow like a champ!
DieselMickeyDolenz: Okay!

[ The homeless man gives DMD three magic beans. Suddenly, Exec and Haley Joel Osment appear. ]

Executive: Hey, give me those!

[ Exec swallows all three beans. His stomach pulsates briefly, then he fals down dead. He then passes post-mortem gas. DMD sees a bean sprout coming out of his anus. The sprout grows exponentially, and in a matter of minutes it's a gigantic vine. DMD climbs it until he's all the way up in the clouds.
When DMD is in the sky, he finds that he can walk on the clouds. He sees a huge house on the horizon, and runs up to it. Unfortunately, he can only run three feet before becoming extremely fatigued, but he eventually makes it. Inside is a humongous giant and a golden goose. The goose flies above DMD and releives itself. DMD runs under him with his mouth wide open. The goose's droppings completely miss him, but he notices that they're made of liquid gold. He tries desperately to get to the goose. Just when DMD is about to catch the bird, the giant catches DMD in his hand. ]

Giant: Fee fi fo fore! The Olsen Twins said they'd be sendin' some more!

[ DMD screams. ]

Giant: Fee fi fo... whatever. I already paid, so get ready to deliver!

[ DMD and the giant lived happily ever after. ]

S

Test. <END>

Date: 7/5/2000
From: s_the_great

.

Deconstructing S continued...

Date: 7/5/2000
From: DieselMickeyDolenz

Off-Tourney: Damn, I wasn't sure I make it back online in time to post again. Glad to see you could make it, S.

------------
Deconstructing S continues now.

The remainder of S's childhood is sketchy. The mimes kept silent about him when the group was arrested and S was placed in foster care. Here's what we do know. He was an unpopular child. He often smelled of petroleum jelly. His face was scarred when he saw a dog licking himself and tried to help.

In his teen years there is a record of a 911 call where S called in because he had been eating ants again. The operator reportedly said that the ants shouldn't cause any problems. S neglected to mention that he'd swallowed a large amount of ant poison to try to keep the little buggers from biting his stomach.

This past Christmas, S was recommended for psychiatric evaluation after asking for a "Columbine Barbie" on his Christmas list. Unfortunately, the evaluation was cut short when the evaluator refused to continue unless S stopped picking his ass with one hand, his nose with the other and mixing the findings of each into a tasty treat.

S did eventually get his GED on only his fourth attempt. Reportedly, he didn't actually answer the questions any better, but his male proctor took pity on him and suggested other ways that he could earn his diploma. I won't go into the gory details here, but they included cheese whiz, a picture of Kirk Cameron, a My Little Pony, and 20' of bungee cord.

This is the very exam brand_f took in his attempt to gain entry to proctology school. Actually, if he was applying there, he must have been trying to gain entry to more than school. Anyway, the first stage of applicant testing was just a general knowledge test. s has been living on the run ever since his answers were forwarded to the proper authorities. He has been judged a hazard to himself and the community. Damn, S, even Enigma made it through round 1.

I digress. Here's the test and our buddy s's answers.

Q) Name one advantage of breast milk.
A) It comes in attractive containers.

Q) What is smegma?
A) A cheesy substance found between the penis head and foreskin. Best served on crackers with a white wine.

Q) How often should men have their prostates examined?
A) Not often enough for me!

Q) What is the food pyramid?
A) Where the famous pharaoh Pizza Tut is buried.

Q) How many teeth does the average adult human have?
A) 20 ( I ran out of fingers and toes, sorry)

Q) Ringworm is...
A) Consuming my entire body.

Q) Tapeworm is...
A) Better with marinara sauce than with alfredo.

Q) The human anus is located...
A) <Splotched out>

Q) You should floss because...
A) What else would you do with all that pubic hair?

Q) During sex, the most important thing to avoid is...
A) Being caught by the scoutmaster, unless you're with the scoutmaster.

At this point the test transcript becomes illegible, with most of it lost in a sea of splotches. What is legible is mostly a mix epithets, praises to David Peckinpah, and several interesting uses for Transformers. Apparently, to S, they're much more than just robots in disguise.

Tune in next time for another session of "Deconstructing S."

<extends hand to S>

Date: 7/6/2000
From: DieselMickeyDolenz

Sorry about the technical and other difficulties. Hope tomorrow goes better for you.

Diesel
Mickey
Dolenz

Shaking DMD's Hand

Date: 7/6/2000
From: Brand_S

DMD, you are GOOD! Thanks, man. I honestly have no idea who's going to win this one, but there's no shame in losing to someone as good at this as you! Thanks for putting up such a good fight! You're an honorable and respectable opponent if ever I fought one!

S

Original URL http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/21882
Nominated by darkslider