Date: 6/28/2000
From: darkslider

delly:
Good luck! Didn't expect to see you here, but I DO look forward to seeing you deliver some ASS KICKIN!

Nobu:
A man of peace is often the most powerful in war. Good Luck!

You have one day. Use it wisely! At the end, I'll stop it and judge the winner...

Green light baby!!!!

Date: 6/28/2000
From: dellyone

The lecture hall was abuzz with animated conversations. This was Creative Writing 101 taught by Professor dellyone, the strictest and lone lecturer on this subject. Her class had recently turned their latest assignments in and was awaiting their grades. This was going to count for 80% of their grade and no one wanted to get a low grade on this important assignment. Their topic: Beret War II. The class enjoyed this topic and had several unrestrained discussions, but when it came to grading, you had to give it your best effort or she would shred your work to pieces. Another alternative was to appease to her bizarre sense of humor in order to get on her good side. She was unpredictable in her arrival time, but her lectures started immediately after she arrived whether it was ten minutes late or ten minutes early.

The class became quiet when dellyone arrived, pulling their graded assignments in a little metal cart and holding her tall double iced mocha in the other. She quickly made her way to her desk and pulled out the manila folders and slammed them onto the table. A collective gulp went through the room. They all knew that dellyone wasn’t pleased with this latest batch. She took a long sip from her mocha to calm herself down.

“Ladies and gentlemen, here are your grades for this assignment. Some of you did outstanding work and rose to the challenge. I have a question for all of you. What the hell were you thinking when you signed up for this class?” She stared at her uncomfortable students.

Yeontoo cleared her throat. “Um… Professor… ladies present. That’s heck.”

dellyone took another sip of her coffee to mask the rolling of her eyes. “Yeontoo, did you forget something again?”

Yeontoo fiddled with her hair, trying to cover her ears, but gave up on it. dellyone’s intense stare was something she couldn’t take for long. “Um… yes.”

dellyone pointed to the sign above her desk. It read:

To those who are easily offended with the language in this class, the office has Swear Words Be Gone™ translators to change the words to more appropriate ones.

The other students began to giggle, but dellyone’s stare brought on a deathly silence. “We’ll wait for you.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back,” said Yeontoo as she turned on her tape recorder.

The class watched as Yeontoo exited the lecture hall. dellyone nodded to Slider_Sarah and she reached over and turned off the tape recorder.

dellyone pulled out her cell phone and called the office. “This is Professor dellyone. Please keep Yeontoo occupied for ten minutes. Thank you.” She hung up and put the phone away. “Class you have ten minutes to swear away while we begin our discussion.”

Tigs raised her hand. “Should this be taped?”

“No. Remember the last time. The smoke coming from the tape recorder was horrible. It kept stopping to delete the swear words. So leave it off.” The class agreed with that assessment. “By the way Tigs, I gave you a perfect 100.”
Hissing and booing emanated from the students as well as chanting of “Favorite pet” filled the lecture hall. dellyone gave her class her icy stare as she walked to her desk and picked up her favorite red grading pen.

“Shut the fuck up! As long as I am in possession of your assignments, I can still deduct points. Now all of you apologize to Tigs or I’m taking one letter grade off everyone’s grade. She gave me what I wanted – 50 million dollars for the ransom of Mychand and BritSlider. Damn woman, that’s a helluva a lot of money and I wasn’t expecting that.”

Tigs smiled as offers of apology were thrown at her. “Apologies accepted. Yes, I knew that would get your attention.”

“SpaceTime and darkslider, you both received a 99 on your assignments,” continued dellyone.

“What the fuck? A 99. That was fucking brilliant, if I say so myself,” replied an irate Space.

darkslider nodded in agreement. “Yes it was. We won the whole goddamn war.”

dellyone was amused. “Yes, you did. It was brilliant, but you should have let me release the hostages first hence the one point deduction. Anymore complaints?”

Space and dark looked at each other and silently agreed. If they continued, more points were going to be deducted. They both nodded no.

“On the other hand, DieselMickeyDolenz received a 105 for his inventive paper. Bravo I say. Thank you for eliminating most of the LoB.” dellyone flashed an evil smile.

“You’re welcome and thanks,” he answered as he doodled once again on a paper napkin.

“Let’s see… hmm… EustiSlider and Sabre_Edge received an 80 for your work.”

EustiSlider complained, “What the hell? How come?”

dellyone picked up his folder and looked through it. “You spelled BLA instead of ABL. Three times. I should have deducted more, but your post amused me.”

“Damn keyboard!” EustiSlider muttered.

The one with ice blue eyes retorted. “Wait a sec. He misspelled a word and got an 80. Why did I get an 80?”

dellyone picked up his blue manila folder and uncapped her red pen. “You let me down. You had Airwolf and all you did was blow up the septic tank. Dammit, I was expecting massive destruction and you misspelled scrumptious.

Sabre_Edge was furious. “An 80 just because I let you down! Dammit woman, you expect too much from me!”

dellyone scanned the class. “Anyone else agree with him?” she inquired. Murmurings of “No, ma’am” echoed through the hall.

“Chickens!” yelled SE as he turned around and looked at his classmates.

“Are we through yet or shall we continue?” SE opened his mouth, but saw the red grading pen already on his paper and decided not to pursue the matter. He grudgingly nodded no. “So we’re done then.” She put down his folder and he breathed a sigh of relief.

Yeontoo re-entered the lecture hall and quickly returned to her seat as dellyone spread the file folders with the names facedown across her desk. This was the time for her to randomly pick a work and rip it to shreds. This was her favorite part of her lecture. She had been know to be so brutal in her criticism that students have been known to break down in class or drop her class all together. She closed her eyes and pointed to a yellow manila folder. She turned it over and smiled as she read the name. She turned on her overhead projector and placed the piece of paper on it so that the class could read it as she made her comments.

http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/19735

[Author’s note: Nobuyuki’s post appears in brackets.]

“Oh shit!” exclaimed Nobuyuki as he read the first sentence.

“Good luck,” said a relieved Sabre_Edge as he wiped the sweat from his forehead.

“Now, let’s see what Nobuyuki wrote and see if we can improve on it.”

[The members of the BFA gathered in their mess hall to celebrate the destruction of the AFL's mess hall, taking every opportunity to work the word "beret" into every sentence. There was cake and other assorted goodies with little candy berets on every table. As they laughed and made fun of baseball caps, thinking victory was secure, a very horrible thing happened.

That is, horrible if your on the BFA's side.]

“Okay. You could have described the food on the table better. Minus 3. Who’s AFL? A fellow leaper? I thought you were with the ABL. 10 points off. You interchanged your with you’re. That’s another 10 points. Dammit, what’s wrong with all of you? Always interchanging your and you’re. One is possessive and the other is a contraction of you are. Another thing, not all members of the ABL-DRC use baseball caps. Another 5 points off.” dellyone was writing the points deducted using her red pen.

[As the partying continued, the BFA members began to hear a strange noise, coming from west side of the room. They all turned to look out the window. ]

“What kind of strange noise? A rumbling? A whining? You forgot the before west. That’s 3. What the hell? There’s only one window in the entire mess hall. That’s damn pathetic if I say so myself. Was that what you we meant? One window. Was it big enough for all the BFA members to look outside? Another 3 points.

[Two seconds later, panic struck the BFA as a dark blue 1984 Toyota Corolla managed to break the very laws of physics and came crashing through the wall. A bumper sticker at the front read, "I break for Doo Rags."]

“Um… the very laws of physics? What the hell does that mean? Which laws? The law of conversation of energy? Of mass? If you can’t explain it, leave it out. Minus 3. You mention a bumper sticker on the front? Where on the front? On the windshield? On the bumper? See you even point out doo rags. That’s another 10 points off for not proofreading your work before turning it in.”

“Damn, that’s more points off than my horrible writing,” muttered EustiSlider.

“Hell, at the rate she’s going, he’s going to get a negative score,” added Tigs.

“Um… damn that is so cold. What the hell is wrong with her today?” whispered Nobuyuki, who unfortunately decided to come to class a little later than the rest of the class. All that was left was the front row seats.

dellyone turned to her class. “There’s nothing wrong with me other than the fact that most of the writing ability has gone downhill. I think you all need a pop quiz on grammar.” She looked at the open-mouthed students. “But not today.” A sigh of relief went through the hall.

[Before anyone could react, Nobuyuki, clad in a fedora, lept with amazing skill from the driver's seat. The Indiana Jones theme started to play in the background.

Slider_Sarah: What are YOU doing here?

Nobuyuki: Well, Hunter, Britslider and all those guys are still looking for the Holy Fedora. It looks like mine will have to do for the time being! ]

“You misspelled leapt. Minus 3. You were clad in only a fedora? So you were buck naked? How in the hell could you leap out of the driver’s seat without opening the door? Out the window. Not bloody likely. Minus 3. How did the Indy Jones music play in the background? From your radio? From the mess hall? Or was that all in his mind? Minus 3. You forgot the asterisks before and after YOU. Minus 5. What exactly do you mean “looks like mine will have to do”? Minus 10 for being too damn ambiguous.”

[Nobuyuki immidiately whipped out a revolver and with precise accuracy blew the berets off of various random members of the BFA. The crowd shifted to the side as sleepingtiger entered the area, carrying a big sword. She swung it around a bit and screamed like a banshee, then Nobuyuki shot her beret off.

Peck: Hey! That's such a rip off!

Nobuyuki: Shut up, Peckerhead. (Blam!) ]

“For this next part, you misspelled immediately. Minus 3. Precise accuracy is redundant hence minus 10.” She looked at her class once again and saw someone not paying full attention and had his head on his desk. “Someone wake up Brand S.”

“Hey, wake up, man,” said dark as he slapped S on the back.

S woke with a start. “What? Who? Um… sorry Professor. It’s been all the classwork I’ve had. I haven’t had any time to sleep,” he apologized as he rubbed his eyes.

“Yes, I know. Try to stay awake.” S nodded.

“Thanks, dark.”

“Anytime, S.”

dellyone went back to work. “So Tigs carried a big sword? What kind? A curved one like in ‘The Temple of Doom’? Minus 3. That sentence beginning with “She swung it around” could have been structured better. Minus 5. Why the hell would Peck be at the BFA mess hall? Was he wearing a beret? Was he a member? Minus 3. What happened to Peck? Was he sucker punched or shot? Ambiguity again. Minus 10.

[Nobuyuki reached back into the Corolla and pulled out a pile of baseball caps. Making like Bruce Lee, he ripped through the crowd of stunned BFA members, placing baseball caps on all those he de-bereted.

Slider_Sarah: What...how, huh?]

“Okay, reached into the Corolla? Where? The glove compartment? The trunk? The backseat? Dammit, I hate this much ambiguity in one piece of work. Minus 10. So the caps were in a pile? How the fuck could that happen? You rammed your car into a wall and the caps were still in a pile? Were they in a box? Jeez, I should go ahead and take off 40 points since I know there’s got to be more ambiguity somewhere.” She angrily wrote a 40 on the paper and circled it. dellyone went back to her desk to drink more mocha to calm down. She was almost done.

“Dude, you going for the record?” asked Space as he looked over.

By this time, Nobuyuki was sweating profusely as his mouth hung open. “Um… no.”

“Well, looks like you’re gonna get it,” DMD added.

dellyone returned to the projector. “Making like Bruce Lee? Say what? Ripped through the crowd? How the hell did you do that? You got a chainsaw with you? You know what? You’re giving me a fucking migraine from reading this shit. It was bad enough when I read it the first time. Now you subject me with this asinine piece of crap you call fiction. You should have dropped my class weeks ago. I was too fucking nice so I let you stay. See class, what happens if you’re too nice. People subject you with too much shit since they know they can get away with it. No more. The next person who hands in this level of work fails this class, no matter their previous grade. Let’s see if all of you can buckle down.”

[Nobuyuki: I wasn't here for the last war. I need my presence to be known.

With that, he pulled out from his car a razor-edged derby and flung it across the room, hitting the circuit breakers and causing a black out. Nobuyuki then lept back into the Blue God of Death and peeled out as fast as he could.]

dellyone continued. “You want your presence know? Damn straight you will. I’m going to put a copy of this outside this lecture hall. I’ll even post it on the web so that others can read your writing along with my comments in red. You’ll be remembered alright. The next sentence has too many ands in it. Minus 10. Another 3 for leapt. Peeled? Are you a fucking banana? Why not burned rubber? By the way, didn’t you have to back up since you rammed the car the front of the car into the wall? Ambiguity, dammit.” dellyone was furious. She squashed the point of the felt tipped pen on the paper causing a big red spot. She threw the mangled pen onto the floor and grabbed another from her desk. She drained half of her mocha before continuing with the remainder of the paper.

[After the car had sped away, the BFA noticed that there was still a ticking sound on the floor near by. Sleepingtiger lit a match and looked at the sound's source. ]

“How could the BFA notice something? That’s the name of the organization. You should have put members after BFA. Minus 10. “Still a ticking sound”? Now you’re totally pissing me off. Where in this entire paper did you mention a previous ticking sound? Nowhere! Did you even read this over? Apparently not since there are so many spelling mistakes, bad grammar and so many inconsistencies that I could drive a Mac truck through. Where did Tigs get the match? Out of the fucking air? Did this happen at during the day or was it at night? If it was during the day, there would be enough sunlight streaming into the hall from the single enormous window and the hole in the wall. Ambiguity again. Dammit, I’m taking off another 40 points for that. Tigs looked at the source? Was she close enough so that the match wouldn’t go out or before she threw it on the ground before burning her? Were there people between her and the bomb? Dammit, you’re driving me to drink even though I don’t. Class, your torture, courtesy of Nobuyuki, is almost finished.”

[It was a top hat shaped bomb set to go off in 3...

All BFA: HOLY (insert your personal preference of profanity here)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2...

The BFA scrambled for cover or the nearest exit.

1...

All BFA: DAMN YOU!

0...

BOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And with that, the BFA's mess hall was no more. Revenge was served. In the distance, a dark blue 1984 Toyota Corolla could be seen driving into the distance, with every last middle finger belonging to the BFA extended towards it.]

“Again with the BFA. Minus 10. You don’t need that many exclamation marks. Minus 20 for making me blind trying to count them. Once again BFA. Minus 10. They ran to the exit? Why the hell didn’t they do that earlier? Revenge was served? How? On a silver platter? Minus 3.You used the phrase “the distance” twice in the same sentence. Minus 20. Last middle finger? Humans don’t have that do they? Minus 30. BFA once again. Minus 10. Finally it’s over!”

dellyone went back to her desk to retrieve her calculator. She spent the next few minutes going over the figures as the class sat in silence. They knew if they distracted her now that they would pay with a pop quiz. She tripled checked her figure and announced, “We have a winner with a score of negative 318. Damn, I’ve never seen a score that high before. Congratulations, Nobuyuki.” She gave him rousing applause and the class joined in.

“Um… thank you,” said a humiliated Nobuyuki as he wiped the rivers of sweat from his forehead and tugged at his collar.

“That’s enough for the day. Pick up your folders and I’ll see you next week,” said a happy dellyone.

The students went through the pile for their folder, except Nobuyuki. He still sat in his chair as the entire class exited the lecture hall.

dellyone drank the remainder of her mocha. “So do you have anything to say?” She waited for his answer.

____________________________

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dellyone

Tsk tsk, Dellyone.

Date: 6/28/2000
From: SpaceTime

You broke the ONLY rule the contest has, namely, NOT QUOTING FROM A PREVIOUS POST. Try again.

- ST

I thought she stayed within the rules ST

Date: 6/28/2000
From: DieselMickeyDolenz

The rules were not to cut and paste a previous flame. I took that to mean that shredding previous non-flame posts was fair game. dark? Can we get a ruling on this?

DMD

Bring it!

Date: 6/28/2000
From: Nobuyuki

So, you think you've found my one weakness, Smellyone? What do think that post was? Kryptonite? I laugh at your puny attempts to use comic book villain tactics on me. I know I should pity you, but I just can't show remorse to those who regularly have sexually perverse dreams about Pokemon, like yourself. Shall I alert the the board to the time you had to go to the proctologist to have a little doll of that electric rodent, Pikachu, removed from your ass? How about the fact that the proctologist is, to this very day, still receiving psychiatric help from the horrifying moans of "Pika" you made during the procedure?

You aren't even smart enough to be a comic book villain. If you were a comic book character, you'd undoubtably be religated to the role of the Nameless Minion, a.k.a. Cannon Fodder, sometimes referred to as Mook. Your only line would be "AAAAAAUUUUUGH!" and yet, you'd still find a way to mispronounce it. You wouldn't even have your own action figure.

Your costume, for all of the two frames that you'd actually be in the book, would undoubtably be a strange hybrid of Sailor Moon, Power Rangers and that Gimp from Pulp Fiction. You wouldn't be killed because of the nonexistent danger you'd pose. You'd simply be completely blown of the face of the universe for aesthetic reasons. Hell, even the villainous army you'd be fighting for would fire at you. People reading the comic all over the world would laugh their asses off at your pathetic demise for three days straight.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.

--Nobuyuki

Red light !!!

Date: 6/28/2000
From: dellyone

dellyone sat at her desk playing with the Etch A Sketch Space and dark had given her. Her class pissed her off once again by mocking her when she left the room. Her students were unaware that her cell phone was on, hidden in her cart. She listened to her class with the extra one that she always kept with her. The class was shocked when she passed out her easy as pie quiz without even announcing it. She just passed out the papers in silence.

Her class giggled as they took their quiz. She had to quiet them down several times, but she wasn’t strict about it. dellyone was having fun playing with her new toy even though she couldn’t make a circle to save her life. She graded the quizzes as each student placed the paper on her desk. She was thoroughly pleased with the grades. It was going to be a nice day after all.

“Class, you did an excellent job. I’m so glad that all of you buckled down and studied. Now I picked Nobuyuki quiz since he did an excellent job. Come on up here and tell us the answers,” dellyone placed his quiz on the overhead projector along with a pointer. This time dark was the unfortunate soul who was late that day. He took the only seat available – right in front of the projector.

The class applauded him as he took several bows. “Good job, man!” echoed throughout the hall. He confidently stepped up to the projector and picked up the pointer. A giant smile was on his face. He had suffered through the worse and had decided to stay in class.

______________________

The following is the actual quiz as answered by Nobuyuki as projected on the screen.

Pop Quiz #732

Directions: Please read the entire quiz before answering the questions. Answer each question completely and to the best of your ability. No points will be taken off for spelling. Good Luck, students.

Name: Nobuyuki

1. What is the name of dellyone’s character in Terminus Maximus?
Smellyone

2. What is dellyone’s favorite Pokémon?
Pikachu

3. Write in the space below: I love live yak.
I love live yak.

4. What was your score on the last assignment?
Negative 318

5. Place an X at the end of this sentence. X

6. What’s your opinion on ‘Sliders’ vs. ‘First Wave’?
I like First Wave. I always wonder why people rip First Wave when Sliders’ demise is mentioned. I mean First Wave had the same ratings as Sliders when it was cancelled. That’s totally unfair. I’m also a fan of Sliders.

7. Name one of dellyone’s favorite shows.
The X-Files

8. Does dellyone drink alcoholic beverages?
No.

9. What are the names of the four sliders in ‘Pilot’?
Quinn Mallory, Wade Welles, Professor Arturo and Rembrandt Brown

10. What’s your favorite Power Ranger?
The Black one

Congratulations, you have reached the end of this quiz. Write Deli Buns in the space under question #1 and ignore the rest of the questions. Have a nice day. :-)

_____________________

“Skip number 3. We’ll do that last,” said a smiling dellyone as she sat on the edge of her desk.

Nobuyuki read out the answers and skipped number 3 as she had asked. He had missed only the first question so he thought he had a grade of 90 so far. A self-satisfied smile appeared on his face as he looked at question #3. He was absolutely sure that he was correct.

“Okay read number 3,” as she watched her class intently. The class had been giggling and whispering amongst themselves as he read the answers.

Nobuyuki confidently answered, “I love live yak.”

“Dammit that is blasphemy!” screamed a livid dark as he pulled out his Creativity Disruptor™ and fired. Small particles drifted in the air.

dellyone had a wicked smile on her face once again. “Thank you dark. You get an automatic 100 for the next two assignments. There's no way he can write himself in the story now."

dark smiled as he put away his weapon. He didn't know why dellyone told him to always bring it, but now he knew.

"He thought I would make a stupid comic book villain. Well, he was too fucking stupid not to read the whole paper. I can't believe he missed the one where I gave the answer at the bottom. Too bad. Well that's it for today. Have a nice weekend," said dellyone as she smiled at her happy class. That torture they had endured earlier was forgotten as they ran out of the hall to enjoy the pleasant day.

 

dellyone

________

Good job Nobuyuki! May the best one win. I would like you to email me. I'm working on a project and I'd like your feedback. - dellyone

Won't be too long now.

Date: 6/29/2000
From: Nobuyuki

Nice flaming, dellyone. I never suspected that an old post like that could be used against me. OK, maybe I suspected a little, but that's not the point. Like you said, may the best flame win.

Original URL http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/21723
Nominated by darkslider