Date: 6/29/2000
From: darkslider

Finally, I'm done. If you notice anything incorrect, post here. If you don't like anything, post here. If you think I'm an ass for taking so long EAT ME.

Before we get to anything let me say something. I SAID WAIT A SEC!! DON'T SCROLL DOWN TO THE BOTTOM TO SEE YOUR RESULTS DAMMIT!! STAY HERE!

Okay, first I want to tell you how friggin DIFFICULT this has been. You are ALL advanced flamers. ALL of you. I, in my infinite wisdom thought that I could make decisions on these a la solo. However, like the "almost real" synthetic Jubblies RJ wears around the house in order to feel "feminine" that was not the case. I recruited two judges to help me on the closer flames. I largely attribute this to your prowess and my inability to SLEEP for the WHOLE DAMN NIGHT. Lord, someone shoot me. I need rest

Next, I want to tell those of you who were DEFEATED. DO NOT call me an ass, try to kill my pets, or RAPE SPACETIME IN RETALIATION. All of you have another shot at victory. Unless you are dumber than a brain damaged starfish, you'll notice that the upcoming battles will be a tad lopsided, similar to SpaceTime's the melted JuJubies that he calls testicles.Allow me to explain...
--------------------------------------------
The Tournament of Pee-Ons(Defeated Battles)
--------------------------------------------
All of the defeated are placed arena style in ONE POST. The best flame written against the others moves on into the empty spot in the next tournament. This will occur once for the next round, as well as the proceeding round beyond that.

So! DO NOT QUIT, of you WERE DEFEATED. You can still win the tournament if you fight wisely!!!

If anything you have it easier. YOUR battle in the "Gladiator Arena" has one rule. PUMMEL EVERYONE IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE. You guys have fallen from grace, and I want a chance to let you redeem yourselves. So, I'm going to allow ANYTHING to happen in the interests of giving EVERYONE an equal shot.

Slideking..this is were you start the flamin as well. Be ready!
----------------------------------------------
Those Who were unable to attend their battles
----------------------------------------------
Fish_Bone:
All I can say is....DAMN. The flame was KING, my man. But I simply cannot allow it, it just wouldn't be fair. But, with your prowess, I have a feeling you may not be down at all. We may see you in Round III or IV after all!

You, my dear FIsh_Bone are given an option. You can enter TOPO OR you can go into a separate DEATH CARD Match with the defeated member of Battle#VII. The winner nabs round III's empty place. The loser? Gets nothing NO TOPO and must watch the rest from the sidelines.

You can decline the DCM, which will put you AND your opponent into TOPO, and you WILL be allowed to try for both Round III and IV. Please post your decision here as a reply.

Time:
Where ARE you man??? What happened??
The same rule that hit Fish hits you. I can understand circumstances, but I must place ya in the other TOPO. My apologies.

 

Now, what most of you have waited for. Some will be a surprise, others..will be plain as that berry on Aaron Neville's face.
----------------------------------------------
Rulings on Round I
----------------------------------------------
I will go by battle with comments on each along with the Sass rating, and reasons for it's number.

Battle I Jorge vs. Prime2099
============================
Jorge,
The amount of fire you have is a scary thing, my man. You not only used a twinkie AND a tootsie-roll references, but also questioned his lineage in MANY ways.
The addition of a poem was creative, and unique.
Please remind me to never piss you off. EVER.

Sassrating.........8.

 

Prime2099,
Beautiful use of the doctor's note. Original. Jorge's porn attack rocked you a little, but you came back okay with the reference to his mother. Yet, your attack on his poem weakened you, as your retort seemed to show that the shock of what Jorge did stunned you to silence.

You are a worthy opponent, but Jorge's poem rocked you, and nailed your coffin on an otherwise very good battle.

Sassrating..........6.5

Winner....JorgeCis

 

BattleII: CoolSlider vs vance454
================================
Cool,
Use of phony AIM convo....nice!Funny stuff. Your use of family lovin was good as well. Overall, a nice set of flames.

Sadly, you AND JIMBO posted after the gun went off. Two VERY funny posts.

Sassrating..............6.5

vance454,
my GOD JIMBO. You let out the TIGER!! "Donkey raping shit eater" was a true piece of art. Kari Whurer reference? Nice. I didn't know you had it in you! However, originality beat those two flawless lines. I like you, and I expect to see you in the free for all, killing many.

Sassrating..............6.0

Winner......CoolSlider

BattleIII: dellyone vs. Nobuyuki
================================
delly:
Your story was great! To use his story against him was brilliant. Excellent originality and humor. I gave you a sasspoint on pure CAHONES. To give the judge 99% out of a DESERVEDLY 100 is downright living dangerously! :)
Use of Etch-a-Sketch...definite plus. You tore Nobu down without actually outright hitting him many times! Excellent!

Sassrating.................8

Nobuyuki:
Your flames were good stuff! Use of Sailor Moon? Good. Use of comic book hero? BETTER. A counter attack would have been good to delly's second attack, as allot of the first flame deflected much, but not ALL of her attacks on you.

Sassrating..................6

Winner.......dellyone

BattleIV: Sabre_Edge vs. Fish_Bone
===================================
Sabre....

Nice job. See you in round two!

Fish....
DAMMIT! See above

Winner....Sabre_Edge.

BattleV: SpaceTime vs. TimeFluxEMC2
====================================
SpaceTime:
Your arrogance, like your love of seeing old men naked knows no bounds.

Time:
Dude?

Winner....SpaceTime. His prize? A SWIFT KICK IN THE ASS!! Nice guy INDEED.

BattleVI: Stoker_Chick vs. KllyWlls
=====================================
Stoker:
Hunter's a lucky man. You attacks, although a bit lengthy were excellent. Your ENTIRE style is new and innovative. An example...."You are an arrogant psycho hose beast who tries to find yourself to be that much deeper than the Taco Bell Chihuahua, which is subsequently found to be by far your superior in every aspect of life" All I can say is..beautiful. Reconstruction of her name. FUNNY. DAMN FUNNY.

Sassrating..................9.5

KllyWlls,
Okay, first off let me say this. NICE JOB! Your attacks were disturbingly funny AND your potty mouth was Sassy. In any other battle, you would have decimated. What beat you was Stoker's original style and breakdown of your character. Please PLEASE fight in the battle to get into Round II. I look forward to seeing you continue!

Sassrating.................8

Winner..Stoker_Chick

Battle VII: DieselMickeyDolenz vs. RMScream
==================================================
This was the HARDEST one to do, as both of you are SUPERB Flamers. Both, I might add are newcomers. You both showed originality, creativity, and a hugely warped psyche. I was forced to get two judges in on this, as I had a vote of a tie. Both chose only one after MUCH debate.

DMD,
All I can say is: "Dude, Man-at-Arms doll? You scare me. REALLY SCARE ME."

Your attacks are SUPERB as well as CREATIVE, and unparralled, save for your opponent.

Sassrating........SASSTASTIC..10.

RMS,
I know you personally. And I must say that your surprised even MY expectations! You're bee analogy was.....odd and had me laughing AND seeking to block your from my AIM account out of fear! You are an OUTSTANDING FLAMER.

Sassrating.........SASSTASTIC....10.

Judge's votes.....DMD.

RMS is given the option of Death Dual with Fish_Bone. If he accepts, he will be allowed to fight Fish for a chance to take the first empty seat in Round II. If he loses...he has to watch from the sidelines. If he should chose to decline the offer, he goes to the TOPO to try his chances for Round III AND IV.

It's up to you man. Either way, it'll be one HELLUVA FIGHT. All you have to do is reply here. I'll take care of the rest.

Damn. That one was tough.

 

Battle VIII: RandomsEdge vs Brand_S
====================================
RE,
Let's face it. We don't like each other. I think you're a dyslexic man/sea anomie half-breed. BUT, I have to give credit where credit is due. You ARE DAMN good, and save for want of a dictionary, you are a worthy opponent. BUT, you attacked the judge, which was TOTALLY off-topic, AND you're posts were not in an original style.

Sassrating.................8

Brand_S,
Son, you did Poppa proud. Your flames were ALL over your opponent like ugly is on RJ. You posted in not two but THREE different flames! Superb work, and truly the sign of a master. Quick paced, and funny to read. You are KING, man.

Sassrating........SASSTASTIC...10

Winner....Brand_S.

Battle IX: Slider_Quinn21 vs. SingularVisions
===============================================
Quinn:
Not bad. The attacks were adequate, but it turned into a sort of S5L/Hate argument. The attacks were well put together and thought out, but not enough humiliation. You left SV standing. However, you have ALOT of potential, and given the right opponent, you could be more deadly than anyone.

Sassrating........................6

SingularVisions
Again, the attacks were eloquent, but too much S5 shit. Not so much an attack on each other, but on the show. You DID add insult ladended info which was sassy, AND you did attack Quinn in creative ways. You've proven yourself once again!

Sassrating..........................7

Winner..SingularVisions

Battle X: HunterD_Raven vs. TheObseleteMan
============================================
This one had potential. You are both superb flamers. SUPERB. Yet, the punches seemed to be pulled for some reason. Maybe it was just the judges and myself, but the general expectation was a complete BLOODBATH.

This fight was nice to read, but alot of ego was involved. While I admire arrogance, it seemed a bit much.

Hunter
Your flames were good stuff. You attacked with gusto, breaking down TOM's flame which is a plus. It did the trick nicely, but again you seemed to be saving something for him...or your next opponent.

Keep in mind, both of you, the respect for each of you has not faltered. I'm just calling it how we saw it!

Sassrating..................7.5

TheObseleteman:
When I learned you were EPT, I was a little befuddled. I thought, and still think (No offence DMD) that you and Diesel were the same guy. I also expected DMD's and EPT's level of carnage. I was not too disappointed, but something was not there. I have a feeling it might have been rage.
Your attacks were funny, but not super devistating. Hunter's counters adequately broke them down and delivered them back to you!

Don't leave though! You've still got a shot at Round III and maybe IV depending on Fish's and RMS' stuff!

Winner......HunterD_Raven by judges ruling.

-----------------------------------------
That's it. I hope no one is pissed, as I called em how I saw them. No more, no less. If you wish to contest, go right ahead. I have thick skin and can take your attacks as well as have a discussion with you all!

The Tournament of Pee-Ons OR Death_Card will take place depending on what Fish and RMS choose will happen on July 5th, so we can get a winner and get the ball rolling for the last rounds.

I am revamping the rules. I am also revamping a bit of the grading system and acquiring one more judge to aid me. I am also looking for ANYTHING. ANYTHING that will allow me to SLEEP.

The rules and revamps will be posted on Monday, so keep your eyes peeled!

Round II Begins on Tuesday July 4th.
-------------------
The Battles are:
-------------------
Sabre_Edge vs JorgeCis
SpaceTime vs. SingularVisions
HunterD_Raven vs. Stoker_Chick
Brand_S vs. DMD
CoolSlider vs. dellyone

-----------------
Now, I'm gone. Any questions, e-mail me OR post here.

-darkslider

Well done all of you.

Seriously man!

Date: 6/29/2000
From: Stoker_chick

I can relate to the mutant-insomnia deal. But I swear, draincleaner tastes like vodka, dude. I promise it'll knock you out, or something.

Damn, the next set of matches just seem slightly deliberate to me, or am I just looking through rose colored glasses at the moment?

But nice job on the rulings, I can't complain. But I believe that you forgot to include EPT's sass rating. Unless, of course, I was mislead, and it's the same as Hunter's?

Peace out.

Stochi

Stochi and TOM

Date: 6/29/2000
From: darkslider

Obseleteman:
Sorry! you got a 7.4!! My apologies!!!

Stochi!
darin cleaner, huh? I think I may try that if the "mallet to the head" perscription doesn't cut it!

thanks..and well done!
darkslider

Dark, Pa...

Date: 6/30/2000
From: Brand_S

You are the BEST DAD EVER!!!!!

As per DMD, well, he did kill me and the LoB once, so I'm looking forward to something going down there. Not that it matters or anything, seeing as how I'm immortal! But until July 4, s/he's not a bad mystery person, so that makes it okay!

S

Um, ds, one last thing...

Date: 6/30/2000
From: Stoker_chick

You've really got to tone down on all those apologies man, or you're going to start sounding like RE after the first seventy three times he *missed* in his attempt at having anal sex with his poodle.

Peace out.

Stoker
stoker_chick@hotmail.com

----------------------------
With insomnia, you're never really asleep; you're never really awake.

-Tyler Durden
----------------------------

I must admit, dellyone was better!

Date: 6/30/2000
From: Nobuyuki

Talk about the past coming around to bite you in the ass! It was a hell of a read and had me laughing hard. Reading it for the first time, I knew I was going to have a heck of a time trying to counter that!

I got to admit

Date: 6/30/2000
From: dellyone

that you stumped me, Nobuyuki. I was thinking how the hell I was going to get out of that. I was laughing hard when I read yours too. I threw out several ideas before I got that last one and was writing it till the last minute.

Good luck in the TOPO!

dellyone

PS

I sent you an email.

darkslider, luv...

Date: 6/30/2000
From: capaqu

That insomnia has had you in its grip for quite a long time now, hasn't it? Poor, baby! Tembi has not been doing her job well!

Seriously, I wish I could help. I have my share of sleepless nights. If you do find a solution to the insomnia, please tell me!

capaqu

The Hunter...Speaks

Date: 6/30/2000
From: HunterD_Raven

:::The Hunter Says" plays as D enters to his usual cheers, and a chant of "Hunt-Er Hunt-Er":::

OK, since this is a tourney thing i can't help but kick my Wrestling stuff up to the next level. I do think me vs TOM had some punches pulled, after all we are both JOC-hatin,Wrestlin-lovin guys. Heck he was one of the first people i really got along with here.
but, i can't wait to see him unleash on everyone else!
Me vs Stoker...what are you purposely putting me up against the people i like?
If i win next is me vs S i can feel it.
Stoker, you know i like ya, but this is a matter of pride for the "Clown Prince of Flamers" I do have a rep to live up too. Good luck, and may the best gothy,Alternative music listening, weirdo freak win ;)

D

To SpaceTime

Date: 6/30/2000
From: SingularVisions

Whoah...looks like it's you against me!! Didn't know it would be this soon. Well, may the best man win. =^)

Good luck, dude!

I'll expect to see you here on the fourth! ;^)

 

- SingularVisions

I Accept!!!

Date: 6/30/2000
From: Fish_Bone

I want to go on to...DEATH CARD! One on One! With the great one! RMScream, You really are one hell of a flamer! To be in a flame war with you will be an honor! May the best man win!

Fish Bone
><)))'>

Sorry we couldn't spar FB...

Date: 6/30/2000
From: Sabre_Edge

...hopefully we'll meet again in the tournament.

Looking forward to taking on my boy Jorge. Ready for a Dec-10 barn burner JC?! You got 4 days to hope and pray ;)
May the best man win. :)

SE

Oh, ST...

Date: 6/30/2000
From: SingularVisions

I meant to post this earlier and I finally have time to do it:

You're an awesome flamer and I can't wait to witness your prowess. =^)

And, in no intention to copy Fish_Bone: It is an honor to be in a flame war against you. May the best flamer win!

 

- SingularVisions

*Klly bows to Stochi*

Date: 6/30/2000
From: KllyWlls

Congrats!! Very well done, oh and Hunter..if you're reading this by any chance....good luck...yooou're gonna need it!

Don't think that this is the last o' Klly though!!!!

Hehe
-Klly

Good luck, SE!

Date: 6/30/2000
From: JorgeCis

This should be an interesting one. I'll be ready and waiting with open flames. ;-)

D-10, baby!

Jorge

<Shakes CoolSlider's hands>

Date: 6/30/2000
From: dellyone

Good luck! May we have a glorious battle.

Green light baby! This time I'm not taking hostages.

dellyone

Hey dark and S!

Date: 6/30/2000
From: DieselMickeyDolenz

First, darkslider, no offense taken. I swear to you that TOM and I are two different people. My handle was inspired by his, but I'm my own man. I won't pretend that I don't post here under another handle, but EPT/SOK666/SC69/TOM's not it. Folks like dellyone and Tigs can back me up on that. Please, no one badger them on my "true" identity. I plan to do a "guess the Diesel" poll when the tourney is done. My regular handle will be revealed after that.

Now, S. I'm guessing you're looking forward to this after my little BWII post. You, sir, are a mighty opponent and I welcome the opportunity to match barbs with a master. My Internet acess will be limited at best on July 4th, but I'm not backing down. I enjoy firewoks of all kinds.

Diesel
Mickey
Dolenz

I accept as well...

Date: 6/30/2000
From: RMScream

I also accept the death match with Fish_Bone. I'll give it my best so I can get back into this tournament. Good luck, bud. Can't wait to challenge you! :-)

-RMScream

Same to you, delly!

Date: 6/30/2000
From: CoolSlider

Good luck.

And to let you know, there's no holding me back this time...and I'm not going to post something good *after* the time is up.

Later! :)
CoolSlider

If you ask me...

Date: 6/30/2000
From: Fish_Bone

It would suck to be in the TOPO. It may be like the Royal Rumble, but come on! As for scream? May the best bad ass mother fucking asshole win! HunterD_Raven, could you do the Introduction for our fight? I want to come in with Curt Angle's music! LOL!

Fish Bone
><)))'>

Deliberation Time

Date: 7/1/2000
From: RandomsEdge

DarksliderX. I protest. Brand_Sludge did not beat me, nor was I the only one to refer to you in their flaming. You have a biased opinion, and it showed. I have more than one handle, and it won its match.

Brand_S. You piecemeal smuk.

Yeontoo. Honey, you never did tell me if you wanted a private match or not. I'd go easy. Brand_S brought you into the flame war, I didn't.

Sabre_Edge. Imitation is a compliment dude. It was just a porn pic of fat lady, not the 10 commandments with the constitution rolled together.

Everyone else. I got me a new handle. You assinine buttwipes won't ever figure it out.

As for the TOPO, July 5th is coming.

Random...

Date: 7/1/2000
From: RMScream

Dude, quit blaming Darkslider for your shitty performance in the competition. He wasn't biased in the least. It's not his fault you lost, it's YOURS! Quit your bitching and shut the hell up.

-RMScream

Oh..... RandomsEdge

Date: 7/1/2000
From: dellyone

Dude,<I'm using the word loosely> you lost. Not graceful even in defeat. Give it up. You're gonna lose TOPO too so why even show up.

Quote
I have more than one handle, and it won its match.
_____________

I didn't know there were neutered animals in the rounds. Who is this one you call 'it'? Must have been you since all the rest of the contestants were either male or female, but you lost. What match are you referring to?

______________

Quote
Everyone else. I got me a new handle. You assinine buttwipes won't ever figure it out.
______________

Could that be Salah_Abdul? Check it out at
http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/21798

How unoriginal is that? Damn, even ContessaM flamed you with Paula Abdul's Rush Rush. TF flamed you. Even Teddy Ruxpin flamed you. That's right even a stuffed animal flamed you. Why the hell can't you use a dictionary? It's spelled asinine. Hey, isn't it implied that gods are immortal? So why did you put (i.e. immortal) after god?

dellyone

I'm glad I didn't have to judge!

Date: 7/1/2000
From: DoctorQuinn

That was pretty good. I'm just glad it was only for sport. Congrats everybody!

The good doctor
p.s.-lol, dellyone! You go!

er, Random...

Date: 7/1/2000
From: TeddyRuxpin

YOU LOST, YOU ILLITERATE SNOT!

DAMN, how will you get that past that speck of lint you call a brain. Stop trying to get you name posted on the Guinness Book of World Records with "Most Unique use of a Cucumber" and read, and I mean R-E-A-D the post again you stupid fuck! And by the way, I don't think you have a chance in Hell in TOPO, since your idea for a unique flame is using the Milli Vanilli method. If you didn't understand what I just said, GET A GODDAMN DICTIONARY! But here's a translation: COME UP WITH YOUR OWN FLAMES, YOU CUNTMONKEY!

And furthur more, about you new handle, well "Salah", that is the most pathetic thing you've ever done. Hell even TF, TEMPORAL FLUX, flamed you.

Teddy has spoken. Leave my sight, Jackass!

T. Ruxpin

Original URL http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/21791
Nominated by darkslider