Date: 7/21/2000
From: darkslider

12am:

Sleep, that fickle FLOOZIE, is finally upon me, after a grueling day of working for what can only be described as the 5th layer of HELL.

All is dark. All is quiet. ALL IS BILLY-FREE.

The soft sound of a soft breeze can be heard outside.

Then, it all goes the way of any Hostess product in front of Sally Struthers in one loud "BANG".

The door, SLAMS OPEN. Letting in light and allowing my dreams of Tembi in a thong escape, the devil children approach me, singing songs that Orcas would respond to miles away.

"Can we have some SODA?!" They ask in unision, seemingly more a statement than a question. As the question was repeated 60 or so times, they procceeded to kick my bedposts, unaware of the .22 lovin I have waiting beneath my mattress.

Two thoughts run through my head as I reach for it.

One: why the HELL is it assumed I have SODA?!
Two: How many bullets do I have left?

My hand crept from it's postion of "ready to deliver death spank" mode to...the place underneath my mattress. Searching for the place that my friend was hiding.

As I reached the "magic" and prepared to relive my tour in Nam, I was stopped by what can only be called a walking train wreck.

Into my love nest walked Momma Cletus wearing what appeared to be guacamole on her face, and a robe that HAD to have begun life as a yellow bathroom mat.

And yes, she was screaming at her kids like a loon.

YELLING, SCREAMING, PLEADING at them to be silent. Silent for ONE GODDAM MINUTE IN THEIR WORHTLESS LIVES, apparently.

This caused a chain reaction of chaotic proportions. The children began a new song of anguished inquiries at my soda supply AND telling their Momma they were NOT bothering me.

This hellish form of yodeling also aroused the attention of Poppa Clet, who came from downstairs and proceeded to come into my room and ask me how my day was, and how DAMN FUH-UNNY Jeff Foxworthy is.

My day was like your teeth, Clet...horridly twisted and misshapen beyond recognition. And Jeff Foxworthy is the HillBilly Anti-Christ.

Seeing my response as an invitation for discussion, the Clan Clet sat down in various places of my room:

Poppa Clet----took the chair at which I sit in to handle all ToP judging.
Momma---took the foot of my bed.
Devil Children----on my floor, and invariably, my Sony Playstation, my school papers, and "Nine Stories" by J.D. Salinger.

All of these items are being de-BILLIFIED as we speak.
.... ..... .... .....
It's funny how when in those situations you do the oddest thing. You blame yourself.

-I blamed myself for the Good Ol Fashioned Ho-Down now occuring in my room.

-I blamed myself for forgetting to lock the door that should have saved me from it.

-I blamed myself for not stocking up on .22 shells.

Sadly, I only had one bullet. Such decisions I could not make after a full day of madness at good ol Trimble Navigation, and all it's "fun and exciting challenges".

I should have used the one bullet to take out myself, OR shoot the light, thus tricking the Billies into believing that it was night time, thus causing them to sleep. Hell, if it works on chickens, who have more brain tissue than the Billies, why would it not work on the Cletus'?!

Instead, I put the gun away and listened. Listened in pure fright and caught a glimpse of the hell I would face should I join Team Cletus.

Here is what I discovered:

1. Olympia is the BEST BEER IN THE WORLD.
2. Those damn "foriegners" are taking "our" jobs. (Yeah....it seems that there's a MAD rush from immigrants to become mindless loafers..go figure)
3. I, darkslider, am a "city boy" who wouldn't last ten minutes in the "wild".
4. Soda is the currency for Billies. They deal not in dollars, but 2 Liters.
5. Conway Twittie is the "BEST DAMNED SINGER IN THE WORLD". PERIOD.

This was only a few of the gems acquired in my 90 minute adventure in Billyosphy.

All I have left to say is:

Help ME.

If any of you have a place to stay, I would be "much obliged."

=========================================================

Tournament of Pee met with some complications, I see. So, I'm offering this to all contestants:

If you all agree, I will re-post the arenas, so that you can go at each other again. Sort of a "Do-Over" if you will. It will happen Monday, and Final Bout will occur on Tuesday.

That is, if you agree.

If not, I will post my results tomorrow, and Final Bout will begin on Monday. The results will be posted promptly on Tuesday, by a "guest speaker".

To give your say, post here. Since the Cletus Clan now has "squatted" on my land, it will be hard to check e-mail, or go into my room without falling over the plunger that now christens my threshold. Why a plunger?

I have no idea.

==========================================================
Stochi:
Votre Français est aussi beau que vous êtes Souci pas, j'ai compris!
==========================================================

That is all. Morte de SpaceTime will be arriving shortly. But, my question is...does anyone care?

-Poppa

ouch~

Date: 7/22/2000
From: Yeontoo

Dear Zach,

I care hun. Truly, I do. Please post Morte de SpaceTime in installments as you get them written. We read them.

TOP: Since its a redo ...need to make it interesting somehow. A word they have to use, or a topic or someone else's writing style (can they flame using the each other's style maybe?) I wouldn't mind it at all hun, if you banned dirty words :)

Do not get caught in a room alone with Suzy. Can you go to a friends couch for a while? Can you talk to your landlady, and mention your insomnia (need for isolation at all times) and your unwillingness to wed Suzy (need for daddy to control his daughter, in another direction). Can you move? Can you go home to your parents house for awhile?

I'd offer a room here, bunking my sons together would open one, but I'm afraid the work commute from Trimble to Mississippi twice daily would be quite overwhelming.

However! Tell the guests that all the jobs around here arent filled in, and Memphis is begging for workers (literally). Tell them to come and enjoy the ambiance of a Southern city (Memphis, Tennessee).

http://www.gomemphis.com/
(print the classifieds for him)

Blessings,
Yeontoo

I feel for you, dark...

Date: 7/22/2000
From: Nobuyuki

My current housing situation pales far and away in comparison to your adventures in Billydom. If my neighbors in the dorm room next door were any closer to being Billies (I.E., loss of any semblence of hygene and the gaining of a southern accent) someone would have been long dead by now. The only thing I can say is THANK THE DARK MASTER that they can't get into my room without a battering ram and that one of their kind just recently moved out of my room.

If anything, these people can only be classified as Citybillies.

You might be a Citybilly if:

1. You are male and punctate 90% of your comments to women (and some men) with "B**ch" or a variation thereof.

2. You don't ever feel like throttling the guy who just called you "B**ch" for the 500th time this month.

3. You hold drinking contests in your dormroom (where alcohol is banned, no less) at 1:00 in the morning on a school night for everyone in a three room radius to hear.

4. You have a surround sound system that could blow out the walls if turned up any higher, but are oblivious to the fact that someone lives next door until they try to kick your door down.

5. You listen to the same stupid rap songs every day at said volume above.

6. You allow drunken friends to sleep in your room at four in the morning, despite your roommate's constant protests and wanting to desperately get back to sleep.

7. No matter how many times you are reminded that you have neighbors who crave sleep, you always forget and do things that force another reminder.

8. When said neighbors give you a reminder (Ex: "Turn the volume down, please). You comply, then tell the neighbor(s) to "F*** off." Frequency of this occurance depends on the amount of beer that has been consumed at the time.

9. 21 does not mean 21, but rather whatever age you are at the time.

Sorry for taking this space to vent, but I felt it might be a good chance to do so.

Alea iacta est.

Date: 7/23/2000
From: dellyone

dark,

The die is cast. I have no time this week to do anything other than taking care of personal offline business. Sorry to you and to SpaceTime about this, but this can't be helped nor pushed off to next week. Thanks again dark for putting on this tourney and taking time for judging. I had fun and was totally surprised to get past Round 1.

Seeing that no one even responded to the last round, I don't even think it's worth posting a redo. That's just my opinion. Even if I had time, it would be even odds that I would do a redo. Hell, if no one was curious as to who's handle was in that AIM chat for my first reply, then I'm not posting the answers. Why take any time to post something no one will read or reply too? Like I said this is only my opinion. As for me, acta est fabula. The play is over. My stories are done for now.

Yes, I do care that Morte de SpaceTime will arrive shortly. Good luck to you ST. Talk to you later. :)

dellyone

P.S.

dark, I hope your living arrangement gets better. Living on one coast and working on the other would be a hell of a lot easier if there were transporters to take you from place to place. Sorry once again. I just don't have the time.

In light of that. . .

Date: 7/23/2000
From: Stoker_chick

<SORRY it took so long to reply!>

But may I merely suggest that you judge in respect to proclaimed handicaps? It does not seem as though the ToP has sustained its original popularity anyway, and I can relate with dellyone to some level, as I know you can, in reference to lack of time. As for the computer problem, at least you have the priviledge of ready access to a computer. I have to use a payphone with my laptop, or a cyber cafe. Nightly.

Anyway, I have spoken my opinion. I will ultimately not object either way, but it seems as though the sooner this is over with the more advantageous to all of us.

And yes dark, I too am looking forward to Morte de ST.

Is this recent explosion of low bboard self-esteem some sort of contagion or something? Wow, it seems as though everyone is feeling unwanted or unnoticed. . . I thought I was the only one. I've always been to hesitant to even submit any of my FF, as well, because I thought it would be too far out. Nonetheless that no one would read it, and so on.

Rejection is a powerful adversary, we have all come to learn. You'd think flaming would have overpowered that fear.

Sorry this was so long, I tend to go off on tangents like no one else when I have the time. . .

Peace out.

Stochi.

Original URL http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/22257
Nominated by darkslider