Date: 6/28/2000
From: darkslider

I SWEAR THIS ONE WAS RANDOM! Seems a bit like "fate" though..

Brand_S:
Son, make Poppa proud! We've been in the trenches together before in other battles, and I've been DAMN thankful!! I've been witness to the power you have and the unending amount of creativity you posess! You are one talented guy, my man. Good luck!

RandomsEdge:

Everyone's calling you a sissy, Shortcake, just like the little kids do when you go to their Elementary school to pick up on the 5 year old honeys! Now's your chance to show everyone wrong. You gonna show and fight? If you do, I'd wish you luck, but a better thing to do is give you some advice. GET A DICTIONARY BEFORE you attack. We don't want to have another incident like we did last time, huh?

One day. You can flame AS MUCH AS YOU WANT. At the end of the day, I stop it, and judge the winner. There will be ZERO bias in this one, just like the others. RE, you show me whatcha got, and it's SASSTASTIC, you will be given your dues!

Hey RandomsEdge!

Date: 6/28/2000
From: Brand_S

Hee hee! Gess what! Yer a stoopid head! Hee hee hee! Hee hee hee hee!

S

That was layme, even for you

Date: 6/28/2000
From: RandomsEdge

Lookie Lookie, here comes some nookie! Bend over baby. What's the matter, dark still using your tongue?

Rollin' up da sleeves...

Date: 6/28/2000
From: Brand_S

[Today is going to be a very special day in RandomsEdge's life... and, like many special days, it's going to be his last!
It starts out a normal day. RandomsEdge wakes up in the morning bare-hiney naked as always with a jagged, broken beer bottle up his ass. His head lays on the thigh of his father, about two inches away from his penis. On the TV is Random's favorite show: "Dougie (Debbie's brother) Does Middle School." He giggles with glee as his father starts to stir, ready for another day of paternal lovin'.
RandomsEdge's father, who, for want of a better word, we'll call Tito Jackson, notices an alarming problem, and summarily grabs his son by the long, purple tentacle atop RandomsEdge's head that earned him his nickname...]

Tito: HEY TENTY!!!!! We got a rule in this house! When I wake up, your lips are ON MY DICK!!!!! NOT NEAR!!!!!! NOT NEXT TO!!!!!!! ON!!!!!!! I don't make you wear lipstick to bed for nothin!!!!!

[RandomsEdge looks over at Danny Bonaduce and DonProc, who are also laying in the bed.]

Danny Bonaduce: Yeah!
DonProc: And stop being immature!!!!!
Tito: You know the rule, Tenty! When you forget like this... no tossing my salad for a week!
DonProc: Yeah, Randy!
Randy: [who is also Tenty and RandomsEdge; in case your brain is as small as that marble between Randy's ears] Awww, but Daddy!
Tito: No buts... or eating them out, either! Now take a shower!

[Randy leaves the room. As soon as he's gone, both DonProc and Tito get up to a kneeling position on the bed.]

Tito and DonProc: [in unison] Swordfight! WOOHOO!!!

[Randy goes to the bathroom, which is also the kitchen and the garage.]

Randy: Okay, Ricky, shower me clean so I can go on to school!

[A horse, whom Randy named after his hero, rdwebster, proceeds to lick him clean with his tongue.
An hour later, Randy rides naked into kindergarten class atop rdwebster. Well, not so much "atop" as "doggy style." As RandomsEdge dismounts (oh, pun intended!) his steed, everyone who is unfortunate enough to see RandomsEdge's sixteenth-of-an-inch flesh-colored pubic hair which bears striking resenblance to a penis (which he thinks is long and hard but is actually shorter and easier than DariaTeen's Mini-Me) immediately goes blind. The teacher screams in agony as she loses her vision forever. From that day until the day she died, all she could say is...]

Teacher: [delirious] Barnacles... Scrotum... Barnacles... Scrotum...

[Luckily, Randy takes the same class as that son of EPT's, who, from exposure to EPT, was made a mega-genius... That's right... Fucka J. Peckinpah-Martin!]

Fucka: Hey, the teacher's delirious... Recess forever!

[While everyone is outside playing in recess, Randy moons the crowd of kids. Most pass out from the odor combined with the shocking sight; those two don't wonder what that huge brown area is around Randy's butt.]

Randy: This is my Fun Hole! Check this out! If you dig far enough in, treasure comes out! Watch me try, then you can too!

[Randy somehow produces a spoon.]

Randy: This is my Diggin' Spoon!

[What happens next changes the lives of a class of kindergartners forever. Until the little pricks graduate high school, they have nightmares about the one called "The Digger!"
Randy comes home with a long face. His favorite female yak (and his biological mother), Yakky the Talking Yak, trots on over to him.]

Yakky: [extremely deep voice] What's the matter, son?
Randy: The kids at school didn't want to dig in my Fun Hole for treasure! What do I do, Yakky?
Yakky: Hey, I know just the solution. Why don't you get down between Yakky's legs and give your ol' Yakky and hour or two of sweet lovin'? That should cheer you up! And don't worry, as we speak Danny Bonaduce is making an extra special batch of clam chowder. He's shooting in exactly FIVE loads, just the way you like it!
Randy: Wow, that's great, Yakky! But how do I fit in with the other kids!
Yakky: They're just jealous because they're not 25 years old like you!
Randy: I guess you're right.

[And so, after about five yak-orgasms and six bowls of Danny Bonaduce's special recipe, Randy trudges on upstairs. For some reason, his depression is still there. He goes into his room, which houses thousands of posters of Richard Simmons, the purple teletubby, the she-male Olsen twins, Stone Phillips, 80's Roseanne (all nice and plump, just how Randy likes her!), Keith Richards, and Howards Hesseman and Hughes. Also there is Randy's favorite chair: sliderfanone on all-fours. His back is covered in brown-stains. At one wall of the room is Randy's prized posession: a computer. Well, it's actually an aquarium with a cardboard box taped to the side, but Randy doesn't know the difference anyway. Randy goes up to it, taps the side of the box, and waits for it to "load." Meanwhile, as he's waiting, a small marble falls out his nose. It's actually his brain, but with it gone, absolutely nothing changes.
When nothing happens to the aquarium, Randy taps the box again. Disappointed, he runs out of the room crying.]

Randy: [crying] We need a new computer cuz ours is broken!!!!!11
Tito: Go to the library, son! Use the computers there! Besides, Yakky and I are having a romantic candlelight dinner and we don't want to be interrupted!

[At the library, Randy takes a moment to walk around inside. When the librarians smell his BO, they scream louder than Jerry Falwell in a gay pride parade. Randy sits down at one of the computers.]

Randy: I know what I need... a woman! I'll log on to that Sliders BBoard! Brand_S rejected my offers for love, so I'll go to his friend, Yeontoo! She's a woman!

[Randy makes a new AIM identity and tries to talk to Yeontoo with it. His message: "Show me ur dicky!!!!!" Yeontoo's reply: "Just leave me the fuck alone you trolling little shit! Nobody wants you around here anyway you stupid fuck! We all know about the tentacle sticking out of your head and how you like to give tentacle-jobs to Tito Jackson, so just leave us all the fuck alone!"
Randy begins to alternately cry and caterwaul.]

Randy: [crying] How does she know so MUCH? And why won't she show me her dicky!

[The man on the computer terminal next to him starts to speak. He turns to Randy and addresses him.]

Executive: As an observation I picked up from Fantasy Island, I don't believe women have penises. But to furthur find connections between Sliders and Electra Woman and Dyna Girl...

[Randy only needs one look at Executive to realize one thing... He's in love!
That night, Executive and Randy are lying in bed next to each other.]

Randy: Hey Execie-poo, wanna see my Fun Rod?!
Executive: Of course, right after I explain why Sliders' ratings were always much lower than that of First Wave. It has to do with the magic potion in New Gods For Old...
Randy: I love it when you talk nasty! I wish I could show my Fun Rod to Brand S, but he doesn't want to see it! I want him to love on me, dammit!

[Suddenly, the roof is torn clean off RandomsEdge's house, which we'll call a hermit crab's ass for want of a better word. Wrapped in an aura which takes all the breath away from both RandomsEdge and his male lover before the first sight of him, Brand S, in his true form as the god S-Tron, descends until he is two feet above RandomsEdge's bed.
S-Tron's entourage of fifty pairs of mind-numbingly beautiful bare-ass naked lesbians follows suit. Hanging off each of his shoulders and prepared to follow his every whim are Sassy and Sophie. And, although any one of these people has enough power to knock RandomsEdge dead with one touch on the forehead, S-Tron brought along muscle too. At S-Tron's side is darkslider, built like a champ, looking like the Incredible Hulk with normal skin, and dressed just like a cross between a bouncer, a bodybuilder, a bodyguard, and a Secret Service agent. darkslider smiles a wide smile at the pathetic, puny little man lying in bed, and at Randy, the even more pathetic, puny little boy beside him. ]

S-Tron: [deep, booming godlike voice] You dare use my name twice in one day?!
RandomsEdge: All I wanted was sweet lovin' from you! I thought you were a woman!
S-Tron: I am nothing of the sort, so do not ever connect me with your pathetic kind of sex! I am Zeus given Dominion form!
Executive: That's it! RandomsEdge, it's over. I'm going to look for a real man!

[Suddenly, SpaceTime bursts in the door, decked out in a leather jacket with sunglasses, looking and talking just like the Fonz. Randy gets an immediate hardon, which brings his penis size up to about three-thirty-seconds of an inch.]

SpaceTime: 'Ey!
Executive: Space! The love of my life!

[With a flick of Space's wrist, Executive falls down dead. Randy makes a mental note: Executive is now ripe for more sweet lovin'.]

S-Tron: Spacius, you may be a god, like myself, but you are no Zeus. Show us all your true form, and spare us of these lies!
SpaceTime: Fine.

[SpaceTime morphs into Pan, the Satyr. He plays his flute as he Riverdances on his skinny goat legs.]

S-Tron: The time for our clash of the titans is later, if fate allows. Begone!!!!!

[SpaceTime scurries away on his goat legs, Riverdancing all the way.]

S-Tron: As for you, you pathetic excuse for an ursine-dildo storage unit, kiss the boot!

[S-Tron points to his left foot, which is covered in a tight rubber boot. Randy goes up to it and kisses it. Just as he does, S-Tron kicks him in the face. Greenish blood trickles down Randy's face.]

Randy: I want you to love me!
S-Tron: You sicken me. Go!!!!!

[S-Tron flicks his wrist, the slime on his boot is gone and RandomsEdge is hit by a number of invisible fists. He lays on his bed crying. S-Tron ascends back to Mount Olympus with all of his multitudinous entourage.]

Randy: [crying] Boo-hoo-hoo... Hey, I never saw that before!

[Randy looks at the wall of his room. There, on the far wall, is an electrical outlet.]

Randy: Oooh! A Fun Socket!

[Randy sucks on his finger and jams it in the outlet. As he does, his whole life flashes before his eyes, starting with when he came out of Yakky's vagina and the doctor mistakenly spanked him on the forehead.
And then, it all ends. Millions cheer the passing of RandomsEdge, especially Fucka, who got tired of explaining to a 23-year-old man how to write his own name.]

S

Lookie, Nookie Came out to Play afterall

Date: 6/28/2000
From: RandomsEdge

What tripe flows from your Wile E. Coyote mouth. Your Pee Wee Herman preoccupation with gay male sex has me more than a little worried. It isn't healthy to fantasize about Executive and Flash Gordon's penis to the point you shy away from women. Barney is not a substitute, I swear.

You've never been with a woman before, now have you DeepThroat? You yourself admitted it to Southern Slider. It's apparent, by your incessant puking at the sight of a nudie She-Ra poster, and panting at HeMan's, it's just gross, and completely unnatural. Nor the fact you added Big Birds head to your anatomically correct male blow-up doll going to win you lover brownie points with EPT, HunterD_Raven, or your hero himself, Mr. Belevedere .

How unfortunate that your fat momma didn't marry Fish_Bone. Fish_Bone could have forced your attention from Dr. and Theo Huxable to something more acceptable, like a real live woman as your playmate. Sabre showed us your momma's glamor shot picture that he found on Alta Vista; and Daffy, I just have to say, she is trying to show you a good time! In case someone missed it the first time, here's the url:

http://courses.unt.edu/sliu/fat_woman.htm
and in Sabre's own words, "Sick man, sick"

Jeez louise, please! The talking toilet in "Look Who's Talking" was imaginary. Mr. Toilet will not "eat your pee pee". Quit using big boy pullups and piss in the toilet, instead of standing there hoping that Mr. Toilet will be gentle with you.

One last thing Ernest, Yeontoo is a sex goddess, but she doesn't use foul language like that. She does NOT have a dicky, I know for sure. We are in constant contact, and even if you're upset about it, she loves my dick. We know you can't handle the hot sweet sassy loving she bestows.

One last thing. Trix are for kids to EAT, not stick up your butt as Asian love balls. And sucking up to Darkslider won't win this contest for you, and the fousome with Bert, Ernie, and Darkslider shouldn't matter.

RandomsEdge
Ps. Love Monkey, don't be upset I told the world our secret. I couldn't keep quiet any longer, and Brand_S did start it.

Don't reference my flame for your own!!

Date: 6/28/2000
From: Sabre_Edge

Get ORIGINAL! Ya know, like your Kama Sutra positions you use with Bucky the three legged pack mule.

TRY AGAIN!

damn....

RandomsEdge's Next (Short) Life

Date: 6/28/2000
From: Brand_S

[After the fortunate, timely death of RandomsEdge, RandomsEdge's soul passed into a newborn baby. This baby was born in under a mobile home in Arkansas, and his name: Buford. However, like many tribes of Native Americans, i.e. the Sioux, Buford's tribe of rednecks and hillbillies gave him a last name that reflects something about him. His full name: "Buford Cletis Shook Bull All Night Long."
For eight years, Buford lived with his parents, John Jiggles Horse Testes and Soleil Moon Frye. Although his favorite hobby was anal intercourse with his ALF blow-up-doll, he often made time for the occasional paternal blowjob or maternal spanking with a sieve. After all, he enjoyed those too.
However, Cletis' life changed on one fateful day when he was eight years old. He was walking into his living room while John was sitting on an ostrich's face. Soleil was standing next to him, braiding his armpit hairs which came down to his waist.]

John: Son, come here. I have to talk to you about something.

[Cletis walks over to his dad and assumes the position, which basically consists of unzipping his pants and opening his mouth wide open.]

John: No, no, no, not this time, son. You can go ahead and sit on that stool over there.

[Cletis looks over at the stool. It's turned upside down, and three of the Village People are already sitting on three of the four legs.]

The Sailor: You've got to be a macho man!

[Cletis sits on the fourth leg on what he calls the "Seat of Happiness."]

John: Son, I have a confession to make. You see, I'm not really your father.
Cletis: Ah reckon I's surprised. So who is m'father?

[Janet Reno walks into the room.]

Janet: [incredibly deep voice] I am, son!
Cletis: Ah reckon ah love you, mama!!!!!

[Cletis gets up and hugs Janet Reno, all the while feeling for that distinctive bulge in Janet's pants.]

Soleil: And I'm not really your mother either!

[Jon Lovitz walks into the room.]

Cletis: You're my mama?
Jon: YES, and I'd thank you to step away from me!
Cletis: You're a woman? You got a woman's thing?
Jon: I have EVERYTHING!
Cletis: Ah LOVE YOU!

[Cletis runs up to Jon and tongue-kisses him. Several sheep also enter the room.]

Sheep: [in unison] And we're your brothers!

[Gloria Stuart and a yak walk into the room.]

Gloria: And we're your grandparents! Check it out! I'm 90 and I still got it!

[Gloria disrobes in front of Cletis. Cletis gets a hard-on that's now comparable to that of a boll weevil.]

Cletis: But why are ya's all heah? Ah reckon there must be somethin' special goin' on and t'aint mah ejcashin! Ah don'ts gots no ejcashin! I learn t'talk ferm my kinky pet gorrila, Sergey!

[Sergey walks in wearing a pear of Power Rangers underoos. He beats his chest like the gorilla he is.]

Sergey: Hey, my name's not Sergey! It's Dudslide!! Get it right!!!! In case you didn't know, you're an idiot!!!!!
Janet: You lost your virginity to him and you STILL can't get his name right?!
Cletis: Ah reckon ah lost mah virginity to a DOORSTOP!!! Ah did me Sergey the day after!!!!
Janet: Oh.
John: You see, son, we've already arranged your marriage so we can keep ya away from the datin' pool. It's a favor we're a-doin' that god S-Tron cuz he was nahce 'nuff to kill that horse named rdwebster who kept gettin' in here and eatin' stuff like our lunches and Soleil's 'gina.
Soleil: Horse? That was Cletis TOO!
John: Mah mistake.
Anyhow, y'all'll be a-marryin' somebody in this room! Can ya gess who!
Cletis: Awww, but ah still wanted to go to cat orgies!!! Now ah cain't even do that!!!!!
John: Sorry son. Anyhoo, here's yer wife!

[John points to the corner, there is a small black tarantula.]

John: Don't you worry none, Cletis! That there's a female there. We measured 'ginas and asses and reckoned hers best fit the size a yer penis! Enjoy the weddin', son!

[The next day, all the trailers in Cletis' trailer park circle the cardboard box stage. There stands Cletis with his future wife standing below him. A minister (John with a copy of "Go Dog Go" in his hand) starts the vows.]

John: If anyone here sees any reason whah these two should NOT be joined...
Voice: Ah reckon ah do!

[The crowd gasps and turns to the voice... it's Brian Bonsall. He stands up and addresses the crowd.]

Brian: I'm Cletis' true love. We were just in the sack last night! He's been sleeping around!
Tarantula: [high, squeaky voice] Who cares!
John: Sorry, Tarantula, but we have to punish dultry round here! I know jus the thing!

TO BE CONTINUED...

S

A ruling for disqualification here?

Date: 6/28/2000
From: dellyone

RandomsEdge, you cut and paste and existing flame. Get a dictionary and look up the words you don't know please.

Quote:

Meaning that there is only ONE RULE. You DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, cut and paste a previously existing flame as your entry.

dellyone

The End of RandomsEdge's Next Life

Date: 6/28/2000
From: Brand_S

John: Okay, Cletis, I's already swallowed the BBs. Ah's gonna give y'all a death y'can enjoy, since y'are mah 'dopted son an all!

[Cletis understandingly, reluctantly gets down on his knees. He drops his father's pants and proceeds to suck his father's dick like a Hoover. Eventually, with an extremely loud BANG, a BB passes through Cletis' head, through the undersized meatball Cletis calls his brain, and out the other end of that piece of cardboard Cletis calls his skull. Cletis dies not from losing his brain (which is never a problem for him in any of his lives), but from the shock of the BB going through his head.

Fin.]

I win.

S

no disqualification

Date: 6/28/2000
From: RandomsEdge

I didn't cut and paste from Sabre's post. I wrote it down and retyped it, just so it wouldn't be "cut and paste". Dark was talking about taking the actual words of old posts, not a link to a picture. Go flame your opponent, you aren't worth my time. I did use Sabre's words "sick man sick" but I gave Sabre full credit. Instead of worrying about my match, you ought to try to do something with the crap you posted. I also didn't reply to your thread, since Dark asked us nicely NOT TO. What a simpleton.

Brand_S, what the flaming double whopper was that suppose to be? We don't need a transcript of your he/she brother/sister's actions. Tell him/her to make up his/her mind already! I swear to your god, the big purple dinosaur, that all of you need professional help.

I thought you were suppose to flame me you sorry piece of humanity? Stop giving me stories that make no sense, give me a fight! Wipe Dark's brown stain off your nose and tell the board about my preoccupation with women, and prove your lack of it.

Knowledge of mine and the goddess Yeontoo's sex life too much for you? Dedit huwt yer wittle feelwins that she di'nt tell yu all erbout et?

Need material? Maybe you should actually look inside those boxes at the library. They are called books. They have words in them, that literate people can read, understand and enjoy. Just for you, however, they have the books on tape too.

Your writing sucks a boar's dick. You have no imagination, and you are a little red cherry. Get a life.

You call that a flame?

Date: 6/28/2000
From: Brand_S

It hardly surprises me that you're limited to such lame material, seeing as how you're still connected to your mama in your current life (Gertie the Goat) by that big umbilical cord. What you try and whatever comes of that Coco Puff you use as a brain is of no consequence to me anyway.

You've obviously mistaken Yeontoo for that sheep in your bedroom, while the real thing talks to me every day about how pathetic you looked when she drove by you and saw you dressed in a pink tutu holding up that sign. What did it say again? "I don't want to disappoint you, but that's actually a lamprey between my legs. A hundredth of an inch still constitutes 'hung,' doesn't it?"

Let me explain something to you, Buford Cletis...

· THE FAKE YEONTOO is the only being alive that actually wants your body. That sheep in your bed is the only creature alive that would ever listen to your constant preaching of your desire to fuck a moneran. However, that sheep has been dead for 12 years, which was about 11.5 years before you started kindergarten.
· THE REAL YEONTOO and every other woman in the world (even the fat ugly ones who pretend they want you) see you for what you are: a fat, lazy, pathetic little canine dick receptor and a grossly overeating bedridden little prepubescent fuck who uses utterly pathetic diction, unimaginably unbelievable lies, and fantasies about other men in the hopes that somebody will actually think your words mean something. Let me tell you something, Junior. Nothing you ever say or do will mean anything. Your "judgement" is not only improperly spelled; it has the value of shoes to a tapeworm... or to be specific, the shoes you eat every day to FEED the tapeworm in that beach ball you've mistaken for your belly. You must have known this since that tender age of 60 when you first scouted the playground for naïve little boys. Or you WOULD have known this if that Coco Puff didn't explode with overuse when you were an hour old.

Yeontoo is your goddess and I am your god. Kiss the boot and pray none of my lesbians hurt you.

Love,
S

time for one more

Date: 6/28/2000
From: RandomsEdge

First off, little piss ant, I have manuscripts to prove the Goddess and I are making sweet sassy loving. Your unwillingness to accept this shows just how small the pea-sized brain-nut you have.

I did notice you got a little upset when your pitiful writing was criticized too. Did it hurt? aaaawwwwwwwww, cry me a widdle puddle.

You seem to think the posters here actually like all the blatant plagarism you employ. Get a grip son, Green Eggs and Ham is not superior reading once you past age 7, so why copy it?

Yeontoo did ask that I mail that little pink tutu to her favorite homosexual pet, did it reach you yet? Standing on the corner butt naked with a short sign around your neck,

Will Work
4 Food

is not only deplorable and pathetic, but it seems to distress my goddess. And I want my goddess to be happy when she makes me happy tonight.

Crawl back under your rock and beg the good doctor to experiment on you again, you are dirt beneath my fingernails, and its time I cleaned them.

Original URL http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/21728
Nominated by darkslider