Date: 7/13/2000
From: darkslider

Round III is as done as my sanity, or RandomsEdge's career in Exec's bathouse for chimps.

I have the results, but I'd like to first address an issue that is fast plaguing the world at large. It has wrecked our homes, destroyed family's lives, produced RE, and kept me awake at night. The issue, my dear audience?

HillBillies. OR, more specifically, HillBillies moving into suburbia. They come in waves, with their Rebel Flag waving, placing couches in the front yard, and playing GOD AWFUL Willy Nelson music at all hours.

Now, I have nothing against hillbillies..some of my best friends are hillbillies. Just so long as they do not live in MY house.

Sadly, that is no longer the case. The home I now live in is infested with HillBillies. That's right, ol' dark is now ovverun with people who can replicate their family line by drawing a straight line.

The country music does not STOP. The rebel hoots of the damned now echo in my halls...and the family...does not STOP.

Why am I living in such a place that contains the products of Travis Tritt songs, moonshine that acts as motor oil, and inbreeding like no other?

Simple. I live in shared housing. I am a student with a limited income, so I picked a place that best suited my needs. It was a perfect setup.

That is until I realised that my landlady was a crack addict. A crack addict who allows hillbillies to live rent free in my home, after knowing the family of Billies for a whopping SIX hours.

How do I know? Welp, I was awakened the other morning to the pounding of my door. Infuriated at the AUDACITY to bang on MY DOOR at 7am on a Saturday, I swung open the door to find a boy no older than four standing there drooling and giggling in a fashion that was oddly reminscient of Exec.

Before I could get info from him, and his dirty, diaper ridden frame, he ran away.

Thinking it was the landlady's grandchildren, I let it be...until at promplty the EXACT MOMENT I was about to rejoin Tembi in a position that only a dream can produce when the DOOR WAS POUNDED again.

This time, instead of rising, I stated in the nicest voice I could, "I have a GUN in here, and I am not afraid to use it!!".

The knocking ceased. As did my ability to slumber.

I took a shower, and got dressed. I came downstairs to be greeted by stange caterwalling that sounded nothing like MUSIC, but more resembled a noise some people make when they lose a limb.

I had a sense that I needed to leave. NOW..I ran like the devil was after me toward the door...two feet....one foot...six inches to the front door...when..."He" got me.

A man stopped me and asked "Howdy, who's yer momma?"

Thinking that I was about to relive a scene of Deliverance, I said nothing, but prepared to give ol Jeb a swift kick in the head.

I spun and what I saw before me was....a monstrosity of genetics.

There stood a man in a John Deer cap, a beer in his hand, and more tattos than teeth. Each tatoo porceeded to tell me in every way possible that the South would indeed, rise again. I shuddered and began to think of the horroes

He smiled and began to show two things.
1. He had less teeth than his four year old son.
2. That he also had a lower IQ than his four year old son.

He then recounted, in BillySpeak, how he had met my landlady and she had agreed to allow his wife, his 3 children, and himself to stay at her house..for a few days.

I instantly knew three things.
1. "A few days" is the equivalent to "A spell"..both meaning an indefinate amount of time. Lil' Cletus would be 18 before these people would be leaving.
2. They were staying rent free, while I was paying $450.00 a month.
3.I wanted to die.

I thanked Cletus for the info, and tried to make my way to the door, which was now blocked by Big Gulp Cups and shoes. Where the hell did they come from?!

After a short battle with the white trashparafenalia, I was successful, and made it outside. Only to be greeted by a little girl stading in a bucket of water grinning like a loon. She then proceeded to do a strange little jig in the bucket and asked me if I'd like to join her. Thinking quickly, I gave an excuse about my being cared of drowing in a 6 inch bucket of hose water. I got out of hte Buket of Fun, but at a cost. Ol Clet had enough time to catch up with me, and informed me of needing a ride to the "station". I had no choice but to oblige...and I have yet to NOT see a day since where one of the Family Cletus has NOT bothered me for something.

Why am I telling you this? Simple...the nonsense has effected my ability to judge in a timely manner, and has also left me to wonder at the reasoning behind hte creation of a race of people that follows monster truck rallies in the same fashion the Indians followed the buffalo across the plains.

Don't believe me? Ask Space. He was there. To witness the train wrecks that now live in my house.

He stayed no more than three minutes. A new record for ANY of my friends.

Anyway, without further ado, the results. The next Rounds will occur tommorrow, leaving the final round to Monday.

Battle III Results:
_____________________________

Stoker_Chick vs. RMScream

Stochi:
Interesting use of the RMS' name. You handledhis creative attacks with gust and were able to remain VERY creative in the face of RMS' barrage of lesbianistic insults.

SassRating...................9

RMScream:
Well done. Very creative, and very well thought out! Very funny stuff!! However, you remainded on the topic of her sexuality a bit much. The spectrum of focus relied on that and did not venture futher. In the barrage of her attacks you remained well standing, but were unable to defeat them with a counter that finished her off. You are a superb flamer, and please do NOT let this keep ya down. WE need stong flamers like you to keep this Bboard clean from the walking disasters that seem to try and gain control.

Sassrating...................8.5

Winner..Stoker_Chick
=====================================================
BattleII: DMD vs. dellyone

DMD:
Very funny stuff! You creatively countered her first ideas with gusto, but appeared to lose steam as the battle wore on. Delly's story second attacks were not countered with the ability I've seen you displayed over here in the past.
So, with sad...sad announcement, I am forced to give you...a

SassRating of.....................8

dellyone:
Your story was brilliant. You took DMD's counters and furthered them farther than I even could have. Well done!

SassRating(for creativity, AND humor)...........9

Winner..dellyone
==============================================
BattleIII: SpaceTime vs. Sabre_Edge

My question here is....what the HELL HAPPENED?

SpaceTime...
Your attacks were full of sass. Use of colostomu bag gets you major points. Use of Jubbles? Gets you a ten on accout of sasstantical use of flame. One word hits are EXTREMELY hard to pull off.

Sassrating....................10

Sabre_Edge:
Well.........what can I say? Where did you go? Your attack started strong, but finished in a puff of TOP filled angst. Your disdain seemed not for Space, but for the TOP itself. IF you wanted a break man, or even to quit, I would've obliged, man. However, your dance is now finished my friend. You did well and made it far. No hard feelings, as I still consider you one of the best.

Sassrating.....................2

Winnner......SpaceTime.
===================================================
Tournament of Pee-Ons

I could go through all of them and deliver the Sassratings for each, but the one thing Family Cletus has taught me is that you simply cannot take the time for things such as that. The most important thing is to do it "Good enough for Government work"..So, I'll just give the winner...

Blinker.
DAMN! You had me dying over the attack! You even succeeded in razzling RE to the point of being "genuinely hurt". It's about time someone delivered a blow as severe and painful as his existence on this planet does to those gifted with the power of sight.
Ingenuity........10..
Humor.............10..
Sasslevel..........10

Sassrating.................11. Highest anyone can get!

Well done, all of you. You all did beautifully, but Blink's took the cake. But, don't let the TOPO's end stop you though. That hairy backed chinchilla raper, we call RandomsEdge, still lurks on our Bboard. And it is ALWAYS fun to see his lemonhead shaped nuts smashed by EVERYONE.

------------------------------------------------
Semi Final Round(IV)

SpaceTime vs. dellyone
Stoker_Chick vs. Blinker

==================================================

That's it. Y'all come back now, y'hear?

-darkslider

Oh my...

Date: 7/13/2000
From: capaqu

Poor Poppa!

How do you manage to get anything accomplished?

Amazing!
cappy

"Genuinely hurt?!" WOOHOO!!!!!! <END>

Date: 7/13/2000
From: Brand_S

.

No excuses

Date: 7/13/2000
From: Sabre_Edge

Call it a categorizing of priorities, call it burn out, call it lack of "inspiration" but bottom line is I didn't get the job done.

I deserve the 2, definitely. I wasn't going to no-show, but I couldn't come up with anything good or even the desire to do it. My business has really been demanding my time as of late and I haven't been able to forumulate flames I should have. It is hard for me to come up with the anger filled ones when I'm pitted against people in a structured environment.

Nothing against dark or the TOP, but I just got tired of logging on and having to come up with new ways to humiliate or disgust an opponent I had no bad feelings toward. I lost fair and square and accept it fully. ST did an awesome job and his flames were funny. No hard feelings at all dark, I'm sincerly very impressed that you volunteer your own time to organize and judge the tournament. :) It has to be alot more time consuming than I can imagine.

SE

Why is it...

Date: 7/13/2000
From: Slider_Sarah

that people keep telling me student housing horror stories!!1 I'm getting scared now!!!

Looking forward to next round!

Sarah.

Zacky

Date: 7/13/2000
From: Yeontoo

Dear Zach,

Hun, the south is full of such a people. However, they ain't as bad as all that either.

Contrary to popular belief ...the South does not want to rise, the North is a COLD COLD place to live :) (Vig gave me nightmares with his snowstorm stories). LOL

Just cuz the Southern Hillbillies can sweet talk a Californy landlady, just aint no reason to pull to your hair out :) You were being extremely sweet to give the dad a ride to the station (whatever station that was) and you continue to be nice or they wouldn't keep abotherin you for something. Just continue to be nice hun. It'll be okay.

oh! I'd admit now, I have been to a monster truck rally ;)

hmmm?

Blessings
Yeontoo

ps. About the flame tourney... ain't you ladies and gents getting a tad wearied?

Oh, Poopie!

Date: 7/13/2000
From: Nobuyuki

I thought I had a great chance of winning the TOPO until Blinker ripped RE with that TOPOlogy post. He deserves it! There were a lot of posts that seemed like winners until Blinker made us all look silly.

<extends hand to Space>

Date: 7/13/2000
From: dellyone

Space,

Let's give the bboard denizens a show. Yes, I am tired as well as the others, but I will try to put on a good show.

dark,

Stop sending out the vibes. ;-) Send me some ideas. LOL. Thanks for taking the time for putting this tourney on and judging.

 

RandomsEdge,

You are the insect that is attracted to the light of an electric bug zapper. You get electrocuted every time you go there, but you are obsessed with the light. It calls to you and you go. So you come here to get your ass burned because you are obsessed with the white background of this bboard.

Oh, you say my flames are stupid. There's a reason for that.
This is the dellyone method for flaming RandomsEdge/RandomJudgement.

1. Read inane RE/RJ post.

2. Laugh for at least ten minutes.

3. Reread post several times and laugh some more.

4. Find previous RE/RJ post and read it.

5. Laugh for at least ten minutes.

6. Reread post several times and laugh some more.

7. Copy quotes and urls and paste to Word.

8. Repeat steps 1 - 3.

9. Cut the quotes from Word.

10. Click on reply for the post.

11. Paste quotes in reply space.

12. Add some comments.

13. Read reply and laugh at least 10 minutes.

14. Reread reply to check for spelling and grammar mistakes.

15. Click on Post Reply.

16. Read reply and laugh for at least half an hour.

17. Wait for a response from RE/RJ which almost never mentions dellyone's name.

18. Laugh at response for at least 10 minutes.

19. Begin at step 1 for a reply for the new response or for a new post.

RE/RJ you're going to have problems with steps 7, 9, 11, and 14. GET A DICTIONARY! Remember your quote

Quote

I didn't cut and paste from Sabre's post. I wrote it down and retyped it, just so it wouldn't be "cut and paste".

http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/21728/9
____________________________

So that explains the reason why my flames against you are so stupid. I quote your posts. You call them stupid so therefore you are calling yourself stupid. Simple logic, but then again you have the mental age of 3 or 4. The definition of idiot as defined by the Random House dictionary.

Oh, if you decide to stay RE, keep posting so that members of the bboard will get a laugh and so that I can flame you once again.

dellyone

P.S.

RE, consider this a flame, you stupid child who keeps touching the hot stove eventhough you get burned every time.

Not surprising.

Date: 7/14/2000
From: DieselMickeyDolenz

I had a few ideas for counters. Cassandra would have turned out to simply be another inmate whom the doctors were patronizing until the orderlies could take her back to her room. She's sitting there with tiny pieces torn from a maxi pad with one letter written on each with a Marks-a-lot. The letters spell my handle. She's rearranging them and trying to form dellyone's first post. More incoherent ramblings about poetry. Yada, yada, yada.

The actual reply was mostly written when I noticed that it just sucked. It could have been a contender, but writing while fighting to keep my eyes open is not a good idea. Rather than post crap. I let my earlier work ride. I knew it wouldn't be enough, but what I had on my screen could only serve to damage my hard-won reputation.

Congratulations, dellyone.

Thank you, darkslider, for the opportunity to prove to myself that I can deliver the thunder when I need to do so.

Diesel
Mickey
Dolenz

Original URL http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/545/22097
Nominated by darkslider