Date: 7/18/2000
From: darkslider

Well, I did not see this battle coming, and I must say that I am intrigued to see what will become of this battle.

SpaceTime:
You've been dicing and slicing like a madman. Let's see if "special" people really CAN be like everyone else, huh Corky? One more round till the end. Can you make it, monkeynuts?

Good Luck.

________________________________________________
dellyone:
Your skills at this are alarmingly impeccible. Use what you've got wisely, as few possess the stamina or ability of Space. The important thing is not become consumed with monomania.

Good luck!

One day. Rules are the same. OBEY THEM AT ALL COSTS.

-darkslider

Great.

Date: 7/18/2000
From: SpaceTime

I'm bored and I'm tired. It's been a week since anything even relatively interesting was posted on the bulletin board, and I doubt that's going to change in the forseeable future.

This Flame War has been a complete joke for me. Let's look at my "adversaries":

- TimeFluxMC2: Never posted
- SingularVisions: Mouth chattered faster than Oprah's food intake after "Beloved"'s box office take was released. Never recovered after my first post.
- Sabre_Edge: Bent over faster than a Thai whore looking at a twenty.

What does this say about Dellyone? Well, it shows that Zach is either a) high on crack feeding me all the truly miserable warriors so that I can make it to the finals in some mad, MAD attempt to get in my pants, or b) Dellyone truly has the merits to take me on. I'm hedging on the former.

Delly's pedantic ravings on RandomsEdge are at the forefront of the boring, mindless drivel we find at the BBoard. Her "flames" are nothing more than poorly constructed stories that seek to mock the target in a playful fashion.

LISTEN TO ME. THERE IS NOTHING PLAYFUL ABOUT PAIN.

As I sit taking a shot of rum to try and dull my weary existence enough to the point where I can sleep, I'm reminded of Dellyone's miserable Group X outtings in the second Beret War. I'm reminded of posts that spell out "Diesel Mickey Dolenz Drinks Pepsi." What I am NOT reminded of is someone that can KICK ASS AND TAKE NAMES.

What it boils down to is that Dellyone is creative with her words. She'd make an excellent writer of childrens stories, or perhaps the writer of Goofus and Gallant in "Highlights." She does not have the spark, though. It is obvious from the first time she posted.

I'm sure I'll get some stupid reply that targets me much like Yeontoo did during the BW2. I'm sure it'll have all the wit and brevity (yeah, right - Deli Bun's first "flame" was tome-length) that her Lite Brite affords her.

DO NOT THINK I AM READY TO BOW DOWN. THE TIME OF PAIN BEGAN A WHILE BACK. IT ENDS HERE.

- ST

It figures.

Date: 7/18/2000
From: SpaceTime

Seven hours left.

Seven hours for Dellyone to come to the sweeping realization that her time has come. It IS the end of the line for her.

I'm predicting one of two things:

1. Dellyone's synaptic pathways will fuse in the next 2 hours into a gelatinous, mucous membrane capable only of giggling at RandomsEdge's poor spelling.

2. Dellyone will be "clever" and wait until the witching hour to post one of her completely inane topics whereupon I enter a fantasy world where denizens of the BBoard are children who cannot control their bowels. Dellyone will couple this with segues that show her to be a master spy of somekind, her agenda unclear.

In any case, I am prepared for both. If I can write my way out of being shot by my underage teenage lover in the face, I can surely work my way out of whatever tripe Dellyone tries to throw at my feet. For she is the student, I am the MASTER.

- ST

Class DISMISSED.

Date: 7/18/2000
From: SpaceTime

Dellyone, do me a favor and pick a DIFFERENT motif this time around so I don't fall asleep reading your prose? Thanks.

JUBBLIES.

- ST

Can we talk?

Date: 7/18/2000
From: dellyone

<<Apologies to SpaceTime and darkslider for my lateness in posting due to the absolute lack of time to extremely urgent personal matters. - dellyone>>

SpaceTime’s house
Two weeks earlier
11:56 PM

Note: DungeonMaster is SpaceTime

You are entering The Kingdom of Kewlness

DungeonMaster: Welcome to my realm. :)
Assassin: Hey
LilacLady: hi
Queen: Good evening
Philosopher: hi
Shadow: hello
Muse: hullo
Scribe: Hi
Minstrel: hello all
WearyWarrior: greetings to all
WhiteKnight: hi
Darknight: YOU ARE ALL DEAD
LadyVamp: hi
Messenger: lol DK hi all :)
Darknight: LOL IS THAT ALL YOU CAN WRITE?
Darknight: OH THAT IS SO LAME
WearyWarrior: lol
Messenger: lol
Shadow: lol
Queen: dk stop picking on mssgr
Darknight: MSSGR AND DM ARE MY BITCHES
WhiteKnight: lol
Assassin: lol
LilacLady: LOL
Queen: Ladies present!
Philosopher: Where?
Shadow: lol
Muse: Ahem… you know which they are. lol
Scribe: Well, there’s only one here.
Darknight: BITCHES, BITCHES, BITCHES
LadyVamp: Excuse me, scribbler. There’s more than that.
Minstrel: yeah, Queen is the only lady here.
DungeonMaster: No I am not!
Messenger: lol
Darknight: SEE MSSGR IS MY BITCH AND HE OBEYS ME
Darknight: DM OBEY ME AND GET NAKED
Queen: STOP IT DK!
Shadow: lol
WearyWarrior: do it, he is a god!
LilacLady: So what did everyone get on their assignment?
DungeonMaster: I will not get naked!
Darknight: MAMA’S BOY!
Scribe: That bitch screwed me over.
Queen: Ladies present!
WearyWarrior: DAMMIT, DAM… losing power to swear
Messenger: hell hell hell hell okay I’m done
Queen: thank you. :) 100
Assassin: I got 105 and the highest in the class
Minstrel: 80
WhiteKnight: An 80 also. I hate her.
Muse: Hate is such a strong word. How about dislike?
Darknight: 99. I HATE HER TOO
LadyVamp: 100
Philosopher: 100
LilacLady: 100
Shadow: I got a 100
WearyWarrior: 100 also
Darknight: I HATE YOU ALL
DungeonMaster: I got a 99 also. What’s her problem anyway?
Shadow: She’s insane
Queen: eccentric
Shadow: I’m not kidding. She’s insane.
WhiteKnight: where’s the proof?
Shadow: Working on it
Messenger: yeah lol
DungeonMaster: change of subject. Um… there’s this lady and um..
Darknight: CALL HER NOW
Queen: It’s almost one
Darknight: NOW DUNGEONMASTER!
WhiteKnight: you still didn’t call her yet?
Messenger: yeah call her
Darknight: OR YOU ARE A COWARD
Darknight: CALL HER
Assassin: Booty Call!
WearyWarrior: yeah call her
LadyVamp: Guys, that isn’t nice
LilacLady: It’s too late
Scribe: not for a booty call
DungeonMaster: It’s not a booty call! I’m not calling her now.
Minstrel: shake shake shake your booty
Assassin: that isn’t proper
Muse: call her in the morning
Shadow: she’ll probably be angry at you if you call now
Darknight: YOU DON’T HAVE HER NUMBER
Messenger: lol
Darknight: SEE MSSGR OBEYS ME
DungeonMaster: I’ll talk to her sometime tomorrow
Darknight: BANG HER FOR ALL SHE’S WORTH
Queen: Don’t listen to the guys. Talk to her.
WhiteKnight: who is she?
DungeonMaster: She’s in one of my classes
Muse: Anyone we know?
Shadow: yeah tell us
Darknight: OBEY ME AND TELL US
Queen: Leave him alone.
Assassin: He’s a virgin!
Messenger: lol
Minstrel: like a virgin touched for the very first time
DungeonMaster: SHUT UP ASSASSIN!
Philosopher: There’s nothing wrong with that
WearyWarrior: nothing
Scribe: Well at least you don’t banging around like DariaTeen
Muse: Find out what she likes. Maybe some poetry
LadyVamp: Any shows, movies or songs she likes
LilacLady: What’s she like?
DungeonMaster has left the room

Space’s Mom: (screaming in angry voice) SpaceTime open the goddamn door now! (pounds on door) You are such a fucking moron!

Space hurries up and shuts down computer before opening door to his mother. His mother is holding several items.

Space: (mutters) Oh shit!

Mom: (holds up maxipad and shoves it into his face) Dammit boy, how many times did I tell you to check if the maxipads have wings or not. (points to edge of maxipad) I told you that I wanted the ones with wings. Dammit you are so stupid! You should have asked someone first. (throws down maxipad to the floor and holds up pantyhose) What did I tell you about getting the right size? (pulls pantyhose over head, but it gets stuck at eyelevel) If it goes over your head and down to your neck, then buy it. See this one doesn't so you shouldn't have bought it. (throws bedsheets at his feet) What did I tell you about wetting your bed? Next time put the rubber sheet underneath. Why can't you go to the bathroom like others? (Space starts to open his mouth) Shut the hell up! I didn't ask you to answer. Don't give me that crap about seeing dead people. The Home for Adults called me and they said that Katy doesn't want to see you anymore. The poor girl is deaf, dumb and mute and you leave porno all over her room. That was stupid to do. At least take advantage of her, dipshit. Not like anyone would ever love you. The funeral home owner called and complained that you've been practicing on the corpses again. At least they don't complain. Now go to the store and get that cream for your jock itch. Then I'll give you a sponge bath and put that cream on. But first, it's time to shave my back and remove the fuzz between my toes. (she pulled him by the ear to her room)

dellyone

Final Evaluations

Date: 7/18/2000
From: dellyone

Two weeks later
Lecture Hall
10:13AM

Excerpt from SpaceTime's creative journal.
Assignment was to describe a setting for a novel or short story.

She had crafted a hearty meal with her loving hands - his favorite. The table was elegantly set for two - fine china and silverware. A silver ring was placed around the center of rolled white linen napkins to hold their shape. Each was placed next to each setting. A single red rose in a crystal vase was the centerpiece, the only object separating the two. She fussed over the settings once more as the time grew near for his arrival - moving the centerpiece slightly to the left or to the right as well as the silverware. Finally, she was satisfied just as she heard the doorbell ring.

She whipped off her apron and swiftly hid it in a drawer. In the hallway mirror, she stopped and fixed her hair and straightened her blue dress. He rang once again.

As she opened the door, he smiled as the wonderful aroma hit him. He presented her with a single red rose which she graciously accepted. Leading him inside, he commented that she shouldn't have gone to the trouble for preparing him dinner. He would have gladly gone out to a fine restaurant of her choice as he offered eariler. She didn't hear of that since this was from her heart. She intertwined the two red roses together and placed them once again in the vase.

Cassie, impersonating dellyone, stopped at this point and screamed, "Dammit SpaceTime, this is plagiarism! I wrote this a month ago. It's on my website. For the umpteenth time, I don't love you! Damn your free pass to "The X-Files" set, your cinammon rolls, your affectionate name for me - Delibuns, your extra disruptor you gave me. I am Shadow and I know exactly what all of you think of me!"

Space pulled his disruptor from the floor."If you don't love me then no one can. Prepare to die!" he screamed.

Cassie smiled, "A final request - sunglasses. That thing is too damn bright." Space nodded in agreement and she put them on.

Right before Space pulled the trigger, a bright light flashed throughout the lecture hall, stunning everyone for a few seconds. Just enough time for Cassie to draw her disruptor and shoot SpaceTime. Particles fell through the air.

 

One hour later
dellyone's office

Final Evaluations

Pass

darkslider
Tigs
Yeontoo
Slider_Sarah
Stoker_chick

To be cancelled (ie killed)

EustiSlider
Sabre_Edge
RMScream
HunterD

signed

Cassie Ryan
Group X
Chief training instructor

Apologies to SpaceTime and darkslider...

Date: 7/19/2000
From: dellyone

My apologies to you both for the eleventh hour posting of these replies. Also to those posters who kept checking for my replies. I have been extremely busy today and the only time I was able to get on the computer and post was at this late hour. Thanks dark for taking the time to put on this tourney and the judging.

SpaceTime,
Kudos to you and good luck in the finals <extends hand>. Yes, what I posted sucked, but what could I do in less than 40 minutes. Well, dammit you won again. No master spy this time. All of you were in school to train as assasins. Some of you made it. Some of you didn't. Anyways, you are the master along with darkslider. I am but a lowly student who understood your lessons, but never did follow them. ;-) lol

dellyone

Original URL http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/22174
Nominated by darkslider